CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
COJO MILLS
My fingers were trembling when I hung up the phone. Why did I ever agree to see him tomorrow? I had to remain strong. Merlin had to know that what happened between us was totally unacceptable. He had to know I was not going to tolerate being his punching bag no matter what—I didn’t care what the circumstances were.
He should know I was not the one. I told him I had watched my mother go through it, and I wasn’t interested in following in her footsteps. Compassion nagged at my resolve. I loved Merlin liked I’d loved no other, but I was not going to relive the horror my mother went through. I’d just as soon end up alone for the rest of my life if I was going to travel down that road.
As much as I wanted to believe my husband that this was an isolated incident, I needed some answers from some people who knew him longer than I did. We had dated for a few months when I started going to his school in the twelfth grade, and we married right after graduation.
I picked up the phone, but embarrassment made me hang it up. There was no one in our lives who I was willing to confess my troubles to. Tiffany and Braxton went to school with Merlin long before I did, but I was going to have to deal with this situation all by myself. Hanging up the phone was a humbling experience. Once again I felt alone, and I never thought I would feel that way again when I married Merlin.
I am an only child. My mother died when I was eight. My father remarried when I was twelve, and I lost the love of the only person in life who mattered to me. My dad emotionally abandoned me when he started caring for his new wife. She had three daughters, and I got lost in the sauce. He didn’t turn me out into the streets, but for most of my life, I felt like I was on a deserted island. We moved from Baltimore to Georgia in my senior year, and I found someone to share my island with.
Merlin had thrown me a raft of love, but now I didn’t know if this was a raft of love or of entrapment. Had I set myself up for failure by depending on him? Questions kept ringing in my head as I tried to make heads or tails out of what had happened in our home.
Merlin was a first for me: the first man who I had relations with; the first man who I’d loved; and the only man who I wanted in my life forever. But he showed me a side of him tonight that scared the fuck out of me.
Was I wrong about giving this man my love? This thought replayed in my head like a damn mallet beating against a hollow surface, and each beat hurt like a pointed dagger stuck in my heart. I couldn’t figure out who I was maddest at: Merlin, for not believing that I was deceived by his brother, or Gavin, for taking advantage of my forced celibacy.
“Bitch, please, I will not let you turn this around on me,” I said aloud. Blaming myself would be easy for me. I was always hardest on myself, but this time I hadn’t done anything wrong. I looked around the room as if someone were there to witness my mental breakdown, but thankfully I was alone. My shoulders heaved when I realized I was alone, but my heart hurt when I realized that I was on a deserted island by myself again.
“Dear God, what have I done to deserve this?” I wailed at the ceiling. I buried my head into my pillow. I tried to burrow deep, but my head kept bopping up because I knew in my heart I didn’t do anything to deserve this pain that I was going through.
The phone interrupted my thoughts. I scurried away from it as if answering it would have burned me. Who would be calling me this late? I allowed it to ring two more times before I answered. “Hello.”
Merlin said, “Babe, just in case you’re wondering, I’m at a hotel not far from the house.”
I let his statement hang in the air. If I’d admitted to caring where he was staying, he might get the wrong impression.
“I miss you, baby, I’m so—”
“Save it, Merlin. In fact, let me get off the phone, because talking to you is only making me mad. Call before you come in the morning.” I hung up before he could say anything else, and before I could start crying. It felt like my heart was breaking in pieces.
I threw myself on the bed and had another good cry. I remembered once reading that crying was good for the soul, but I doubt they meant this type of crying. I went through a whole gamut of emotions until I got sick and tired of my damn self.
I pulled myself out of bed and went to take a shower. In the past, showers always refreshed me. While I was bathing, I didn’t think about what I was going to do next, I just went through the motions. I knew that I would not be going to work tomorrow, but I had to do something with my time or I’d go crazy.
I started cleaning up the mess that Merlin made in the bedroom. I wasn’t claiming any of that shit ’cause I wasn’t a part of the deception. As I cleaned, I tried not to think about the violence I saw in my husband that I had never known existed. Without a shadow of a doubt, there was some very bad blood between the brothers. I tried to keep moving so I wouldn’t dwell on the past twenty-four hours.
I changed the sheets on the bed and vacuumed the carpet, getting up the smaller pieces of glass that I was not able to get with my hands. When I shut off the vacuum, I heard the answering machine going in the kitchen.
“Merlin, this is your mother. Pick up the phone.”
I rolled my eyes. The very last person I wanted to hear from at this moment was his meddling mother. Talking to her was bound to make me feel even worse than I felt right at the moment, so I continued to listen to her talk to the machine.
“I know you’re back in town ’cause your brother told me. Now be a good boy and pick up the phone.” She was speaking to the machine as if Merlin were actually standing there ignoring her ass, which he was known to do.
“Merlin, we need to let bygones be bygones. Well, you’re probably busy, but you need to stop by and see me.” She hung up the phone, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
As long as she stayed her ass on the other side of town instead of coming over to our house, I would be all right.
In the six and a half years that Merlin and I had been married, she came to visit one time. She was drunk, and all she did was complain. Most mothers would have been proud to see that their children were doing better than they had, but not Gina. She acted like Merlin owed her the same creature comforts that we’d been able to obtain. I walked into the kitchen to erase the message because I was not about to allow Gina to cause us any more drama.
The next morning I woke figuring I’d fix myself a stiff drink. I needed something strong to help me forget the ass whupping my husband gave me and the thorough fuck his brother laid down.
The doorbell interrupted me. I wasn’t expecting anyone, so I approached the door with caution. My husband and I were not that popular, and we didn’t have a bunch of friends who stopped by unannounced. I tiptoed to the door and peeked through the peephole. I was shocked to see Merlin standing there. I snatched open the door, fire burning in my eyes. “Merlin, I said in the morning, but I didn’t mean the crack of dawn.”
“You trying to make the same mistake twice?” Gavin was grinning at me like we shared some type of special bond. These brothers looked so much alike I couldn’t tell them apart.
I stumbled back from the door, and he took this as an invitation to come inside. He turned and shut the door behind him.
“What are you doing here?” I was very nervous about being alone with Gavin again after our last little encounter. Something happened between my legs that I needed to ignore.
“Merlin told me that I could come by and pick out a few outfits to wear until I get my shit together.”
“Merlin is not here.”
“I gathered that.” He walked over and took a seat on the sofa as if he had every right to be in my house and in my presence.
Any other time I might have found his cockiness appealing, but something about Gavin rubbed me the wrong way. It was like fingernails scratching against a chalkboard. “I don’t remember asking you to come in.”
He sat up from his lounging position with a sinister smirk on his face. “But you didn’t ask me to leave, either.”
I wanted to knock that silly smile right off his face. I could tell that Gavin was used to having his way with women, but he had come against the wrong sister this time. We may have wound up in a compromising position once before, but that shit would never happen again, despite the excitement soaking my panties.
I walked over to the phone to call Merlin. I was not about to play this little game with Merlin’s brother. Keeping my eye on Gavin, I dialed Merlin’s number.
He answered on the first ring. “Baby, I’m so glad you called. I’ve been up all night, and I just can’t get it together. I’ve been so worried about us.”
I still wasn’t ready to have that conversation with my husband, but I needed his help to get his brother out of my house. “Merlin, your brother is here.” I cut right to the chase so there would be no confusion as to the nature of the call.
“He’s what?” Merlin shouted into the phone.
“He’s here in the living room. He claims that you told him to come over today to pick up some clothes?”
“Shit, I forgot about it. He called me last night after we talked last. I’ll be right there.”
I felt better knowing that he was on the way. I hung up the phone, and this time it was me who had a smirk on my face.
“What? You had to call out the troops? If I didn’t know better, sis, I would think you didn’t like me or something.”
I had to fight back the urge to fling my crystal vase at his head. I could tell he liked to get a rise out of people, and I refused to allow him to see me upset again. “Think what you like. My husband will be here soon.”
“Damn, do you want me to wait outside?” He was trying to be funny.
“As far as I’m concerned, you can sit out on the curb with the rest of the garbage.” The remark slipped out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop it. There was just something about this man that brought out the worst in me.
“Ouch, that hurt. I know you’re still mad about yesterday, but can’t we just put it behind us?”
I was outdone. I could not believe he would sit right in my face and say some stupid-ass shit to me after what he did.
The devil whispered in my ear:
But you liked it.
“I’m not going to even dignify your question with a response.” I left him sitting in the living room. I went into the kitchen to make myself something to eat. I wasn’t really hungry, but I was trying to dispel the nervous energy I felt. Regardless of how much I disliked my husband’s brother, I had to give it to him: he knew how to get down in the bedroom. So keeping my distance from him was a very good idea.
I pulled some bacon from the refrigerator and placed several slices on the microwave rack. It wasn’t until I had turned on the microwave, I realized I’d cooked more than I’d intended to fix. It was too late to turn it off, so I went ahead with every intention of making breakfast for my husband.
“You fixin’ some for me too?” Gavin called from the living room.
“When donkeys fly.”
“Now, sis, is that any way to treat your family?” Gavin had snuck up behind me. He was standing so close, I could feel his breath on my neck. Electricity flowed through me and landed between my legs. I grabbed a knife from the dish rack. I was prepared to cut him if I had to.
“Whoa, it’s not that serious.” With his hands in the air, Gavin backed out of the kitchen.
“Either you wait for your brother in the living room or wait outside. The choice is yours.” I punctuated my words with the point of the knife.
“Damn, if I didn’t know better, I would swear you needed some dick in your life.” He made it out of the room before I had a chance to throw the steak knife I was holding tightly in my left hand. I immediately remembered how he’d pinned my legs over his shoulder and gave me every inch of his business. The smell of burnt bacon and the ding of the timer brought me back to my senses. Gavin just didn’t know how close he had come to being a casualty.
Grabbing a hand towel, I removed my breakfast from the microwave and threw it in the trash. I turned on the vent to get rid of the smell and opened the window to allow some fresh air into the house. I had just finished washing up the rack when the doorbell rang. Drying my hands on a towel, I went to answer the door, but to my chagrin, Gavin had beaten me to it.
“What’s up, bro? You lose your key?”
I could see the vein jumping on the side of Merlin’s neck, and I knew I had to do something to diffuse the situation. Walking past Gavin, I gave Merlin a big kiss on his lips. I could feel his body relax against mine.
Merlin closed the door behind him. “How long are you here for?”
“Dag, what is up with y’all? I said I was sorry about yesterday. It was a honest mistake.”
Merlin tried to step past me to get to his brother, but I grabbed his hand and pulled him back. The last thing we needed was a repeat of the day before. Besides, it wouldn’t do anything to make the whole nasty situation disappear.