Chapter Fourteen.
one look at Devon’s grim face confirmed Jessica’s deepest fear. She sagged against the open door. “They’re sending you back” “Yes. ” He stood silently for a moment, as if measuring the extent of her sadness. “Can we talk? ” “Of course. ” She stepped back, continuing to use the door as a crutch while he entered the room. After the strength returned to her knees, she closed the door and clasped her shaking hands. “When are you leaving? “
“In a couple of hours. “
The room lurched. She swallowed a gasp of dismay. By the time Devon had turned back toward the foyer, she’d managed to compose herself. “I guess this is goodbye. ” “I hope not. ” He studied her for a long moment, then stuffed his hands into the pockets of the same fatigues he’d been wearing when Jessica had picked him up at the airport That had been less than a month ago. It seemed like a lifetime. During those precious weeks, Jessica had peeled away his veneer of rumpled apathy and glimpsed the sensitive soul he’d taken such pains to conceal. She’d seen hi. ” vulnerability, been touched by his tender heart; already that1 image was fading. This unfamiliar man, with his rigid stance and shuttered gaze, bore little resemblance to the gentle lover to whom she’d given her heart. Now the adventurer was back, the reckless vagabond cloaked in khaki. She knew that the mar she loved was still in there, buried beneath layers of camouflage and pockets bulging with survival gear; but she couldn’t help but wonder if she’d ever see him again. “
“Jessica? “
She looked up and saw the fleeting softness in his eye; before he glanced away. When his gaze returned, it was unreadable.
“This won’t be forever, ” he said firmly. “I’ll be back. “
“When? “
“I don’t know. ” His shadowed jaw tightened. ” I can’ ask you to wait. “
He didn’t have to. She had no choice. No one could eve. ” take Devon’s place in her heart. She loved him, plain and simple, yet it was a love she dared not express. He was among other things, a man of honor. If she asked him ti stay, he would. But at what cost? She’d be asking him to give up the career that was his life, an integral part of will he was. Even if Devon did love her-and she was acquaintly aware that he’d never uttered that word-how could she ask such a sacrifice? The answer was clear. She couldn’t ask. So she lifted her chin, silently vowing to endure this los as she’d endured the other tragedies of her life-stoically silently and alone.
“Crandall knows, of course. “
“Yes. “
“How is he handling it? “
After careful consideration, Devon chose a cautious response’ We talked. He understands. ” ‘ Jessica doubted that. “Acceptance isn’t the same as understanding” “No. ” His hands emerged from his pockets, fingers flexing as he took a step forward. For a moment, she thought he would reach out but he didn’t. Inste,ad, he crossed his arms as if to ward off the temptation. “What about you, Jessica? Do you understand or merely accept? ” She started to say “both” but that wasn’t true. Since he’d requested honesty, she offered it. “I don’t understand your compulsive need for danger. “
“It’s my job. “
“Reporting events is your job We both know you go far beyond that. Your trademark is taking unnecessary risks, throwing yourself into the fray and gambling with your life as though it had no meaning to you. ” Her voice broke. She blinked away a blur of tears but not before she saw his stunned expression. She ducked her head, certain that if she looked at him, she’d never be able to choke out her final, poignant plea. ” Dying is easy, Devon. It’s living that’s hard. Please, before you charge into a hail of bullets, think about the people who love you. Your life has meaning to them. ” She stood there, crying quietly, wanting to be brave yet unable to stem the tide of silent tears. Seconds ticked by. The distance between them seemed an unbridgeable chasm. Jessica wanted to embrace him, to kiss his beloved face and beg him to stay with her forever. But when she felt his warm arms surround her, all she could do was press her wet cheek against his chest and sob.
He touched his chin to the top of her head. “I’ll write. “
“I’ll write, too. ” “You take care of yourself, okay? Eat right, get plenty of rest and don’t forget to take your medicine. “
Sniffing, she stepped back. “I’ll be fine. “
“I know. ” He stroked a knuckle under her chin, then tipped her head back and took her lips in a slow, sweet kiss. He released her slowly, took a shuddering breath, then stepped away and went reluctantly to the front door. She spun and reached out. Their fingers touched. “Stay safe ” she whispered.
“Stay well, ” he said softly. And then he was gone.
Hours later, Devon stared out the airplane window, lulled by the droning jet engine and the rhythmic sighs of hi. ” slumbering seat mate. Far below, the North Atlantic sea wac shrouded in melancholy blackness. Inside, the cabin wa. ” dimly illuminated by reading lights above the few hard souls who, like himself, were unable or unwilling to sleep. Unlike those fellow passengers, however, Devon wasn’ engrossed in a good book. He was preoccupied with a gut wrenching search of his own tormented soul.
Dying is easy. It’s living that’s hard.
The simple statement exploded like a mortar in his mind Jessica had practically accused him of being suicidal, which most certainly wasn’t true. Devon had never wanted to die he simply wanted others to live. He’d done foolish things yes. He’d done dangerous things, but always in an at temp to save a life. Tommy’s life. Devon squeezed his eyes shut trying to shake off the haunting image of young Tommy Murdock. Because he done nothing, Tommy was gone. For twenty years Devoq had been trying to atone for that paralysis of fear and in decision; he’d never been able to pass an accident without stopping to help, or view danger without attempting a rescue. In retrospect, he realized that during such times, his ow; safety had never been a consideration. But then risking one’ life was not a particularly courageous act when that lif wasn’t regarded in high esteem. Devon’s eyes sprang open as the unexpected thought sent a chill down his spine. Could it be true? Was there a dark place deep inside him that considered his own life as less worthy than that of others? Had he been subconsciously courting the final escape of death in some kind of vain attempt to resurrect his lost friend? Man, that was heavy stuff. If any part of it was true, then Jessica’s perception had been more accurate than he dared admit. That scared the spit out of him. Jessica tossed her keys on the table flipped on the television and spread the newspaper out on the coffee table. With one eye on the TV, she thumbed the remote until a news channel appeared, then zoomed up the volume and concentrated on scanning the front page of the paper. The headlines were frightening. Cities under siege. Refugees streaming toward the borders. Hospitals overrun with wounded civilians. And while an entire country was gutted, politicians met on neutral ground congratulating themselves on having established bureaucratic rules for the carnage Business as usual in a crazy, mixed-up world. For Jessica, it was the most terrifying time of her life. Somewhere in the midst of that deadly chaos was the man she loved. With her heart in her throat she scanned each article searching for a name, a byline, a subtle hint of where Devon might be. She found mention of a hotel where some journalists were staying. The place had been bombed, but no one had been hurt. An airport had been closed by sniper fire. Again, no casualties. Jessica’s racing heart slowly returned to normal. Any extraordinary occurrence involving one of the Associated Press’s Pulitzer prize reporters would have been big news. Since nothing had been mentioned, she convinced herself that as of this moment, Devon must certainly be all right.
She sighed, slouched down and draped her head over the back of the sofa.
Two days. Devon had been away for only two days. They’d been the longest days of her life. She bitterly regretted not having asked him, begged him to stay. Eventually he would have resented that request-perhaps even despised her for having made it-but at least he would have been safe.
Miserable, but safe.
But it was too late now. Ikvon had made his choice and Jessica had to live with it. She could only pray that it was a choice that he, too, could live with. A glance at the dashboard clock confirmed that Jessica had less than fifteen minutes before the five p. m. news. She tapped the steering wheel, glaring at the red light as though impatience could rush the timed cycle, then pressed the accelerator the moment it flickered to grqn. By the time she pulled into the parking garage, there was barely five minutes to spare. She was out of the car before the engine’s final shudder. After dragging her dry cleaning out of the back, she tucked the afternoon newspapers under her arm and rushed to the stairs because she didn’t want to wait for a poky elevator. Puffing hard, she burst into her corridor and zipped down the hallway with the plastic-wrapped garments flapping over her shoulder like cellophane wings. The moment her key hit the lock, the door flopped open. She froze, wondering how she could have forgotten something as basic as locking her front door. Of course she’d been so emotionally distracted lately that nothing she did, or didn’t do, would surprise her. Still, she was extra cautious. With her wary gaze focused beyond the entry area into the living room, she took two steps and nearly tripped over a lumpy canvas duffel just inside the doorway. As she stared down at the familiar bag, her mind went numb. For a moment , she thought she was hallucinating. The clinking sound in the kitchen, however, was definitely not her imagination. She stood there like a stupid statue as a man dressed in civilian clothes emerged carrying a jar of spaghetti sauce. “You’re home early, ” he said. “Do you think this stuff would be okay on macaroni? That’s all I could find in the pantry. ” She swayed, barely aware that her freshly cleaned clothes had slithered into a crumpled heap at her feet. “I can tell by the look on your face that you’re wondering what I’m doing here. ” Devon set the jar on the table avoiding her stunned gaze by staring at the sauce as if expecting it to rise up and fly. “Well, the thing is, a funny thing happened on my way to the war. When I got to Germany , I realized that I’d forgotten to return your key. Now, I sure as hell wouldn’t want the key to my place floating around Europe, so I figured I’d better return it so you wouldn’t, you know, be worried. ” Tears pricked her eyes but she was still rooted in place unable to move, barely able to breathe. He was alive. He was here. He was home. She wanted to scream her joy, to dash into his arms and run her fingertips over every inch of his body to make sure that this wasn’t just a glorious dream. But she couldn’t feel her feet and her tongue had glued itself to the roof of her mouth. Evidently misreading her silence, Devon jammed his hands in his slacks pockets and angled a dejected glance in her direction. “Maybe I should have mailed the key. I mean, if you’ve made other plans or something-”
“Devon !
“Jessica barely recognized the raspy croak as her own voice. Half blinded by tears, she managed to open her arms and sob his name again. In a heartbeat he was there, embracing her, kissing her face, his breath warm against her moist cheek. He murmured her name as though it were a prayer, then explored her face with his fingertips, stroking every curve, every crease. While his thumb tested the softness of her lips, she frantically returned the intense inspection, probing through the thin fabric of his shirt for the telltale bulge of bandages. “Have you been hurt? Is that why they sent you back? ” “No. ” He gently grasped her wrists, kissing each hand before pressing them to his chest. “I wasn’t sent back, Jessica I refused the assignment. ” She searched his eyes. “But I thought that your job, your career was the most important thing in your life. “
“I thought so, too. I was wrong. ” ‘
“I don’t understand. ” ‘ He sighed. “I’m not sure I do, either. All I know is that I’ve spent my entire life searching for… something. When I was on the plane, I suddenly realized what that something was and I knew that I’d already found it. “
“What was it that you’d found? “
“It’d take me half the night to find the words to describe it” Jessica took his hand and led him to the sofa. “I have all the time in the world. ” ‘ They settled onto the cushions, knees touching, fingers entwined. Devon stared at their tangled hands for a moment , then spoke softly. “Over these past weeks, my father and I have gotten to know each other. For the first time in our lives, we’ve really talked to each other and do you know what?
We’re so much alike it’s frightening. “
Jessica smiled. “What led you to that conclusion? ” “There were a lot of little things, I guess. For instance, we both like Hawa an pizza. ” ‘ She emitted a startled laugh. “Pizza? ” “Hawa an pizza, ” he admonished. “There aren’t that many people who can tolerate a marriage of pineapple and pepperoni smothered in pizza sauce.
“Yes, well, I can see how that would create a profound emotional bond. “
“There were a few other things, too. ” “I should hope so. ” She studied his wistful expression. ” Tell me about them. “Well, let’s see. It’s kind of unique that we both talk in circles to avoid betraying our feelings. But that wasn’t what really got to me. ” He paused, drifting back in his mind to capture the memory. “When I was a kid, I always resented Dad’s business because it was more important to him than I was. Then I grew up and found myself doing the same thing. It seems that we’ve both been using work to isolate ourselves, but I never used to understand why. “
“And now you do? “
“Yes, ” he whispered. “Now I do. ” ‘ When he fell silent, Jessica held back the urge to pressure him into revealing more details. Whatever he’d learned obviously had been pivotal in the decisions he’d made, decisions that had monumental consequence in the direction his life would now take. She swallowed her desperation, waiting , hoping he’d share that crucial information with her.
“Has my father ever told you about my mother? ” he asked suddenly.
“No. As a matter of fact, I don’t even recall him ever mentioning her. ” ‘ That information didn’t seem to surprise Devon. “He never mentioned her to me, either. At least, not until a couple of weeks ago. ” There was a faraway look in his eyes. “She was a champion skier. I never knew that.