Secrets of My Hollywood Life #4: Paparazzi Princess (21 page)

"We don't know," admits Dad. "The doctors haven't told us anything yet. They should be in soon."

"You had us really worried," Austin tells me. Even though Mom pushed him, he's still holding my hand. I don't want him to let go.

"Has anyone told the editors at
Sure
that I'm okay? I don't want them to be mad that I ruined their shoot," I say. I feel like I'm going to cry.

"Mad?" Laney repeats. "We're the ones who should be mad. I can't believe Christy interviewed you without me there after I told her she couldn't! Then she let those morons into the shoot! I am never working with that magazine again." She pauses. "That is, unless they apologize for what happened and make it up to you in a major way with an offer for several well-timed covers."

"Even if they were upset, the ambulance and police arriving wiped away any ill feelings, I'm sure," Mom adds. "The press is usually very sympathetic about hospital visits -- as long as it's for a good reason and not drugs."

Seth rolls his eyes. "Not everything has to be a publicity stunt."

"I'm not using my daughter for publicity!" Mom snaps.

The two of them start to bicker, but they are interrupted by a light knock on the door. A young doctor in a white lab coat walks in and everyone gets quiet.

"Hi, Kaitlin," he says. "I'm Doctor Callahan. Would you like to talk in private?"

I shake my head. "Anything you have to say, you can say in front of them." I'm so nervous, I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Doctor Callahan nods. "The good news is you're fine," he tells me.

Thank God! I can't die before I get my driver's license. Or my first Oscar.

"We ran a few tests and everything came back normal," he adds.

"Then what's wrong with me?" I ask shakily. "This afternoon I felt like I couldn't breathe, my heartbeat was out of control, I felt woozy, and everything looked blurry." I glance at my starched, white hospital sheets. "Some of this has, um, happened to me before, but never this bad."

"It has?" Dad asks. "How come you didn't say anything?" I look away.

Doctor Callahan smiles gently. "What you had, Kaitlin, was a panic attack. They're extremely frightening, especially if you don't know what one is. But strange as it might sound, a panic attack is actually your body's way of protecting you from harm."

A panic attack? That's all it was? What I felt was so scary. "What causes a panic attack?" I want to know.

"Well, they can be brought on by a number of things," says Dr. Callahan thoughtfully. "They usually occur around periods of sudden stress or fear, moments where you sense a loss of control, life transitions, avoidance of panic-provoking situations or environments. Have you been experiencing more anxiety, or has anything stressed you out lately?" he asks.

"Don't look at me!" Mom freaks out on everyone before I can answer. "I didn't know the demo would be stolen. Seth promised to get it back."

"How am I going to tell the press she's in the hospital because of a panic attack?" Laney wonders out loud. "A panic attack makes her sound like she doesn't have her act together."

Laney has a point. How am I going to face everyone at work and tell him or her I was hospitalized for a panic attack? Doesn't it make me sound weak? I'm sure pictures of me being rushed to the hospital are all over the Web already. I'm completely embarrassed.

Everyone in the room starts talking at once. They're yelling at each other and the noise is deafening. Nadine is yelling at herself. Seth is yelling at Mom about my demo tape. (From what I can make out, a disgruntled assistant, mad at TJ, released it to radio. She's since been fired.) Laney and Dad are screaming about who is responsible for my partying and how they're going to handle the situation in the press. I hear Mom say something like, "I had my own tabloid nightmare to attend to!" Matty, Austin, and Rodney are just looking on in bewilderment.

Before things get any uglier, I've got to get control of the room.

"GUYS, STOP!" I yell and they actually listen.

"I'll give you all a few minutes," Doctor Callahan says. He looks freaked out. "But I ask that you not upset Kaitlin. She needs rest."

"You have to calm down," I say sternly when Doctor Callahan has shut the door behind him. "You can't blame each other. This whole thing is my fault."

"That is true," Mom sniffles. "It's not like
we
caused you to have a panic attack."

Ouch! "You certainly added to the problem," I say defensively. "I've been feeling all of the things Doctor Callahan mentioned for a while now." That gets their attention so I keep going. "
FA
is ending and I guess I just wanted to mourn the loss before I moved on to something new, but the minute we got back from vacation, everything started happening so fast I couldn't get a grip on things. All of you wanted me to pick a new project and had your own ideas of where my career should go next. I was studying for the SATs, doing all these interviews, hearing how important my paycheck was to this family, and not once did anyone ask me what
I
wanted to do, or give me a choice. You even kidnapped me for my meeting with Seth!" I remind them, staring at Mom and Dad, who look away guiltily. "All I wanted was a little breathing room.
FA
has been my second home since before I could ride a bike," I say quietly. "It's not so easy to wrap your head around leaving that."

"You should have said something," Nadine whispers.

"I didn't think I had to," I point out. "So when no one noticed, or cared that I was upset, I took out my anger on my credit card. I was so tired of being bullied that I did the only thing I could do without any of your say -- I shopped and partied."

"Shopped is an understatement," Mom says and raises her right eyebrow. "I got your credit card statement this morning. Your bill was over four thousand dollars!"

Yikes. Is it really that high? "I'll pay you back," I promise.

"Couldn't you have found a different way to take out your anger with us?" Laney wants to know. "Lauren and Ava are bad news! The press has been all over this story. No one can understand why a good girl like you would hang out with the likes of them."

"I wasn't thinking clearly, I know, but at the time, I felt like Lauren and Ava were the only ones who were listening to me." My eyes glaze with tears. "You were all so busy, that the only ones I could turn to were Austin and the girls. I needed you and you all disappeared."

Mom starts to cry. "Maybe I was wrong," she says. "This whole thing
is
my fault. I should have been monitoring what you've been up to, but I was so busy dealing with my own fallout that I didn't pay attention.
Fashionistas
is right. I am a momager."

"You're not a momager," I tell her gently. "I know you're just looking out for me," I hesitate, "but sometimes you get a little one-track-minded."

"That's an understatement," Seth says, and then feeling guilty he puts his arm around Mom. She smiles.

"This is our fault too," Dad says, sounding upset. "I can see now that we put too much pressure on you. I guess at the end of the day some of us were worried about the end of
FA
too and what it meant for all of our futures. You've supported this family for a long time, and I feel guilty that a weight like that has been on your shoulders."

"I don't want you guys to blame yourselves," I tell Dad and the others. "Yes, I've been angry, but I should have been angry with myself. I know I've made a mess of things by not telling you all the truth. I just hope it isn't too late to fix things." I thumb at the hospital sheet nervously. "I
do
want to take my career to the next level. I just don't want to go full speed ahead and forget everything that's gotten me this far. You guys have to give me a little room to breathe." I laugh bitterly. "But who am I kidding? This isn't what I want. This is about what directors and casting agents want. I'm not sure I'm good at anything other than playing Sam."

"What are you talking about?" Laney demands. "You do movies all the time and none of them pigeonholed you!"

"Directors have wanted me to play roles opposite of Sam because Sam still existed on
Family Affair
," I point out. "Now that Sam's gone, everyone will want me to re-create her. I'm going to be typecast as Sam for life. She's what I'm good at."

"You're kidding, right?" Matty asks. "Kates, I would kill to have your problems. You have a big TV show, you're a huge star and now your show is being cancelled and you're afraid no one will let you play anyone other than Sam. Boo hoo."

Ouch.

"Matthew," Dad says sternly. "That's not nice to say to your sister. She's upset."

"This happens all the time in Hollywood," Matty explains to my dad. "Shows end, good films bomb at the theater. But people move on, and Kaitlin has to too. No matter how scared she is."

My hands begin to sweat. My pulse races again. I do not want to have another panic attack. "I'm not . . . scared," I lie. "I just want time to grieve."

"You're scared," Matty says firmly. "You're scared to embrace anything other than Sam. Well, you have no choice, do you? But that's okay. You can do it, Kates. You're a great actress. We've always believed in you." He smiles. "It's about time you believed in yourself."

Aww, Matty! I never thought of it that way. Maybe I have been hiding behind my fears for too long. "Matt, I feel like I should pay you for a therapy session," I say with a small grin. "That was a great pep talk."

Matty blushes. "I've wanted to say that to you for a week, but I didn't have the guts. That's why I've been leaving all those articles under your door."

No way! I was sure it was Nadine! "That was you?"

He nods. "Even if you didn't want to see what was really going on, I did and I wanted you to know someone was watching."

"I'm sorry if you thought we were pushing you," says Seth. "We only want what's best for you. As hard as you think it is to move on emotionally, it's even harder to find another great project. We wanted to give you as many options as we could."

"I know, Seth," I tell him.

"Image is everything in this town, Kaitlin, and I'm not going to lie to you," Seth says. "Your behavior the past few weeks has been a problem."

I have a sinking feeling in my stomach.

"The director of
Manolos
called last night," Seth explains. "They said they're going in a new direction with the title character. They want a serious star. I told them you were one and you were just going through a rough patch, but they wouldn't listen. I think they felt you were too immature to play the character."

I want to cry. My fear of growing up has cost me the chance to play the title character from one of my favorite books. I'm so ashamed of myself.

Seth grimaces. "And that pilot you liked about Alaska actually went with another actress because they couldn't wait any longer to meet with you."

My stomach hurts. "Who'd they go with?" I have to know.

Seth clears his throat. "They went with Sky Mackenzie," he says quietly.

"WHAT?" I shriek.

"Burke, stay calm," Austin tells me. "You don't want to have another attack."

"Sky changed her mind about
I Hate You
," Seth says. "Or the director changed his mind. I'm not sure. But Sky met with the Alaska show people last week, charmed the pants off of them and now she's doing the pilot. I have to say, it's a real role reversal for her. It should do wonders for her career if it gets picked up."

I feel woozy. My hands begin to tingle and I wipe my brow. I've been so anti-new job that Sky got an offer for the pilot that I actually liked! The news hits me like a ton of bricks. I am not going to be on a TV show anymore. I won't be on a set every day. I blew all my TV prospects.

"So Kaitlin has nothing lined up?" Mom's voice is shrill.

I have no job. NO job. What am I going to do everyday? Be tutored at home? Look at what a mess I've made. My show is ending and instead of fielding offers, I'm avoiding the press and getting jobs taken away from me. I've got to take control of my life before I lose any more projects that could be good for me. "I guess the people from
Meeting of the Minds
moved on to someone else too, right?" I ask quietly.

"Actually, no," Seth says and I feel my heart soar for a moment. "They had to look at a few other people this weekend, but they promised me they'd have an answer for you this week." He smiles. "I think you have a good shot at that one."

Mom, who has hated the idea of a play from day one, actually sounds excited. "New York would be fun for a few months," she says encouragingly.

"Okay, this has all been very touching," Laney says, "but we're getting off track. First, we've got to come up with a game plan to fix Kaitlin's reputation." She paces the room. "I have to release a statement." She looks at Seth. "We'll say, 'Kaitlin became overheated at the
Sure
photo shoot and fainted.' We can say that the room was really hot and Kaitlin was dehydrated and that's why she passed out. We'll add that she is thankful to her fans for their support."

"Why do publicists always use the word thankful in their releases?" Matty asks.

HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER THIRTEEN: There's probably not a day that goes by that a publicist doesn't have to issue a statement on behalf of one of their clients. Whether a star is getting married, divorced, separated, having a baby, or apologizing for a feud, there's only so many ways you can word it. If a phrase works -- "we're saddened," "we're thrilled," "we're ecstatic," "we're overjoyed" -- then why not keep using it? That's what Laney has realized. She stockpiles several statements and just adjusts the wording to fit each new situation.

"We'll get
Sure
to give you an exclusive about fainting on the set and how important it is to drink water," Laney says, with a glimmer in her eye. "That's the least they can do."

"Maybe we can get Kaitlin an interview with Oprah about it too!" Mom suggests.

"Um, are you sure dehydrated doesn't sound bogus?" I am skeptical about this. The lie seems as thin as Laney's smile.