"Hey." Cin opens his eyes again and looks up at Tom, obviously concerned. "I forget you can't see the inside of my head when I say things and I realize what that sounded like to you now. I love your hands and your mouth and rubbing off against your thigh. I want you with two or three fingers inside me. That's all."
"Yeah?" Tom's not happy about the way his voice breaks, but he doesn't try to cover it. He's allowed to be vulnerable around Cin, and that's a gift he wants to take advantage of right now.
"Yeah." Cin leans in to kiss him. "Seriously. Your butt is your best feature. Everything else is a bonus. I'd stick around if you were just a floating butt."
"That's…" Tom frowns. Cin's obviously joking, but it does make him feel better. "Physically impossible, but sweet. I would still like to be able to fuck you properly."
"There is no properly," Cin says, deadpan. It's his 'you're being narrow-minded' tone, which he uses less and less around Tom as Tom stops saying stupid things.
"You know what I mean. With my dick. Maybe we could work up to it. Maybe it's a permit-holder's zone."
"Without telling you what you can and can't do with your own penis,
maybe
isn't enough. I'm not refusing, right? But I don't want you to have to work up to it. I want you to trust yourself and I
don't
want you to feel like you need to do anything you're not comfortable with. Ever."
"But—"
Cin puts a finger to Tom's lips to stop him talking. It's probably for the best, because now that he's escaped having to let people touch him in places he doesn't want to be touched, the thought of going back to it turns his stomach. If it's a choice between feeling sick and keeping Cin, though, he wants to keep Cin.
"No. You'll notice I have never once complained, because I feel
no need
to. Our sex life is incredibly satisfying to me."
Tom swallows. Self-doubt makes him fight it, but he knows he has to trust Cin on this. "It'd still make me feel better."
"If it's that important to you, I
do
have a thought. Gimme a few days, okay? In the meantime, please don't worry?"
"I'll try." Tom smiles wryly. "I do believe you. It's not about you, not really."
"I know." Cin reaches out to rest his hand on Tom's cheek. "And I understand. Believe me when I say, I completely understand being weird about your own anatomy."
"I guess you do. Thanks."
"You should eat me out for being such a good boyfriend." Cin looks at Tom as innocently as ever. Tom laughs, and somehow everything seems okay again. Not solved, and not over, but all right.
"I should. Come up here, and I will." Tom rolls onto his back, ignoring his protesting muscles. Cin's worth more than a little pain.
*~*~*
"So where have you been all day?" Tom looks down from the top of the ladder, where he's been carefully painting the detail work on the porch for the last hour or so. Cin disappeared a while back without saying where he was going, and though he'd blown Tom a kiss on his way out, there was a part of him that'd been sure Cin was never coming back.
“Exploring the wilderness by car. The better question is, what do I have here?” Cin bends down to pick up a package wrapped in brown paper from the steps of the porch. Tom had seen it being delivered earlier, but he knew he hadn’t ordered anything, so it had to be for Cin. Not wanting to pry, he’d left it where it was.
Cin turns it over to reveal a sticker with the words ‘adult store’ printed on it around an abstract logo, and snorts. “Discreet packaging! This is actually for you.”
Tom blushes darkly and tightens his grip on the ladder. "Should I be inside in a few minutes?"
"If you wanna play with me." Cin brandishes the package at him. "Actually, I need a shower and you could probably use one, too. Meet in your room in twenty?"
"Sounds good." Tom's heart is already pounding in his chest: a combination of excitement and fear. He takes the time to finish painting the part he's working on, then packs up, dropping his brush into the cleaning jar and then heading inside. He can already hear Cin turning the water on in his own shower, and it never takes him long to get clean.
The joy of warm showers for sore muscles isn't quite a
new
discovery, but it is a renewed one. Tom groans happily as the spray hits his shoulders and just leans forward against the opposite wall of the shower for a few moments to relax. His mind turns to the contents of the bag Cin was holding. He's seen Cin's toy collection and even tried some of it himself, and it's hard to imagine what else they'd need to add to it.
Whatever it is, past experience says that Cin always knows what he's doing.
When Tom gets out of the shower, Cin's already sitting on the end of his bed, naked. The package he picked up earlier is lying on the bed beside him, the logo obscured in the dim light of the room. Not that he'd recognize it, anyway. Sex toy shopping is definitely more Cin’s area than his. Just the thought is making him blush again.
Cin holds the bag out to him, and Tom takes it without thinking. "It won't bite you. Promise."
Considering the way Cin's smiling at him, Tom isn't totally convinced it won't. He opens the bag cautiously and extracts what he thinks at first is just the biggest dildo he's ever seen, then spots the harness underneath it.
"I dunno if this is gonna
fit
." Tom blinks at it.
"It's not going in you, it's going in me. And I can promise you it will." Cin pauses, giving Tom a moment to look at the dildo again. He's not sure it's likely to fit in
Cin
, either. "If you don't want to or you decide you don't like it or anything else, you absolutely do not have to go through with this, but it and the harness are designed for people with penises who maybe don't want to use them for sex. Or want a spare, I guess."
"Oh." Tom turns it over in his hands, testing the weight. It doesn't seem like a bad idea, but it
does
seem way too big. "It's huge. Why is it huge?"
Cin clears his throat. "It's huge because I know my gorgeous boyfriend would want to satisfy me as fully as possible. So I picked something that was more or less reflective of my current physical limits."
"I'm gorgeous?" Tom beams. For all his dry sarcasm, sometimes Cin lets slip the sweetest things.
"That was the most important part of that sentence to you?"
"Maybe if you were freer with affection, I wouldn't—" Tom's cut off when Cin reels him in to kiss him.
"I really like you, and it's your turn to make me cry when I come."
Tom leans in for the second kiss he knows is coming. "I would
love
to have a functional dick for you. I wanna be absolutely everything you want."
"You're already everything I want," Cin says softly. "But I would like to ride you. Possibly for an hour or so."
"Sounds exhausting." Tom grins. "I'm up for it."
Cin bounces on the balls of his feet, kisses Tom's cheek, and then rocks back. "Put that on." He gestures in the direction of the bag. "I'm going to grab the lube."
Tom watches Cin go, still naked, and then starts on figuring out the harness. He sets the dildo and bag on the bed and then steps into it, then takes it off, untwists it, and steps in again.
He's seen Cin do this, so he should really know how, but it takes a couple of attempts before he gets harness and dildo in place. It's not really sitting right, but Cin will no doubt adjust it for him when he gets back. The full-length mirror in the corner of the room shows him a neon pink dick at least twice the size of his permanently-attached one sticking out like a towel holder from his crotch, but he doesn't hate it. It's very obviously not a part of him in the traditional sense, which is probably why Cin picked the bright color. Tom imagines he could get used to it, though, as something that makes Cin happy and doesn't set off all kinds of dysphoria for him.
Dysphoria is still a word—a concept—he's getting used to, but the more information he absorbs on it and genderqueerness and other related stuff, the more he feels like he finally has words to express things he's always felt without really understanding them. He still feels a little like he's taking something away from Cin, and even from his sister, but Cin talks like he doesn't feel that way at all. Cin takes his discomfort with borderline ridiculous seriousness. Not that Tom wants him to stop.
Cin interrupts his thoughts by slipping into the bedroom and brandishing a new bottle of lube. He pauses to look Tom over and smiles softly before approaching. His hands go straight to the straps to adjust them efficiently until Tom can feel the whole thing fit properly into place.
"You look great." Cin wraps his fingers around the dildo and gives it a firm tug. Tom's surprised by how strongly he feels it with the harness adjusted correctly, as though it really
is
attached, but it doesn't make him uncomfortable. The jolt of panic and disgust he's used to feeling when someone touches his dick is totally absent.
He leans in to kiss Cin quickly. "This feels fine, before you ask."
"I'm glad to hear it. If at any point you start to get uncomfortable, you tell me, okay?"
Tom nods. "Okay."
"Lie down on the bed," Cin orders. He's obviously in a take-charge mood and Tom's more than okay with that, happy to just enjoy everything while Cin does the bulk of the work. He's kind of starting to like it that Cin tends to take charge and he feels a little like a cliché for it, but it's so good that he's willing to ignore that. The bed springs creak satisfyingly under him as he moves to lie down comfortably.
Before Tom has a chance to gather his thoughts, Cin's sitting on top of him. Tom watches him with his mouth hanging open as he stretches himself for the toy, taking in breathy moans and soft cries eagerly. The way Cin enjoys sex is a huge turn-on, and by the time Cin lowers himself onto the dildo he's already had one orgasm, rubbing his clit desperately as he opened himself up and then coming all over Tom's stomach.
The neon pink toy disappears into Cin's body in one fluid motion, until he's sitting on Tom's hips. One of Cin's hands goes to Tom's chest, thumb brushing over his nipple, and the other one goes straight to Cin's clit as he starts to rock back and forth, just enough to get a little friction. For a solid minute, he works without pausing to get himself off: needy, little noises catching in his throat until he lets them all out in a low moan as he comes for a second time.
"How does it feel?" Cin pants to catch his breath.
Tom hasn't stopped to think about that yet, but the answer comes to him straight away. "Real."
Cin laughs delightedly and grinds down harder. "You feel
so
good. So satisfying. You wanna come for me?"
"Yeah." Tom nods eagerly. He wants to do
everything
for Cin. Always.
"Then come for me, as soon as you're ready."
Tom's orgasm takes him by surprise when Cin leans down to kiss him and he gasps for air, almost panicked. He hadn't thought he
was
ready, but apparently his body had other ideas. Cin soothes him with soft kisses all over his face and coos, even as he starts rocking back onto the dildo again.
"Surprised?"
"Kinda, yeah." Tom's still working on getting his breath back. It's probably the only really good orgasm he's ever had while fucking someone, and it's weird, but amazing at the same time. He's not sure how to explain all this to Cin without crying, so he just rocks his hips up to meet Cin's downward stroke. "This is ideal. Thank you."
There probably shouldn't be tears pricking at his eyes, but Tom's pretty sure Cin doesn't grasp the full extent of what he's doing for him. "It's never been like this," he confesses in a whisper.
"I know." Cin moves the hand not on his clit to Tom's face, thumb stroking his cheekbone in time with his thrusts. "You deserve this. I'm so sorry it's taken this much of your life, but I'm glad I get to be a part of it."
"I…" Tom wants to explain, then, how much all this means to him, and that he's falling head over heels for Cin and he's not sure he's going to cope if this is all over when the summer ends, but he settles for a teary smile and he thinks Cin understands anyway.
*~*~*
"How did you find this place?" Tom pants, forgetting all about the hike here, except for making a mental note that he needs to consider a gym membership. He feels like they've traveled miles from home, but Cin seems fine, so it might not be that far. Either way, they've emerged from the winding trail behind them out onto a sandy beach cut off from the rest of the shoreline by towering cliffs on either side.
"You know all those walks I go on while you're working? I've been exploring. This is pretty much the best of what I found. And it's practically at your back door."
"Yeah, practically at the back door." Tom tries to pretend he's not quietly dying of overexertion. "Just right outside."
Cin turns to look at him and frowns. "You okay?"
Tom takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly, and then forces himself to breathe normally. "Fine. It's just hot, and I'm old."
"It’s not that hot, and you're really not that old." Cin holds his hand out. "But we'll stick to your pace from now on, Grandpa."
Instead of arguing, Tom takes Cin's hand and lets himself be led along the beach, which is much more his speed. It's quiet here, and as far as he can see, there's only the one way onto it, besides boating in from the ocean. Considering the jagged rocks he can see maybe fifty meters off shore, though, the ocean probably isn't really an option, either.
It's not quite his own private beach, but it's theirs right now. They make their way along the sand to where the shadow of the cliff offers a little shelter from the sun. It's been a mild summer, but today's on the hot side. Tom's enjoying the opportunity to see Cin in shorts.
"I should have saved this for a day when I'm not unbearably horny," Cin says as he sits down on top of Tom.
"I'm definitely gonna advise
against
sex on the beach. Especially without a towel."
"Sounds like there's a fun story attached to that recommendation." Cin wriggles in Tom's lap.