Saving Amy (17 page)

I stood alone in Richard’s study feeling altogether dazed for a few minutes before it hit me. Florida. Julie was in Florida! The thought injected my mind with a rush of pure excitement and I found myself wondering (and hoping) that I would get a chance to see her. I had no idea how big the state of Florida was but surely it was small enough for us to be relatively near her wherever we were staying?

With Julie in my head I felt spurred on to pack my things and I rushed straight to the bedroom to rifle through my clothes. I considered texting her but eventually decided against it, not wanting to get her (or my) hopes up until I knew what Richard had planned for us. His conference was three days away after all and so I pondered why we were leaving so early, feeling flutters of nervous excitement as I tried to imagine what he could have in store for us.

After laying out a selection of clothes on the bed – something for all weathers and eventualities – I eyed them up expectantly. Most of them were ridiculously over-priced and an emotion I couldn’t quite place flooded the pit of my stomach. Did I feel lucky? Guilty? Unworthy? All three? Whatever it was unsettled me but I didn’t have the time or patience to get into an argument with my subconscious so I quickly folded the first clothes I came to and stuffed them into a small grey suitcase from under the bed.

Next, I headed to the bathroom armed with an empty vanity case. I froze as I reached into the shower to pick out toiletries from the notably stocked shelves after being interrupted by the sound of the apartment buzzer. I briefly remembered Richard saying something about a delivery so I picked up the receiver in the hall and hit the button to unlock the entrance without checking who it was.

The knock came faster than expected and I was starting to feel intrigued. Richard didn’t mention what his delivery actually was and my nosey subconscious was eager to find out. But then it could be in a plain, unrevealing box and I would be none the wiser. I couldn’t open it – it wasn’t for me. Or could I? How would I have felt if he’d opened
my
mail? I was pretty sure I wouldn’t care – there was nothing I couldn’t share with him.

Another knock came – fervent and impatient this time, snapping me out of my pathetic pondering and sending me dashing down the long hallway.

Oh shit.

Instinctively I stumbled back a step when I saw Joanna standing tall, smug and completely unwelcome opposite me.

“Richard isn’t here,” I said a little snappier than intended – though in hindsight not snappy enough. She hadn’t even spoken yet and I was fully riled.

“I know. It was you I came to see.” My breath stuttered and I couldn’t begin to fathom what she could possibly want with
me
but I suspected I wasn’t going to like it. “Can I come in?” she asked instead of barging straight through like she would if Richard was here.

If you must.

Stepping to one side, I gestured her through with my hand. She sauntered past me in her ivory pantsuit and slut-red heels and headed straight into the living room where she flopped down onto the corner-suite as if she owned the place.

“Can I get you a drink?” I felt obliged to ask. As much as I wanted to slap that haughty, caked-in-too-much-make-up face, I endeavoured to remain civil for Richard’s sake. For some absurd reason that I couldn’t even begin to comprehend… he liked her.

“Let’s cut the crap, Amelia. We both know you wish I wasn’t here.”

Woah…

It was the first time the narcissistic bitch had talked to me like that and looking into her spiteful eyes it was difficult to believe this was the same supposedly caring counsellor who was first introduced to me as an offer of support. Jaw open, I simply stood there – stunned.

“But that’s the problem isn’t it? I
am
here... And I’m not going anywhere,” she continued. My
fist was clenched so tightly by my side
that my nails felt like they were trying to draw blood from my fleshy palm. Trying to remain calm (outwardly at least) I hid it behind my back to stop me flinging it straight into her face. What in hell was her problem?

“Look, Joanna, I know you don’t approve of me and Richard…” She forced out an exaggerated laugh. I let it go. “But I really don’t understand why you’ve taken such a dislike to me. I’ve done
nothing
to you.” I was trying out the nicety-nice approach and I was secretly rather proud of the restraint I managed to hold.

“You really can’t see it can you?” I shrugged at her. She was confusing the hell out of me and I wished she’d just get to the point. “You know Richard and I had a relationship?” she asked and I could tell by the smug tone in her voice that she thought it was a revelation.

“Yes. He’s told me all about his past,” I replied feeling rather superior – it sent that conceited grin flying straight off her face.

“Well then you will know how much he means to me. I don’t want him to get hurt, Amelia. And you
will
hurt him, sooner or later.” I was shocked into silence. How could I possibly respond to that? My heart was racing, my blood simmering into a slow boil and my tears felt like acid as they stung the back of my eyes.

“Look, you have so many issues, so many problems. I imagine you think they’ve all gone away now you’ve been given a bit of attention and flashed a bit of cash…”
What the fuck!
“But believe me they haven’t. I see tens of young girls like you every day in my profession and I can assure you, one man can’t erase your past and you’re extremely naïve if you think he can.”

Holy shit, this was all so unexpected and I was lost in the violent thud of my heartbeat. It pounded so hard against my ribs it physically weakened me and I lowered myself down onto the four-seater before I collapsed. Words failed me and I sat in an overwhelmed silence, staring unseeingly around the vast room.

“What you have now can’t last. You must know that. This isn’t who you are. This isn’t where you’re from. And next time you need a ‘quick fix’ or Daddy comes knocking to take his anger out on you, who do you think will suffer?
Richard…
that’s who.”

After what seemed like an hour – though in reality it was probably two minutes – I breathed a sigh of relief, assuming her tirade was over. Turned out she was just catching her breath.

“You’re allowing him to develop these, quite frankly, insane feelings for you and the longer this goes on the harder it’s going to be for him when you let him down.”

She was still talking but I couldn’t hear her. My subconscious seemed fixated on the fact that Richard had told her about my father. I felt betrayed.
And angry.
And… guilty.
Deep down in the depths of my unsettled heart I knew everything she had to say was the truth. But I also knew I was too selfish to let Richard go. I needed him.

“I want you to leave,” I muttered solemnly as I rose from the couch, pointing towards the door. Surrendering her hands, she stood up to leave – but not before issuing me with one final blow.

“I know you think you love him, but if you did you’d let him go. You’d let him be with someone he deserves – someone who can give him something back.” Then, with one last penetrating glare, she turned sharply on her heels and left.

What the fuck just happened?

Hibernating under the thick, satin covered duvet I relived my unexpected encounter over and over again. The bitch made sense and I didn’t know who I hated more –
her
, or myself. Emotions from every corner of my heart were tearing through my body. It hurt so badly and I wanted it out. I
needed
it out before I imploded.

Since the second the door slammed behind Joanna my subconscious had been torturing me with images of sharp blades and gaping flesh. I craved the feeling I knew such destruction would bring – distraction, forgetfulness, numbness…

But I couldn’t. Not now. I would have to keep it locked away and let it shred me to pieces on the inside instead. The saddest – or sickest – part of it is I was almost disappointed I wasn’t patching up a wound right now and the simple fact was, if I thought I could do it without Richard noticing, my legs would have been in ribbons.

The sanctimonious bitch said I was naïve – right again it would seem. I had genuinely and foolishly started to believe I could leave my past precisely there. Before I met Richard I didn’t think I was capable of love, or being loved. But now I knew I was and the feeling was so powerful I’d convinced myself I could tackle anything with love as my armour.

That theory had been blown straight out of the window now though. The first whiff of an uncomfortable emotion and I had to truss myself so tightly in my quilt just to stop my twitching fingers reaching for the first sharp object I came to. In fact, all that was missing right now was the sound of my mom’s piercing cries.

Realisation hit me unbearably hard. I was the same fucked-up girl I always was only now I was dragging Richard down with me. The thought made me sob violently into my pillow – the plump feathers masking the wails that came with so much force I struggled to breathe.

He deserved so much more…

“Amy?
Amy?
” Richard nudged my shoulder and I began to stir. “Baby what are you doing, we have to leave for the airport in an hour!” he mock scolded as I rubbed my puffy eyes with my knuckles. “What is it? What’s wrong?” His playful mood shifted abruptly into panic when he saw I’d been crying.

“That’s what’s wrong,” I muttered, my voice hoarse. “You’re always so worried about me. I mean, I could’ve just stubbed my toe, watched a sad movie, or got my
period which
has turned me into a hormonal monster… But you always assume something terrible has happened. I can see the fire of panic spark up behind your eyes if you ever catch me post-tears.” I watched, guilt-ridden as his face crumpled in front of me. I was hurting him already. How did I not see this coming? More to the point, how did
she?

“Of course I worry about you. I love you!”

“It’s more than that,” I replied sorrowfully, shaking my head. He joined me on the bed, sitting on the edge and clutching my hand so tightly it almost stung. “You panic in case I’ve seen my dad, or cut myself, or taken something… And I can’t blame you for thinking any of those things. That’s who I am. I’m fucked up – screwed in the head… and you shouldn’t have to waste your life second guessing my every emotion to try and stop me hurting myself.”

The tears were flowing freely now and I suspected it was because I was about to give up the most wonderful thing that’d ever happened to me.

“Where the hell has all this come from? Have you no idea what you mean to me at all? You can’t if you can spout shit like this,” he said almost angrily, vigorously rubbing his forearm. I was frustrating him and I hated it. “Something’s happened. You were fine when I left this morning. What aren’t you telling me, Amy?” he demanded. Bossy Doctor had taken over and my mouth felt compelled to answer him before my brain had chance to think about it.

“
Joanna
came by earlier.” Richard sighed heavily and rolled his eyes, seeming utterly exasperated – yet
not
altogether surprised.

“Look here,” he ordered gently, using his taught finger to raise my quivering chin and forcing my gaze to meet his. “You take no notice of
anything
she said to you. I’ll deal with her later.” In that moment I knew they had already exchanged some not-so-friendly words about me, and I was damn sure he knew exactly what she had to say to me earlier too.

But now
I
was frustrated. I didn’t want him to
deal
with her later. I didn’t want him to deal with her at all. I’d rather he just forgot all about her – forever.

“She knows nothing about us or what we have. She had no right to confront you,” he continued and I knew he was trying to reassure me. It didn’t work…

“She knows plenty,” I snapped, causing his eyebrow to shoot up like he had no idea what I was talking about. “You told her about my dad. I didn’t think you’d tell
anyone
about that… you promised me.” A surge of sickening guilt pulsed through my veins as I watched him drop his head into his hands, and then drag his palms down as if he was smoothing out a Play-Doh model. I detested myself for putting such pressure on him, but of all the people in the world he could confide in – he chose
her.

“You’re right, and I’m so,
so
sorry. Joanna is my oldest friend, she knew something was bothering me and I guess she just caught me at a weak moment. Though I trust her implicitly – you can be sure it will go no further.” I didn’t believe that for a second. I could see through the scheming bitch even if he couldn’t.

I wanted to be so angry with him – how selfish was that? I wanted to hate him for not hating
her.
But when he wrapped his protective arms around me and pulled me into his chest, I melted. The warmth of his body absorbed all traces of unstable emotion and injected my veins with pure need – sheer desire to have him hold me and never let me go. I loved him. I loved him too much to let him go. Like I said – selfish.

“I wanted to cut before,” I whispered so faintly I hoped he would and wouldn’t hear me in equal measure. Despite feeling physically ill with shame, I wanted to give the talking thing a try. Not only did I want to be able to share every part of me with Richard, I would give anything a try in the hope that one day I could be ‘normal’. He released his hold of me and rested his hands on my shoulders. He’d definitely heard me. “I thought that part of me had… I don’t know… gone.”