How could he have been so blind?
How could she have been so duplicitous?
Thirty minutes into the drive, Quinn grew fussy.
Calder pulled over at a truck stop to change his son’s diaper, struggling with the sticky tabs as usual. Using the bottled water and premeasured formula Pandora had placed amongst Quinn’s things, he prepared a quick bottle, then climbed into the backseat to feed his son.
The trip wasn’t supposed to be like this.
He’d looked forward to it for over a month. He’d not only been excited to see his mom, but for his mom to see Quinn and to finally meet Pandora, whom he’d talked so much about.
Now? As much as he wanted to see his mother, he dreaded the lecture she’d deliver on how he hadn’t done adequate research before even hiring a nanny who had a prison record. But hadn’t Natalie been in charge of all that? Should he sue her agency to protect other unsuspecting parents from Pandora’s lies?
Had she lied?
his conscience probed. Or had she omitted?
Did the technicality matter?
This was why Calder had protected himself all these years from entering any sort of relationship. They were doomed to fail. His dad had been married so many times Calder doubted he could even name all his in-laws. Sure, Calder’s mom was happy, but at what cost? His dad put her through hell.
Quinn finished his bottle and drifted off to sleep.
Calder eased him back into his safety seat, then resumed his drive. He’d like a nap himself, except he feared dreaming of Pandora, so he didn’t dare close his eyes.
*
“H
ONEY
,
IT
’
S
OKAY
....”
At Natalie’s homey ranch-style house, Pandora had blown her nose so many times it felt raw. She knew her friend meant well, but she also knew nothing would be okay. “You say that, but you know part of my Social Services agreement is to maintain the same child-appropriate address for six months
and
have a job. Now I have neither. I’ll never get Julia back.”
“Hey, now. Try not to worry.” Natalie patted Pandora’s knee before rising. “I’m making more tea. Any particular flavor request?”
“Tea won’t help.”
Frozen, eyebrows raised, Natalie asked, “You’re not thinking of drinking away your fears?”
“No.
Lord, no.
And it hurts me you’d even think such a thing.”
“Sorry. Guess I’m in kind of a panic, too.” She leaned against the kitchen wall. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe I messed up by even suggesting you for that job.”
Pandora looked at her friend a good long while, then began gathering her purse and the sole suitcase holding all her clothes.
Losing Calder before she’d ever really had him hurt enough. To hear the woman she respected above all others still doubting her was too much.
“You’re taking that wrong.” Natalie chased her to the door. “I meant I should’ve protected your past by keeping you on at the day care. No one asks questions there. All they see is you doing a great job.”
“Please move.”
Natalie blocked her home’s entry. “Don’t go. Not like this.”
“I’m fine.” Pandora gently nudged her friend aside. “I’ll be even better on my own.”
*
C
ALDER
HAD
BEEN
on the road a good two hours when his cell rang.
Pandora?
The dash’s caller ID read
Natalie Lawrence.
Usually when he’d spoken with her, she phoned from her agency—
Earth Angels.
“Hello?”
“Calder—I’m glad I found you. Have you seen Pandora?”
“No. I left with Quinn a while ago.”
“And she hasn’t called?” Was there worry in her tone? He shouldn’t care, but he did. In the time it’d taken him to recover from the shock of just how much of her past Pandora had kept from him, he’d seen her silence for what it had been—a defensive maneuver. Regardless, he couldn’t have a former criminal caring for his child.
Is that really the reason you’re shunning her? Or is it something more? Like you were in too deep, too fast, and her shady past gave you the perfect escape?
“I haven’t heard from her.” Calder tightened his grip on the wheel. “But she’s a big girl. I’m sure she’s okay.”
“Did she even tell you half of what her ex put her through? She almost died. He’s in jail for attempted murder.”
An empathetic pang tore through him. “I’m sorry. That doesn’t excuse what she did.” Out of sheer morbid curiosity, he asked, “What landed her in jail?”
There was a long pause.
“Natalie?”
“Crack cocaine. She was arrested for possession in a sting operation. She claims it was the first and last time she ever used.”
Chest tight with frustration, he asked, “You believe her?”
“Yes.” Another pause. “Even if she lied about that, there’s no way she isn’t living her true life now. She’s clean. If I thought for one second she wasn’t, I never would’ve linked my own reputation with hers.”
*
I
N
THE
TIME
she’d lived in Calder’s home, Pandora had managed to add to her financial safety net. Trouble was, that money had been earmarked for legal fees, but more important, her own home—at the very least a nice apartment. As she hadn’t yet raised enough for either, she spent a listless night in a cheap motel. Between throbbing bass, breaking glass and a couple fights, it was a wonder she ever drifted off to sleep.
She woke at 5:00 a.m. confused about where she was.
It took a few seconds for the previous night to come rushing back. A few seconds more to find enough composure to not surrender to more tears.
She wasn’t hungry, but coffee sounded good.
Maybe if she forced down an egg and toast her head would be clear enough to choose her next move.
Remembering an all-night diner on the corner, she grabbed her coat, purse and room key, opening the door with the chain lock still in place to have a peek outside.
Places like this used to be the norm for her. Now this world felt frightening and alien.
Finding the motel parking lot clear of anything but cars as crappy as hers, she ventured outside, careful to make sure her door was locked behind her. The restaurant was within easy walking distance, so she set off through misty fog made all the more eerie by the motel sign’s blinking red-neon glow.
Almost to the diner’s door, she got a shock when a scantily dressed teenage girl stepped out from a narrow alley. A much older man followed, tucking in his shirt. The implications made Pandora’s stomach roil. But then at her worst, how many nights had she been tempted to do the same—not even for money, but a measly fifth of vodka?
The teen caught Pandora staring. “What’re you lookin’ at, bitch?”
Ignoring her, Pandora hastened her pace until she reached the diner’s overly warm interior.
The place was surprisingly crowded with patrons who she guessed from their jeans and uniformed shirts were factory workers.
“Sit wherever you like!” shouted a waitress from behind a counter.
Pandora found a corner booth.
She looked out the window, but as it was still dark, all she saw was her own reflection. Behind her glasses, her red-rimmed eyes appeared hollow. Dark shadows had formed underneath. She’d long since lost her ponytail, and her long hair hung dirty and wild. She hadn’t looked this bad since the night of her mug shot.
“Coffee?” The waitress startled her. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to sneak up on you. Rough night?”
Pandora half laughed. “You could say that.”
The woman glanced over her shoulder. “Boss would have my ass for asking, but if you need a little, you know, pick-me-up? I’ve got most anything you crave.”
“Um, I’m okay. Thanks. Just coffee, please.”
“You got it.”
Pandora wanted so badly to stay strong, but for the first time in she couldn’t remember when she’d lost her will to fight. With no job and no place to live there was no way she’d get Julia back.
Natalie might not have technically let her go, but her words refused to leave Pandora’s head.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe I messed up by even suggesting you for that job.
If that was how her friend honestly felt, Pandora had too much pride to go back.
Then there was Calder. His kiss.
The waitress’s offer intruded on everything else.
...If you need a little, you know, pick-me-up? I’ve got most anything you crave
.
Oh, did Pandora crave.
Chapter Eleven
“I don’t even know what to say.”
“Not much to say.” Saturday morning, Calder topped off his mom’s coffee from the carafe room service had left with their breakfast. Harold, his stepdad, had already left for his day’s meetings. Calder had spent the past thirty minutes filling his mom in on Pandora’s past.
He’d left out their kiss.
That part was too private. Too raw.
Quinn fussed on his grandmother’s lap. The poor little guy hadn’t been himself since leaving home.
“You can’t be cranky when you’re with Nana.” His mom adopted a singsong tone.
Quinn wasn’t having it and broke into a full-on wail.
“Let me take him.” Calder reached for his son but didn’t have much better luck calming him.
“Hmm...” His mom rested her elbows on the table, framing her mug with both hands. “Do you suppose he misses Pandora?”
“I’m sure he’s just hungry.”
“I fed him a bottle right before you got up.”
Great. There went that theory. Calder checked his son’s diaper to find that hope blown, too.
“I can’t believe I’m even saying this,” Gloria said, “but maybe you overreacted. Your uncle Pete drank and Aunt Melanie’s son—you know? Ulie? Well, he was a raging pothead in college. Of course, he’s better now—a lawyer in Boston. Your aunt’s very proud. So, see? People can make mistakes and get better.”
He sighed. “She was in prison, Mom.”
“Prison or jail? There is a difference.”
Quinn cried harder.
His mom stood, taking the infant. She paced, all the while singing “You Are My Sunshine” in a soft, lyrical tone. The song took him back to his childhood. To when he’d had a bad day at school and he’d come home to her hugs and fresh-baked chocolate-chip cookies.
Quinn finally calmed.
The relief from his crying struck Calder as profound.
Calder said, “You were a good mom. Still are. I’m sorry for what Dad put you through.”
She waved off his concern. “That was a million years ago. And while I love you for thinking of me, would it shock you to know I was secretly relieved your father cheated?”
“What?” Calder narrowed his eyes. “That’s crazy.”
“No, hon, it’s called we got married way too young, and I fell for your dad’s Paul McCartney imitation but pretty much couldn’t stand anything else about him. We worked in the bedroom, but nowhere—”
“Stop.” He waved his hands. “I don’t wanna hear this.”
“You need to hear it.” She set Quinn in the portable hotel crib, along with a few toys. “I’ve been afraid for a while now that you’ve never gotten serious about a woman because of the example your father and I set. This Pandora intrigues me. You’ve never spoken to me about a woman the way you did her.”
“It wasn’t like that between us.” He sat at the foot of the bed, trying not to think about the fact that had he never insisted they go to a mall, Pandora would be here with him now. They’d have all shared a meal, maybe spent the afternoon hiking or riding bikes down one of the resort trails.
That was a first—lying to his mother.
“It’s okay, you know?” Her arm around his shoulder, she joined him on the bed. “If you did have feelings for the nanny? Sounds fun to me—like the kind of romance you’d see in a chick flick.”
He groaned, covering his face with his hands. “All right, so what if it was like that? And she
is
fully recovered? Then I’m the one who’s messed up.”
“Then I’d say if you stand a chance of wooing her back into your life, you’ve got work to do.”
*
“T
HANK
YOU
FOR
seeing me on such short notice.” Pandora followed her caseworker into her cubicle. It was Monday. A cold rain had settled in and she felt chilled to her core.
“I’m glad I had time. Please—” Fran gestured to her guest chair “—have a seat.”
Pandora did. Her palms were so sweaty, she pressed them to her knees, willing her legs not to do their usual nervous jiggle.
“How can I help you?”
“You know how hard I’ve been working to regain custody of Julia, right?”
Fran smiled. “In all my years on this job, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone work as diligently as you. Not only have you excelled in all state-sponsored parenting classes, but your performance at the day care has been truly remarkable. I had misgivings about you taking the nanny position, but, if anything, you’ve proved you’re ready to resume caring for Julia. By your March hearing, assuming you maintain status quo, I’ll wholeheartedly recommend your full parental rights be returned.”
“Th-that’s just it....” Pandora’s stomach churned as if she’d come down with a terrible case of throw-up flu. “I want to be totally up-front with you. Friday, my, um, direct employer, Mr. Remington, released me from my duty of watching his son.”
“You mean you were fired?” The caseworker dug through a stack for Pandora’s file, then made a notation.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“On what grounds?”
“I—I told him about my past problems with alcohol. And about my daughter. And jail.”
“I see....” More notes written. Pandora didn’t hear the scratch of pencil lead against paper but nails in her coffin. “So you failed to tell him when you were first hired?”
“Well, since I got the job through the Earth Angel agency—” she clasped her hands so hard on her lap that she dug her fingernails into the backs of them “—I assumed he would’ve asked any questions at the agency office.”
Fran nodded. “And what does the agency say about all this? I was under the impression the owner—” she flipped through several pages “—Natalie Lawrence, felt you’d done an exemplary job with all your assignments? Did she also release you from duty?”
“Honestly?” Moments earlier Pandora had been cold, but she was now hot. Resisting the urge to claw at the neck of her sweater, she said, “I haven’t spoken with Natalie since Friday. I was so upset, I wanted to see you first—assure you I will find another job and adequate housing.”
“Pandora...” Setting the file on her desk, Fran sighed. “You’ve been with the agency for three solid years. My advice? Go to Natalie and ask her to return you to your previous work in the day care. Unless there’s more you’re not telling me, I see nothing here in your file that would indicate she wouldn’t have you back. Would you like me to call?”
“No, ma’am. I’ll do it.” Head bowed, Pandora accepted the fact that yet again she’d be swallowing her pride. For Julia, she’d do it all day long. “But I’m worried about the housing portion of my case plan. It requires me to have lived at the same address for six months. The fact that I will no longer live in the same household where I worked means that by the time of my hearing, even if I find an apartment today, I’ll have only lived there four months.”
“I see where that could be a problem.” Tapping the file with her pencil, Fran said, “You’ve been frank with me, so I’ll return the favor. Most times, the judges who handle our cases want to return children to their parents. That’s the primary goal of our job. That said, though you’re an exemplary mom now, you and I both know that hasn’t always been the case.”
Pandora nodded, biting her lower lip to keep from crying.
“In fact, early on, you were one of the most challenging cases I’ve ever had.”
“I—I know. And I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Fran set her pencil on her desk, then leaned forward, taking Pandora’s hands. “What I need you to do is secure a suitable place for you and Julia to potentially live—like, yesterday. Assuming you stay with the agency and have no other problems by March, I’ll do my best to smooth things over with the judge.”
“Thank you,” Pandora said.
“Thank you
.
”
“Don’t thank me yet. You’ve still got work to do, and when it comes to judges, please realize I don’t have a magic wand.”
*
P
ANDORA
LEFT
S
OCIAL
S
ERVICES
and drove straight to
Earth Angels.
While Natalie was in an appointment with a potential new client Pandora made small talk with Anna, who handled payroll.
The moment the client was gone, Pandora winced when her friend grabbed her by the arm, yanking her into her office before closing the door. “Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick! And when are you getting a cell?”
“First, I’m staying at the Super 9 off the interstate. Second, I’m sorry I worried you, but you really hurt my feelings. Third, I refuse to spend one dime on anything other than making a stable home for Julia and me.”
Shaking her head, Natalie joined Pandora on the sofa and took a bag from the coffee table. “I figured you’d say that about the phone, which is why I bought you this.” She handed over the gift. “I literally haven’t slept the whole time you’ve been gone. Open it.”
It was a
GoPhone
.
“No contracts or anything. I put sixty minutes’ worth of calling cards in there, too, so you have no excuse not to let me know what’s going on with you.”
Sighing, Pandora said, “Thanks, but you do realize I’m not twelve?”
“Yes. But do you realize just how much you mean not only to me, but to Fran and Anna and lots of other people whose lives you’ve touched? Fran called—she wanted me to reassure her you were still gainfully employed.”
“What’d you say?”
“Of course.” Natalie winked. “Doris called in sick today, so you’re desperately needed in the three-year-old room. After that, I’ve circled a half-dozen apartments for us to check out.”
That familiar knot formed in her throat as Pandora asked, “Why are you doing all this?”
“Simple.” Natalie crushed her in a hug. “You’re my best friend.”
*
W
HILE
HIS
MOM
took care of Quinn, Calder ran until his lungs burned from crisp morning mountain air. Then he ran more. Until he couldn’t hear Pandora crying. See the pain in her eyes.
He’d made a mistake kissing her.
Leaves crunching beneath his feet, Calder ignored what under ordinary circumstances would’ve been an awesome panoramic view. If he’d kept things professional between him and Pandora, would her past have mattered as much? He wouldn’t have taken what she’d done personally. He wouldn’t have wished he’d met her in high school, saving her the pain of ever having been hurt. He wouldn’t wonder about her little girl—if she shared her mom’s pretty smile. Most of all, he wouldn’t blame himself for quite possibly being the one who pushed her back over that alcohol ledge.
But then, how egotistical was he to assume he even had that power? No doubt Pandora was fine. And if she had returned to drinking, that only proved him right and she shouldn’t be around his son.
And if she hadn’t? And she really was all she’d portrayed herself to be? That meant his commitment issues were as real as the disease she’d once battled.
“Whoa!” Calder damn near mowed his stepfather down. Harold wore his business-casual clothes and had been headed to the conference center.
“Sorry.”
“That’s okay,” Harold said with a wry smile. “Your mom filled me in on your nanny problems. I imagine your mind was on that. Ask me, you dodged a potential bullet. A man can’t be too safe when it comes to protecting his family.”
Calder reveled in this vindication. “See? That’s what I thought, but Mom says I shouldn’t have let her go.” He couldn’t even bring himself to say Pandora’s name. “She thinks I have the problem, and then gave me a ridiculous lecture on how she’s worried her and Dad’s divorce emotionally scarred me for life.”
Harold glanced at his watch. “I’m seriously late for this morning’s session. How about I skip it altogether and we grab the breakfast of champions?”
“What’s that?”
On their way toward the main lodge, Harold patted him on the back. “Bloody Marys followed by a truckload of bacon and a biscuit-and-gravy chaser—only don’t tell your mom. My cholesterol’s already through the roof.”
By the time they’d finished their meal, Calder was reminded how much he enjoyed his stepdad’s company. His real dad may not have always been there for him, but for as long as he could remember, Harold had.
“Thanks, man.”
“For what?” His stepdad finished his drink.
“You know—being around. You’re a good guy, and best as I can remember, I wasn’t exactly fun to deal with.”
Harold laughed. “Not gonna lie—there were times you were a mouthy handful, but all in all, your mom and I couldn’t be prouder.”
“What do you think of Mom’s worry that I have
problems
when it comes to dealing with women?”
After signaling for another drink, Harold said, “We could be here all day discussing women and their problems. Way I see it, once you find the right lady, everything else sorts itself out.”
Leaning forward, Calder realized a sense of urgency had taken hold. “How do you know if a woman’s
right?
”
“From my experience, you just know. To this day, I remember your mom coming into my office with you in tow. She and your father had just broken up and I remember thinking how brave she was—a single woman raising her child. But she gave me the most beautiful smile...” He downed more of his drink. “Don’t mean to get all sappy on you, but
you know when you know.
For me, your mom’s smile stopped time. Anyway, she wanted to invest her divorce settlement and I was more than happy to help. Whenever she was in the office, she brought you along. You were eight and you refused to sit in any chair. You always wanted to be under your chair, driving Matchbox cars. I’ll never forget the first time I showed up at your house to take your mom on a date—you asked if she was now going to cheat on you with me.” He shook his head. “For the longest time, you saw me as a threat.” His eyes shone and he patted his chest. “Meant the world when you finally let me in. I—I couldn’t have kids of my own, so I mean it when I tell you that in every sense of the word, I view you as mine. I loved every one of your Little League games and Boy Scout meetings. When you went off to visit your dad, I worried you wouldn’t want to come home.”
Calder wasn’t sure how to process this information. All this time he’d had a great father, but he’d been too self-absorbed to see Harold for what he’d been—a devoted family man who’d been a faithful, loving friend to him and a great husband to Calder’s mom for twenty years. So why did Calder identify more with his cheating birth father than the true father who’d always been there for him?