Winter’s Awakening (17 page)

“Lilly, finally, you’re home!” her mother said the moment Lilly opened the kitchen door after work.

“Is something wrong?” Automatically, she started looking for Ty. Her mom had the kind of panicked look that only came when someone was seriously hurt. Had her little brother gotten into some kind of accident?

“No, nothing’s wrong. It’s just that your father and I have been waiting to speak with you.” After taking a deep breath, she added, “Come into the living room and speak to us before you go change.”

As worry fled, a new emotion surrounded her. Aggravation. They’d been planning her life again.

After serving food all afternoon, all Lilly wanted to do was take a shower and relax. She definitely did not want to have a serious discussion about her future. Her decision had been made, and if her parents weren’t happy about it, they were going to have to learn to accept it.
On leaden feet, she entered the living room. “Is there any way we can do this tomorrow? I’m really tired.”

“What we have to tell you won’t take long,” her father said. “Please sit down for a few minutes.”

When she hesitated, still in no hurry to subject herself to another interrogation, they looked at each other in a pained way. Like their world was about to end. Obviously, something more was on their minds than her recent decision.

Now curious, she sank into a chair. “What do you need to tell me?”

Her mother looked at her father for a long moment. After he nodded, she spoke. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll be blunt. Lilly, I got pregnant out of wedlock, too.”

“What?”

“I got pregnant with Charlie before your dad and I were married. It…it was unplanned.”

With some shock she remembered their last anniversary. “No, wait a minute. That doesn’t make sense at all. You just celebrated your twentieth anniversary and Charlie’s just nineteen.”

With a shrug, her mom said, “We lied.”

“You’ve been lying to us? All this time?” Lilly felt dizzy. How much grief would have been saved if her parents had unbent enough to share this news with her! All this guilt, and they’d gone through the same thing! They’d acted like they were so perfect, that she was the biggest fool in the world.

It was unbelievable.

“We got married pretty quickly.” With another look at her husband, regret floated across her mother’s face. “Actually, we were forced to get married
extremely
quickly. My family was very angry.”

“I don’t think they’ve ever forgiven me for ruining your mom’s future,” her dad added with a grimace. “Even after all these years.”

Lilly tried to recall the last time her grandparents had spent any time at their house. She couldn’t. Putting it all together she said, “Is that why they never come over for holidays? Because they’re still upset with you?”

“I don’t know if that’s the reason…or if it’s because we proved them wrong.”

“Wrong, how?”

“We’ve been happy,” her mom said. “See, Lilly, being a stay-at-home mom was never what my parents had planned for me. They had pretty high expectations.”

“Like what?”

“Your mother was a literary scholar,” her dad interjected. “She could have been a college professor. Could have gotten her PhD. Colleges everywhere were recruiting her to study with them.”

“But instead you got married and had Charlie.”

“Yes. I’ve never regretted my decision either. Nowadays, women try to do it all. But back then, it wasn’t the case. Girls had to choose.”

“And you chose motherhood.”

“I did. But I have to admit that I didn’t always have an easy time of it. There were moments when Charlie was a baby and your dad was in night school, and I was so
tired—so tired I didn’t think I could stand up straight—that I would have wished to go back in time.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell us?”

“I didn’t want you to make the same decisions I did.”

Her dad continued. “And we never wanted Charlie to ever feel like he was at fault for the choices we made.”

“And it’s not something I was proud of,” her mom added, a faint blush staining her cheeks. “Anyway, we just thought you should see our side of things. Why we’ve been really wanting you to give up the baby for adoption.”

Their side of things
. Lilly’s mind was running in circles. When she thought of all the tears she’d cried, always because she’d thought she’d shocked her parents, and had disappointed them so much, well, she could hardly think straight now.

Slowly she said, “When you realized that your parents didn’t want to forgive you, how did that make you feel?”

With a puzzled frown, her mother replied. “Angry, of course. Sad. And alone. I was an only child, you know.”

“I bet you felt like a failure, too.”

Reaching out, her mother gripped her hand and nodded.

“Because that’s how I’ve been feeling. I made a really dumb decision, Mom. I knew I didn’t love Alec, but I thought I could. And one night, everything just…happened.”

Her father’s lips pursed. Lilly knew she was hurting
him. She knew he didn’t want to hear the things she was saying. But now she knew that the truth was better than lie after lie. “I didn’t want to get pregnant. And I sure don’t want to marry Alec.”

“On that, we can agree.”

“But Mom, Dad, I can’t give up this baby. I know I should. I know I should want to do all kinds of wonderful things with my life without a baby by my side…but I can’t. That’s why I called Alec and Ms. Vonn the other day and told them the news.”

“Don’t you think you could have involved us in the decision?” her father asked. “You really hurt us when you shut us out.”

She knew she had. And she was sorry about it. But she also was a realist. “Actually, I don’t think I could have talked to you about it at all. Besides knowing that you would have tried to talk me out of it—I knew it was a decision I needed to make for myself.”

“I suppose you did,” his mother said after an awkward moment.

“I did.” Though they’d probably never believe it, hearing about their struggles had made her feel even stronger. And had made her feel even more comfortable with her decision.

Her parents traded uneasy glances with each other. “We didn’t tell you this so you would throw your life away.”

“Did getting married and having Charlie mean you threw your life away?”

“Of course not. But things are different now.”

“Are they?” Lilly doubted it. Now, more than ever, she felt as if they weren’t treating her as an adult—just a child who had done a stupid thing.

“Very much so. You’re not a failure, Lilly. And I promise that you’re not alone.” Her mother flushed. “Despite what we said last night, we do want to help you.”

“Do you? Lately, it sure hasn’t felt that way. Now that I know about Charlie, I’m even more surprised by the things you’ve been saying. Especially since you know about the things I’ve been going through.”

“We do know. But we also know that deciding to keep your baby won’t be easy,” her mother warned. “You’ll lose some of your friends from high school.”

“I’ll lose the friends who weren’t true friends. And if I do, that’s okay, anyway. I’m making new friends here.”

Her dad’s eyes narrowed. “Friends like Joshua Graber?”

“Yes,” she replied, daring them to find fault. “Like Josh.”

“He’s never going to accept a woman who had a baby out of wedlock. Not for marriage.”

“I don’t want to marry him, Dad. I just want him as my friend.”

“You think you two can just be friends?”

“I know we can. Because we already are.”

For a moment, the three of them stared in silence, then her father got to his feet. Lilly stood up, too, and within seconds he reached for her. As soon as she stepped closer, he pulled her into the warmest, most comforting of hugs. Reminding Lilly that he still cared. “I love you, Lilly,” he murmured.

“You won’t be disappointed in me any longer?”

“No. I was never disappointed in you, just worried. But no matter what I will always love you.”

“And the baby, too?”

To her surprise, his hug tightened as he pressed his lips to the top of her head. “Yes, sweetheart. Yes, Lillian Rose. We will always love you…and the baby, too.”

The words were such a relief, she started crying. Not sweet, little girl tears, big sobs erupted from her chest.

“It’s okay,” he murmured, gently patting her back. “It will be okay. I promise.”

Lilly closed her eyes and sighed. Finally she felt clean. Of mind and spirit.

And though a baby all her own was growing inside of her, once again she felt part of her family. Part of the family that until very recently, she’d always taken for granted.

Margaret was sitting on Beth’s bed again, being a pest. “Why do you always come in here?” Gretta asked. “You’ve got a room of your own, you know.”

“It’s lonely in there.”

“And it’s better in here?” Gretta knew she sounded sharp, but she was so tired and anxious to be alone. After her busy day at the restaurant, she’d come home to a dozen chores. Each one had felt eternal because of her mother’s constant nagging.

“Yes.” Lowering her voice, Margaret added, “Besides, you can’t hear Mamm and Daed talk in here.”

A thin line of dread flew up her spine. She’d had no
idea Margaret was bothered by their parents’ constant arguments as well. Taking a seat beside her sister, she brushed a long strand of hair off her brow. “What do you mean?”

“My bedroom is right over the sitting room. When Mamm and Daed argue, I hear their words through the vents.” Looking pained, she whispered, “It’s hard.”

“I would imagine it is.” Shocked, Gretta turned to her. “Margaret, I didn’t realize you’ve heard them arguing.”

“How could I not?” Wrinkling her nose, she added, “I don’t think they know I can hear them through the air vents, but I don’t know if they’d stop even if they knew I could. Some days nothing seems to matter, you know?”

“I know.” Living with their parents was difficult. Some days, Gretta was tempted to count the months until she could leave their home’s frosty confines. But to her shame, she’d never considered that her sister was thinking the same thing. For some reason, Margaret’s usual happy mood had lulled Gretta into thinking that she was unaware of the constant tension between their parents. “I’m sorry I was so cross. You may come in any time you want. Are they arguing right now?” Gretta couldn’t remember if the dinner’s conversation had been especially strained.

“Oh, no. I just was feeling lonely. Thinking about when you go get married and I’ll be here all by myself.”

Dismayed, Gretta felt her cheeks heat with embarrassment. Lately, she’d been only thinking of herself and her problems. “Wherever I am, you can come visit. Always.”

“I’m grateful for that, but it won’t be the same.”

“No, I don’t imagine it will,” Gretta agreed, curving an arm around her sister. “I’m sorry that one day I’ll be leaving you. But I promise I will try and have you over as much as possible.”

As Margaret cuddled closer, she pushed aside her long brown hair, hair almost the exact shade as Gretta’s. “So, who are you going to marry? Is it Roland now?”

“No one’s asked me to marry, Margaret.”

“I bet they would if you made a choice. We all thought you were going to want Joshua. Not just Mamm and Daed and me. Everyone I knew thought you were right for each other.”

“I thought so, too.”

“But now you like Roland?”

Her answer was instantaneous. “No.” Gretta felt her pulse jump as she heard herself. “I mean, I like Roland
verra
much, but I don’t think he’s the one for me.”

Margaret scooted away and looked at her directly. “So it’s Joshua? He’s the one?”

“Maybe.”

“You ought to know by now.”

“Maybe I should…or maybe not. Courting and love are hard things, I’m finding. It’s not like putting two seams together on a dress and stitching it up neatly. Sometimes the stitches don’t come easy. They knot and get tangled.”

Seizing on the metaphor, Margaret smiled with understanding. “Or the pieces don’t match up. That’s happened to me a time or two.”

“Yes,” Gretta said, glad her sister understood. “Exactly.”

“How are your seams looking now?”

Gretta chuckled. “Like they match pretty good. But, I’m needing pins to hold them in place before they get stitched up.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Wait, I suppose.”

“Mamm wants you to make a choice, soon.”

“Mamm always wants something, and always the quicker the better. Well, this time, she’s going to have to be patient. This is something our mother can’t force, no matter how much she pushes or complains. I’m not on her time, I’m on my own.”

“And Joshua’s.”

With a smile, Gretta nodded. “Yes. It depends on Joshua, too. That means I’m going to need to wait a bit. Until he is ready and until I am ready, too.”

Margaret sighed. “Oh, Gretta, you’re thinking too much! At this rate, I’ll be married before you.”

“Sometimes, sister, I fear that you are right.” As she hugged Margaret tight, Gretta didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry.

A moment’s peace cradled them both, then like the rumbling of thunder, they both heard their parents’ loud voices echoing through the halls.

Margaret frowned. “I wonder why they’re upset tonight?”

“Sometimes I doubt if even they know,” Gretta said before thinking.

When Margaret looked at her in alarm, Gretta almost
took back her words, but then, just as suddenly, she decided against doing that. There was no sense pretending that their parents could get along…or that their inability to do so didn’t upset her.

Once, Gretta had tried to make their home as peaceful as possible. She’d mistakenly imagined that she could control their anger toward each other. After a little while, she’d begun to realize that there was nothing she could do to make things change. Their parents seemed determined to constantly be at odds.

Then, the front door slammed. Margaret rushed to the window and looked out. “It’s Daed,” she whispered. “Daed has on his coat and boots and is walking to the barn! Gretta, do you think he’s leaving us?”

“I don’t know,” she replied. She was afraid to lie. Afraid to give false hopes or reassurances.