The Complete Groupie Trilogy (33 page)

This trip was a test on several levels, and one of those was to see if I could be free enough to love again.

“Truthfully you’ve had me think about the future too,” I told him. “I just don’t know what I can offer right now. If anything.”

It sounded like a familiar caveat. Was I really opening up a loop hole and writing my own escape clause?

He brought my hand to his mouth and kissed it. “No
pressure,” he said again.

Though we sat close, we chatted about a variety of topics that had nothing to do with what we really wanted to say. By the time we got home late that night he was content to send me on my way to bed with nothing more than a close hug and a peck on the cheek.

I think we were both worried a more intimate kiss would have presented more problems and opportunity for a difficult discussion.

I dressed in my warm jammies and crawled into bed, confident that he would let me come to any decision to share a bed all on my own.

As I lay there I couldn’t help but make the comparison with Vanni, who generally was more forceful when it came to pursuing the woman he wanted. My eyes closed and I could see his face as he pinned me against the wall, and I could almost feel the hard contours of his body pressed into mine. My breath caught just from the memory, and did more to confuse my senses than the man who slept just down the hall.

There was no getting around it. That thousand-mile buffer zone had fooled me once again. I began to suspect I was in big trouble.

Graham had already left for the office by the time I emerged from the guest room that following morning. I snacked on some fresh fruit as I waited for Alana and Kat to come over, to discuss the guest list for the fan event. Talia had already booked her tickets the minute they became available, as did Tawnie Eaton. She hit my radar after the NYC trip, when she started sending him intimate emails that suggested they had shared a bit more than the usual fan M&G. As the months passed and Vanni did not respond to her, she grew increasingly bitter and even nasty in some of her emails, especially after his relationship with Kat became public.

I had some suspicions that she had posted anonymous and vindictive posts on the Internet but there was nothing yet I could prove. In the meantime both she and Talia were on my watch list as possible problems over the three-day fan event. This was partially the reason for the big pow-wow with Alana and Kat. Because we were juggling so many different personalities, it became necessary to come up with a battle plan.

Kat was cordial but still rather stand-offish when she came into the house. There was no hug like what I shared with Alana. I didn’t have to ask where George was, I already knew Alana had made the arrangements for her son to stay with Iain rather than be a part of any meeting that involved Kat. Their relationship was friendly, one of necessity, but Alana really wasn’t a fan of the kinds of games Kat was known to play. She could wring the last little drop of any benefit being the lead singer’s girlfriend, and constantly attempted to assert herself in a role of authority. This often tried to undermine someone like Alana who had been around since the band’s early days.

It was one of those girly things I had always managed to avoid since high school, but seemed to be immersed in since I had the misfortune of falling in love with a rock star. He belonged to all of us and none of us, which meant the claws were always bared even if someone was smiling right to your face.

I kept that information foremost in my mind as we all gathered in Graham’s home office to prepare events for the fans, and how much access Vanni would have with them.

Graham found us there when he returned home early that afternoon, and he greeted everyone warmly but reserved his kiss for me. It was a chaste kiss on the cheek, but I knew the gesture did not go unnoticed by Kat, who had spent the better part of the morning feeling me out how close I was with the man who held her boyfriend’s career in his hands.

Had she and Vanni talked about this interesting development? Were they worried, especially after the last time I lashed out against Vanni, that I could turn the band on its ear again on a jealous whim?

And was it my imagination or was Kat especially possessive when she discussed Vanni? She spoke on such authority on what he thought or felt or what his preferences were, when all of those things I already knew. I simply smiled and let her stake her claim, and kept decidedly mum about my relationship with Graham despite her subtle probing.

Graham did the talking for me when he gently put an end to our meeting, citing that he had made other plans for my afternoon. Alana looked almost visibly grateful to return to her family. Now that she understood her purpose in life she tired easily of the girly games that existed around Vanni.

I couldn’t say that I blamed her. I almost sighed in relief myself when Kat left the house. I didn’t realize how on guard I had been while she was there. I jumped when I felt Graham place his hands on my shoulders. “You’re so tense,” he remarked as he gently started to knead with his fingers. “Tough morning with the girls?”

I returned his grin half-heartedly. How could I explain it to him? Men didn’t understand the complex dynamics that existed between women. If men don’t like someone, they let it be known. They don’t cozy up to their “competition” to know just where to land their claws. As long as we were smiling and “making nice” guys just assumed everything was great – which was no doubt how Graham interpreted the situation when he came in on the three of us laughing like we were all the best of friends.

He asked cursory questions about our fan event as we went out to lunch, and kept the topics light before he took me back to his office that afternoon. From a high rise building near downtown Los Angeles I was able to get an insight into what his job entailed, and even listen in on a few meetings with people even more famous than DIB. It was almost like a take-your-female-companion-with-status-not-yet-defined to work day, but what stood out most was that he was quick to happily introduce me to everyone whose paths we crossed as his houseguest for the holidays.

He even tried to get a few of his underlings to try and convince me to join the payroll.

There was nothing hidden about our budding relationship, and I was curious how that information would filter down through the ranks until it reached Vanni.

We stayed late in his office on a conference call, and then stopped by a West Hollywood hot spot for dinner before we finally drove back home. He had no real drive to linger in the club scene, and I had never been fond of the nightlife myself.

We were content to grab some ice cream at the local market and then go sit out on a blanket listening to the darkened waves crash against the s
hore just outside his backdoor.

It felt comfortable. We had become close friends over the last few months, and there were things I could share with him about my parents I hadn’t been able to share before. Maybe Vanni had opened that door for me.

But I remained closed-mouthed about my relationship with Vanni, and Graham seemed loathe to ask. He did, however, tell me about his past relationships and what he thought went wrong in both.

In both he felt his workaholic ways robbed him of time spent with the one he loved. As he approached 50 he lamented on the time he could not get back, rather than the enormous bank account, two houses and assortment of cars.

“That’s why I’m willing to take the time in future relationships,” he said, and I knew he referred to us. “This is the gift,” he motioned to how we sat together on the blanket, feeding each other ice cream. “I’m not going to forsake it again.”

He paused, as if waiting for me to comment on what he said, or even what our relationship was. Finally he asked, “And what are you looking for, Andy?”

This was dangerous territory. We hadn’t really talked about what was happening between us anymore than we talked about my past with Vanni. Perhaps he suspected they were both entangled.

He was right.

I shrugged as I put the spoon back in the empty container. “I don’t know if I was ever looking for anything in particular,” I finally said. “Up until February I wasn’t even thinking in terms of forever, relationship-wise anyway.”

“What happened in February?” he asked softly.

“I missed my period,” I admitted without looking him in the eye. He just pulled his legs up to his chest and waited. “For about a half hour I didn’t know if I was pregnant or not, but the possibility was right there staring me in the face. I started to think about how my life would change. As scared as I was, I was also kind of excited, you know? It just made sense.”

“So what happened?”

“I found out I was dehydrated and exhausted, but not pregnant. But something in me changed. Like a mental switch was flipped. When I thought of that lifetime commitment of being a parent, suddenly a lifetime commitment to someone I loved didn’t seem so scary.”

“But it didn’t flip for the p
erson you loved,” he concluded.

“No,” I said sadly. “If anything it broke. He took another direction entirely.”

He reached over to gently rub my back. “I’m sorry, Andy. This may sound trite and self-serving but, maybe it was for the best.”

I chuckled humorlessly. “It didn’t feel like it at the time.”

“It never does,” he agreed. “But this way you know what you want. And you can find someone who wants the same thing.”

I glanced over at him then. He stared into my eyes for a long moment before he bent in for a kiss. I let his mouth move tenderly over mine, but pulled away before he could deepen it. “And what do you want, Graham?” I whispered.

“You,” he said without hesitation. He gently eased me back on the blanket and I allowed him to position his body over mine. Despite this intimacy, he was content to hold my hand in his as we made out like teenagers in the sand. He didn’t press me or try to seduce me. He was content just with the kiss.

Either that or he was afraid anything else would scare me away, which it probably would. I had to take it slow into any new relationship, because every time I closed my
eyes I still saw Vanni’s face.

I shivered in spite of myself, and Graham lifted his mouth from mine. “Are you getting cold?”

“A little,” I lied.

“Let’s go in,” he said. “You can get under a nice, warm blanket. And I can take an ice cold shower.”

I laughed as he pulled me to my feet, and he cradled me in one arm as we walked back to his house.

The next few days followed the same pattern. I spent my mornings with Alana, either at the house, her place or on the phone. I’d eat lunch with Graham and spend the afternoon at his offices, learning a bit more about the PR process. We’d eat dinner out and then spend our nights just talking or making out, but he’d always put the brakes on bef
ore we could get too worked up.

He seemed to understand I was still working it through, probably because I was more compliant than enthusiastic. If we were to get past first base it would have to be me initiating the play.

The man had the patience of a saint; I was sure he needed to blast himself with arctic cold water each night just to go to sleep. I myself was reaching a more frustrating plateau, but didn’t feel right using Graham in that way. I wasn’t completely sure it was Graham I wanted, or if he would be a substitute for something (or someone) else.

So each night I would politely kiss him goodnight before retiring to my room and snuggling down in my pajamas to fight fitfully through the night trying not to dream of
anyone in particular.

By the time for the first fan event I was a bundle of nerves and frustration, and even more confused than ever. I was fairly certain I’d be testing the theory behind spontaneous combustion if Vanni so much as spared me a glance.

As it turned out I didn’t need to worry about that, as Vanni barely acknowledged my presence at all. Unlike the other band members, who gave me a hug and a hello, Vanni arrived late enough that he had to go straight into his M&G rather than hang out with anyone. Faithful on his arm was Kat, who at least gave me a wave, but had her hands full letting the fans know that any romantic spot with Vanni was already taken.

It seemed to me Vanni was put off for a variety of reasons, and that could indeed have been one of them, but he kept his distance even with his other band mates. Also breaking from tradition he left earlier than anyone else, and didn’t spend any real time with anyone in particular except for Kat.

This caused a great disturbance with the fans, who felt short-changed by his hurried M&G. Alana and I spent the remainder of our night appeasing those discontented with the quality of time spent with their idol. It also didn’t escape our notice they were most vocally upset that Kat had something to do with it.

Regardless, tickets and spaces sold out quick for the remainder of the events. This included a special concert premiering new material as well as a Q & A with the band, as well as the birthday dinner with Vanni himself.

Perhaps they held out hope that on his birthday at least he’d be more receptive.

I kept mum about the M&G details with Graham when I finally made it home. He’d given me his Lexus to drive while I was in town, and by the fourth day in L.A. I had it sort of somewhat down. Driving late at night was the trick. There was still traffic but I could easier navigate things like fr
eeways without a crush of cars.