"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I understand."
"No, I mean, unless you don't want to hear it?"
Cin swallows. "I want to hear it. I mean, I wish it hadn't happened, but it did, and I have a responsibility to know, I think. As long as you're comfortable sharing."
"I wouldn't go so far as comfortable, but I think it'd be good if you knew everything. So. Nothing changed until I was old enough for college. I didn't think I'd be able to go, 'cause I couldn't just leave Poppy behind, but I couldn't take her with me either, y'know? That was when one of our neighbors stepped in. She was in her sixties and never had any kids of her own, but I mowed her lawn and did odd jobs and stuff for her and she pulled me aside one day just before applications were due in and asked me where I was going.
"I told her the whole story and why I couldn't leave and she just… told me not to worry about it. And then she moved Poppy in with her and shipped me off to college. It honestly came outta nowhere as far as I was concerned, but I guess she planned on it. Helped Poppy out with transition stuff and everything. She died a few years back. Just about killed me, too, when I heard. She saved both of our lives."
"What was her name?"
"Melody." Tom smiles a tiny, sad smile. "We always called her Mrs. M. She was never married, far as I know. Think she liked it that way."
"Can I think of her as your grandma?"
Tom's smile turns a little warmer. "Yeah. That's kind of how I think of her, too."
"Okay." Cin pauses to see if Tom's going to say anything else right away, then when he doesn't, rolls over to him and kisses him softly. "Thank you for telling me. About all of this."
"Guess it kinda proves that we all need a little help to get where we're going. People like to think of me as self-made, but I'm not. I had a lot of opportunities fall into my lap out of luck, mostly. Nobody gets anywhere by themselves, and don't believe anyone who says they have."
"So you're telling me that it's totally okay that when I'm world famous, it'll be because I've been sleeping with a billionaire for ten years?"
"Something like that. Glad to know you're looking ten years into the future."
"I can't imagine wanting anything else than exactly what we have right now. I love you."
"I love you, too. Thanks for listening."
"Anytime."
*~*~*
"The hospital called looking for you," Rachel says as Cin comes through the door. "I took a name and number to call them back."
"Was it Amal? Because he called on my cell about half an hour ago."
"Yeah, same guy. Is there something wrong?" Rachel leans against the back of the couch and pats the spot beside her for Cin to lean there, too.
"No, they just wanted to tell me that an earlier surgery slot had opened up. I agreed to take it." Cin fiddles with the strap of his bag, then sets it down by the door and goes over to the couch. "It’s next Monday."
"That's great!" Rachel enthuses. "You've waited so long already."
"I know. I want to call them and cancel all the same."
"You're not having second thoughts, are you? I mean, it's fine if you are, but…"
"No, no second thoughts," Cin assures her. He wants this,
needs
it, but it's terrifying and he's afraid to tell anyone in case they take it to mean that he's not really ready.
"Just scared?" Rachel asks. She's always known him too well.
"Yeah. If I die, I'd like you to have all my possessions."
"Tom included?"
Cin laughs. "Tom included, if he'll agree to that. I just want everyone to be happy. I mean, I'd rather not die."
"I'd rather you didn't die, regardless of whether I'd get to keep your hot boyfriend or not. But you won't. I've been reading up; it's not complicated surgery. And think about how much happier you'll be once it's over."
Cin's thought about that a lot. Now that he's had time to settle into his hormone treatment, people tend to assume he's a man straight away. This is the last step on that path, so he doesn't have to be careful what he wears anymore and he can pass his binder on to someone who needs it. That'll be a great moment when it comes.
"I know. Uh, speaking of my happiness, there's actually something I want you to do for me."
"Anything. Long as I'm not going to get arrested."
"No, nothing like that. I figure, I mean, considering where you work, it'd be good for you if you could get Tom to agree to a tell-all interview, right?" Cin's still not sure about asking for this, because Rachel would probably have a quieter life without it, but it's the best way forward he can see.
"Right," Rachel says slowly. "Tell-all about what?" She narrows her eyes.
"Me.” Cin looks down at his feet. "And, um, my transition. I know it's maybe a lot to ask and if you feel like it'd put your job at risk, I don't want you to do it, but people are going to find out sooner or later. I'd rather get my side of the story out on my own terms before that happens."
"Okay." Rachel agrees.
"Okay? Just like that?"
Rachel nudges Cin with her elbow. "Duh. I'm not in the habit of outing you to strangers, but you're right. People like me are vultures. Sometimes, it's good to have the vultures on your side."
"You know you're going to get backlash for it, don't you? Not everyone's going to be thrilled if you run a piece on a trans man. Especially one who's dating the world's most eligible bachelor, according to your own magazine."
"I can handle backlash for the support. You've gotta handle it for existing, so, I'm definitely getting the better deal out of this." Rachel reaches out and tucks a lock of Cin's hair behind his ear. "I don't do enough for trans people. I don't know that I can or should be doing enough. But if you wanna talk, I've got a platform, and it's yours when I can give it to you. I will have to get this past an editor, though."
"Well, if you're willing to try, that’s all I'm asking. It'd make it so much easier to say that I've said everything I intend to, at least for a while."
"I get that." Rachel pushes away from the couch. "I think we need beer and trashy reality TV, don't you?"
"I love you," Cin says, beaming brightly at Rachel. There's a reason they've been best friends for so long.
"Hey, it's not as though I don’t owe you one. But I love you, too."
*~*~*
"You even make hospital gowns look good." Tom smiles at Cin as he comes around the curtain, but there's still nervousness in his voice. Cin pulls him down to kiss him, just once, softly. It's been a long six months since he started down this road, and he couldn't have done it without Tom.
"You just like it 'cause you can see my butt." Cin twirls around so Tom can see. It'd be a lie to say he wasn't nervous, but he trusts the surgeon he met earlier and he knows that this is a huge step toward being himself once and for all.
"It is a really cute butt." Tom reaches out to stroke Cin's hair back. It could probably use a trim, but he'll wait until after he's healed up to worry about it. "I'm not gonna ask if you're sure about this, because I know you are. I just wanna know if you need anything."
"I'm fine. In a few minutes, I'll be gone, and then in a few hours, I'll be back, and when I wake up, I'll call you to let you know I'm still alive."
"I'm staying." Tom looks at him as though he's just suggested biting the head off a puppy. "Why do you think there's a couch in your room? I'm not going until I can take you with me."
Cin stares at him, mouth open. "Really?" He would never have asked Tom to stay, and he doesn't
need
anyone to be with him, but a wave of relief washes over him all the same.
"And then I'm hanging out at home for a solid month, so I'm really sure you're back on your feet. Doc says you won't be able to lift your arms over your head, right? You didn't seriously think I'd leave you to go through all this alone, did you?"
"You remember that thing I said about charity, when we first met?"
Tom nods.
"I hereby rescind it." Cin swallows. "I mean, not generally, but as far as you go. You've only ever done things for me because you care. Genuinely care about me, not just about me thanking you."
"The part where I keep saying that I love you didn't clue you in to this before?" Tom sounds incredulous, but he's smiling.
"I think I just figured out how much." Cin pulls him down to kiss him again. "As woe-is-me as this is going to sound, I have a hard time believing anyone actually cares."
Tom makes a soft, sad noise and pulls Cin into a hug. Cin takes advantage of it and wraps his arms around Tom tightly, since he's not going to be able to do this for at least a few days.
"I understand," Tom murmurs into his hair. "I think I'll just keep caring about you more than anything and wait until you really get it, okay?"
"Okay." Cin nods against his chest. "I'm not going to cry." He sniffs.
"Me neither." Tom sniffs as well and Cin feels him move a hand to wipe his face.
The nurse Cin had been assigned coughs politely behind them, and Cin instantly misses Tom's warmth when he steps back. She's kind and gentle as she does a few last checks before they're ready to go in for surgery. Tom stays the whole time, out of the way, but nearby enough that Cin never feels alone.
When Cin imagined having his breasts removed before, he thought of it as something he'd do on his own. Having Tom around is more than just a practical thing. It's not about being able to dress himself properly or having someone to bring him food; it's a joint endeavor. If anyone had told him he'd be sharing his surgery with someone else like this a few years ago, Cin would have recoiled at the idea. This was
his
thing, and that meant going it alone. Except it didn't have to, and now having someone else to deal with it with him sounded like the best idea ever.
On the way past to go down to the operating theatre, Cin pulls Tom in for one more kiss. "Love you, too. See you in a little while."
"'Bisexual Billionaire gets Best of Both Worlds with Transgender Partner.'"
Tom starts awake when he hears Cin's voice. He scrambles to hide the newspaper he'd been fuming about earlier, but it's already too late. Cin's seen it, which he meant to avoid, but exhaustion knocked him out before he could get rid of it.
"Well, at least it's a good photo of me. I think I'll ask the paper for a copy so I can use it on my Facebook profile." Cin shrugs, and then he winces when his stitches pull. "Ow."
"I'm so sorry you saw that." Tom's back protests as he sits up. Sleeping on a couch in a hospital room probably wasn't the best idea he's ever had, but there was no way he wasn't going to be there for Cin.
Cin goes to shrug again, but obviously remembers in time that it hurts. "I know what people think of people like me. I'm disappointed, but I'm hardly shocked."
"Yeah, but if not for me, you wouldn't be plastered all over a national newspaper."
"It
is
a tabloid."
"I feel like that's kind of not the point." Tom throws his hands up in the air. "I'm just… being with me is making your life harder. And it's exactly what happened to Poppy and it's not
fair
, dammit."
Tom doesn't want to be angry, and he definitely doesn't want to be ranting, because today should really be about Cin. But he is angry, and it's hard to keep quiet about it. Cin shouldn't have to be tabloid fodder, least of all for just being who he is and dating Tom.
"People are assholes." Cin sighs softly. "Come over here?"
Tom gets up obediently and goes over to Cin's bed. He's not sure what to do with himself, or where or if he can touch, but Cin grabs his hand when he's close enough. "I have a proposal to do with that that you're absolutely allowed to say no to, no questions asked."
"I'm all ears."
"Okay, so, you know how Rachel took that magazine job you got her an interview for? Well, she's doing great and everything, but they would definitely renew her contract if, say, she could get an exclusive interview with you where you opened up on your love life…"
"Seriously?" Tom tries not to sound too eager, but he's used to updating the world on everything important that happens to him. Cin was maybe the most important thing that had ever happened to him, so he's wanted to tell everyone about him for a while. He just hasn't known how to ask until now.
"Well, that was more enthusiastic than I was expecting." Cin blinks.
Tom smiles sheepishly and leans in to kiss him on the cheek. "I always want to tell everyone about you. I'm kinda used to doing that via journalist."
"It might be the painkillers talking, but that was hot," Cin says without a hint of embarrassment. Tom grins.
"You think I could eat you out in a hospital room?"
Cin smiles slowly. "Lock the door and I'll let you find out."
*~*~*
Tom wakes to the sound of Cin crying for only the second time in his life and starts to panic before he's even managed to force his eyes open. This time, instead of throwing up from pain, Cin's sitting next to him, gripping his tablet hard enough to be in danger of breaking it.
"Hey," Tom says softly. Cin looks at him with wet eyes and then bursts into tears again, dropping the tablet and crawling into Tom's lap. Tom's careful of his still-healing surgery scars, but holds him as tight as he can without risking hurting him. Cin clings like a five-year-old and now Tom's
really
starting to worry, because Cin isn't like this. Actual vulnerability isn't his thing.
Cin grips Tom's shoulders so hard that he doesn't doubt there'll be bruises in the morning and sobs into his shoulder, trembling violently. All Tom can think to do about it is hold Cin until he calms down enough to tell him what's wrong, so that's what he does, rubbing circles over Cin's shoulder blades to try to even his breathing out.
"Tom?" Cin whispers, after what seems like an eternity. A wave of relief washes over Tom and he shifts his hold on Cin a little to get more comfortable.
"Yeah, beautiful?"
"Tell me you love me?"
"Of course I do! I love you. I love you so much." Tom bites his lip. "Did someone say otherwise?"