The Mousetrap and Other Plays (53 page)

CHRISTOPHER
. No, I'm an architect. My parents, you know, baptized me Christopher, in the hope that I would be an architect. Christopher Wren! (
He laughs.
) As good as halfway home. Actually, of course, everyone laughs about it and makes jokes about St. Paul's. However—who knows?—I may yet have the last laugh.

(
GILES
enters from the archway up Left and crosses to the arch up Right.
)

Chris Wren's Prefab Nests may yet go down in history! (
To
GILES
) I'm going to like it here. I find your wife
most
sympathetic.

GILES
. (
Coldly
) Indeed.

CHRISTOPHER
. (
Turning to look at
MOLLIE
) And really very beautiful.

MOLLIE
. Oh, don't be absurd.

(
GILES
leans on the back of the large armchair.
)

CHRISTOPHER
. There, isn't that like an Englishwoman? Compliments always embarrass them. European women take compliments as a matter of course, but Englishwomen have all the feminine spirit crushed out of them by their husbands. (
He turns and looks at
GILES
.) There's something very boorish about English husbands.

MOLLIE
. (
Hastily
) Come up and see your room. (
She crosses to the arch up Left.
)

CHRISTOPHER
. Shall I?

MOLLIE
. (
To
GILES
) Could you stoke up the hot-water boiler?

(
MOLLIE
and
CHRISTOPHER
exit up the stairs Left.
GILES
scowls and crosses to Centre. The door bell peals. There is a pause, then it peals several times impatiently.
GILES
exits hurriedly up Right to the front door. The sound of wind and snow is heard for a moment or two.
)

MRS
.
BOYLE
. (
Off
) This is Monkswell Manor, I presume?

GILES
. (
Off
) Yes . . .

(
MRS
.
BOYLE
enters through the archway up Right, carrying a suitcase, some magazines and her gloves. She is a large, imposing woman in a very bad temper.
)

MRS
.
BOYLE
. I am Mrs. Boyle. (
She puts down the suitcase.
)

GILES
. I'm Giles Ralston. Come in to the fire, Mrs. Boyle, and get warm.

(
MRS
.
BOYLE
moves down to the fire.
)

Awful weather, isn't it? Is this your only luggage?

MRS
.
BOYLE
. A Major—Metcalf, is it?—is seeing to it.

GILES
. I'll leave the door for him.

(
GILES
goes out to the front door.
)

MRS
.
BOYLE
. The taxi wouldn't risk coming up the drive.

(
GILES
returns and comes down to Left of
MRS. BOYLE
.)

It stopped at the gate. We had to share a taxi from the station—and there was great difficulty in getting
that.
(
Accusingly
) Nothing ordered to meet us, it seems.

GILES
. I'm so sorry. We didn't know what train you would be coming by, you see, otherwise, of course, we'd have seen that someone was—er—standing by.

MRS
.
BOYLE
. All trains should have been met.

GILES
. Let me take your coat.

(
MRS
.
BOYLE
hands
GILES
her gloves and magazines. She stands by the fire warming her hands.
)

My wife will be here in a moment. I'll just go along and give Metcalf a hand with the bags.

(
GILES
exits up Right to the front door.
)

MRS
.
BOYLE
. (
Moving up to the arch as
GILES
goes) The drive might at least have been cleared of snow. (
After his exit
) Most offhand and casual, I must say. (
She moves down to the fire and looks round her disapprovingly.
)

(
MOLLIE
hurries in from the stairs Left, a little breathless.
)

MOLLIE
. I'm so sorry I . . .

MRS
.
BOYLE
. Mrs. Ralston?

MOLLIE
. Yes. I . . . (
She crosses to
MRS. BOYLE
,
half puts out her hand, then draws it back, uncertain of what guest house proprietors are supposed to do.
)

(
MRS
.
BOYLE
surveys
MOLLIE
with displeasure.
)

MRS
.
BOYLE
. You're very young.

MOLLIE
. Young?

MRS
.
BOYLE
. To be running an establishment of this kind. You can't have had much experience.

MOLLIE
. (
Backing away
) There has to be a beginning for everything, hasn't there?

MRS
.
BOYLE
. I see. Quite inexperienced. (
She looks round.
) An old, old house. I hope you haven't got dry rot. (
She sniffs suspiciously.
)

MOLLIE
. (
Indignantly
) Certainly not!

MRS
.
BOYLE
. A lot of people don't know they have got dry rot until it's too late to do anything about it.

MOLLIE
. The house is in perfect condition.

MRS
.
BOYLE
. H'm—it could do with a coat of paint. You know, you've got worm in this oak.

GILES
. (
Off
) This way, Major.

(
GILES
and
MAJOR METCALF
enter up Right.
MAJOR METCALF
is a middle-aged, square-shouldered man, very military in manner and bearing.
GILES
moves up Centre.
MAJOR METCALF
puts down a suitcase he is carrying and moves above the armchair Centre;
MOLLIE
moves up to meet him.
)

This is my wife.

MAJOR METCALF
. (
Shaking hands with
MOLLIE
) How d'you do? Absolute blizzard outside. Thought at one time we shouldn't make it. (
He sees
MRS. BOYLE
.) Oh, I beg your pardon. (
He removes his hat.
)

(
MRS
.
BOYLE
exits down Right.
)

If it goes on like this I should say you'll have five or six feet of snow by morning. (
He crosses to the fire.
) Not seen anything like it since I was on leave in nineteen-forty.

GILES
. I'll take these up. (
Picking up the cases. To
MOLLIE
) which rooms did you say? Blue Room and the Rose Room.

MOLLIE
. No—I put Mr. Wren in the Rose Room. He liked the fourposter so much. So it's Mrs. Boyle in the Oak Room and Major Metcalf in the Blue Room.

GILES
. (
Authoritatively
) Major? (
He moves Left towards the stairs
)

MAJOR METCALF
. (
Instinctively the soldier
) Sir!

(
MAJOR METCALF
follows
GILES
and they exit up the stairs Left.
MRS. BOYLE
enters down Right and moves up to the fireplace
)

MRS
.
BOYLE
. Do you have much servant difficulty here?

MOLLIE
. We have quite a good local woman who comes in from the village.

MRS
.
BOYLE
. And what indoor staff?

MOLLIE
. No indoor staff. Just us. (
She moves down to Left of the armchair Centre.
)

MRS
.
BOYLE
. In-deed. I understood this was a guest house in full running order.

MOLLIE
. We're only just starting.

MRS
.
BOYLE
. I would have said that a proper staff of servants was essential before opening this kind of establishment. I consider your advertisement was most misleading. May I ask if I am the only guest—with Major Metcalf, that is?

MOLLIE
. Oh no, there are several here.

MRS
.
BOYLE
. This weather, too. A blizzard (
She turns to the fire
)—no less—all very unfortunate.

MOLLIE
. But we couldn't very well foresee the weather!

(
CHRISTOPHER WREN
enters quietly from the stairs Left and comes up behind
MOLLIE
.)

CHRISTOPHER
. (
Singing
)

“The North Wind doth blow

And it will bring snow

And what will the robin do then, poor thing?”

I adore nursery rhymes, don't you? Always so tragic and
macabre.
That's why children like them.

MOLLIE
. May I introduce. Mr. Wren—Mrs. Boyle.

(
CHRISTOPHER
bows.
)

MRS
.
BOYLE
. (
Coldly
) How d'you do?

CHRISTOPHER
. This is a
very
beautiful house. Don't you think so?

MRS
.
BOYLE
. I have come to the time of life when the amenities of an establishment are more important than its appearance.

(
CHRISTOPHER
backs away up Right.
GILES
enters from the stairs Left and stands below the arch.
)

If I had not believed this was a running concern I should never have come here. I understand it was
fully
equipped with every home comfort.

GILES
. There is no obligation for you to remain here if you are not satisfied, Mrs. Boyle.

MRS
.
BOYLE
. (
Crossing to Right of the sofa
) No, indeed, I should not think of doing so.

GILES
. If there has been any misapprehension it would perhaps be better if you went elsewhere. I could ring up for the taxi to return. The roads are not yet blocked.

(
CHRISTOPHER
moves down and sits in the armchair Centre.
)

We have had so many applications for rooms that we shall be able to fill your place quite easily. In any case we are raising our terms next month.

MRS
.
BOYLE
. I am certainly not going to leave before I have tried what the place is like. You needn't think you can turn me out now.

(
GILES
moves down Left.
)

Perhaps you will take me up to my bedroom, Mrs. Ralston? (
She moves majestically towards the staircase Left.
)

MOLLIE
. Certainly, Mrs. Boyle. (
She follows
MRS. BOYLE
.
To
GILES
, softly, as she passes him
) Darling, you were wonderful . . .

(
MRS. BOYLE
and
MOLLIE
exit Left up the stairs.
)

CHRISTOPHER
. (
Rising, childishly
) I think that's a perfectly horrible woman. I don't like her at all. I'd love to see you turn her out into the snow. Serve her right.

GILES
. It's a pleasure I've got to forgo, I'm afraid.

(
The door bell peals.
)

Lord, there's another of them.

(
GILES
goes out to the front door.
)

(
Off
) Come in—come in.

(
CHRISTOPHER
moves to the sofa and sits.
MISS CASEWELL
enters up Right. She is a young woman of a manly type, and carries a case. She has a long dark coat, a light scarf and no hat.
GILES
enters.
)

MISS CASEWELL
. (
In a deep, manly voice
) Afraid my car's bogged about half a mile down the road—ran into a drift.

GILES
. Let me take this. (
He takes her case and puts it Right of the refectory table.
) Any more stuff in the car?

MISS CASEWELL
. (
Moving down to the fire
) No, I travel light.

(
GILES
moves above the armchair Centre.
)

Ha, glad to see you've got a good fire. (
She straddles in front of it in a manly fashion.
)

GILES
. Er—Mr. Wren—Miss—?

MISS CASEWELL
. Casewell. (
She nods to
CHRISTOPHER
.)

GILES
. My wife will be down in a minute.

MISS CASEWELL
. No hurry. (
She takes off her overcoat.
) Got to get myself thawed out. Looks as though you're going to be snowed up here. (
Taking an evening paper from her overcoat pocket
) Weather forecast says heavy falls expected. Motorists warned, etcetera. Hope you've got plenty of provisions in.