"There's nothing wrong with that. We've left you out of every process in building our new world, treated you like a stranger when you were the one who saved us from Little Sister."
"Hey, you were there, too," I said.
"It was your idea."
"The only good one I've ever had." I rested my head back on the pillow, feeling weak and nauseous. Fear rolled in my belly as I contemplated my fate. Saidan took my hand as I started to doze.
"Relax," he whispered. "I'll be here when you wake up."
*~*~*
I woke to find my hair on my pillow. There's nothing more frightening then realizing how fragile you are. When I looked down at my body, I saw bleeding underneath the skin. I think that's when I truly realized how bad my condition was. I was facing death with my eyes wide open, and it wasn't going to be easy.
The door slid open, and Saidan saw me in all my horrific glory, my hair left behind like a discarded wig. A few strands remained to tell me it had been there, just like my patchy beard. I tried to pull the sheet back over the red marks on my skin, but Saidan stayed my hand and peeled back the sheet. His eyes widened in shock and horror as he saw the blood pooling under my skin. It was worse than my own shock, and I felt the familiar tingle of fear rush up my spine. We were both intelligent men. We knew what it meant.
"Julian..." Saidan was lost for words. He ran his fingers over my bald head. "It suits you."
I grabbed his wrist. "No," I said. "It doesn't. Stop putting on a brave face, Saidan. We both know the end is near. You don't have to smile for me."
"If I don't smile, what else can I do? Curl up in a ball of despair? I'm losing the other half of myself." Saidan's words cut me to the bone. "I hate this. Despite all my knowledge, I'm completely powerless to do anything."
"It's up to fate now."
"I'm sick of fate!" Saidan's anger was palpable. "I won't just accept your death so easily! What's the point of free will and knowledge if we're completely useless when it counts?"
I smiled, despite myself. I knew there was nothing Saidan could do in our current predicament. Even those of us on Earth hadn't developed a cure for radiation poisoning with all our equipment, and the Valerians had none. But it was nice to know that even in my darkest hour, he hadn't given up on me. I entwined my fingers with his and leaned forward to kiss him. The kiss was long and gentle, as if I was glass and might shatter at the slightest touch. Perhaps I was that fragile. I seemed to be the last one to accept the fact that my death was imminent. I think it was because I just wasn't ready to go yet. As long as I lived, there was still hope that I might someday be able to return to Earth and show Saidan the wonders of my world. Once I was gone, that hope would depart forever.
The neurological symptoms came next. I slipped away from myself into incoherence, which was a relief. I was barely aware of the doctor examining me, or of Saidan's constant presence. I knew that Saidan was there, but I couldn't communicate with him. I was only vaguely aware that I was still alive.
Days, weeks, perhaps a month, passed in delirium, I don't know. Time slipped into the future without me even being aware of it. But, for some reason, I didn't die. The spark inside me refused to go out as long as Saidan was in the world. I felt his presence with me all the time, and it gave me strength to know that Saidan loved me as I fought off the angels that were trying to shoo me into the afterlife.
Somehow, the symptoms passed. I was worried when I woke up from my haze of lucid, half-aware dreaming. Many scientific journals had documented the total alleviation of symptoms right before the patient died, and I was worried this was simply my last reprieve, designed to let me say goodbye to the love of my life.
"Saidan." My first word was his name, the most beautiful sound I could muster at the time. He was there at once, grasping my hand, his empathetic amber eyes reflecting my pitiful face back at me as he considered my sudden recovery.
"Doctor!" The doctor rushed over, examining me. There wasn't a lot he could do, but he looked into my eyes under the light of the glow-stick, as if he might see something there.
"Don't get excited," I said, taking the proffered bottle of water from Saidan's hands and sipping from it. "Acute radiation sickness symptoms have been known to pass right before death."
"Oh." Saidan lowered his head, his hopes dashed. I climbed out of the pod, feeling surprisingly healthy after weeks of rolling around in a state of near-death and pulled him into my arms. The doctor quietly excused himself and left us alone in the dark with only the green light of the glow-stick to illuminate our embrace.
"Saidan." I whispered his name into his ear. "If this is my last day, what do you want to do with it?"
"Don't say that. I refuse to believe it." Saidan let go of me and walked to the door, sliding it open and stepping outside. I followed him into the hallway before realizing it was empty. The usual buzz of activity was gone.
"Where is everyone?" I asked. Had they died? Had our small colony failed while I had been clinging to life?
My panic made Saidan forget his pain and turn to face me. "They've moved back to the surface. Shortly after your illness, One went to the surface to meet with the survivors. It seems the radiation doesn't affect us like it does you. They seem perfectly healthy, and many have reproduced successfully, with no apparent mutations of their offspring."
"You must have D.N.A. repair mechanisms, or fewer chromosomes than humans. Professor Lankis would love to study you." Even in my state, I couldn't help but be excited about the fact that the Valerians presented a unique scientific opportunity for Earth. Even though I would never live to let them know.
"Everybody moved back to the surface, except me," Saidan continued. "I quit my job in Rationing. I just wanted to be near you. I don't care about their new world." There was a hint of bitterness in his voice. The glow-stick started to fade and Saidan led me to the room that had been ours, where we sat in the dark, cuddled up next to one another.
"Tell me about Earth," Saidan said. "Not just scattered bits and pieces. Tell me everything you can think of. I want to keep a record in my memory of this wondrous place I'll never see. Just knowing it's out there, that there's a world where perhaps I could have belonged."
"What happened while I was out, Saidan? There's something you're not telling me." I pulled him closer until his head was resting on my shoulder.
"Nothing happened. Not really. I just don't belong here. I belong in a lab with state-of-the-art equipment, and instead I'm trapped on the world where scientific advances consist of rubbing two sticks together to make fire. Everybody else has been able to adapt. One loves her new role. Even the doctor has learned to make it work. But not me. I can't stand it. If we still had your ship, I'd leave with you in a heartbeat."
"I'm sorry."
"No. It's not your fault. Just tell me about Earth. Please. I want to know what lies out there, beyond the confines of this world. I want to know—" his voice cracked "—what kind of life we could have had together."
So we sat in the dark, and I told him everything about Earth. I told him about the shining towers of the Foundation, and how Earth's foremost science research facility came into being. I told him about my apartment and the magazines I'd left lying about. I told him about Professor Lankis, my parents, the quintet, and everyone else I'd known back on Earth. I told him about the gardening robots, about sports, books, music. I told him about marriages and relationships, about governments and nations.
"What does your music sound like? Could you sing for me?" Saidan's eyes were shining with awe. My heart ached, knowing I could never take him back to my world to experience it all for himself.
"I'm not much of a singer. Really." I rested my head back against the wall, trying to remember my favorite songs.
"Please."
I couldn't fight the look in Saidan's eyes, no matter how bad a singer I might be. I hadn't used the English language in anything but my thoughts since arriving on Valeria, and I knew the words would seem rusty when I sang them, but what Saidan wanted, Saidan got.
"This song is by a progressive rock band called Riva Melodia. It's the story of Sarina Matthews, an astronaut famous in our history for her mission to leave the solar system. The others on her ship died from the effects of cosmic radiation after the radiation shielding failed, and she alone was left. She knew the journey would kill her, but she was determined to leave our solar system before she died to prove it could be done."
"Did she make it?" Saidan asked.
"Yes, she made it. Shortly afterwards, she died, but her sacrifice sparked a new interest in space travel. It eventually led to the Age of Discovery, where mankind met the races of a dozen different inhabited planets, including Valeria."
"I assume they had no idea they hadn't met the real Valerians?"
"Not a clue. As far as my people know, you are the real Valerians."
"Sing it for me," Saidan pulled his knees up to his body where we sat on the floor, eagerly awaiting the sound of my voice in song.
"Okay."
"I've flown too close to the sun, or perhaps too far
Looking for the light of a distant star
Looking for the voices that come from afar
Like Icarus, my wings melt from my back
I fell in my haste to rush into the black
I think of my children, May and little Jack
The light of a sunrise, the color of lilacs
I send this across a million miles
My message to you comes with a smile
I have found the door to the universe
I cannot tell if it is a blessing or a curse
But know this simple fact, my love
We cannot stop reaching for the stars above
No matter the cost, no matter the price,
Nothing less than progress will suffice.
"
My voice broke as I finished the final verse. Sarina's condition was much like my own, and I empathized with her plight more than I ever had before. Her last video transmission had been required viewing in my school days, but her story had never resonated with me as strongly as it did in that moment.
I couldn't see Saidan in the gloom, but my hands found his face and wiped away the tears that were rolling down his cheeks.
"I don't know what the words mean," he said, "but your language and your song are beautiful." He clung to me in the darkness, and I held onto him.
I spent the rest of the day telling him about Earth. We made love in the evening, the total darkness bringing a new dimension to our intimacy as we discovered the landscape of one another with only touch to guide our way. I planted kisses on every patch of flesh I could reach, knowing only that I loved every part of him. He rolled on top of me, desperate to touch and taste me as well.
I tried to fight the bittersweet ache building in my soul when my mind strayed back to the inevitable thought that this might be our last time. I kissed Saidan even more deeply, trying to block my thoughts out, but they refused to be denied.
I let him take me. I wanted him to be in control. I loved the feeling of him inside me, filling me up, completing me. I loved the sounds he made as he came, his keening pleasure intermingled with a sob, the way he collapsed into my arms, his entire body and soul spent. I wrapped my arms around him and held him in place on my chest, held his cock inside me. I never wanted him to withdraw. I wanted to be one being forever, joined and never parted.
I brushed my hands through his hair, twirled his braid around my fingers as he lay on my chest and listened to my heart beat beneath his ear. His eyes were closed and he looked like he was listening to a great wonder, like whale song or an alien transmission, as opposed to the regular sound of my heart pumping blood around my body. Perhaps it was his fear that it would stop.
I felt tired, suddenly. I didn't know if it was the exertion of lovemaking, the contented nature of my being or the illness coming back, but I focused on Saidan's peaceful face as I let myself slip away, perhaps for the last time.
I didn't die. Not that day, or the next, or the one after that. I woke up each morning realizing that there was a good chance I had survived my ordeal. Saidan was by my side constantly. I was always grateful for his presence, even if there was little to do but curl up together and make love. I told him my entire life story in those few days, and he listened raptly.
On the third day, One paid us a visit. I had been waiting for someone to check in on us. The doctor had come down once or twice, smiling as he saw I had survived and wishing me the best of luck, but as for our future plans, I knew nothing. One strode down the hallway, glow-stick in hand, with two assistants carrying supplies. She had the air of someone in charge, her Ice Queen persona fully back in place now that she had been Leader for a few months.
"It is good to see you are well, Julian," One said in greeting. She waved a hand and the assistants set down the boxes. "I've brought you some supplies. Protein bars, bottled water, and of course, glow-sticks."
"Thank you." I nodded gratefully, even though I knew what she had actually come to discuss. Saidan's talents were being wasted while he stayed beneath ground with me. I knew One had come to retrieve him, not to extend me comfort.
"Saidan, I would like you to reconsider staying down here. Julian is well and you can see him at any time. We have many tasks that we need your intellect to perform on the surface. Your people need you."
Saidan shook his head. "I'm not coming back, One. I'm sorry. I belong here."
"Even Julian must understand that to waste your intelligence is a crime. Saidan, we may not be the most advanced of planets now, but we need your help. The old times are gone. We need to build a new society."