PROLOGUE
Tabatha looked at me as if I had just sprouted wings and was about to fly away. The expression on her face was almost comical. She paced the living room of my apartment and shook her head in disgust.
“Gina, we’ve been down this road before. How many times do I have to spell it out for you?”
“I don’t want to hear it, Tabatha. That’s my husband and I’m sticking by him.”
“He’s not your husband. Y’all didn’t walk down the aisle in front of friends and family and recite vows. You didn’t vow to love each other through thick and thin or sickness or health.”
“Whatever.” Tabatha was starting to get on Gina’s nerves. She didn’t need to have her best friend count down all the haves and have-nots in her relationship. Gina was well aware of those things.
“And he damn sure didn’t promise to forsake all others, or you wouldn’t be in the situation you’re in now.” Tabatha walked over to the other side of the room, suddenly interested in looking out the window.
It was a good thing she put some distance between them because Gina was ready to reach out and touch her.
Placing her fists on her waist, Gina stood up to face her. “Why did you have to take it there? That’s water under the bridge.”
Tabatha turned around, anger etched on her honey-brown face. “Because someone needs to take you there because it appears as if you’ve forgotten the gritty details of the life you actually live. You’ve been looking at your life through rose-colored glasses; it’s time to take the shades off and see shit the way it really is.”
“And what way is that?” Gina felt the blood rushing through her veins. She struggled to hold on to her anger.
A look Gina never recognized before crossed over Tabatha’s face. “Uh—”
Gina said, “Don’t get to stuttering now.” She was trying real hard not to call Tabatha out her name.
They had been friends since high school, but Tabatha was wading in troubled water now. As quickly as the look appeared, it disappeared, and Gina saw a resolve that scared her.
“Fine, I’ll say it. You’re a fucking fool.” Tabatha folded her arms across her chest and stuck out her chin. Her look was defiant, as if she dared Gina to challenge her.
“What . . . I . . .” So many words struggled to get out of Gina’s mouth at the same time, she couldn’t get any of them out.
“Who’s stuttering now, Gina?” Tabatha taunted.
Even though Gina was pissed at her, she felt the humor in Tabatha’s jest and it took the sting out. Gina sat back down, and Tabatha sat next to her.
She grabbed Gina’s hand. “Girl, I wouldn’t say that shit if I didn’t love your stinkin’ drawers.”
In Gina’s heart she knew that, but it still hurt. “Tabatha, regardless of whether you approve of Ronald, I can’t help who I love. We don’t need to practice that type of rhetoric to recognize our commitment. In my heart, we are married. Anyone who can’t respect it can kiss my natural black ass.”
“Thanks, but no thanks. Kissing your ass is not on my list of things to do—ever! All jokes aside, I hear what you’re saying. But in the eyes of the law, he’s not even your common-law husband, and what he’s asking you to do is a felony.”
“To quote a phrase that I’ve heard you say about a million times, ‘fuck the law and the horse it rode in on.I’m doing me.”
“Don’t misquote me. When I said fuck the law, I was talking about a parking ticket I got. I wasn’t referring to something major like filing a false friggin’ tax return. Not to mention claiming children you’ve never had. Hell, y’all done stepped over to the out-of-control side. This type of behavior is scaring the shit out of me.”
“What are you talking about, Tabatha?”
“Don’t make me spell it out for you, heifer. You know what I’m talking about.”
“No, I don’t, and I’m not a heifer.”
“That is a matter of opinion.”
Tabatha was joking, but like most jokes, it held some element of truth. Gina had a habit of trying to change the subject when she was called on her shit, but this time Tabatha wasn’t willing to let it go.
Gina rolled her eyes and sighed. “If you got something to say, say it.”
“Okay, you asked for it. When it’s all said and done, you are setting yourself up for failure. This man you claim is your husband can and will walk away from you, and you will be sitting in the same spot looking stupid.” Tabatha really hurt Gina’s feelings with this remark, and she had to struggle not to completely tune her out.
“Do I detect a little haterade?”
“Bitch, please. What is there to hate on?”
“You hatin’ because I have a man and you haven’t had one since Jimmy Carter was president.”
“Say what you want, I’m not changing my mind on this.” Now Tabatha let out a deep sigh.
Gina had hurt her feelings, but she refused to back down. Tabatha was tired of having this argument with a woman she loved like a sister. In Tabatha’s mind, Gina was a idiot. She had wasted years on a man who had no desire to marry her. She was raising two of his children from a prior relationship. Ronald was fucking her doggie style and riding bareback while doing it.
“Okay, I give up. It’s your life and I’m going to let you live it, but don’t bring your ass to my door crying when the motherfucker ditches you too.”
“I got it. If, and I stress the word
if
, that happens, you will not be on my list of people I call to have my back.”
“Girl, stop trippin’. I didn’t say I wouldn’t have your back. I just said I’m going to shout I told you so before I offer one iota of sympathy.”
Tabatha could tell by the way Gina threw her head back that she was through with her opinions about her relationship, but Tabatha was tired of seeing her get used. For years, Gina had been faithful to a worthless man. He had children by other women, disappeared for months at a time, and always brought those outside children into Gina’s home as if it were okay.
In the beginning, she said she accepted them because she didn’t have children herself, but it was a new day and Tabatha wanted her to wake up and recognize it. She was more of a mother to Ronald’s bad-ass children than their birth mothers. That bugged the shit out of Tabatha. It didn’t seem fair that Gina should bear the responsibilities of being a mom without the benefits of having the biological father present and accounted for.
CHAPTER ONE
GINA MEADOWS
When I woke up, the room was spinning as I rushed to the bathroom. My stomach and my intestines were battling it out; it was only a matter of time before one of them won. Frankly, I didn’t give a flying fuck which one won as long as my pain stopped. I just wanted to be able to lie down and rest. I was so tired most of the time.
As I emerged from the bathroom, Tabatha loomed in my way. Obviously, I had fallen asleep at Tabatha’s house because I was still wearing the same clothes I’d had on the day before. I felt grimy, dirty, and sick as hell.
“Move.”
“Negro, please. You need all the support you can get.” Tabatha slipped her hands under my arms to even my weight.
“Support? What kind of support do you give me?” If Tabatha was looking to piss me off, she was doing a good job.
“I am the fucking godmother, not a fucking cash cow.” Tabatha swelled up with pride.
I knew this would be the first time that Tabatha had been designated for such a high honor, and she wasn’t going to let my pissy attitude ruin it for her.
“Godmothers provide financial support and you ain’t done none of that shit.”
Tabatha all but allowed me to fall on my ass. “Hold the fuck up, heifer. Merlin and Gavin did not come from your pussy. I don’t want no parts of them, but this one that you are carrying, that’s another story. Are you trying to say because I didn’t financially support Merlin and Gavin, I can’t be a godmother to this one?”
“Hell, yeah. I need someone who is going to spoil my baby rotten.”
“That’s not fair, Gina. It would be different if those were your children. I never thought you would take total responsibility for children you didn’t have. Besides, money ain’t everything. When you need me the most, I come through, and you can’t put a price tag on that shit.” Tabatha made a good point.
She was always around when I needed her, and I didn’t have to worry about my words coming back to me in the form of malicious gossip.
“You’re right. I’m trippin’. I value your friendship and I need to start acting like it.”
“’Bout time you recognized.”
Tabatha was gloating, but she should be. If she weren’t such an extraordinary friend, she would have drop-kicked my ass to the curb a long time ago. I was the stupid one in this friendship, and I was woman enough to admit it.
She said, “I have to ask this. How are you going to manage with another mouth to feed?”
“Tabatha, you know how long I’ve been trying to have a child of my own. The pain I feel because I haven’t had one is changing me. I’ve become such a bitch.”
“You ain’t even lied.” She smiled when she said it, but she was only stating the obvious.
“You didn’t have to agree so readily.”
“Hey, it is what it is. I understand how you feel, but you’ve already opened your home to two illegitimate children from Ronald who he isn’t helping with. How are you gonna take on this additional expense?” I thought about my sparsely furnished bedroom and understood where Tabatha was coming from. It wasn’t the worst furniture in the world, but none of it matched. They were all pieces I had picked up at garage sales or thrift stores.
“Maybe this baby will make Ronald change. This baby will link us together forever.”
Tabatha knocked on my forehead. “Damn, what kind of dope are you smoking? People, like animals, don’t change their spots. They are what they are. You either deal with them or leave them alone. He doesn’t take care of the babies he already has, so what makes you think he is going to take care of this one?” She gestured to my stomach, even though I wasn’t showing.
“I don’t need his help. This is my baby and I’m keeping him.” A look of pure horror crossed Tabatha’s face. If I didn’t know before how she felt, I knew now.
“Have you told Ronald about the baby?”
“No, not yet. He is coming home for Christmas, and I’m going to spring it on him then.”
“Girl, you know I’ve got your back . . . but I have a bad feeling about this.”
“Well, I don’t. He’s been looking for a reason to come back to Atlanta to live and this is it. I want to get married for real and raise his child.”
“That sounds all good, Gina, but Ronald’s track record doesn’t support what you’re saying. How many baby mommas does he have out there?”
“This ain’t about them. I’ve done the work that they didn’t. Being pregnant by him has to count for something,” I lamented, banging my hand down on her mattress for emphasis.
“Hey, in my book it counts, but I’m not the one making the decisions. It’s Ronald, and, as I’ve said before, his track record ain’t that good.”
“Everything ain’t the way it seems. To you, Ronald may not look like much, but he’s there for me and that’s what counts,” I lied. That’s what I hoped for, and I knew this baby would answer my prayers.
“Ronald is only thinking about himself. He graces you with his presence only when he feels like it, he hands you a little money, and you take that shit. What I’m trying to tell you is that you deserve more than that.”
Tabatha was right. If I were truly honest with myself, I actually wanted better, but I was prepared to play with the cards I’d been dealt.
“That is easy for you to say. You don’t see the lives I’ve changed. If I weren’t there for the twins, they would probably wind up in the system or on the streets, and I wouldn’t table to live with myself because of it. I don’t have any regrets with regard to those children.”
“You don’t deserve to be pregnant; you deserve a fucking medal.”
We both started laughing until I noticed the look on Tabatha’s face. No doubt about it, she was having one of her brainstorming moments.
“Then go into business and help yourself. Stop being a baby momma to your pimp. Take your expertise with children and make it work for you.”
“Ronald is not a pimp. He’s fertile. It wasn’t his fault he chose to lie down with worthless women.” I was struggling to come up with excuses for Ronald. I wasn’t just trying to convince Tabatha, I was trying to convince myself.
“What are you saying? If it wasn’t his fault, then whose was it? He did have a choice in the matter of who he was going to fuck.”
“Damn, Tabatha. Why did you have to take it there?”
“Because I’m speaking the truth. Something you should be familiar with, but you aren’t.”
“The truth according to you. I don’t care what you say. Ronald loves me and he’s going to love our baby.”
“Gina, the man is a walking time bomb. He doesn’t even think enough of himself—or you for that matter—to wrap his dick up when he’s out there in those streets. Do you know how fortunate you are that he hasn’t given you some type of disease that you can’t go to the doctor and get a cure for? He’s playing Russian Roulette with your life.”
Her words hurt me more than I wanted to admit. I had often thought about how careless Ronald was with my life, but at the end of the day, I still loved him and would do anything to keep him, including putting my own life on the line for his. But if I were honest with myself, this was taking a toll on my self-esteem. I used to think I was a vibrant woman, but lately I felt like a piece of shit stuck on the bottom of someone’s shoe.
“I know you ain’t stupid, but tell me this: Why haven’t you told him yet?”
“I told you, I’m going to tell him when he comes home for Christmas. I don’t want to tell him over the phone.”
“Why didn’t you tell him when he was here for Thanksgiving?”
“He was only here for the day, and I wasn’t sure I was pregnant. Besides, for the first time since he left, he’s actually talking about moving back home.”
“Ah, now we’re getting to the root of the problem. You think if you tell him, he might change his mind about moving, right?”
I didn’t answer her. I didn’t need to because she already knew the answer to that question.
“I’ve got to hand it to the brother, he’s good. He’s got your mind so messed up you can’t even tell when he’s pissing all over you.”
I reared back as if to slap her. She had gone too far.
“What? You gonna hit me? I’m the only one who is around for your sorry, underappreciated ass.”
I got up and grabbed my purse. “You know what? I think I need to leave. Obviously, I have outstayed my welcome.”
“Gina, no, I’m sorry. I just hate that you keep giving that man all your love and he continues to shit on you. I want you to wake the fuck up.”
“Understand and respect this, Tabatha: I love him. For all his faults and betrayals, I love him. How he treats me is my business. Now, I love you too, but I can and will cut you from my life if I have to continue to defend my decisions to you.”
“I hear what you’re saying. I will try to keep my opinions to myself, but would you at least consider my idea? If you are going to take in wayward kids, why not get compensated for it? You could apply for grants and give the love that is in your heart and get compensated for it.”
“Tabatha, what are you talking about? What I do for Ronald’s kids, I do from my heart. I don’t want to accept money for it.” I sent a look that could have drawn blood.
“Gina, doing from your heart is one thing, but your purse is on empty. You need some help. How do you plan to support another mouth when you’re barely making it as it is?”
“My husband will support me and the children.”
“That’s the thing, sweetie, he’s not your husband and those twins are not yours. He could decide tomorrow that he doesn’t want to have a damn thing to do with you and there won’t be anything you could do about it.”
“Tabatha, I’m going to leave before I say something that I can’t take back.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Because I am not going to allow you to sell me a line of bullshit. I love you, but I’m not going to say the things that make you happy just to make you feel better. I love you; but, damn, don’t test me.”
I started to gather my belongings again.