CHAPTER FOURTEEN
MERLIN MILLS
My heart was heavy as I closed the door behind me. This was not how I’d envisioned my homecoming. I had tackled the hardest part, which was leaving, so coming home from Iraq should have been the reward.
“Cojo?” I thought she would still be sitting in the living room, but she wasn’t.
“I’m here.”
I followed her voice to the kitchen. She was laying on the floor in the corner. She was my queen, and I’d reduced her to this. I rushed forward and gathered her up in my arms. She did not fight me as I lifted her from the floor and carried her into our bedroom. As I walked, I left a trail of kisses over her face. My heart was beating double time. I could not believe that I had used my hands against the only person in the entire world who loved me unconditionally.
“Baby, I am so sorry.”
She started to struggle against me, but that only made me hold her tighter.
“Let me go.” She was fighting me now as if she wanted to hurt me, but I couldn’t let her go.
“Please, baby, let me explain.” I didn’t know what I was going to say to her that would make things better, but I had to try.
“You promised—”
“I know, sweetie, and it will never happen again. I lost my head for a minute and couldn’t see what I had before me.”
She didn’t have to finish her sentence because I already knew what she was referring to, and she was right. I did break my promise. When she pushed me this time, she appeared to have the strength of ten men. I fell off the bed.
“Fuck that. I will not be your punching bag. You disrespected me and our marriage. I’m leaving you.”
“Baby, you don’t mean that. Just give me a chance to explain.” I got up from the floor, and she scrambled over to the far side of our king-sized bed.
“I said exactly what I meant. You violated our marriage vows. I just need to think about how I’m going to get away from you.” A long wail followed her sentence.
Deep in my heart, I knew that she still loved me. I just had to find a way to bring it to the forefront. “Can I talk to you while you’re trying to figure this out?”
“Do I have a choice?”
I wanted to get mad about the bitterness in her voice, but I understood the role I played. “Yes, you have a choice, but I am begging you to please listen to what I have to say. I don’t want our whole marriage to go down the drain behind this stupid shit.”
She turned around and faced me. My entire demeanor changed. I saw the damage that I’d done to her face and wanted to whup my own ass.
“Oh, God, baby, I am sorry. I swear to you, I never meant to hurt you. If you want to pick up a pan and beat my ass, then do it. I deserve it. I love you more than life itself. I am so sorry. Seeing you like this . . . I don’t know if I can even forgive myself.” I couldn’t explain it, but I felt a shift in temperature in the room. I lifted my arms from around her waist.
“You went crazy. I didn’t know you,” she said, watching me closely.
“I know, and none of that has anything to do with you. Please believe that.” I was crying on the inside for all the pain that I’d caused her.
“I need to understand.” Her voice was barely a whisper, but it resounded in my head like a cannon.
“That’s fair. Gavin is my twin brother. From the first day that I can remember, I had to watch over him. You would think that he would be someone I could look to for guidance, but that wasn’t the way it was.”
“You know what? I thought I was going to be able to do this, but I can’t. Just looking at you makes me sick to my stomach. I have to leave.” Cojo got up to go back into the living room, but I stopped her.
“Sweetheart, I know this is difficult right now, but we can work through this.” I was determined to get through this no matter how painful it was for both of us.
“That’s easy for you to say because you don’t have a swollen jaw.” She yanked her arm from my grasp.
Although I wanted to reach out to her again, I didn’t want to cause her further pain. The bottom line was that there was no excuse in this world that would make this better. She began pacing the room like a caged animal.
“Baby, would you just sit down?”
“I can’t do this . . . I just can’t do this.”
“Shit.” If I could have beaten myself up, perhaps I would’ve felt better. I could understand Cojo’s pain because I broke the promise that I made to her when we first started dating in high school to never put my hands on her in anger. I honestly didn’t know what came over me. Cojo left our bedroom carrying a small suitcase, and my heart stopped beating. This was definitely not the way I had planned on spending our reunion night.
“Cojo, where are you going?” I rushed to her side, but I didn’t make the mistake of touching her.
“I don’t know, but I need some time to think.”
“Baby, please don’t do this.”
“I have to. I can’t look at you without wanting to bash you in the head.” Her voice was trembling and it tore at my heart.
My mind was going a mile a minute, trying to think of something to say that would change things. “Hit me then if it would make you feel better, baby. Here, use this.” I picked up the lamp that was sitting on the end table and pushed it into her hands. I bowed my head and prayed that I would be able to withstand the pain. The base of the lamp was all metal. I closed my eyes and braced myself for the assault. Several seconds passed and I felt nothing. I opened one eye and peeked up at her. I didn’t know if she was waiting to catch me on the upswing or not. “What are you waiting for? Knock my lights out.” I remembered hearing the same line in a movie, and it almost caused me to smile.
She put the lamp down on the table and shook her head. “I don’t believe in violence. I thought you felt the same way, but obviously I was wrong.” She kept throwing little verbal jabs that felt like rock-solid punches.
A single tear leaked from my right eye. “Baby, please. Don’t do this.” I knew that I said that before, but I didn’t know what else to say.
Her eyes were uncertain when she looked at me, but I was comforted by the fact that she didn’t immediately turn away from me.
She said, “I just need some time to think.”
My mind raced. What was there to think about? I fucked up, plain and simple. I was sorry and we would get past it. I could not understand why she needed to make things more complicated than they already were. “You have to know that I will never put my hands on you again.” I spoke with conviction from my heart, but her look was skeptical.
“Yesterday I believed that.” She started walking backward toward the door.
“No, baby, I can’t let you leave.” I started in her direction.
“You’re going to hit me again?”
Her words froze my feet and stabbed my heart. Another tear followed the path of the first, and it started a flood that I couldn’t control.
“Oh, God, I’m so sorry. I never wanted this to happen.”
She started crying too. I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her that everything would be okay, but now I was beginning to have my own doubts.
“I don’t want you to leave. If you can’t stand to look at me right now, I’ll go. Perhaps in a few days we can sit down and talk about this rationally.” I said what I thought would make things better, but in my heart, I didn’t want to go. Secretly, I hoped she would say it was unnecessary for either of us to leave and we would work on patching things up together. It didn’t play out.
She put down her bag and waited rather impatiently as I repacked my things to leave. For the first time in my life, I prayed and packed. I prayed Cojo would change her mind and that we could get things back on the right track before I had to leave again. I only had a two-week furlough, and I didn’t want to spend the entire time fighting. As I was flinging things into my duffel bag, I thought about where I was going to go.
There was no way I was ever going to my mother’s house. Therefore, I either had to check into a hotel or try to catch up with my homeboy Braxton to see if I could play on his sympathy. In fact, that was probably my only solution because I didn’t want to blow the money I’d managed to save while I was away on a stupid hotel. Times were too hard in 2009 to be foolish with money.
“Cojo, I’m being redeployed to Iraq in two weeks. I wanted to house hunt while I was home so we could stop renting this apartment. We’ve been living here since we got married.” I was begging hard. I knew that this wasn’t the best time to throw this at her, but I felt like I was running out of time.
“Oh my God. You just whupped my ass for something that wasn’t my fault and now you are asking me to house shop with you. Am I hearing you correctly?”
“Baby—”
“Stop calling me baby. That shit ended when you raised your hand and struck me. You threw away a seven-year relationship with your fist.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry—”
“I should have kept going when your mother showed her ass at my wedding.”
I was in the begging mode now and would have agreed to anything that would have kept me from walking out the door and kept her from reliving our wedding day. Leaving was an expense I had not calculated and would mess up my three-year plan. “I’ll go, but can I call you later?” I didn’t know what I would have done if she told me no, but I asked anyway.
“Yeah, but I need time.”
It was a small concession on her part, but I was thankful she was even open to dialogue with me.
I said, “I know you can’t feel it right now, but I believe we can make this right.”
Cojo followed me as I backed up to the door. In my heart, I believed she would stop me before I crossed the threshold, but it wasn’t so.
“Give me your key.” She held her hand out.
“Huh?” I wasn’t ready for that one.
She wasn’t just content with my leaving; she wanted to make sure I didn’t pounce back into her world without permission. Part of me wanted to object, but the other part of me knew I had fucked up. I slipped the keys off my ring. I had to be willing to do anything to keep my marriage.
“Can I take you out to dinner tomorrow?”
She said, “I don’t want to go outside looking like this.”
Her comment was like a lead weight in the room. I had to decide whether to let it go or try to fix it.
“Can I bring the fixings and come over and prepare a meal for you?” I saw a hint of a smile on her lips. I could tell she knew I was trying to make this right.
“We’ll see.”
It wasn’t the answer I was hoping for, but it would have to do. “Do you have a preference?”
“My preference would have been for this not to have happened at all.”
“Darling, if I could take things back, then trust me, I would. But it is what it is, and I am going to do my damnedest to make things right between us again.” I wanted some assurances from her that my efforts would not be in vain, but I guess I was asking for too much.
She just stared at me until I was uncomfortable. As much as I didn’t want to go, I knew that I had to. Opening the door, I paused. There was so much I wanted to say, but every time I looked at Cojo, the words stopped short of my lips.
“I love you.” I waited for a few seconds just to see if she would respond.
She didn’t.
I walked away from the best thing that had ever happened in my life.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
COJO MILLS
I crumbled onto the sofa as the door closed behind Merlin. My body shook uncontrollably as I fought the urge to run to the door and beg him to come back. Vivid images from the last two hours of my life flitted through my mind. It was a nightmare that I didn’t want to relive, but I couldn’t turn it off.
How could I not know who it was I was sleeping with? The thought made me think I didn’t know my husband as well as I thought I did. How come I didn’t even know he had a brother? Questionable thoughts kept coming but the answers evaded me. I wanted answers to stop the feelings of guilt that kept trying to invade my body. I buried my head in the sofa as hot tears came to my eyes. They burned my face, but I could not stop them even if I wanted to. I cried for what we had and what we’d apparently lost. Although I still loved my husband, I didn’t think I would ever be able to look at him the same again.
Rising from the sofa, I went into the kitchen to get some ice for my jaw. It was swollen, and crying wasn’t helping the situation. As I passed the telephone, it rang. My heart skipped a beat as I debated whether to answer it. Part of me hoped it was Merlin calling, but the other part of me wasn’t ready to speak with him, even if it was on the phone.
“Hello?” My voice was barely above a whisper. I cleared my throat and tried it again. “Hello.” My hands gripped the kitchen counter tightly as my knees wobbled.
“Hey, girl, y’all fucking yet?” Tiffany laughed as if she were caught up in her own joke.
“Huh?” I was holding my breath. When I finally exhaled, I saw tiny stars before my eyes.
“Don’t play dumb, girl. Your man was due home today, and I just wanted to interrupt y’ all’s flow for a second and give the man a chance to rest.”
Our phone connection was lousy. I could hear music blasting in the background and what sounded like glasses rattling. “Where are you?”
“At Taboo Two; it’s ladies night and you know I’m a sucker for them free drinks.”
“Oh.”
“Damn, what’s wrong with you? Merlin did make it home, didn’t he?”
“Yeah, he was here.” I debated how much I was willing to tell my inquisitive friend. I loved her and all, but I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about the assault that had happened here tonight and my role in it.
“Whoa, hold up. What do you mean
was
?
Shit, I didn’t mean to say that.
Now she would be all over me like white on rice. “Girl, stop tripping. We’re cool. Just chillin’.” I hoped she couldn’t hear the beating of my heart. If Tiffany knew what really went down, she would have been over here faster than I could hang up the phone, even if she was on the other side of town.
“What’s up, boo? You don’t sound right.”
“Uh . . . I was asleep; a brother wore me out.”
“Shit, I know that’s right. If my man had left me for six months and came back home, I’d be asleep too.” She started giggling.
I couldn’t tell if she was happy for me or if her ass was already drunk from the free liquor. “You’ve got to get a man first.”
Damn.
I knew I had gone too far as soon as the words left my mouth.
Tiffany was a player. She had a different man every day of the week. And so far, it was working for her. She didn’t want for anything. If one man didn’t do her right, she always had a backup waiting to fulfill her needs.
She said, “Hell, don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
She must have been drunk ’cause the Tiffany I knew would have cussed me out for insinuating she was pimping the game.
“Okay, since you interrupted my beauty rest, was there another reason for your call?” I needed to get her off the phone before I started crying again.
“I told you why I called. I just wanted to hear you answer the phone panting and shit. Give the dick a chance to breathe.”
“You’re sick.”
“I love you too.”
I chuckled because if things had worked out differently, she would have interrupted the greatest sex I’d ever had.
“So where is Merlin the magician? I wanna holler at him too.”
Panic set in.
What was I going to tell her? Why must she ask for him at a time like this?
I wanted to tell her to go take a flying leap and mind her fucking business, but deep inside, I knew that she loved him too. “Girl, I worked the nigga over. He’s out cold.”
“That’s what I’m talking ’bout. All right then, I’ll holler later. You two have fun.”
“Thanks, girl. You be careful out there.”
“I’m cool. I’ve got two or three niggas ready to take me home. I’m good.”
“If that was supposed to make me feel better, it didn’t. Don’t go hopping into cars with folks you don’t know. I don’t want to turn on the television in the morning and hear about you”.
“You worry too much. Go back to that sleeping dick in your bed and leave the grown-up stuff to me.” She laughed as she hung up the phone.
Part of me wanted to scream at her and let her know I wasn’t okay, but it was too late. I was alone with my thoughts once again. “Shit. Why didn’t I tell her what happened?” Even as I said the words out loud, I knew why I had kept my silence. If I had told Tiffany what had happened here tonight, she would have arranged to have Merlin killed or seriously fucked up, and she would have never forgiven me if I decided to speak to him again. Truth be told, I didn’t want my marriage to end. Even though I didn’t understand why Merlin took his frustration out on me instead of his brother, I knew he loved me. I just had to find out why he reacted the way he did.
Taking the ice from the frezer, I made my way back into our bedroom. I tried to fight the demons that waited for me inside. The biggest demon was my dresser mirror. It mocked me. Before I could stop myself, I hurled the ice pack at the mirror and it shattered into a million pieces. The shards of glass littering the floor were like the pieces of my life, all broken up.
I collapsed onto our bed as all the anger drained out of me. I’d never felt so lost in my life, and I didn’t know how I was going to be able to go on if I didn’t manage to salvage something of my relationship.
I can’t give up now, Lord.
I wasn’t trying to convince God; I was trying to convince myself. I’d always believed I would never allow a man to put his hands on me, but this had to be an exception to the rule. It wasn’t that he just hit me for the hell of it, he was provoked.
“That shit doesn’t even sound right to me,” I whispered. The fact remained that even though he was upset, taking his anger out on me was not the answer since I clearly was as much of a victim as he was. I buried my face into my pillow, trying to hide from the pain.