The Mousetrap and Other Plays (48 page)

SERGEANT
. (
Unable to contain himself
) A
nègre en chemise

LADY
ANGKATELL
. Yes, chocolate, eggs and cream. John Cristow loved a really rich sweet.

INSPECTOR
. (
Moving to Left of the sofa
) Did you load the pistol?

LADY
ANGKATELL
. (
Thoughtfully
) Ah, did I? Really, it's too ridiculous that I can't remember. But I should think I must have, don't you, Inspector?

INSPECTOR
. I think I'll have a few more words with Gudgeon. (
He turns and crosses to the door Left.
) When you remember a little more, perhaps you'll let me know, Lady Angkatell?

(
The
SERGEANT
crosses to the door Left.
)

LADY
ANGKATELL
. Of course. Things come back to one quite suddenly sometimes, don't they?

INSPECTOR
. Yes.

(
He exits Left. The
SERGEANT
follows him off. The clock strikes eleven.
)

SIR
HENRY
. (
Crossing to Left of the sofa
) Why did you take the pistol, Lucy?

LADY
ANGKATELL
. I'm really not quite sure, Henry—I suppose I had some vague idea about an accident.

SIR
HENRY
. Accident?

LADY
ANGKATELL
. Yes, all those roots of tree sticking up—so easy to trip over one. I've always thought that an accident would be the simplest way to do a thing of that kind. One would be dreadfully sorry, of course, and blame oneself . . . (
Her voice trails off.
)

SIR
HENRY
. Who was to have had the accident?

LADY
ANGKATELL
. John Cristow, of course.

SIR
HENRY
. (
Sitting Left of her on the sofa
) Good God, Lucy!

(
LADY
ANGKATELL
's manner suddenly changes. All the vagueness goes and she is almost fanatical.
)

LADY
ANGKATELL
. Oh, Henry, I've been so dreadfully worried. About Ainswick.

SIR
HENRY
. I see. So it was Ainswick. You've always cared too much about Ainswick, Lucy.

LADY
ANGKATELL
. You and Edward are the last of the Angkatells. Unless Edward marries, the whole thing will die out—and he's so obstinate—that long head of his, just like my father. I felt that if only John were out of the way, Henrietta would marry Edward—she's really quite fond of him—and when a person's dead, you do forget. So, it all came to that—get rid of John Cristow.

SIR
HENRY
. (
Aghast
) Lucy! It was you . . .

LADY
ANGKATELL
. (
Her elusive self again
) Darling, darling, you don't imagine for a moment that
I
shot John? (
She laughs, rises, crosses to the fireplace and picks up the box of chocolates from the mantelpiece.
) I did have that silly idea about an accident. But then I remembered that he was our guest. (
She eases Centre.
) One doesn't ask someone to be a guest and then get behind a bush and have a pop at them. (
She moves above the sofa and leans over the back of it.
) So you musn't worry, Henry, any more.

SIR
HENRY
. (
Hoarsely
) I always worry about you, Lucy.

LADY
ANGKATELL
. (
Taking a chocolate from the box
) There's no need to, dear. (
She holds up the chocolate.
) Look what's coming. Open.

(
SIR
HENRY
opens his mouth.
)

(
She pops the chocolate into
SIR
HENRY
's mouth.
) There! John has been got rid of without our having to do anything about it. It reminds me of that man in Bombay who was so rude to me at a dinner party. (
She crosses to the window Right.
) Do you remember? Three days later he was run over by a tram.

(
She exits Right. The telephone rings.
SIR
HENRY
rises, moves to the telephone and lifts the receiver.
)

OPERATOR
. Your Regent call, sir.

SIR
HENRY
. (
Into the telephone
) Hullo—yes—Regent call?

(
MIDGE
enters Left.
)

MIDGE
. For me?

SIR
HENRY
. Yes.

(
MIDGE
crosses to the telephone and takes the receiver from
SIR
HENRY
,
who exits Right.
)

MIDGE
. (
Into the telephone Right
) Hullo. Is that Madame?

VOICE
. No, it's Vera.

MIDGE
. Can I speak to Madame herself?

VOICE
. Hold on, will you.

(
There is a short pause, then another
VOICE
is heard through the telephone.
)

VOICE
. 'Ullo. This is Madame Henri speaking.

MIDGE
. It's Miss Harvey.

VOICE
. Why are you not 'ere? You are coming back this afternoon, yes?

MIDGE
. No, no, I'm afraid I can't come back this afternoon.

(
EDWARD
enters up centre from Left and moves to Left Centre.
)

VOICE
. Oh, always these excuses.

MIDGE
. No, no, it's not an excuse.

(
EDWARD
asks by a gesture whether she minds him staying.
)

(
She puts her hand over the mouthpiece. To
EDWARD
) No—no, don't go. It's only my shop.

VOICE
. What is it then?

MIDGE
. (
Into the telephone
) There's been an accident.

(
EDWARD
picks up a magazine from the coffee table, then sits on the sofa at the Left end of it.
)

VOICE
. An accident? Don't tell me these lies. Don't make these excuses.

MIDGE
. No, I'm not telling you lies or making excuses. I can't come back today. I'm not allowed to leave. It's the police.

VOICE
. The police?

MIDGE
. Yes, the police.

VOICE
. What 'ave you done?

MIDGE
. It's not my fault. One can't help these things.

VOICE
. Where are you?

MIDGE
. I'm at Dowfield.

VOICE
. Where there is a murder?

MIDGE
. Yes, you read about it in the paper?

VOICE
. Of course. This is most inconvenient. What do you think my customers will say when they know you are mixed up in a murder?

MIDGE
. It's hardly my fault.

VOICE
. It's all most upsetting.

MIDGE
. Murder is.

VOICE
. It's very exciting for you. Very nice for you to be in the limelight.

MIDGE
. I think you are being rather unjust.

VOICE
. If you do not return today, you will not 'ave any job. There are plenty of girls who would be 'appy to 'ave it.

MIDGE
. Please don't say such things. I'm very sorry.

VOICE
. You will return tomorrow or don't dare to show your face again.

(
MIDGE
replaces the receiver. She is near to tears.
)

EDWARD
. Who was that?

MIDGE
. My employer.

EDWARD
. You should have told her to go to hell.

MIDGE
. And get myself fired?

EDWARD
. I can't bear to hear you so—subservient.

MIDGE
. You don't understand what you're talking about. (
She moves above the sofa.
) To show an independent spirit one needs an independent income.

EDWARD
. My God, Midge, there are other jobs—interesting jobs.

MIDGE
. Yes—you read advertisements asking for them every day in
The Times.

EDWARD
. Yes.

MIDGE
. (
Moving up Centre
) Sometimes, Edward, you make me lose my temper. What do you know about jobs? Getting them and keeping them? This job, as it happens, is fairly well-paid, with reasonable hours.

EDWARD
. Oh, money!

MIDGE
. (
Moving to Left of the sofa
) Yes, money. That's what I use to live on. I've got to have a job that
keeps
me, do you understand.

EDWARD
. Henry and Lucy would . . .

MIDGE
. We've been into that before. Of course they would. (
She crosses to the fireplace.
) It's no good, Edward. You're an Angkatell and Henry and Lucy are Angkatells, but I'm only half an Angkatell. My father was a plain little businessman—honest and hardworking and probably not very clever. It's from him I get the feeling I don't like to accept favours. When his business failed, his creditors got paid twenty shillings in the pound. I'm like him. I mind about money and about debts. Don't you see, Edward, it's all right for you and Lucy. Lucy would have any of her friends to stay indefinitely and never think about it twice—and she could go and live on her friends if necessary. There would be no feeling of obligation. But I'm different.

EDWARD
. (
Rising
) You dear ridiculous child. (
He puts the magazine on the coffee table.
)

MIDGE
. I may be ridiculous but
I am not a child.

EDWARD
. (
Crossing to the fireplace and standing above
MIDGE
) But it's all wrong that you should have to put up with rudeness and insolence. My God, Midge, I'd like to take you out of it all—carry you off to Ainswick.

MIDGE
. (
Furiously and half crying
) Why do you say these stupid things? You don't mean them. (
She sits on the pouffe.
) Do you think it makes life any easier when I'm being bullied and shouted at to remember that there are places like Ainswick in the world? Do you think I'm grateful to you for standing there and babbling about how much you'd like to take me out of it all? It sounds so charming and means absolutely nothing.

EDWARD
. Midge!

MIDGE
. Don't you know I'd sell my soul to be at Ainswick now, this minute? I love Ainswick so much I can hardly bear to think of it. You're cruel, Edward, saying nice things you don't mean.

EDWARD
. But I do mean them. (
He eases Centre, turns and faces
MIDGE
.) Come on, Midge. We'll drive to Ainswick now in my car.

MIDGE
. Edward!

EDWARD
. (
Drawing
MIDGE
to her feet
) Come on, Midge. We're going to Ainswick. Shall we? What about it, eh?

MIDGE
. (
Laughing a little hysterically
) I've called your bluff, haven't I?

EDWARD
. It isn't bluff.

MIDGE
. (
Patting
EDWARD
's arm, then crossing to Left of the sofa
) Calm down, Edward. In any case, the police would stop us.

EDWARD
. Yes, I suppose they would.

MIDGE
. (
Sitting on the sofa at the Left end of it; gently
) All right, Edward, I'm sorry I shouted at you.

EDWARD
. (
Quietly
) You really love Ainswick, don't you?

MIDGE
. I'm resigned to not going there, but don't rub it in.

EDWARD
. I can see it wouldn't do to rush off there this moment—(
He moves to Left of the sofa
) but I'm suggesting that you come to Ainswick for good.

MIDGE
. For good?

EDWARD
. I'm suggesting that you marry me, Midge.

MIDGE
. Marry . . . ?

EDWARD
. I'm not a very romantic proposition. I'm a dull dog. I read what I expect you would think are dull books, and I write a few dull articles and potter about the estate. But we've known each other a long time—and perhaps Ainswick would make up for me. Will you come, Midge?

MIDGE
.
Marry
you? (
She rises.
)

EDWARD
. Can you bear the idea?

MIDGE
. (
Kneeling at the Left end of the sofa and leaning over the end of it towards
EDWARD
;
incoherently
) Edward, oh, Edward—you offer me heaven like—like something on a plate.

(
EDWARD
takes her hands and kisses them.
LADY
ANGKATELL
enters Right.
)

LADY
ANGKATELL
. (
As she enters
) What I feel about rhododendrons is that unless you mass them in big clumps you don't get . . .