During our ten minute break between classes, I bumped into Grace while leaving the bathroom.
“Hey.”
Stay cool. Don’t act like a jealous girlfriend.
“Hey.” She coughed and shuffled to a stall.
“Wait. I was wondering, do you want to grab some lunch with me after school today?”
The way she looked at me, I could just tell she didn’t like me. “Um, Nate and I are actually skipping Biology and going to take a nap in the park, and then we’re going out to eat. I’m really tired and hungry after last night.”
Last night?
The way she said those words gave me chills, alarming me to a truth I didn’t want to hear about.
“What happened last night?”
She slowly opened one of the bathroom doors. “Nothing. We were just out all night. I told him we’re allowed two absences during summer session, so we’re taking the second one today. No biggie. I’ll see ya later.”
My chills disappeared, an angry heat spreading through my core as I pictured them out together, and then him keeping that little tidbit from me.
I marched into the hallway and spotted Nate waiting on a wooden bench by the lockers. “Where were you last night?”
“Excuse me?” His eyebrows squished together.
“I went looking for you after our date.” Two could play the lying game. “You weren’t in your room, and I couldn’t find you anywhere.”
His gaze darted everywhere but me. “What are you, the RA of the spirit guide dorms now?” He laughed, like the whole thing was a joke, but he stopped after a second when he noticed my silence.
Finally, I said, “Maybe I am. Had to find something to occupy my time since you won’t let me help you. Are you gonna tell me where you were with Grace or not?”
Grace materialized in the hallway as if on cue, but thankfully maintained her distance.
“Can we do this later? Grace and I made plans, and she’s waiting.”
“You know, I’m getting really tired of that excuse. Are you just sick of me or something?”
Nate stood up. “I’m sick of you acting like I killed your dog every time I run into you.”
I shook my head. “My dog died a long time ago.”
“You’re missing the point.”
Grasping his chin between my thumb and forefinger, I forced him to look me in the eye. “No, what I’m missing is
you
. I mean, what is up? You’re not acting like yourself at all.”
He closed his eyes, completely shutting me out. “And you are?”
The bell rang, and Nate reached into his pocket. “Here, this is for you.”
Watching him go, I wanted to crumple up his card and hurl the envelope at him without even reading his words, but I just stood there, biting my tongue.
Deciding there was no point in going to Biology, I instead lounged on the same outside bench where I first met Grace three weeks ago and opened Nate’s card.
Olga,
Thanks for the date last night. You’ve made the last year of my ‘life’ the best ever. I want to do the same for you. You are the main reason I do everything. I don’t care if our whole year was real or not, I’ll never forget all the things we did together. No one has touched my life like you have. I hope that I can always be a part of your forever. I know life, and even death, isn’t fair. Remember when we listened to Demons by Imagine Dragons last night? The song spoke of hiding the truth to shelter someone he loved. I want to protect you so badly, Olga. I’ll do anything to accomplish that task. We all have our secrets, our demons, don’t we? Lately, I feel like you only show the best parts of yourself to me and hide the worst. But remember that I will always love all of you, with all my heart.
~Nate
What the heck? His words were so cryptic and sounded a lot like goodbye. I couldn’t decipher his hidden meaning, and I was too jacked up to sit around all day thinking about things I didn’t understand.
Sighing, I unzipped my backpack and took out the Daily Meditation Guide, hoping for inspiration. Today’s scripture came from the book of Psalms, chapter twenty, verses four and five.
“May the Lord grant you your heart’s desire, and fulfill all your plans… May the Lord fulfill all your petitions.”
Underneath, there was some blank space to journal on, so I uncapped my pen. For a moment, I hesitated over putting my plans down on paper, but then I figured God could probably read the journal of my mind anyway. After all, He knew me better than I knew myself, right?
I think it’s funny this verse is my meditation today. It’s like a sign showing me that finding Conner is what I will do. From the time I was a little girl, God has given me the desires of my heart, no matter how childish, like getting a new bike for Christmas. Over the years, I had a good family, a good education, good friends, and good coffee. What more could a girl ask for? But it’s time to let go of denial and acknowledge the vast empty hole in my heart that is exactly Conner Anderson shaped. I thought Nate had filled the void, and in many ways, he did, but it was more like instituting a restraining order with a fifty-foot perimeter. He kept my heartache at bay, but his love wasn’t a cure. The problem was always there. I’ll never fully let go of Conner. Maybe knowing what happened to him will fix that problem, maybe not.
This past year with my list of 18 Things, Nate taught me how to get out of my hiding place and experience ‘life.’ And I think becoming a spirit guide is about that even more in some ways. I still don’t know the details of everything here, so I have to step out in faith, and God is always pleased with that, right? He wouldn’t want me to give up. I can’t just sit here and waste time. Yes, I still have a job to do, but I can’t just wonder what happened to Conner in the meantime. I can’t be like that hamster my parents got me for my eighth birthday, running in a wheel with no forward progress.
And yes, there will probably be groaning and great gnashing of teeth to get to where he is. Yes, the path of least resistance has better coffee and chocolate, but I’m willing to give up some of my comforts to find him. I just hope I don’t have to give up Heaven, or Nate. Anyway, thank you, Lord, for the blessing of your faithfulness in always hearing my prayers, even when You choose not to answer them in Your infinite wisdom. Above all else, I believe You are good and kind, and won’t punish me for my curiosity when You are the One who made me who I am. I don’t want to be who I was, a coward, so I’m moving forward today. I hope I have Your blessing.
I scanned over my entry, stunned I had so much to say, my writing overflowing to the next page. I didn’t even notice the tear running down my cheek until I finished reading. Conner was the one constant desire in my life from such an early age, and the time to get him back had arrived.
After returning the meditation guide to my bag, I took out the cell phone issued by headquarters. The phones on Earth looked identical, only this was a smarter version of the smart phone. Actually, the cell was somewhat mind-blowing. Instead of a 2D flat display, the screen was 3D, letting me reach in and touch stuff and grab the app I wanted to use. Ash said Earth was usually ten years behind the technology in this realm. If only we had an advanced Google search or Facebook page that could help me locate Conner in the Underworld. Using voice activation instead of punching in a number, I simply said, “Call Dr. Judy.”
When she picked up, relief flooded through me to discover her number was the same one I had for her during my after-death purification process. “Hi there, Dr. Judy. Olga Worontzoff here.”
“I know.”
“Um, right. So, how are you?”
“I was just about to ask you the same question. Nate’s been updating me on Grace, but I haven’t heard anything from you. Is everything okay?”
“Well, that’s kinda what I’m calling about. I was wondering if I could get some advice on my love life.”
Total lie. Although I could have used some tips in that area, my intention to snoop in her office for information about Conner trumped all my other needs.
“Sure thing. I’ll always be here for you. I just had an appointment cancel. Can you be here in an hour?”
“That’s a good question. I’m not exactly sure how to get to your office anymore.”
“Just make your way back to headquarters and ask them for door number three hundred twenty-nine. The entry will pop up on the other side of the pond in front of the building. Just knock and I’ll open for you.”
As I made my way back to headquarters, I felt like I had lost my mind. There were so many convoluted thoughts running through my head. Like, Nate was a good guy, and he didn’t deserve what I was about to do to him. But Conner and I were supposed to be together forever—that was my plan since I met him at five years old. I didn’t even know who I was anymore or what I was doing or why I was doing it. Because I was dead, and I knew in my heart Conner lived in the Underworld somewhere, and I needed to find him.
I knocked on Dr. Judy’s door and heard the lock slide open. She greeted me with her usual smile plastered across her face when I stepped inside. I walked over to the window. Shifting from one foot to the other, I wrung my hands, realizing the town I looked out at wasn’t Grand Haven.
“What Limbo town are you counseling in today?”
“Toms River, New Jersey, near where that massive hurricane hit on your birthday last year. Why don’t you take a seat?” Dr. Judy clicked the door shut behind me.
On the other side of the glass, rain poured down, fittingly, and I ignored her offer to have a seat to watch the weather instead. After a few minutes, I thought her office had sprung a leak, before realizing I’d been crying. I wiped my tears, knowing Dr. Judy could do little to comfort me this time.
“I know it’s going to take some time to get adjusted,” Dr. Judy said from behind me. “How are you holding up?”
“I’m good. I’m fine. I’m okay.” A surge of adrenaline percolated through me as I turned away and spotted the two tall filing cabinets on either side of the wall behind her leather chair. Maybe they held some answers for me. My heart pounded a million beats per second. Sweat coated my forehead. Jumbled thoughts clouded my mind. As I took a seat, I imagined this was what a meth addict felt like.
Dr. Judy didn’t look like she bought the whole ‘I’m fine’ bit, her forehead creasing in a look of genuine worry before her permanent smile flashed across her face. “So, are you really here because of your love life? I figured you and Nate would be solid now that you don’t have to figure out that messy business of where your relationship was headed when he left for his band tour and you left for college.” She raised an eyebrow. “I assumed when you called that you must have a lot of questions for me since you found out you died.” She widened her ultra-calm smile. “We never did have our proper round of twenty questions that day I told you and Nate. I think you were both too shocked, which is usual. Most people just move on to Heaven and forget about any questions, though.”
I scoffed. “I wish I only had twenty questions. Try a million.”
“Well, hopefully I can answer some of them. All I ask for is a little patience.”
“Don’t tell me to be patient when you’re the one who didn’t tell me for a whole year that I was dead.”
She reached for me, but my hands flew up, warding her off.
I gave her the you-owe-me-big-time glare. “You know how it is. Learning you’re dead. You’ve been there before.” Tears sprung to my eyes right on cue. “It’s like a death sentence all over again. I haven’t just lost Conner. I’ve lost everyone I loved.”
“Through your own actions,” Dr. Judy said under her breath, but I still heard her.
“You’re not helping.”
Her face flushed. “Sorry.”
“Anyway, I’ve mostly been too depressed to get out of bed again after our last session. For a while, being in the classes and simulations for spirit guide training made me feel like my old self again. And getting our first assignment gave me hope, knowing it was possible to help someone else through the same experiences I went through, especially when it turned out to be your daughter. Knowing all my pain wasn’t for nothing. But I don’t know how to get through to Grace, and Nate has mostly taken over our assignment. I need your help to make this work. She told us that you were an alcoholic, that you drank yourself to death.”
Dr. Judy let out a long sigh and walked toward the door, her shoulders slumped. When she turned and looked at me, it was as if her whole life flashed in her eyes. “I wasn’t a good mother, and I’ve blocked out most of Grace’s childhood. Time moves differently here. My life on Earth seems so long ago even though only three years have passed.” She wiped a hand over her face. “I don’t know if there’s anything in my memories to help you connect with Grace, but I’m desperate to help my baby. To tell you the truth, the numbers aren’t impressive for the success rate of spirit guides helping teens through Limbo. They’re prone to hellish behavior and continuing states of crisis.”
I gestured at her impatiently. “So you’ve given Nate and I a case doomed to fail for our first mission? Come on, there has to be some advice you can give me, some tidbit of wisdom.”
“I wanted you on the case because you’re the only teen spirit guides we have. I thought you’d relate to her the best. And I can give you something better. Would you like to try hypnosis on me?”
I recognized the total look of reckless urgency fueling her. “I thought you told me once that hypnotherapy was cheating.”
She stepped toward the reclining chair in the corner by the window. “To deal with grief and guilt, yes. But not to retrieve memories to save your only child. Everything is fair game to help with that.”
I took a deep breath. “But I don’t know the first thing about hypnotizing someone.” Technically, that wasn’t true, but I still didn’t feel qualified.
“Didn’t Ruth teach you about hypnosis in your spirit guide training?” she asked over her shoulder.
I bit my lip. “She tried to put me under as a way of teaching, but I resisted. Then there was, like, two pages about hypnosis in our textbook. I think our written final exam only featured three questions on the subject.”
“Well, for someone equipped with a photographic memory like you, it should be no problem.”