The Complete Groupie Trilogy (35 page)

The house he shared with Kat. Maybe he expected me to show up so I could see in painful detail how he’d managed to commit to her in a way he’d never commit to me. Hell, he was even able to commit to Lourdes in a way he couldn’t commit to me, and he maintained that was a relationship of convenience.

I was just some girl he told he loved once, when he didn’t want to spend the holidays alone.

Well he wasn’t alone this Christmas.  And frankly, neither was I.

I decided to indulge in some shopping therapy before going back to Graham’s, who deserved a Christmas present more than anyone I knew for the saintly way he was trying to help me heal. I didn’t know what I would get for him so I went in and out of boutiques and malls until I finally found a strip of antique stores. I strolled around the crowded and cluttered stores, trying to think of what would fit in that stark white “ice berg” Graham called a home. That was when I saw the perfect gift sitting tucked back on a shelf.

Only it wasn’t for Graham.

It was an antique metronome just like Vanni had
described on his Aunt’s piano.

Before I had a chance to reconsider I purchased the treasure and had it wrapped and delivered to the address I still had in my pocket. I didn’t enclose a name, but I didn’t really have to. Unless he told that story to every groupie who shared his bed, which I considered unlikely, he would know who purchased it.

And if he didn’t, that was all the better.

Maybe it was enough that he knew someone, somewhere, cared enough about him and his past to honor a significant relationship. Maybe, just like when he was on the stage, it didn’t matter who it was who loved him – just that someone did. Maybe, just maybe, the more faceless that someone was, the better.

I came up empty with a perfect gift for Graham, though I suspected a night in front of the fire in a fiery orange peignoir might be all he wanted.

Who knows? If Vanni was already punishing me for having done the deed it was time to move on from the past and just dive into something new. Maybe the only reason I couldn’t get Vanni out of my head was because I hadn’t forcefully evicted him yet.

I stopped by the market to pick up some items for dinner, taking the time to pick out some candles and flowers for the perfect romantic night in. We hadn’t had one yet, possibly because Graham was trying to avoid the frustrating wall I had erected between us.

Without consciously choosing to, I began to knock some of it down, brick by mental brick. This started with the long bath in scented water as I roasted a chicken in the oven, and the use of makeup and perfume to round out a much nicer outfit than a dinner at home warranted.

By the time he came home the house was aglow with candlelight with the air perfumed by flowers scattered throughout the house. He found me in the kitchen, putting the final touches on our meal.

“If you’re trying to spoil me, it’s working,” he said with a grin as he came around the coun
ter to plant a kiss on my lips.

I reached up to lock my arms around his neck. “I figured it was time to return the favor.”

His hands slid down my back toward my waist. “I take it you feel better than last night.”

“I don’t want to talk about last night,” I said as I reached for another kiss, this one I deepened before he could.

“Andy,” he started but I silenced him with one finger across his lips.

“Let’s eat.”

I led him by the hand to the set table, something I was certain he didn’t see much of if he wasn’t entertaining. I figured I had better start practicing my hostess duties given his big holiday bash just days away.

I sat him down at the head of the table and took my place opposite him. He shook his head in wonder at the surprising turn of events. “You’re too good to me,” he said.

“There’s no such thing,” I countered with a smile.

He didn’t ask how things went at the fan event for Vanni, and I didn’t offer. It was my plan not to think of Vanni at all if I could help it, but the steady tick-tock of the grandfather clock in Graham’s dining room would nudge me periodically to wonder if Vanni had received his gift and what it meant to him when he did.

After dinner I sent Graham into the living room while I washed and put away the dishes. When I joined him we curled on the couch to watch TV. It was a comfortable relationship, one that made me feel safe and secure. I glanced up at Graham with such gratitude it almost made me tear up. Maybe he was right. Maybe I would be able to love again.

As if he sensed my eyes on his fac
e he looked down at me. “What?”

“Maybe you shoul
d start a fire,” I said softly.

“If you want,” he said.

“I want.”

His eyes darkened as he searched my face. Without another word he rose to get the fire started, and I slipped down the hall to
my bedroom.

Minutes later I re-emerged, wea
ring the long, orange peignoir.

When I went back into the living room we stood apart looking at each other for a long, wordless moment. He seemed to soak it all in what step I was now letting him know could be taken in our relationship. I’d made him wait for so long maybe there was a part of him that didn’t believe it could be true.

So I glided over to him in bare feet, and met him where he stood by the fire.

“Andy,” he breathed as he ran his eyes over my face and then onto my body. “You look beautiful.”

“You make me feel beautiful,” I said as I reached for him. He took my hand in his and brought it to his lips. He then drew me into his arms and we danced without music by the glow of the fire.

He didn’t say much but he didn’t really need to. I could feel his body harden and reach for me as we swayed together in a close embrace. When he turned his face toward mine I took th
e initiative to kiss him first.

He clutched me to him as he deepened the kiss almost immediately. All those months of waiting, more than a year if you count all the way back to Vegas, caught up with him and he suddenly became ardent with his pent-up desire.

I responded as passionately, though if being honest it was more forced. I still had the ghost of Vanni in between us, and I knew it would be up to me to power through this first time with another man.

So I pulled him down with me onto the floor while my hands burrowed into his shirt. For a man near 50 he was impressively fit, and those sinewy muscles rippled under my inquisitive touch. I slammed my eyes shut to force away the images of Vanni’s spectacular chest under my hands, and inst
ead pulled Graham on top of me.

He pushed away the material from my creamy shoulders and planted hot, moist kisses along my skin. I clutched at his back and prayed he’d stop being such a gentleman. I wanted him to force the image of Vanni from my head with the same kind of masterful seduction Vanni had demonstrated time and again. Even the last time we were together in June when he pushed me up against the wall….

“Graham,” I said out loud to quiet the raging thoughts in my head.

His mouth blazed a trail up my neck and around to my ear. “Say it again,” he begged in a hoarse whisper.

That was all I could take. I had to shove him away and scoot away. I felt like such a shit for teasing him but I couldn’t tolerate his mouth and hands on my body with Vanni in my head.

“I’m sorry,” I tried to explain, but I couldn’t even look at him.

I heard him try to get his breathing under control from behind me. “I understand,” he said softly, but from the tone in his voice I had to wonder. I turned back to face him, only he wasn’t looking at me either.

“Graham…” I started and I reac
hed for him, but he moved away.

“Goodnight, Andy,” he said be
fore he rose and left the room.

He was gone the next morning before I got up and he didn’t make it home until late that evening. I had already given up on him and gone to bed when I finally heard his footsteps in the hall. He didn’t bother knocking, and I
didn’t bother seeking him out.

I knew it would be uncomfortable for both of us.

By breakfast the following day he had to drop the silent treatment. I thought it would be because of the holiday party that night, but instead he quietly informed me that one of the fans from the event had committed suicide.

“What?” I exclaime
d as I stared at him wide-eyed.

He nodded sadly. “Apparently her roommate at the hotel found her slumped over her computer, overdosed on pain pills, with a goodbye letter written to Vanni on his fan page.

I hopped up from the table and ran into the other room to retrieve my laptop. I opened it up to the fan email server and there at the top I read the message titled, “Goodbye.”

I opened it immediately.

“
Dear Giovanni,

I had hoped that we could reconnect in Los Angeles for your birthday, but it is clear that I never meant anything to you. You’ve got a new girlfriend now, and other fans who mean much more to you than I ever could. I thought our night together would have made me special, but I guess I just wasn’t good enough for you. In the future I hope you know better than to play with our hearts. It’s not fair to make us love you if you don’t ever want to return the favor.
”

It was signed, “Tawnie.”

My brow creased. This made no sense. Tawnie was one of the girls he had opened up to during his last luncheon. I thought I finally saw her mood change for the better over the three days with this renewed attention.

I said as much to Graham, wh
o had followed me into my room.

“Maybe that’s what pushed her over the edge,” he offered. “She was further confused by how receptive he was when that was the last encounter she could have with him. It took her a whole day to resort to suicide, so maybe the higher she was when you last saw her meant the further she fell.”

I didn’t know what to say. “Oh my God… Vanni…” I reached for my phone impulsively, but then remembered my disastrous night with Graham. This was just salt on that wound, and I couldn’t do that to him. I retracted my hand. “I’m… I’m sure that Kat will be able to handle it.”

He didn’t say much as he turned and walked out of the room, and I immediately wanted to chase after him. Instead, I called Alana who was beside herself with the news. I asked her how the rest of the band was taking it, which was my code for asking about Vanni, and she said she hadn’t heard from Kat or Vanni sin
ce the news broke that morning.

So I told her to call me back if she heard anything, and then went to find Graham. He considered momentarily about canceling the party, but it was a fundraising benefit for homeless families so he felt that would be counterproductive. I agreed with him and we spent the rest of the day preparing for that night’s celebration even though no one really felt in a celebratory mood.

By 5:00 p.m. I still hadn’t heard from Alana, and was beside myself with worry over Vanni. I wanted to call him but didn’t feel it was my place, and I couldn’t talk to Graham about it. Instead I busied myself with the party prep, which, even though I wasn’t part of the staff, seemed to require my utmost attention.

By 7:30 p.m. people started to arrive. The mood was somber, but as each guest filed past the paparazzi outside they noted the one way to honor a lost life was to take care of those who still lived. The donations went through the roof as each A-lister pledged more than their dinner ticket to the homeless shelter. By 8:00 p.m. Vanni and Kat showed up, both in black, and the paparazzi snapped photo after photo of the devastated rock star who mustered up a tear or two for the lost soul who had chosen to end her life. He announced he would be starting a fundraiser in her name for a suicide hotline so this kind of tragedy didn’t have to happen again.

Somewhere Iris would have been proud of her protégé, who said exactly the right thing with exactly the right emotion to spin a negative news story into positive PR.

But one look into his eyes and I knew it hadn’t been a line. Vanni was truly devastated, and he reached out for me with his eyes in a way I knew he never could with his words.

More than an hour later, after he had maintained his composure long enough to meet with several executives and other stars, I saw him disappear into another part of the house. I was quick to follow. He needed me, and I was going to be there for him.

I searched high and low throughout the huge mansion until I finally found him sitting on my bed, his shoulders hunched o
ver, his body racked with sobs.

I immediately went toward him and sat next to him on the bed. He couldn’t even look me in the eye he was so distraught. I took both his hands in mine. “Vanni… I’m so sorry.”

He shook his head. “It’s my fault. You all warned me but I didn’t listen. It’s all my fault.”

“No, it isn’t,” I told him as I smoothed his long hair. “She was obviously disturbed.”

“And I played with her emotions like a fool. What was I thinking?”

“You were thinking she was healthy,” I said. “You had no idea she’d take it to this extreme. Who could know that?”

“I slept with her in New York,” he confessed without looking me in the eye. I could tell that was the part eating him up inside. “The night I was so angry with you for being with that other guy. You were gone. And she was there. So I used her. Like tissue. Then just threw her away. God, I’m such a worthless piece of shit.”