Of course, I could just have that conversation with him at headquarters, without blowing our cover and without landing in hot water with Riel and Ash. But I wouldn’t do that either. Ugh, I wanted to take my love back from him so badly. My thoughts bounced back between him and Conner so much that sometimes I wondered if I loved either one of them at all. Actually, I didn’t wonder; I wished, I hoped, I prayed; because then I wouldn’t feel this pain.
If I could stop myself from loving either of them then I would, but that’s the trickery of love. You can’t stop yourself from falling, and you can’t stop loving someone once you start either. In fact, the more I tried, the more that truth became evident. Mine and Nate’s old connection might be lessened. Mine and Conner’s connection might be lost for eternity. My levels/types/depths of love for them might change over time, but the brutal honesty was my heart was forever lost to them both.
Hell, I might just lose my whole soul over them, as well.
I didn’t know how long I’d been spying from the front steps of an antique and vintage shop, a few doors down from the restaurant, when a guy approached me, soundless and graceful as a cougar. His catlike gait was unsettling, like he would shift into a crouch and pounce on me at any moment. Maybe another day the thought would’ve been appealing because he was young and handsome, probably just a few years older than me if judging by the defined muscles peeking out from his ribbed white tank top and baggy jean shorts. But the smile he flashed gave me the heebie jeebies, as Mom would’ve called it. Something in my gut told me not to trust him.
He sat down behind me, leaned back, and rested his elbows on the step above. For a moment, he just studied me with lifeless charcoal eyes and I studied him back. Taking in his midnight colored hair, he reminded me of a raven. Immediately, I thought of Edgar Allan Poe’s famous poem and took it as an ominous sign. My heart pounding, I felt a foreboding sense of doom, like he didn’t belong in the light.
“Nice day for stalking, isn’t it?”
I sat up straighter, smoothing down my shirt. “Excuse me?”
He shrugged. “You’re stalking your boyfriend and Grace. I’m stalking you. Riel sure did create a beautiful day for stalking is all I’m saying.” He gave a knowing smirk and held out his hand for introductions. “I’m Sam.”
I drew back slightly. A gazillion questions flashed through my mind, starting with who was this guy, and how did he know about Nate, Grace, and Riel? I knew from the moment I saw him that something was off, and I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to know what, but I pressed on anyway. “What are you doing here?”
With a raised eyebrow, he said, “Stalking you. Didn’t we just go over this?”
My body tightened. “Okay, well, stalkers don’t usually announce they’re stalking you. So at the risk of repeating myself, what are you doing here?”
“I came to make you a deal, Olga. I can help you locate Conner, but first you need to give me something.”
A tense beat followed as our eyes locked, and I felt like a volcano about to erupt. I didn’t like this one bit. “Who are you?” I whispered.
He let his breath out in a low chuckle. “Sam. Geez, are you special or something? I’ll have to inform Riel that he should stop new recruits from eating the paste and sniffing the permanent markers. You ask a lot of questions I’ve already covered.”
I scooted up a step to meet his gaze, looking at him uncomprehendingly. “You know what I mean. Do you think all your smack talk is going to intimidate me? You already told me I got something you want, so let’s hear what you came for.”
Sam stretched himself out among the three steps, and completely lying down, put his hands behind his head. “Sorry, sweetheart. I was just having some fun. I like to work hard and play hard. You know what I mean?”
“Sorry, no.”
He smirked a little. “Well, then you are in for a crazy rollercoaster ride.”
I threw my hands in the air in mock fashion. “Wheeee! Now, like I said, let’s hear what you came for.”
Sam looked amused, and mildly annoyed. “You got lucky in Dr. Judy’s office with her hypnosis suggestion. But those passwords are only the beginning of your questions, and only I can answer them. Well, I guess others could answer them, but I’m the only one willing.”
Oh, crap.
I tensed at his words, and prayed the movement was microscopic. He knew about Dr. Judy and the hypnosis, too? Examining my nails, I pretended to be clueless. “Whatever. I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I seriously needed to know how he just showed up and knew all this stuff, but I knew from experience with guys that playing hard to get was the best strategy. Okay, that was a lie. I didn’t know from
experience
per se, but I’d heard.
He lowered his eyelids and looked at me through his lashes, his gray gaze pinning me in place. “You wanted to know who I am, and now I’ll tell you. I’m a demon, and that means I’m also someone with the resources to help you locate Conner. But first you have to do something for me.” He nodded to where Nate sat with Grace. “Oh, and the mission I have for you is for you alone. If you tell Nate, you may never see him again, unless you do something stupid to land you both in Hell.”
By now, the color had most likely drained from my face, but I tried to act nonchalant. “Oh, I’m shaking in my boots. I’m pretty sure you don’t have that type of authority.”
Sam looked at me, his storm-cloud eyes narrow. “You know, I would prefer if we stopped these little reindeer games and focused on business from this point forward.”
My mind raced as I wondered if I should hear him out, try to be rid of him, or run to Nate for help. Eventually, I conceded with a nod. “Fine. What do you want from me? The passwords?”
“You can keep your passwords. I already have them anyway, thanks to you.”
“Thanks to me? I didn’t give them to you.”
His responding laugh was loud, a cackle even. “I can be anywhere I’m provoked or anywhere evil takes place. Therefore, I sat in a chair across from you the whole time, invisible to your eyes. But what I want is what those passwords can lead to. You can open doors we can’t go through.”
“We?”
“Demons.”
I tilted my head to the side, studying his face. “Now who’s the glue sniffer? You have to be out of your mind to think I’ll go along with helping a band of demons.” Privately, I was relieved I had the guts to stand up to Sam, but my control of the situation was only temporary.
He sat up and opened his arms wide. “I already saw you in Dr. Judy’s office and how you manipulated her hypnosis. I’ve already seen your desperation. By the way, well done.” He straightened his spine and gave me a golf clap. “I mean it, bravo! The question is, how far are you willing to go to see this thing through? You won’t find Conner on your own, and your boyfriend won’t want any part in helping you.”
“Why should I believe anything you tell me? You’re a demon.”
“Hmm, demon, angel, tomato, tomahto, potato, potahto. Don’t you realize you’re just a pawn in this game? You get that Alpha File 120 for me, and you’ll realize that for yourself real quick. Now, I’ll give you thirty seconds to do the right thing. After that, my offer expires, and you can forget about ever finding Conner. You can forget about everything you’ve ever worked for.”
“Wait. Before you start that countdown, I need some hardcore proof you know where Conner is to even consider your offer.”
“I thought you might go there. You want your proof, sweetheart, you got it.” He pulled a small brown package from the inside pocket of his vest.
After he passed the padded envelope to me, I blindly undid the clasp and dumped the contents onto my lap. Up until this point, my gaze had been locked on Sam’s. Slowly, I lowered my head and gasped, my mouth falling open, then I silently scolded myself for showing emotion. There were three photos, all of Conner.
It’s pictures of Conner!
I studied the images, my mind spinning. I could tell the pictures were recent. His blond hair was longer, in a full-blown Jesus of Nazareth way but styled in dreadlocks. He rocked pork chop sideburns he never had before. Plus, his wispy soul patch had grown into a small beard.
I wanted to pick up the photos and caress the glossy images, but my fingers froze. “Conner?” My voice was barely a whisper, my eyes wide with shock. The tears already came, but I tried to hold them back. I needed to study the pictures impassively, revealing nothing more to Sam, but in reality, remaining upright was a task in itself. I decided to ask a lighter question in search of confirmation. “How does he have long hair now? I didn’t think you aged in death.”
Sam shrugged. “You don’t, but your hair, your nails, your waistline, all of those things can still grow.” He pressed a button on his wristwatch. “Your countdown starts now.”
Seconds ticked by as I fought for control. There was no time to process my feelings. I mulled the decision over feverishly, trying to think clearly through the shock gripping my brain. Proof existed that Conner was, in fact, somewhere near! I had to see him. It felt like my life depended on that truth, and possibly his for some reason. But could I trust Sam? One more look at him and my gut instantly told me no. But I couldn’t afford to ignore his offer either. I only had a split second to decide. Stay with Nate, help Grace, and follow ‘our’ plan to be spirit guides—although one glance at the pair of them told me I wasn’t needed on that front—or throw caution to the wind and follow my heart.
“I’ll do it.” My mouth made the choice before my brain did. I waited for the bolt of lightning that took my best friend to shoot out of the fake clouds and strike me dead, damned to Hell for good. Nothing happened, so I proceeded with my plan. “But I’m not handing over those files until after you take me to Conner. I have to make sure you follow through on your word first.” I tried to look intimidating, but scary was sort of hard to pull off with my voice breaking on practically every word I spoke.
His gray gaze flicked up and down the length of my body. “Fine, I guess a situation like yours does call for some type of security measure.” He shot me a crooked smile. “I have some security measures of my own. Meet me at the Lake Tomahawk Park clubhouse after school tomorrow. Don’t be late, or there will be consequences. Understand?”
“I understand.” Getting the words out proved difficult this time. The fact that I, the rational valedictorian, just made a deal with a demon, finally resonated with me. My decision to work with Sam was the darkest one I’d ever made, and the thought gave me the chills.
Light-headed, I closed my eyes so I couldn’t watch Sam walk away. Our talk left me feeling like I was being featured on a controversial after-school special for spirit guides. Dropping my chin to my chest, I breathed in and out, very slowly. “Please, God…” I was in so deep now. I wondered if I’d passed the point of praying for some guidance and protection.
When I opened my eyes, my gaze darted to the pictures still spread across my lap. I gathered them up quickly, then bolted inside the antiques and vintage store. The lady behind the counter greeted me, and I asked if I could use their bathroom. She pointed toward the back of the shop.
After closing the door, I collapsed on the tile, clutching desperately to the photos of Conner. I reached out and touched him, mesmerized by his image. Then, I burst into tears, covering my face so my salty drops wouldn’t ruin the pictures as I allowed myself to cry quietly.
“I can’t believe it’s him,” I whispered, still reeling from the shock of seeing him. So many emotions flooded my heart: terror, relief, helplessness, shame, joy. Slipping the Morticia Addams ring out of my jeans pocket, I turned it over and over between my fingers. “Oh, God, I don’t know how to do this.” I looked down at Conner’s photos again. “I don’t know what to do. There are some truths I never want You to learn about, but You already know about them, don’t You, God?” My heart sped up with the weight of everything resting on my shoulders. Out of nowhere, I felt weak and lightheaded, and I gasped for air. Chest aching, mind racing, everything around me crashing—it felt like this might be the end. One final moment of extreme terror… then suddenly, it melted away as I glanced at Conner’s picture again. His voice in my head told me I didn’t have time to sit in a public bathroom and wallow.
Even though it was almost impossible to take my eyes off Conner, I stuffed the pictures into the brown envelope, then into my backpack. Grabbing onto the sink, I pulled myself up and checked my reflection in the mirror. A pale ghost stared back at me, my gaze pained. After splashing some cold water onto my face, I forced my expression to remain flat and exited the restroom.
After leaving the shop, my gaze immediately found Nate and Grace. He held a pen in his hand and wrote something on her palm. Marching, I followed the circular path leading to their table. The crowded porch filled the air with noise, and they didn’t hear or see me approaching since they had their backs to me. When Nate grabbed both of Grace’s hands and held them in his, I decided to hide behind a wooden pole and listen to their conversation.
“When we lose someone we love, when life is cut short, we often find ourselves asking why. Why her? Why my mom? Why now? After gut-wrenching sorrow, there has to be a glimmer of hope to move on. Discover what that hope is, and hold onto it with all your might.”
Grace heaved a deep, agonizing sigh, and I peeked around the corner just in time to see Nate rubbing her back. She held up her palm, and I could see what he wrote as she read the words aloud. “Hold onto hope.”
I felt like a stalker, like Sam, watching them from this vantage point. Remembering my pain after Conner’s accident, my heart did break for Grace. I’d cry again now just from the memory of his death if I didn’t have the hope of seeing him again.
Instead, I stood on a porch by myself, watching my boyfriend comfort ‘our’ assignment. In the distance, some jocks threw a football on the green, a couple shared iPod headphones, and trash skittered by on the brick pavement.
But none of this is real
, I kept telling myself, and I needed something real. I decided the time was now or never. I needed to break up this little love fest and tell Nate about my plan.