"It just grazed me. There wasn't as much blood as there looked. I was lucky, and perhaps tougher than the others. I couldn't let her kill you, Julian. I couldn't..."
He leaned into my arms and I held him close. My rib hurt at holding his weight, but it was nothing compared to the pain in my chest that his words caused. I wrapped my arms around him and we seemed to melt into one being. I felt complete with Saidan there in my arms. It was where we both belonged. I rested my forehead against his, kissing down his face until our lips met in a gentle kiss.
The door slid open, a rude interruption, and then I remembered where we were and why we were here. Of course Saidan hadn't been delivered to my cell for a happy reunion. A guard stood over us with a look that could only be described as disgust on his face.
"Get up." When we didn't move, the guard walked forward and pulled me to my feet, tearing me from Saidan's embrace. He dragged me to the door, pulling me outside. The door slammed shut behind me. I remember being grateful that Saidan was being left alone for the immediate future, though how long our solace would last was uncertain. It could be days, hours, or even minutes before the guards came for him again.
I was jostled into a room barely bigger than the cell I had left. The room was bare, except for a large machine in the center of the room that looked like a medical scanner, though I suspected it was nothing of the sort. I was ordered to strip down. I felt as though the guards could see into my very soul as I pulled off the torn, dirty jumpsuit. I would have given a great deal for the simple comfort of a shower and a little privacy.
The butt of a stun gun poking into my bare back reminded me that there was no time for daydreaming as I was ushered to the machine, where a glass surface covered with restraints served as a bed. I climbed up onto the cold, hard pane and lied down, staring up at the blank ceiling as the restraints were fastened and tightened. Gooseflesh broke out on my arms. The operators attached sensors to my temples. My mouth was dry with anticipation of the unknown, and I was aware of a singular bead of sweat running down my forehead. I thanked whatever deities might be available that I didn't suffer too much from claustrophobia as the machine pulled the bed inside, but my mind was racing with the possibilities of the machine's intended purpose. Was it a torture device, or were the Valerians simply trying to analyze my medical state in order to evaluate how much more damage my body and mind could take? I tried to calm myself using meditation techniques, but not knowing what was going to happen to me was the worst thing I could imagine.
When it did come, it was worse than anything I could have imagined. A feeling like electricity raced through my head, a pain stinging my ears. Worse still was the sudden influx of terror that raged through my body. A scream left my mouth with no voice to carry it. I was afraid like I'd never been afraid before. It was as if my fear of death had been amplified to a whole new level that I hadn't known was possible. I felt it in every cell of my body, as if every phobia I'd ever borne was realized in that instant. I was breathing so fast that I thought I might pass out, and I clenched my fists so hard my nails dug into my palms, drawing blood, as if I could scratch the fear out of me. Tears were rolling unbidden down my cheeks, my emotional control shredded into ribbons.
I was rambling as the sensors left my head and the glass bed rolled out of the machine. The restraints were unbuckled, but I couldn't move. The operators pulled me to my feet, but I was shaking so hard that I fell to my knees. They pulled me back up with rough hands, seeming frustrated that I couldn't move, as if I was a petulant child who was refusing to follow their mother. They forced me to dress at gunpoint, but I could barely figure out how to put the garment on.
I was taken back to my cell and tossed in unceremoniously. I crawled to a corner and curled into the fetal position. The shadow of fear was so great that it overwhelmed everything, even the pain of the cuts on my hands and my broken rib, even Saidan's presence.
I heard him shuffle over, but I didn't move to greet him. With knowing hands, he rolled back my clothing and examined my cuts before moving the material back over them. I supposed I wasn't in any mortal danger.
I'd expected that he might say something, but I understood there were no words for what I'd just been through—the torture he had no doubt suffered as well. He simply curled up next to me and slipped a gentle arm around me, pulling me close to him and shielding me in his embrace. It was the one thing I needed more than anything else: to be protected by his warmth, to be cradled in his arms like my mother had once held me as a child. It hit me with a wave of sorrow that I hadn't been here to do the same for him.
Saidan hushed me as I tried to say something garbled. "Don't try to talk. Just rest. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." He looked at the door with a cold, hard stare, daring Little Sister and the guards to try and take him away. I was surprised that they didn't even try. I guess they wanted our love to grow. It only made what was to come harder to bear.
*~*~*
I was taken back to the machine once each day. My body had learned to anticipate the time and I would start shaking uncontrollably in my cell. The only reason I didn't break was because while I was being tortured, Saidan was not. They had left him alone since my arrival. Perhaps they had hoped my suffering would be the thing to grind him down.
I learned to appreciate Saidan's inner strength more and more with every day that passed. His heart must have been breaking, but he was always there to comfort me. I dreaded the day when I would return to my cell to find him gone. He was the only reason I hadn't tried to end my life. His love was like a shield around me, protecting me from the worst effects of the torture. Sooner or later, I knew that Little Sister would figure that out. Then it would just be me, alone with that unspeakable terror with nothing to keep me alive.
I was changing, though, despite Saidan's best efforts to protect me. Something inside me was slowly breaking down, and I realized that it was my ability to use reason as a defense. I was no longer able to lock my feelings away in a box and pretend to be a robot. I was reverting to the state of an animal: all emotions, all of the time. Fear, love, and anger were predominant in my mind. The anger was the most dangerous of the three. It would flare up randomly while I was being transported to the torture room, and I would lash out at the guards.
I'll never forget the one time I turned on a guard and grabbed his neck in my hands. I never knew I possessed the strength, but I twisted his head and felt his neck snapping in my hands. He slipped away lifelessly, almost in slow motion as a dozen stun guns were pointed at me. I backed down, cowed by the realization that I had just become a killer. Ten thousand years of civilized humanity had been washed away, just like that. I had become a murderer, and a part of me had reveled in the primal satisfaction of the kill.
Hating oneself is the most dangerous thing there is. Life can go on as long as you have some kind of self-esteem, as long as you are secure in the knowledge that you are still yourself, no matter what happens. I had lost that certainty. I wondered what Saidan saw when he looked at me. He knew what I had done, had probably heard the snapping of the man's neck and the alarmed yells of the guards as they'd struggled to restrain me, and yet he never spoke of it. I wondered how he could still love me when I no longer knew who I was. I was breaking down, my psyche falling away, my intelligence and sense of reason slipping away into the long night.
My desires had become animalistic as well. Gone was the tenderness of my touch when I considered Saidan. I would often pull his cock from his jumpsuit, just because I needed him, and press my arousal to his, humping him like a creature until we both came. My kisses were brutal on his neck, as if only by marking him could I know I was still alive. I used the last of my will to keep myself from pinning him down and fucking him hard, though there were nights when I lubed my cock up with my own spit and fought against waking him. I would put my head back against the cold, stone wall and cry as I jerked off, my thoughts ever more scattered and violent. But I would never hurt him. Not ever. There was nothing they could do to make me harm Saidan. I would end my own life before I ever touched him in an act of violence.
The worst part about the whole thing was that there was nothing my torturers wanted. If the whole point had been to extract some information, I would have told them everything they wanted to know. But they only wanted to break me, and that meant the torture wouldn't stop until I was nothing more than a slave, until everything that was Julian Tamaris was gone.
One night, I knew that my fight was over. With absolute certainty, I realized that I would never see Earth again, and, with that fact, knew that I couldn't go on. The more they hurt me, the more Saidan suffered as well. I had reasoned with myself that it was more rational to end my life and stop hurting him with my pain. He was asleep in the corner, his face peaceful and serene. I watched him for a few moments, memorizing the shape of his face. I barely had access to our memories any more. The beach was a broken mess of images in my head and the emotions we'd shared that day were jumbled and lost, but it didn't matter. I knew that time had been special to us both and, as I watched him, I realized he was the center of my world.
I wondered about the life we could have had together on Earth if I'd just been smart and taken him with me sooner, instead of trying to hide ourselves and our love from the system. I could barely remember Earth, but it didn't matter. I knew it was home. I knew he would have loved it. I leaned forward and planted a gentle kiss on his forehead. It was cowardly to leave this way, but it was the only way I knew. Saidan would never have let me go. He would have fought to keep me, even if I became a monster. Such unconditional love would have been a gift in any other life, but here, it was just causing us misery. He was bound to me with a loyalty that could kill him, a feeling that meant he shared all of my pain. I had to fight harder against the torture when all I'd wanted to do for a long time was just give in and break down.
I'd fashioned the rudimentary knife from a toenail I'd been filing into a point against the wall. It had been a little project of mine, something to focus my drifting concentration on. It was pretty thick: enough to do the deed. I sat up against the wall and took a deep breath, trying to focus the will to end my life. I bit my lip and tasted the blood. There would be a lot of blood. I hoped I would slip into unconsciousness quickly. I placed the nail at the edge of my wrist and looked at the veins carrying lifeblood around my body. One stroke, with a little bit of luck, would sever an artery.
I summoned every ounce of courage I had and was about to make the fatal motion when Saidan dove towards me. He pinned my wrists to the wall. The nail fell from my hand helplessly and there was a feral look in his eyes. The danger over, he let go of my wrists and grabbed me, pulling me into his embrace. There were no words; we were beyond language. The communication between us became something else. We were bound on some primal level that my ancestors might have understood.
Relief and fear filled me up and spilled over. I found my cheeks were wet with tears, and I was shaking. A piece of me resented the man I had become, this blubbering maniac who was the antithesis of everything I had been. I didn't know how Saidan managed to keep so much of himself intact. Perhaps Valerians were more resistant to torture than humans.
Little Sister must have known that I was breaking down, because the next day, the guards came for us both. We were both taken to the torture chamber. I had expected them to strap Saidan in, to take the last resistance from me and make me quiver at their feet, but it was I that was led to the glass platter. It was then that I realized with horror that I wasn't going to break. Saidan was.
"Don't! Please! Do it to me, I beg you!" Saidan screamed. "I'll do anything you want! Just don't hurt him anymore!"
The sound of his cry, of his beautiful spirit breaking audibly right before me, was worse than any torture. I slumped to my knees. I'd broken him. I realized anew that the Little Sister had put us together for that reason, that she was a genius and I was the fool for letting Saidan bear all of my pain.
The good thing about the end of despair is that once you no longer care about death, resistance is easy. I stood up and grabbed a stun gun from the nearest guard. My hands were shaking, but my aim was true as I shot the other two guards in the room.
The sad thing about killing is that it only gets easier. It wouldn't be the last time I ended a life.
Saidan stood still, shell-shocked. I put my hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. I knew the guards would be down on us in a matter of moments. Saidan seemed to come back to himself a little bit, taking the stun gun from me as I grabbed another one, along with an I.D. card from a fallen guard. I nodded to him and moved to the door, waving the card. The door opened and I darted out into the hallway first, pointing my stun gun one way, then the other. Guards were coming down the hall, but they were still at a distance. I ushered Saidan into the corridor ahead of me. We broke into a run, the guards following us. Due to our exhausted bodies, they gained ground quickly on us.
"Get down!" I heard a familiar voice as we reached the reception area, laser blasts sailing past our heads.
I couldn't identify the voice in time, but my instincts told me to trust it and so I did. I jumped Saidan, pinning him to the ground. I looked up to see One and a group of Valerians, armed to the teeth, firing back at the guards heading towards us. An alarm sounded as the last of the guards fell to the ground. I took One's hand and stood up, leaning down to help Saidan.
My voice felt rusty. "What took you so long?"
"We've been a little busy. I'm sorry." One waved to the exit. "Come on, we've got to get out of here before Little Sister locks this place down tight."