Her smile was a little nervous. “Actually, I’ve always loved to travel.
It must be wonderful to have a career that allows you to see the world and earn a paycheck at the same time. ” At this point, all Devon had to do was agree with her and the subject would be dropped Iike a hot rock. Since that was exactly what he wanted, he had no idea why he found himself saying, “The world I know isn’t worth seeing, unless watching entire cities bombed into ruins is considered a spectator sport. After a while, even death and destruction tends to lose its appeal. “
Jessica winced at the graphic image. “
“Then why on earth do you do it? “
“Because it’s my job. ” He sighed wearily. “No, it’s more than that.
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to be a journalist I naively figured that once injustice and cruelty were exposed, people would be outraged enough to stop it. ” “I don’t think that’s naive, ” Jessica said quietly. “I think iys a noble plan. ” He emitted a sound of disgust. “Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. People can only absorb so much misery before they harden themselves to it. When that happens, the evening news becomes an abstract work of fiction, entertaining enough but no one takes it seriously. “
“Then why don’t you just give it up? “
He looked at her as if she’d asked him to sever an arm. “Because it’s my life. ” Jessica lowered her gaze without comment. After fidgeting with her watch strap for a moment, she suddenly stood and glanced around the room.
Devon rose slowly. “What are you looking for? “
“My purse. I thought I left it-Ah. IYS on the counter. ” ‘ She went to dig through the trendy leather-and-canvas bag, and pulled out a brown plastic prescription bottle. After shaking something into her palm, she dropped the bottle back into her purse and spoke over her shoulder. ” I’m glad we’re going back to Los Angeles together. How long will the drive take? ” Devon joined her in the kitchenette. “We should hit town before the ten p.m. news. Why, do you have a hot date? “
“I might. ” She filled a glass with water and slid him a coy glance.
“Depending, of course, on how tired you are. “
Devon’s gaze was riveted on the tiny pills nested in her palm. “
“What’s that? “
“Tamoxifen. “
“What’s it for? ” “According to Frank’s fancy medical jargon, it helps prevent breast cancer recurrence by ” providing effective adjuvant anti estrogen therapy. ” “She popped the tablets into her mouth, washed them down and set the half-empty glass aside. After extracting a second bottle, she offered an apologetic shnzg. “I have so many different medications that the mind boggles. The truth is that I’ve forgotten what half of them are supposed to do, but if I don’t take them, I usually end up feeling like a wrung-out dishrag. ” ‘ The stiff reminder of her illness hit Devon like a fist. He stood there, transfixed, as she casually dispatched two yellow capsules, then tightened the drawstring on her bag and glanced at her watch. “Mom asked us to stop in before we left. Do we have enough time?
“You look tired, ” Devon blurted.
Her eyes rounded in astonishment. “Thanks. You look good, too. ” “All that walking must have worn you out, ” he mumbled , stunned by a sudden surge of panic. “I never should have put you through it. ” ‘ Jessica took a wary step backward. A strange expression crossed her face.. apprehension, perhaps. Or annoyance. Then she turned and walked silently into the living room. Unfortunately Devon was too preoccupied with his own fears to catch the warning look in her eyes because a single, terrifying word kept rolling around his mind. Recurrence. That meant the cancer could come back. Even now there could be malignant cells lurking in her body, waiting for a weak moment to mount a new attack.
But that wasn’t going to happen. Devon wouldn’t allow it.
A rustling noise caught his attention. He glanced up just as Jessica hoisted the suitcase off the couch. When she winced, Devon uttered a gasp of dismay, sprang across the room and practically ripped the luggage out of her hand. “
“Careful ! You’ll hurt yourself. “
At first she stared up in stunned disbelief. Then her lips tightened and her eyes darkened into ominous shadows. An exquisite sadness crossed her face as she turned and walked out of the house. Devon shifted his grip on the suitcase and followed, oblivious to all but his own torment. There was so much he had to do now, so much he had to learn. This tamoxifen stuff, for instance. He’d have to check that out and make certain that Jessica was getting the best treatment available And he’d check out her doctors, too. Nothing could be overlooked or left to chance. There was too much at stake. Tommy Murdock had died because Devon had done nothing to stop it. That wasn’t going to happen again. Hunched over his father’s kitchen table, Devon was pouring over a stack of pamphlets and medical texts as Gunda hurried through the kitchen door with groceries for the evening meal.
She clucked, frowned, and placed her parcels on the counter. “
“Bel meiner Trau! You have not left that place for three days. “
Devon barely looked up. “
“Did you know that bone marrow transplants have been successful in treating certain types of breast cancer? “
“I have heard so. “
“Actually, the process is pretty amazing. A person can actually have her own marrow frozen, then after radiation or chemotherapy, it’s thawed out and-” “Das tut’s! Enough!” Gunda yanked a clump of Swiss chard from the bag and flopped it forcefully on the counter. “I cannot hear such talk while preparing the food. ” “Sorry. ” Devon closed the book, pushed back his chair and went to plant a conciliatory kiss on the housekeeper’s fluffy graying head. “Am I forgiven, M tterchen? “
Gunda playfully pushed him away. “I am not your ” dear little mother. “
“Oh, but you are. ” Still standing behind her, Devon embraced her thick waist, hoisted her off the ground and spun around the kitchen, ignoring her sputtered protest. When he finally turned her loose, she shook a pudgy finger in his face and scolded him in her native tongue. Devon spoke some German, although not fluently enough to keep up with her rapid-fire rebuke. He did, however, follow enough to translate a few words and understand that the gist of her remarks had little to do with his frisky frolic around the kitchen. “Whoa, slow down, ” he said, then waited until she fell silent. “I caught the word obsessed but I can’t for the life of me figure out what you’re talking about. ” ’” “This!” She encompassed the cluttered table with a sturdy sweep of her arm. “Miss. Newcomb’s car is outside but do you spend time with her?
No. You sit with books. “
Perplexed by the woman’s vehemence, Devon absently scratched his temple. “Jessica’s in the study with Dad. They’re going over budgets or something. “
“And so you think she does not see what you are doing ?”
Although Devon was still bewildered, the accusation in Gunda’s voice was troubling. “What in hell am I doing? ” The woman sighed. As quickly as her frustration had appeared , it drained away and was replaced by maternal concern”
“You care deeply for Miss. Newcomb, do you not?
There was no need to deny it. “
“Yes, I do. ” ’”
“Then do not let her feel like.. how do I say this.. a doctor’s mouse?
Devon blinked. “Do you mean a laboratory rat? “
“Jawohl. ” The housekeeper issued an affirmative nod. ” She has been through much, but she is well now, is she not? ” “I don’t know. Nobody knows and that’s the problem. He raked his fingers through his hair. ” According to what I’ve read, it will take years before anyone can be certain that the disease won’t reoccur. “
“Does that happen to most people, this reoccurring thing? “
“No. Actually, the odds are that it won’t. ” ’”
“Then why do you worry? “
Because he was terrified of losing her, that’s why. And because any chance of that happening, no matter how remote , made him crazy. When he didn’t respond, Gunda laid a warm hand on his cheek. “It is good that you care, that you want to understand this thing that has hurt her, but perhaps you go too far. Show her your love, not your fear. That is what she needs. ” With a final affectionate pat, the woman returned to unloading her groceries. Suddenly she snapped her fingers ” Warte mali nearly forgot. ” Mumbling to herself, Gunda dug through her purse, then chortled happily and pulled out a neatly folded sheet of paper. “
“This is from Katrina”
Devon admired the crayoned picture, which was an unrecognizable series of multicolored scrawls. “Did she draw this by herself? ” “Ja. ” Gunda gazed at the colorful smears with undisguised pride. “It is good? ” Considering the fact that less than a year ago, the autistic child had been unable to focus on anything outside the confines of her own fragmented mind, Devon agreed that the drawing exhibited great progress. “It’s wonderful, ” he assured the beaming grandmother. “Put it up on the fridge so everyone can admire it. ” ‘ Nodding happily, Gunda took the precious picture and Devon returned his attention to the table As he absently fingered the glossy cover of a chemotherapy pamphlet, the housekeeper’s warning rang in his mind. Although Devon didn’t really believe he was obsessed with anything, he was nonetheless unsettled by Gunda’s observations and had the discomfiting sensation that she might actually be right about Jessica’s feelings on the matter. Since returning from Monterey, Devon and Jessica had been nearly inseparable, spending every spare minute together They’d shared candlelit dinners, haunted video rental stores searching for old Cagney classics and had scoured the local mall in a futile quest of a stuffed shark as a gag gift for Frank. And afterward, they’d made love-sometimes sweet and passionate, sometimes wild and zany, always incredibly, exquisitely wonderful. Then they’d snuggled in each other’s arms, basking in the afterglow.
Everything had been perfect until the C word was mentioned.
At the time, Devon had been too engrossed in relating details of a new treatment or the latest recovery statistics to note the thickening atmosphere, the subtle tensing of her muscles. In retrospect, however, he now recognized how uncomfortable she must have been and was chagrined by his insensitivity.
Show her your love, not your fear.
It seemed simple enough; but concealing such an all-consuming terror would be the most difficult feat of Devon’s life.
*
Crandall adjusted his spectacles and peered over the rimless lenses.
“Are you certain these figures have been corroborated by marketing? “
“Both the marketing and finance directors have signed off on them, ” Jessica replied, thumbing through a thick stack of bound budget pages. ” Long-term projections are always somewhat speculative, but the calculation parameters are sound and unless there’s an unanticipated dip in consumer demand, I think their figures are reasonable. ” “Good. ” Closing the soft cover document, Crandall took off his glasses and wiped his forearm across his brow. ” I want the final version in the stock holden hands by the end of the month. “
“That shouldn’t be a problem. Everything seems to be on schedule. “
“I’m sure it is. You never let me down, Jessica. ” Pleased by the praise, she smiled and tucked the draft back into her briefcase. “The budget package is a joint effort We’ve all been working on it for weeks. ” “But you are the one who has pulled it all together, shipshape and on time. ” Crandall dropped the fat document on his desk and leaned back in his chair, regarding her with a bemused expression. “Considering the recent upswing in your social life, I’m frankly surprised you’ve found time for something as mundane as work. ” Jessica’s fingers froze on the valise clasp. “That was a low blow, Crandall. ” “Just a cursory observation, my dear. ” He smiled and stretched like a sated cat. “After all, I’d have to be blind not to have noticed a certain sparkle in your eyes, a sparkle that my son also displays at the breakfast table. Assuming, of course, that he arrives home in time for breakfast, which wasn’t the case this morning. But then, you already know that, don’t you? “
Jessica snapped the fastener and set the briefcase aside.
“What can you expect? You’ve been pushing us together for weeks. Now that you’ve gotten your wish, you’re complaining ?” “Not at all. ” Crandall steepled his hands and looked extremely pleased with himself. “May I assume that you’ve forgiven me for having breached your confidentiality in the first place? ” “No, you may not assume that, ” she replied crisply. “It was my place to tell Devon about my illness, not yours. I’m still very annoyed with you. Crandall’s elbows slipped off the table He seemed stunned by her brusque tone. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize -, , Instantly regretting her abruptness, she waved away the apology and tried to make amends. “You did what you thought was right at the time. It’s not your fault. “
He leaned forward to scrutinize her unhappy face. “What is it, Jessica?
Has Devon been unkind to you? ” “Unkind? Devon? Heavens, no. ” She laughed at the irony. “That’s the problem. He’s too dam nice. ” “Oh. Well, that must be very difficult for you. ” The dry humor fell on deaf ears. Jessica’s smile faded and the amused twinkle left Crandall’s eyes.
“You weren’t joking, were you? “
“No, ” she whispered, annoyed by a sudden prick of tears. She roughly wiped them away. “This is ridiculous. What kind of woman complains about a man who can’t do enough for her? ” Crandall considered that. “Perhaps a woman who prefers to do things for herself. ” Jessica couldn’t sit for another moment. Standing quickly, she crossed the room and feigned interest in the huge library of first-edition books lining one wall of the study. She absently fingered the worn spine of one leather volume, vaguely noting that the worn gold leaf title had been rendered unreadable by years of handlin. “That’s probably it, ” she murmured thoughtfully. “I’ve sn on my own for so long, I’m just not used to having someone carry my laundry basket and bring me coffee. “
Crandall’s chair squeaked. “So you feel smothered? “
“Not exactly. I feel…” She paused and looked over her shoulder. “I feel like an invalid. “
“Gracious, ” he muttered, obviously bewildered and at a loss for words.
Jessica returned her attention to the books, wishing she’d kept her mouth shut. How could she explain what she didn’t even understand? A11 she knew was that since Devon found out about her illness, he’d been solicitous to a fault, constantly chiding her to rest and generally treating her as though she might keel over at any moment. It was driving her nuts.