18 Truths (21 page)

My eyes widened in horror. “No. I don’t trust Dr. Judy either. I don’t trust anybody.”

His gaze met mine, leveled and dark. “Anybody?”

“Except you. That was implied. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have told you all this.” My heart stopped for a moment, waiting for his reply.

“Well, if you trust me, then I say we trust Dr. Judy. You don’t even know what the consequences are. You have a responsibility.”

Raising my hands in exhaustion, I said, “The only responsibility I have is to Conner. And Dr. Judy, or anyone in charge for that matter, won’t help me find him! This demon is the only lead I have, but I can’t do this alone. I need your support. Are you going to help me or not?”

“Just stop, Olga!” he yelled. “I didn’t accept this job so I could break a million laws to find your precious Conner.”

I flinched, and Nate’s features softened. He touched my face, his fingers so faint against my cheek I barely felt them there.

“I hate to see you torturing yourself like this. Conner isn’t
your
responsibility. The accident wasn’t
your
fault. You need to accept that. God had another plan for him and for you.”

I realized a new truth right then. Something happens when you find out who you are. That girl who took risks this past year? She wasn’t the real me. It was one thing to say I’d moved on, let go of my guilt. But talk is cheap, and it wasn’t enough. What matters is what we do when we’re put through the fire. When demons aren’t just externalized, but appear right in front of us, we see who we really are. Was I still that ‘good person’ from the past year if I was willing to sell my soul for answers? I didn’t want to help the other side. I didn’t want to let Nate down. I felt so out of control. Did my good outweigh my bad?

“Well, it’s time for a new plan!” I let all my thoughts explode out of me, surprising myself. “I’m done with this spirit guide business. Conner is out there, and it
is
all my fault he’s alone. And I’m just doing Jar-Jar Binks stuff here anyway.”

Nate’s muscles turned rigid down the full length of his body. “What’s that supposed to mean?” The anger in his clenched teeth surprised me, the words slow and cold and precise.

I still didn’t know what I was
supposed
to do, but I knew what I
could
do. I could make this deal with a demon, but run a counter mission of my own. I could cut Nate loose so he wouldn’t get in trouble. That meant I had to hurt him, or he might never let me go. I took a deep breath and looked at the ground, because I couldn’t look him in the eye and say what I needed to say.

“Jar-Jar Binks… the most annoying sidekick ever. That’s what I feel like here next to you. An annoying sidekick only good enough to handle the kid stuff. I mean, what am I even doing here, Nate?”

“You’re guiding souls to find the healing they need.”

“No, I’m not. You are.” I shook my head. “This was your path. I don’t belong here with you anymore. Just admit it.” I looked up at him and tried to make my expression unreadable, so he wouldn’t sense the nausea in me, how sick the statement made me. I hated lying to him, but right now, I did exactly what I needed to do. And that was the truth.

“If that’s how you truly feel, then no, I guess you don’t.” He sounded calm now, his expression all business, but I saw the hurt in his eyes.

Nate was the strongest person I knew. Seeing him look so sad tore me apart. The cold stare I faked lessened a little. I swallowed hard. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to do this without being horrible. I’ve never had to… to—”

“Dump someone before?” He shook his head back and forth. “Don’t bother. Your message is loud and clear.”

Hearing those words was a punch in the stomach. I pressed my hands to my abdomen and looked away, my lip quivering as I held back tears. Of course, I was the one doing the dumping, but I felt so lost. I was thinking one thing, saying another, and doing something else entirely.

Minutes passed before he spoke again. “I don’t even know who you are anymore, and you know what? I don’t think you do, either.” His voice was light, not angry at all, but the tone was brittle, giving him away. “And you know what the worst part is? I’ve heard plenty of stories about Conner, and let me tell you about guys like him. He will disappoint you. I’d bet my ticket to Heaven that he hasn’t been worried for you this past year. He loved you only for what you did or didn’t do. I just love you for you.”

I flinched at his words before looking up at him, balling my fists at my sides. “Nate, I love you, too. I always will. But—”

He held up his hand, signaling for me to stop, and then crossed his arms. “Because I love you, I will let you do what you feel you need to do. You won’t have to worry about me interfering. You also won’t have to worry about coming back to me because I’m done.”

His words rang through the wind, my breathing suddenly ragged. I counted to thirty as we stood there, staring at each other, waiting for him to take it all back. At least something more along the lines of
I’m sorry I can’t help you, but I guess if I love you, then I should let you go. Good luck.
Instead, he turned and walked away. My mind became a clanging cymbal shouting
Don’t, Don’t, Don’t
over and over again. Even though I set the wheels in motion, even though I needed us to end, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. The words were all jumbled in my mind. Did I break up with him? Did he break up with me? I realized that I never thought he’d actually let me go. So much for happy endings. I should’ve known better for thinking those could happen to me.

For one moment, he turned around and looked at me, his gaze shifting slowly toward headquarters before finding my face again. I wanted to run to him, but my whole being went numb, my feet glued to the floor. Something flickered across his face as his own frozen expression melted. The intensity of his gaze overwhelmed me, making my legs wobble. I breathed in and out, unable to open my mouth and say anything, but praying he’d close the hundred yards or so between us and make his way back to me.

I watched him exhale, his chest falling. “Be careful, okay?” Then he muttered the three words I never thought I’d hear him say. “Goodbye, Olga Worontzoff.”

I couldn’t feel his emotion through the words, but nodded my head anyway. I would be careful. Being careful was my calling card. Careful didn’t mean I wouldn’t screw up everything though. In the end, I hoped he would see what drove me—my sense of responsibility for Conner, for not being able to prevent the situation which landed us here in the first place. Not my love. Even though I owned up to loving Conner, to myself at least, I knew he never loved me, not in the way I wanted him to. I suffered no delusions after feeling the sting of unrequited love for so many years.

Although, I also thought it would be Olga and Nate forever, something as sure as the quadratic formula. Now, I hadn’t just pushed him away to keep him safe, I’d completely destroyed any future together. Did that mean I could be wrong about other things, too? I was usually right, but I did draw the wrong conclusion sometimes. I had thought Nate was different from all the other guys I’d known my whole life, but he gave up at the first sign of trouble. He was just like all the rest. He didn’t even fight for me.

In retrospect, maybe I’d been wrong about how Conner felt about me, too. I shook my head. There was only one way to find out.

“I hope that real love and truth are stronger in the end
than any evil or misfortune in the world.”
—Charles Dickens

'd always imagined that when I appeared at the pearly gates of Heaven, an angel would greet me and present a slide show of my life before God judged if I could enter or not. My friends and family who had gone on before me would gather around to watch with shocked expressions as they viewed moments they never knew about. Some of these moments would even be a surprise to myself, moments I forgot about, or wished I could take back, or were shocked that I’d participated in them at all.

If I ever made it to Heaven, I imagined that this moment would no doubt be at the top of that list. And yet, here I was, determined to follow through with my plan, and ready to make good on my deal with a demon.

People flocked to Lake Tomahawk Park this time of day, the sun high above us, scorching our skin from the blue sky. From my perch atop a picnic table, I watched some children kick around a soccer ball and some teens fishing at the lake. For a moment, I almost felt giddy with the potential of summer, until I remembered again why I was here. But I also wondered how this could all be here. Did the whole city exist for Grace to be in it? I pictured the town only existing in the places Grace went. Maybe the demon created this mirage. I shuddered, and not for the first time, I second-guessed coming here.

I scanned the park, searching for Sam. Couples strolled the circular path of the lake. Kids splashed in the pool by the clubhouse. Grace and Nate hung out at the swings, him pushing her high into the air from behind.

What the heck?

I bet all of this was here because they’d already planned to meet at the park today, and Sam knew that. I spotted him peering around a corner at me from the balcony of the clubhouse. After taking one more look at Nate and Grace and getting that “more than friends” vibe reaffirmed, I walked briskly toward Sam, climbing the outside stairwell with determination.

Determination, yes. But the thoughts of
what if my plan doesn’t work
nagged constantly at my mind with each step.

I shook my head. No, my plan had to work. It just might cost me my soul in the process.

On the balcony, Sam lounged in a plastic chair, his pale hands clasped behind his head, looking creepy as hell. The wife beater and baggy shorts must be his standard attire, but today there were barbeque stains down the front of it… or blood. I hoped those red spots were from a barbeque lunch.

I took a seat next to him. Just a little over three weeks ago, I had my chance at Heaven, now I made deals with demons. My, how the mighty had fallen.

On the gritty cement down below, a two-year-old kicked and wailed in his stroller. Never before could I relate so much to wanting out. I swallowed hard, thinking, could I really do this? Once upon a time, I would’ve
never
entertained the thought of doing something like this.

But now wasn’t a fairy tale, and I was far, far away from once upon a time territory. When Sam remained quiet, I leaned over the small white table between us.

“So, I’m here.” My voice sounded hoarse with weariness, but I continued. “What’s next?”

Checking his watch, he said, “You’re here, and you’re on time. That makes you reliable, not that
I
ever had any doubts.” His gaze felt predatory. “Pain has made you strong, Olga. Your loss is our gain.”

I looked at Nate and Grace on the swings. “Whatever. I’d say pain has made me weak, especially if I’m making deals with demons.”

“In due time, I think you’ll see things my way.”

A big part of me wanted to yell at Sam that I’d never see things his way, but a bigger part of me wanted to get this meeting over with. “Look, just tell me what I need to know for this mission.”

“There’s a building behind headquarters.”