Winter’s Awakening (13 page)

He hoped no one would notice.

Of course, Judith did. She’d just come to stand beside him, and made no secret of the fact that she was very
curious about Gretta’s decision—and about her brother’s almost nonchalant manner about it. “Want me to talk to her tomorrow? I could see what she’s thinking.”

“There’s no need.”

“You sure? You look a bit bothered. And her behavior is curious, for sure,” Judith added.

Caleb wandered up to the buggy and added his two cents. “I don’t know what she’s doing with Roland.”

“I do,” Joshua replied. “And I don’t think her behavior is all that curious, either. I know what she’s thinking—she’s thinking that maybe there’s nothing wrong with a boy being nice to her.”

“Weren’t you nice?”

Recalling his behavior with her, Joshua shook his head. “Sometimes. Others, not so much.”

Caleb frowned. “Don’t you still like Gretta?”

“Things have changed between us.” Shaking his head, Joshua amended his words. “But I still care for her.” But he wasn’t sure if that was enough any longer.

Judith looked at him in sympathy. “I saw you speaking with the bishop,” she prodded. “What did you talk about?”

“About what you’d expect. I told him that I was ready to be baptized.”

“I’m so glad.”

“
Jah
, me, too.”

“Why did it take you so long anyway?” Judith asked. “You could have gotten baptized as soon as you were done with your
rumspringa
.”

“I don’t know. Part of me was just being lazy, I sup
pose. I was afraid to commit to being an adult. To my responsibilities. But those days are over.”

“I’m glad about that. Sometimes I worried that you were going to leave us.”

“I never even considered not joining the church. I just had cold feet. And, being the oldest, I felt like Mamm and Daed were rushing me, and I was in no hurry to be rushed.”

Looking down the empty road where Roland’s buggy went, Judith tilted her head. “Why do you think Gretta is acting the way she is?”

“I’m not sure.” However, even as he spoke the words, Joshua felt his cheeks heat. He knew all their problems had started when he’d argued with her that afternoon in his buggy. He had a feeling that now Gretta was attempting to find happiness with someone else.

But he was uncomfortable admitting that.

For a moment, Joshua considered trying to keep his conversation private but he knew it was no use. From the glint in his brother’s eyes, Joshua realized Caleb knew that Gretta had been spending time with Roland…and not with Josh.

“I think Roland’s the one pursuing her,” Judith added with a frown. “You know how he’s always fancied Gretta.”

This was news to him. “I didn’t realize that.”

“You never noticed Roland always following her around during the singings?”

“No.”

Caleb exchanged a knowing look with Judith. “Well, he did. He followed her around last summer, too, when
everyone was getting together to play volleyball on Friday nights.”

Trying to keep everything in perspective, Joshua said, “They went for a buggy ride. That’s all. Don’t make more of it than it is.”

“That’s all for now,” Caleb warned. “But we all know how Roland is. He’s a fellow who goes after what he wants. And he wants Gretta to be his wife.”

“She may not want that, though.” Tired of worrying, and tired of having his brother and sister so involved in his business, Joshua opened the buggy’s door. “Let’s get in and head on home. Mamm and Daed are going to wonder what kept us.”

Caleb and Judith got in obediently enough, but there was enough tension inside to make Joshua realize that each one of them was still thinking about Gretta and Roland.

“I wonder if we’ll pass them?” Caleb said.

Oh, he hoped not. Joshua didn’t mind having competition. But he sure minded being reminded of all that he’d lost.

And hadn’t been able to reclaim.

Roland had little to talk about besides the state of the weather. Gretta tried not to let that bother her too much. Instead, as his pretty gray mare pranced along the snow-covered winding roads and the brisk wind kissed her cheeks, she attempted to look at Roland’s ways in the best possible light.

After all, it wasn’t his fault that his thoughts were so wearisome to her.

When he pointed out the bank of gray clouds forming on the horizon, Gretta tried to listen carefully to the differences between stratus and cumulus clouds and what that meant to the productivity of agriculture in Ohio. But no matter how hard she tried, she didn’t quite understand his meaning.

When he told her how he’d read the
Farmer’s Almanac
and had memorized the last eight years’ records on
snowfall for January, Gretta replied that she was impressed with how much he could learn.

Only when Roland pointed to a flower bed on the side of the road and pondered over what color the blooms might be, did she genuinely smile. Blooming flowers she could relate to, especially since they would signal the coming of spring.

Oh, she so needed spring!

Over the last few weeks, her world had felt frozen in time. Joshua’s departure left her feeling bitter cold inside. So cold, she knew she needed to set her mind on new joys instead of focusing on old heartaches.

Firmly she intended to include her social life in that realm, too. Roland was a nice man. He cared about her, and enjoyed her company. She needed to appreciate that. Needed to count her blessings that such a wonderful-
gut
man cared so much to make her happy.

Feeling like she needed to move the conversation on, she said, “Spring is always a time for new beginnings. But January has its beauty, too. Each season has something to appreciate.”

“That is a good point you have, Gretta,” Roland said. “There is a good to be found in most all things.” Nodding a bit, he looked at her with fresh awareness in his eyes. “Because you said that, why, I’m going to try to value this time of year as much as I can. Yes, I’ll really do my best to look on the bright side. You know what they say, don’tcha? ‘If you can’t see the bright side, why ya just need to polish the dull one.’”

In spite of herself, she chuckled. “That’s a good sayin’.”

“It’s good, but it’s only something I heard before,” he said modestly. “You are the one who’s making me think of new ideas. Yes, you, Gretta, are mighty wise.”

She felt terribly self-conscious, and more than a bit ashamed. After all, she was still comparing Roland to Joshua, and that wasn’t a kind thing to do at all. “I’m not so wise, Roland.”

“I think you are, and I’m going to remember every bit of our time together, too. You’ve given me much to think about. Why, just last night I was wishing the skies wouldn’t get so dark so early, but now I’m going to think on it different.” He slapped his palm on his thigh. “Why, the extra hours of darkness gives me more time to appreciate what I have.”

Because she felt responsible, she played along. “And it gives me another hour of rest at night, for which I am most grateful.”

“The snow gives me an excuse to go walking and look for hares.” Somewhat shyly he added, “Sometimes I don’t go hunting neither. Sometimes I just look for rabbits because I think they’re one of the Lord’s kindest creatures.”

In spite of herself, Gretta felt her heart melt. Roland really was trying so hard to please. He’d known that she had a soft spot for rabbits and didn’t want to upset her.

Now, when was the last time Joshua had been so considerate of her feelings? She couldn’t remember.

“I like rabbits as well. One time I saw a mother rabbit in spring with two babies. They were sweet.”

“Once I held a bunny in my palm.”

Hesitantly she added, “And I like to read a fair bit, as well. I enjoy sitting next to our front window and watching the sun come up with a hot cup of coffee.”

“Watching the sun rise is surely a wondrous gift.” As they plodded along in his buggy, the cold banks of snow passing with each yard, Roland ventured, “I also enjoy prayer in the morning, too.”

That’s how Roland was, Gretta decided. Careful and contemplative. Full of hope and sunshine. He was a kind man, and a man who was always considerate of others. He would be easy to be married to. A wonderful partner for life.

She could already see that he would be the type of husband to plan his day around her morning cup of coffee with a book, just so that she would be happy. “I enjoy prayer, too.”

“Sur gut, jah?”

“Yes.”

“Gretta, if we turn right we’ll be at your home in no time. Is that what you wish?”

Oh, he was so aware of her needs. So eager to make her happy. Recalling the last time they’d gone skating, when Joshua had acted like their time together was as bad as visiting the dentist for a hurt tooth, Gretta smiled at Roland. “I would like to ride with you a bit more, if you don’t mind.”

“It would make me happy, Gretta. But the air is crisp, I fear you might get chilled. Do you think you will be warm enough?”

Things were chilly in his courting buggy, but they
were covered in quilts and her heart was warm. Roland had made it so. His manner was so pleasant, his companionship so easy, he made her feel toasty and happy. “I’m warm enough, Roland.” Smiling his way she added, “Certainly not so cold that I’d be in a hurry to leave. I’d like to stay with you a little bit longer, if you want to know the truth.”

Motioning his horse ahead, Roland smiled. “Then we’ll continue a little longer, yes?”

“That would be fine. I mean, that would be mighty nice, indeed.”

“Anson told me that the Amish don’t work on Sundays,” Ty Allen announced the very moment they’d walked in the house on Sunday afternoon. They’d spent the morning at a nearby Congregational church and then went out for pasta and pizza for lunch.

Lilly groaned as she brought in their container of leftovers. She knew where her little brother was going with this announcement.

Ty stuck out his tongue at Lilly before turning angelic back at their mother. “It’s true.”

“My goodness. I didn’t know the Amish didn’t do work on Sundays. That’s interesting,” their mom commented as she put her purse down on the kitchen counter.

“I thought so, too. Anson said none of them work on Sundays, not even his dad. They don’t clean or anything,” he added.

Though he got on her nerves, Lilly had to smile at her little brother’s sense of timing. He obviously had a lot
to learn about being subtle. His announcement came just moments after their mom had told Ty that he had to clean his room and finish up his book report before he could play.

“Well, they do have to take care of the animals,” she said. “And those probably count as chores.”

Ty screwed up his face, then made another pronouncement. “Yeah, but that’s it. So…I don’t want to work on Sundays either.”

“Well, the Bible does say we all need a day of rest. You might have a point there.” With a wink in Lilly’s direction, their mother asked Ty a question. “If you don’t plan to do any work today, what do you plan to do?”

“Play with my trucks in the basement.”

“Ah. But what about your homework? It’s due tomorrow, isn’t it?”

“That counts as work, so I don’t think I should have to do it.” Looking serious, Ty added, “Mommy, you might need to write my teacher about that.”

“What about making your bed and putting away your laundry?”

“That’s a lot of work, Mom.” Tilting his chin a bit, Ty added, “I like having Sundays off.”

“But that’s not really our way, you know. We do catch up chores and homework on Sunday afternoons.”

Chewing on his bottom lip, Ty made another pronouncement. “Then I might want to become Amish real soon.”

After motioning to her mother that she would answer
this one, Lilly murmured, “Wow. I think that’s really commendable.”

His eyes widened. “You do?”

“Yep. I can’t wait to see you give up all those toys in your room. And your television shows, too.”

“Wait a minute—”

“No television or Hot Wheels, Ty.” Tapping her foot, she tried to look like she was thinking hard. “Hmm…I wonder where we could donate all your things?”

“Do you think even people who become Amish have to give up that stuff?”

“I do. Joshua said he knows a lady who was once English and she had to give up all her things.”

He paused. “I guess I don’t need to watch television anymore.”

“Then we’ll have to get you a horse.”

“That would be great! I like Jim.”

“Jim’s a good horse, that’s true. Now, since the rest of us aren’t Amish, you’re going to have to promise to take good care of him.”

“I will. I feed Jim carrots all the time.”

“He’ll need more than carrots. You’ll have to feed him oats and hay in the morning and walk him and clean his stall.”

“Anson doesn’t do all that,” Ty blurted, obviously taken aback.

“I think he does more than you realize. Sometimes he even works at five and six in the morning. Every morning. Even on Saturdays.”

“But I can’t do all those chores. I have basketball practice at the school.”

“You won’t if you’re Amish.”

“I think I’m only going to be Amish on Sundays.”

Crossing her arms over her chest, their mother glared. “Sorry, but that is not an option. Since you’re not Amish yet, go do your homework.”

Lip out, Ty did as he was asked and left the room. Once they were alone, Lilly grinned at her mom. “I had forgotten how hard it used to be to win a battle of words with you.”

“Used to be? You mean you don’t think I can beat you anymore?”

Looking at her mother, all five-feet-four inches of her, Lilly felt a warmth cascade through her. Barb Allen was a good woman, and had worked hard all her life to be a good mother. Funny how she was just now recognizing those things. “Some days, I definitely think you can get the best of me.”

“But on others?”

“Others, I think I could give you a run for your money.”

For a long moment, her mom looked like she was going to find fault with that, then her face, too, melted into a wide smile. “I think you’re exactly right. On some days, I think you’ve definitely given me a run for my money.” Walking across the kitchen, she sat on a chair across from Lilly. “So, how are you feeling? I know you were a bit morning sick yesterday.”

“Oh, I felt queasy. I was so tired, too.”

“But today, you’re feeling a little better?”

Lilly rocked her hand back and forth. “So-so.” Of course, today it wasn’t her physical ailments that were bothering her as much as the mental strain she was feeling.

“Things will get better. Before you know it, the tiredness will pass and you’ll feel like yourself once again.”

“I know.”

“And when Ms. Vonn stops by again, we’ll definitely know how to plan for the next steps.”

Shame flew through her. She needed to tell her parents what she did. How Kelly Vonn wasn’t going to stop by anytime soon because she’d canceled all the adoption plans.

But Lilly knew what would happen if she did tell her mom. Things would morph into a huge discussion and tears would follow. Lilly would end up feeling like she was the worst person in the world—and bitterly angry that her parents couldn’t recognize her maturity.

Yes, it was on the tip of her tongue to tell her mother that she’d made her decision. In fact, she’d already practiced how she’d explain things. She’d slowly talk about how she really didn’t want to give her baby away to anyone. That she wanted to be the baby’s mother, for better or worse. It was what felt right in her heart. Even though she knew there were a lot of good people out there who would be good parents, they wouldn’t be her.

None of them would be the baby’s birth mother.

Only she could be that.

But even though Lilly knew she needed to share all that information, she didn’t.

Because right this minute, things were good. For once, things were nice between her and her mom. All of the tension that had permeated every conversation had lifted, leaving just the two of them sitting together, remembering how things used to be.

Remembering how much they still enjoyed each other’s company. It had been so absent, and she wasn’t in any hurry to call the tension back.

And, well, she did have months of being pregnant to get through. Weeks and weeks to let them know about her decision. Weeks and months to deal with the aftermath of that.

So for now, she knew it was time to do something else besides stew. “I think I’m going to look for a job tomorrow.”

“Really? Are you sure you’re up for that?”

“I think so. I feel fine, and I can’t sit around here any longer. All I do is worry about the future.”

“You have more to do than that, silly. You’ve got all your schoolwork! We have to make sure you get all A’s so you can get into college.”

“I’ll get it done. I need to be around other people, Mom. And, you know how I like to be busy, how I need to be busy. Last year I played volleyball, worked at the pancake house, and still did a lot of things with Alec and my girlfriends.”

Looking her over, her mother slowly nodded. “You’re right. I’d forgotten how busy you used to be. It seemed like every time I turned around, you were on your way to
another event.” A smile flashed. “I guess I’ve gotten used to you being here. Do you have any place in mind?”

“I saw that there was a Help Wanted sign outside the Sugarcreek Inn. I thought I’d go in and check it out.”

“Just promise me that you’ll listen to your body if you get too tired. You’ve now got someone else to think about, you know.”

“I know.” Though her mother probably hadn’t meant anything by the reference to the baby, Lilly felt so happy that she’d even mentioned it. Maybe when her mom found out the truth, she wouldn’t act like it was the biggest mistake of her life. “I’ll be careful,” she promised.

On Monday morning, when Lilly was driving into town to fill out an application, she wondered if perhaps things were about to change. Maybe they’d get better. Maybe she’d even meet someone at the restaurant, make a friend.

She was so tired of feeling all alone.