The darkness had become tolerable for the Valerians, with their large eyes making the most of the few glow-sticks, candles, lamps, and torches allocated for civilian use, but I sat in the dark like a blind man, rarely venturing out into the corridors of the underground building. I felt forgotten, even by Saidan, who had important duties in the new government, which seemed to take up far too much of his time. I was just an alien, an outsider in the grand scheme of things.
I suppose being alone in the dark makes one contemplate acts of madness, but I had cabin fever to the extreme. Radiation didn't seem like so much of a problem compared to being trapped alone in the dark forever. The Valerians had taken no steps to venture outside, and their slow pace was frustrating me. I had told One that the worst of the gamma radiation should have passed, but she was suddenly unwilling to risk the lives of the people who had put her in power. She had become a true politician, always seeking re-election and loath to stake her reputation on the opinions of an alien like myself.
I stood up that afternoon, determined to find out the answers for myself after months of despair and boredom. I'd been working on the math for weeks, figuring out how long I could stay outside to determine safe exposure and how long would be too long if the dose turned out to be dangerous. Thirty minutes seemed like a safe bet. It had been six months, and an air burst such as we had set off deposited less fallout than a ground explosion to begin with. That was my problem. I always applied Earth's scientific knowledge to these alien situations. It simply never occurred to me that the Valerians of the past might in fact have discovered radioactive isotopes we hadn't.
I know I should have talked it over with Saidan, but in all honesty I was a little frustrated with playing second fiddle to his new job as Chief Rationer. He spent most of his days figuring out how long the supplies would last. When I asked why it took so much time, he shrugged and said that there were entire storehouses underneath the towers that had to be counted and divided, and that it was important work.
More important than me, I supposed. Don't get me wrong, I believed it. I knew that without Saidan counting and rationing the bottles of water and protein bars, the infant society would have been placed in jeopardy by greedy individuals. Many of the Valerians had found their personalities in the days since Little Sister's demise, and not all of them were pleasant.
The truth was, I was jealous of Saidan. He was needed, and I was just window dressing. The outsider—never really trusted or called upon, merely tolerated. How things had changed from the warm thanks I had received upon my return. Unfortunately, the more unpleasant parts of nature are always amplified in a closed environment. That's why I had to get outside. Without technology such as a Geiger counter to measure the dose, I knew I was putting myself in danger, but my desire for freedom from what had become my prison overrode my good sense and years of education that told me six months was not enough time for Valeria to be habitable again. The prospect of spending one more day away from sunlight seemed even worse than the horrific machine in the Re-Education Building. My body and mind, already so battered from space flight, cryosleep, and torture, yearned for the simple pleasures of nature and sunlight.
I washed myself with my bottle of rationed water and put on the suit I had worn to Little Sister's leaving party. In truth, it offered no more protection than a jumpsuit, but I felt more comfortable wearing it in the absence of a radiation suit. I stuffed a couple of our rationed glow-sticks in my pocket and carefully made my way out into the dark hallway. A Valerian helpfully held a glow-stick up to light my way and I thanked him as I made my way to the stairwell. I'm sure he thought that I was just going to find Saidan… like a little lost puppy. How wrong he was.
I climbed the stairwell to the upper floors of the survivors' living space, and ducked under the rope that marked off the top floors while nobody was watching. I fumbled my way up two flights of stairs in the dark before snapping one of the glow-sticks and using its light to navigate the rest of the way up. My body complained at the physical exertion after six months of relative inactivity. I had tried to stay fit and healthy, but had lost the will to keep up with the exercise routine after a few weeks.
I reached the ground floor of the Supply Building. It looked just like the Science Building, but instead of labs, the floor had a factory layout. Machines stood lifelessly, dust gathering on their surfaces. They would never produce bottled water or protein bars ever again. I moved my hand out to run my finger through the dust and thought better of it, realizing any dust could contain radioactive particles.
As I made my way out to the hallway and its clear glass doors, I saw something I'd never seen on Valeria: rain. A thunderstorm, in fact, which was something I soon realized as a fork of pink lightning shot out from the purple sky. Rain was good: it meant that a lot of the more dangerous fallout particles had probably been diluted in the rivers and seas, bringing ground radiation down to more habitable levels. More study would be required before we could drink the water, but it was comforting to know that my life below the surface might soon be over.
There's a strange thing about knowing danger is all around you. Radiation is invisible: you can't taste it, touch it, or feel it, yet I knew it was there. I knew every breath I was breathing was toxic to my body, though at the time, I had no idea quite how badly I would be affected.
I pulled open the previously-automatic glass doors that fronted the Supply Building. Pushing the door open enough to squeeze through, I stood out in the fresh air with a sigh of relief. Even with the dark storm clouds brewing above me, the light was blinding to my eyes after six months in the dark. I squinted and looked around me. The city was intact: the bomb had gone off in the atmosphere as planned and left the city unharmed.
The droplets of rain poured down my back and I loved the cool feeling of them. It was a reminder that I was still alive. The cool air was refreshing after the cloying atmosphere of the underground living space. It was good to be outside, and I realized I had no desire to turn back, despite the danger. I wandered into the city, thinking about what the Valerians would do now that Little Sister was gone. Would this city continue as it always had, with the Valerians using the Buildings for their designated purposes, even without technology? I hoped that the Re-Education Building would be dismantled, at least. The infernal machine that had tortured us had been destroyed by the E.M.P., but I suspected the blood on the walls still remained.
I was pulled from my reverie by the feeling of being watched. I turned to see a pair of eyes at a window and jumped in fright. Were people still living on the surface? Had they survived the fallout?
"Who are you?" The question made me spin about to see a tall Valerian, a young man, standing before me.
"What are you doing out here? You should be underground," I said.
"So should you. Yet, we're both here. So I'll ask you again: who are you?"
"I'm... I'm the human who came to this planet to learn from the Science Building. My name is Julian."
"Are you the one who killed her?" The Valerian shook his head. "It doesn't matter. It's all gone now. Did the ones underground survive?"
"Yeah," I said. "How did you? The radiation must have been immense."
He shrugged. "What's radiation?"
"It's... never mind." I realized that somebody who wasn't from the Science Building would have a hard time understanding my explanation. The Sisters had created a species to be affable and easy to control, stripping the intelligence of all but a select few. "You should come with me," I said instead. "We're building a government underneath the Supply Building."
"I don't think so," he said.
"We have food. Protein bars. Water." His eyes widened at that, but he backed away and started to run. I didn't give chase. He would go if he wanted to or stay if he decided to. The risks and rewards wouldn't help a man who had witnessed the collapse of order and society. He would have to figure it out for himself with the other survivors in his group.
I continued to wander, until I realized more than half an hour must have passed. I hastened my step as I started my journey back to the Supply Building, drenched. I felt sick to my stomach and my mind realized that this was not a good sign. I stopped and vomited my protein bar back onto the pavement with horror. I felt cold, my whole body shivering, and realized I was probably in trouble. I squeezed back through the door I had opened and was barely strong enough to pull it closed behind me. I staggered towards the stairwell that would take me underground and back to relative safety. I felt a presence in the hallway and turned to see Saidan running towards me.
"What are you doing on the surface?" His question was concerned, but demanding, his eyes wide with hurt that I hadn't told him where I was going.
"I had to get above ground, Saidan. We can't live down there forever. I can't even see. I don't have large eyes like you. Humans were never built to live in the darkness, and the limited candles, torches, and lamps we have just aren't enough. I need daylight."
"But the radiation—"
"I know. I wanted to test the dose. I think we need to get below ground, Saidan. Now."
He didn't ask any more questions, but simply rushed to my side and let me lean on him. I didn't want to. I knew my clothes were most likely tainted with fallout. The last thing I wanted to do was poison him, but I had no choice. I felt nauseous and my brain was pounding against my skull as if it wanted to burst out. I was both freezing and burning up as Saidan half-helped, half-carried me down the stairs to the safe zone. The doctor and One were waiting just beyond the safety line.
"What were you thinking, Julian?" The doctor checked my temperature as I held myself up between the wall and Saidan. "Elevated temperature."
"Nausea and vomiting, too," I reported. "Headache."
"Acute radiation sickness," the doctor said. "You already knew, didn't you?"
"It's been six months. According to my knowledge, the most radioactive particles should have decayed by now. I don't understand—"
"According to Earth science," Saidan said, and it kicked me in the stomach just how stupid I'd been. "We don't know what radioactive isotopes were in that weapon, or if they were even comparable to what might have been in Earth's weapons of that type. How could you take such a risk, Julian? How could you put your life on the line for such a weak theory?"
"Now is not the time for recriminations," One said. "We need to get him to the hospital."
Saidan helped me down to the lower levels, where I was stripped and bathed, then laid in a medical pod. None of its functions still worked, or they would have told me just how severe my condition was going to get. Perhaps that was for the best.
"Saidan, I would like to talk to you outside, if I may," the doctor said. I knew it couldn't be good news from the grave expression on his face. I thought about the effects of acute radiation syndrome and my gut coiled in terror as I thought about the miserable death that lay in store for me. I couldn't believe how stupid I'd been, like a nineteenth-century scientist rushing in to test my theories on myself. It wouldn't have been as bad if there hadn't been Saidan to consider. We'd fought through so much, endured so much, survived so much, that to be denied our happy ending now was just plain cruel.
The door opened a few minutes later and Saidan entered, a wan smile on his green-lit face as he tried to appear strong in front of me. It made me almost break down. I seized his hand and gripped it with all the strength I possessed.
I closed my eyes, trying to fight back my emotions and tell Saidan the important details. "There were people up there. How were they venturing outside if the radiation dose is so high?"
The doctor perked his head up. "There were people still alive on the surface?"
"Yeah. I talked to one of them. A young man. He seemed well."
The doctor shook his head. "I did wonder why none of us living on the upper levels have suffered illness when yours is so severe. We must have a much greater tolerance for radiation than you. What is a deadly dose for your kind is survivable radiation for us. Though we will have to study the long-term effects."
"Or the isotope used in the weapon is much less effective on Valerians than on humans." My theory left a bitter taste in my mouth. In time, the Valerians would be able to live above ground, but I never would. Even if I survived, I would never be able to spend much time on the surface, unless it turned out the alien isotope broke down pretty quickly. I doubted it, somehow. The odds were rarely in my favor, it seemed.
There was a knock on the door and Saidan walked to it, waving his glow-stick in the dark. He opened the sliding door and a guard stood there. "One requests your presence in Supply Room One. A fight has broken out over rations."
Saidan lowered his head. "I'll be right there." He turned back to me and walked over. He planted an ever-so-gentle kiss on my forehead. "I'll be back as soon as I can," he whispered.
After he left, I turned to the doctor. "So how long do I have left?"
"It all depends on how lucky you are," the doctor said. "There's not much I can do without real equipment. I would normally give you a blood transfusion, but Valerian blood is nothing like human blood."
"So I just wait to die."
"Or live. It depends on how stubborn you are. On how much you want to spend your life with Saidan, even if it is one spent in the darkness."
*~*~*
Saidan returned much faster than I expected. He sat down beside me as the glow-stick faded. The doctor was elsewhere, tending to patients in other rooms. We sat in the darkness, the silence between us filling the air.
"This is my fault," Saidan finally said. "I abandoned you. I threw myself into my work and never thought about how trapped you must have felt, stuck down here in the dark."
"No, it's my fault. I was unscientific. I was so desperate to go outside that I cherry-picked the facts in order to make it possible. I'm so sorry, Saidan. I wasn't thinking of us, only of myself."