"I know. And I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I might. It's worth the risk to me, but you can
totally
come to the next doctor's appointment and Kamille will run down all the risks for you and then tell you how minute they are anyway. And you can listen to me right now telling you that it's important enough for me to risk it and I won't blame you for anything. I'd just like a hug if it turns out that I can't go through with it for some reason or I
do
get sick."
"Am I still allowed to worry?" Tom bites his lip. It's not that he expects Cin to change his mind or anything, but it's good to say it out loud.
"You are still allowed to worry. But only a tiny little bit, okay? Worry more about how you're going to keep me satisfied when I'm a horny teenager all over again."
Tom laughs at that. He only vaguely remembers being a teenager himself, but he remembers enough of it to know that no mortal person his age could hope to keep up with one. Especially not one like Cin, who isn't easy to keep up with, anyway. "Toys, I guess. Or a free pass to fuck whoever you want."
Tom wants to swallow the words back as soon as he's said them. If it'll keep Cin happy, he could go along with it, but it'd kill him on the inside. He's not really a jealous man, but Cin means a lot. The fear of losing him is so real that he can practically taste the tears when he thinks about it.
"No," Cin says firmly. "Just you." He reaches out to take Tom's hand, and Tom relaxes a little, curling his fingers around Cin's. "Do you think I'll leave you?"
"I'm not sure I
think
that. But I'm scared of it," Tom admits.
In response, Cin climbs on to him and settles down, resting his weight on Tom's chest and stomach. There's a part of him that wants to roll over and trap Cin under him, but he doesn't have the heart to do it. He loves Cin, and that alone tells him that he can't just wrap him up and keep him.
"I'm not going to leave you." Cin leans down to kiss him. "And I know there's not a lot I can do to convince you of that. But I mean it when I say I love you and I mean it when I say I want you."
"That should be enough, right?" Tom tries to smile, but he can't quite get it to reach his eyes. Cold dread has already taken up residence in the pit of his stomach, panic closing up his throat.
Cin makes a soft, sympathetic noise and leans down to kiss him. Tom expects it to be gentle, but instead Cin forces his way into Tom's mouth and bites at his lip, grinds down against him and when he finally breaks off, sucks a bruise onto Tom's jaw.
"Wow." He blinks up at Cin, suddenly breathless in a completely different way.
"It doesn't have to be enough. I can't force you to believe me, but if you're not feeling loved or intimate enough, then that's an actual problem and one we need to take care of together. I don't want to lose you; least of all to something I could prevent."
"You won't lose me," Tom manages, once he catches his breath again.
"I hope not." Cin does kiss him gently this time. "We should probably get my name tattooed on your butt for good measure, though."
"So I can be returned to my owner if I get lost? Not a bad idea." Tom chuckles. "If I thought you'd actually appreciate it, I'd book an appointment for tomorrow."
"I like your butt exactly as it is. But if you wanted to do anything to it, or any other part of your anatomy, I'd still love it. As well as the whole package."
"So do you need me to talk about anything else, or can I shove my embarrassing clinginess back into the dark corner it came from?"
"If there's anything else you want to get off your chest, now seems like a good time." Cin reaches out to play with Tom's hair. Tom leans into the touch eagerly. Cin's fingers are as electric now as they were the first time they brushed against Tom's, and his attention is addictive.
"Is it wrong that I'm actually really excited for you?" If Tom's excitement that Cin's finally getting to transition the way he wants is anything to go by, Cin must be having trouble containing himself.
"Not wrong at all. I'm glad to hear it." Cin traces a finger down along Tom's hairline, then around the shell of his ear. "Besides, you should be. Imagine how much better in bed I'll be when I'm completely comfortable with my body."
Tom shivers involuntarily. It saddens him to be reminded that Cin
isn't
happy, but it's going to be a huge change for the better when he is. "Yeah. I like the sound of that."
"Also, I mean, and if this line of thinking upsets you, tell me to stop, but I think it might make you feel a little better about
your
gender issues to know that the bulk of mine are going away. I wish we could wave a magic wand for you, but you're so much more complicated than me."
"No, I kinda had the same thought. But honestly, since I met you and you encouraged me to take myself seriously? I feel way better. Which is partly why it's so important to me that I can help you with this. And I know that if somewhere down the line I
do
want to do something medical about it, you'll have my back."
"I will. Always." Cin smiles what Tom would characterize as probably the sappiest smile he's ever been on the receiving end of. It's nice.
"So, would now be a good time to ask if I can eat you out again?"
"The perfect time. And you
so
can." Cin rolls off Tom onto his back and spreads his legs eagerly. Tom smiles back at him and thinks that maybe this is all going to be okay.
Cin's hand is in danger of falling off, the way Tom's squeezing it. He seems to be even more nervous than Cin himself is, which makes a strange kind of sense. Cin's already expecting to have some kind of rare genetic disorder that means hormone therapy isn't an option. It'd be almost poetic, one last 'fuck you' from his parents. Tom hasn't come to the same kind of morbid peace, obviously.
Kamille sits down behind her desk with a small stack papers in her hand. "Stop looking so worried, everything's fine." She smiles at them. Tom finally loosens his grip on Cin's hand and looks at him sheepishly, a blush rising on his cheeks.
"Great!" Tom enthuses. Cin chuckles softly and squeezes his hand, hoping it won't encourage him to tighten his grip again. The ends of his fingers are still tingling as the blood returns to them.
"Like I said before, you can talk in front of Tom. I'm not interested in keeping any of this a secret from him," Cin explains. It's reassuring that Kamille gave him a chance to prevent Tom hearing about his test results, but it's even
more
reassuring to be certain that he doesn't need to do that.
"Okay, great. It's good that you have support, and even better when it shows up on time." Kamille gives Tom a look. It's not entirely serious, but Cin knows that she already feels protective of him. He actually has a lot more support right now than he ever expected, which is really nice.
"So, you said everything was fine?"
"It is. All your blood tests check out and I can't see any reason we can't give you the treatment you need. Now, we just have to talk about options. The most common method is testosterone injections, and considering your current situation, I'd like to do those once every two weeks, if you go with them. A gel or a patch is another good option. They're not exactly cheap, but they'd save you having to come down here as often and a lot of people say they're an easier way forward, because it keeps your hormone levels nice and even. Pills
are
an option, but they'll slow your transition, and you might find that you still bleed regularly, and I know you don't like that. You also have to take a lot of them, though some people find that psychologically helpful, and I won't stop you if you'd prefer that."
This isn't the first time Cin's heard his options, and he has a fairly clear idea what he wants, but it's the first time he's talked to an actual doctor about it. The last appointment involved too much crying to ask about treatment options, and he knew he'd have to come back anyway. "Is there any reason you'd advise against a gel?"
"Not in your case, unless skin irritation turned out to be an issue. Do you have a particular kind in mind?"
"You know, most doctors get suspicious when I've done my research. I was thinking of the one that goes under your arms?"
"I'd be suspicious if you
hadn't
, in this case. Is Axiron the one you mean?"
Cin nods. "That's the name, yeah. I know it'd be more classic and aesthetically appropriate to go for injections, but I don't really like needles and I'm irritable enough without hormone ups and downs."
"I don't find you irritable," Tom says softly, almost as though he's personally hurt by the idea. "Not that I have any say in what you do treatment wise, I mean, gel sounds great? I probably haven't done as much research as you, though."
"It's very sexy that you've done any research, and you will be appropriately rewarded later." Cin looks at Tom with a tiny smile turning up the corners of his lips. "But I
am
a moody asshole and that does not need to get worse."
"Then I can write you a prescription now, as long as you'll sign an informed consent form?" Kamille reaches for a stack of forms behind her and plucks one off the top.
"That would be great." Cin finally feels himself relax as Kamille hands over the form and a pen to sign it with. She's already filling out a prescription by the time he looks up again. "Thank you so much."
"It's my pleasure." Kamille smiles at him. "I'm writing you a month's prescription to start with, then I'll need you to come back here to check your testosterone levels and double-check that we're not hurting you. That should be just enough time to start seeing some real physical changes, too, so I'll get to admire you again."
Cin doesn't blush often, but Kamille has a way of making him do it. He takes the prescription reverently when she offers it to him, forcing himself not to cry. It's lucky Tom's here, because Cin's going to need someone to lean on when he lets go.
"Thank you so much," Cin whispers. He wants to say it a thousand more times.
"Thank me by feeling better. If you have any questions, any concerns, don't hesitate to get in touch. If you feel like something's going wrong, don't ignore it. It's always better to double-check. Now go pick that up and start on it in the morning."
"I will." Cin stands, tugging on Tom's hand to get him to follow. "I'll see you in a month. Thank you again."
Cin bites down harder on his lip and rushes out of Kamille's office and outside to his car, going for the back seat instead of the front and dragging Tom inside with him. He pushes Tom into the corner between the seat and the door and crawls into his lap, finally letting himself cry in embarrassingly loud sobs.
"What's wrong?" Tom hugs him tightly, holding him close to his chest and shifting so they're both more comfortable.
"Nothing. I'm just so relieved."
Tom makes a soft noise and kisses Cin's head. "Me too. You cry all you need."
Cin sniffles and burrows into Tom's jacket. A handful of months ago, he wouldn't have done this in front of anyone. It's amazing how things change.
"I'm really glad you didn't have to go through months or even years of psych visits for this. Poppy did. Who the hell would claim to be transgender if they weren't? What could that possibly accomplish?"
"Dunno." Cin sniffs again and settles in Tom's lap. He'd hated being so tiny at one point, but now he can see one or two benefits to it. Mostly hug-related. "I don't think that's why they make people do it. I think it's just a roadblock because they really
want
us to be crazy."
"Yeah," Tom murmurs. "I'm sorry the world sucks. Wish I could fix it for you."
"You're doing an awful lot to make it better." Cin leans in and kisses Tom, just barely touching their lips together, but lingering for a half-dozen heartbeats, letting the contact soothe him. "Thank you. For making this possible and for coming with me and for the great back massage you're giving me later."
Tom chuckles and squeezes Cin tightly. "You're welcome. Let's go get that prescription, yeah?"
"Yeah." Cin wipes his eyes and smiles at Tom, more grateful for his existence in this moment than he ever has been before. "Let's do that."
*~*~*
"God, you are
so
hot," Cin murmurs between kisses, not giving Tom a chance to reply before sealing their lips together again. He's already wriggling out of his pants, grateful for the knowledge that Rachel will be in class for at least the next two hours.
Tom laughs into his mouth and helps him with the stubborn button of his jeans. "I take it the heightened sex drive is kicking in?"
Cin hums a response as Tom finally gets his hand inside Cin's underwear. He hisses at the over-stimulation at first, but then grinds down against Tom's fingers and rocks against the heel of his palm.
After a few moments of frantic rutting to take the edge off, Cin slows down and leans in to kiss Tom again, biting and sucking at his lip. A summer of patient guidance was clearly a good time investment. Tom knows exactly how to touch Cin now. Things had already changed, a little, but Tom adjusts confidently as Cin laughs and moans into his mouth.
"So good,
so good
," Cin chants, bracing himself against the back of the couch over Tom's shoulder, and rocks his hips as fast as he can. He bites down on his lip and throws his head back, weeks of desperation rolling through him, pleasure building deep in his gut. Tom's hand falls on his hip, an anchor in a storm of need, and it's the final thing that sends him hurtling toward the edge.
Within a minute, Cin sighs and shudders as his first orgasm hits. He slumps against Tom's chest while he's coming down, finally relaxing. A low purr rolls in Cin's throat as Tom puts his arms around his waist.
"I'll take that as a yes."
"Maybe you're just especially sexy today?" Cin mumbles against the skin of Tom's neck.
"I doubt it." Tom giggles as Cin starts peppering quick kisses over his throat. "I've had reporters following me all day. One of them literally watched me pee in the airport bathroom."