150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (57 page)

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Most Incompetent Futurist Award goes to …
Thomas Baldwin and David A. Prior for conceiving something so illogical as the flying, laser-beam shooting gauntlet (and the remotely activated toolbox it is kept in).

And the Worst Costume Design Award goes to …
The anonymous person (possibly Erica Nedly) who decided police uniforms of the future are jeans and jean vests.

They Really Said It!

John Tucker
: You have committed a crime. You are presumed guilty until proven innocent. You have the right to die. If you choose to relinquish that right, you will be placed under arrest and imprisoned.

Betcha Didn't Know

David Carradine died in a Bangkok hotel room in 2009, the victim of auto-erotic aphyxiation gone bad or assassination by a shadowy cult of martial artists protecting their secrets. (Seriously. I can't make stuff like this up.)

This film was successful enough to spawn a sequel (
Future Zone
) that features time travel and is even more illogical than this one.

Trivia Quiz

John Tucker sports a red hand on the back of his vest and his house robe. What other character portrayed by David Carradine wore that same symbol?

A: Bill (in
Kill Bill
)

B: Kwai Chang Caine (in
Kung Fu
)

C: Frankenstein (in
Death Race 2000
)

D: Rawley Wilkes (in
Lone Wolf McQuade
)

Answer: B. Carradine played the wandering kung fu master and restless man of peace in two television series and two made-for-TV movies

PRODUCER
Tony Recoder

WRITER
Michael Skaife (aka Miguel Madrid)

DIRECTOR
Michael Skaife (aka Miguel Madrid)

STARS
Bill Curran (
Michael Sherrington
), Frank Braña (
Dr. Lexter
), Titania Clement (
Lilith
), and Beatriz Lacy (
Margaret
)

When Michael (Curran) sets out to uncover the mystery surrounding the death of his wife, he comes into conflict with her evil, crazy sisters, a bizarre grave-robbing cult, and the lizardmonster they serve.

Why It Sucks

It's a mishmash of badly connected plot-threads that add up to incoherent nonsense. Like all bad movies you'll keep watching it to see whether it can get any worse. In that respect,
Graveyard of
Horror
doesn't disappoint. It goes from a limp gothic horror to a lame monster movie at a rapid pace.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Movie Monster Award goes to …
The rubber-faced, gratuitous lizard creature, which serves next to no purpose in the overall story (except to have a movie with a lizard creature).

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Miguel Madrid for a five-minute montage of flashback clips that serves no purpose other than to remind us what a great director he is … or maybe just pad out the running time.

They Really Said It!

Lilith
: I think I'll take a bath in perfume.

Betcha Didn't Know

Bill Curran left the movie business at the end of the 1970s but resurfaced in 2005, playing the part of a dead body in the sci-fi thriller
Into the Maelstrom
.

“Necrophagus” describes a creature that feeds on carrion.

Trivia Quiz

Who was cinema's first mad scientist?

A: Dr. Jekyll

B: Dr. Frankenstein

C: Dr. Caligari

D: Dr. Kildare

Answer: B. Dr. Frankenstein first appeared in the 1910 silent adaptation of Mary Shelley's novel.

PRODUCER
Rick Sloane

WRITER
Rick Sloane

DIRECTOR
Rick Sloane

STARS
Tom Bartlett (
Kevin
), Paige Sullivan (
Amy
), and Jeffrey Culver (
McCreedy
)

When the world's most incompetent night watchman allows a group of diminutive, furry aliens to escape from the film vault of a bankrupt studio, it's up to security guard trainee Kevin (Bartlett) to capture or kill the creatures before the sun rises and they kill everyone in the city.

Why It Sucks

The only thing worse than the lame puppetry of the creatures is the performances of the actors. In the 1980s,
Gremlins
started a trend of “small killer creatures” (continued in the Chucky movies). Maybe the makers of this film thought they were spoofing those movies. Or maybe this was an honest attempt at making a humorous horror movie. In either case,
Hobgoblins
fails completely.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Special Edward D Wood Jr.
Memorial Award goes to … Rick Sloan for using so much stock footage in the picture that one might think it was a demo reel.

And the Worst Actor Award goes to …
Tim Bartlett for his role as Kevin, which he played with about the same degree of animation as one of the puppets.

They Really Said It!