Releasing Me (8 page)

I closed my eyes and nodded in understanding as the words effortlessly fell from my lips.
“
You’re letting go.
”

*

Journal Day 38

Grateful for the beautiful view of the pristine aquamarine waters of the Mediterranean and of course, Elena.

Journal Day 39

Grateful for wicker rockers, hot tea, and Elena.

Elena’s health quickly started to decline within the first couple of days after arriving at the villa. It was as if her body knew she had reached her final destination and it no longer had to be strong. Her back pain worsened by the day, and she vomited at night. Fruit was about the only thing that tasted good to her or that stayed down. By the end of our first week, she looked at least ten pounds lighter and an equal many years older. I made herbal teas to help with the nausea and to help her sleep.

Journal Day 44

Grateful for exhaustion and Elena.

Every day I suggested we call the hospice nurse to come stay with us, but Elena insisted she wasn’t ready for that yet. The pain and nausea would eventually wear her out and she would collapse into a sleep. Every time she closed her eyes I wondered if it was for the last time. She never gave me instructions as to how she expected me to break the news to her family, so every time she opened her eyes a wave a relief came over me.

Journal Day 50

Grateful for hospice and Elena.

After twenty-four hours without sleep, Elena allowed me to call the hospice nurse. Within an hour of her arrival, Elena was medicated and comfortably sleeping.

Journal Day 51

Grateful for pain medication and Elena.

Elena seemed to rally after she awoke, but the nurse informed me that it wouldn’t last long. Elena stayed in bed, propped up with extra pillows and a yellow and white floral quilt over her lap. I sat cross legged on the other side of the bed. We spent the afternoon talking, laughing, and crying. Before she agreed to more pain medication, she asked me to retrieve some envelopes from her bag. There were five: one for each of her kids, one for her sister, and one with my name on it.

“
Please give those to my family,
”
she said in a weak, raspy voice.

I looked at the one with my name on it.

“
Don’t open it, not until––
”
She looked out the window at the water for a few moments.
“
Tell me, Addy.
”

“
Tell you what?
”

“
Tell me what happened to you.
”

I tilted my head and shrugged.
“
I don’t understand what you mean.
”

She looked at me and reached her hand out to hold mine.
“
Yes, you do.
”

My tears came before my words, they always did, but I told her. I told her everything. It felt like I was reliving it, cutting me open and my heart bleeding out to her, as though I was dying with her. She said nothing, she did nothing, not one word, not one tear. My eyes were almost swollen shut by the time I finished. I felt her softly squeeze my hand. Then I wiped my eyes and opened them just as she was closing hers … for the last time.

*

Somewhere in the world Quinn was likely in a drunken stupor after putting in half a day’s worth of work. Alexis might have been picking her kids up from school, and Chase was probably cruising home in his fancy sports car. With one phone call, their lives were forever altered.

“
Hey, Chase.
”

“
Addy, is that you?
”
he responded with hopeful enthusiasm.

“
Yeah, it’s me.
”
I tried to bring life to my voice, but it was a futile attempt.

“
You’re the last person I expected to hear from. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you called, but—
”

“
Chase,
”
I interrupted.

“
Yeah, what’s up? You don’t sound so good. Is everything okay?
”

The hospice nurse had made arrangements to have Elena’s body taken from the villa. I hadn’t moved from the bed since she died. I ran my hand over the empty spot where she had lain just hours earlier. The familiar numbness had spread through my body and the echoing rhythm of my lonely heart beating was all I could hear.

“
Addy? Are you still there?
”

“
It’s Elena, she––
”
The words were choking me.

“
Mom? What about her?
”
His voice was slow and cautious.

“
Her … um … her cancer came back.
”

“
What? How do you know? Who told you she had cancer? Why are
you
calling me? Where’s my mom?
”
He sounded confused and overwhelmed.

“
She called me several weeks ago and told me everything.
”

“
Why’d she call you? I don’t understand—
”

“
Chase! Please, just listen.
”
We were both silent for a moment, then I took a deep breath.

Deep breath
…
I am peaceful, I am strong.

“
Her cancer came back, but this time it had spread to her liver. She didn’t want to go through treatment and she knew you and her sister wouldn’t understand. She asked me to bring her here.
”

“
Here? My mom’s in Milwaukee?
”

“
No, I brought her to … Valencia.
”

“
What? Addy where is she? This is bullshit. There’s no way I’m going to let her die. The chemo worked before, it will work again. I’ll do whatever it takes, but I’m not going to let her give up. I’m coming to get her. Where is she?
”
His words were desperate and frantic.

“
Chase, she didn’t want treatment, she just wanted to––
”

“
Doesn’t! She
doesn’t
want treatment, stop talking like she’s already––
”

“
Chase …
”

“
No! Don’t you dare say it!
”
he yelled through his cracked voice.

His sobs sparked a new wave of tears trailing down my face. I didn’t say anything, there was nothing left to say. I patiently waited for him to speak again.

“
Where is she now?
”
he eventually asked.

“
The undertaker took her about an hour ago. I’ll text you the information.
”

“
Addy?
”

“
Yes?
”

“
Did she suffer?
”
The weak shaky tone to his voice was so fragile.

“
No.
”

CHAPTER EIGHT

Chase agreed to
call everyone else and explain what had happened. Later that night he drove to the villa. He wanted to see where his mom spent her last weeks. When he arrived he told me more about her first bout with cancer and the agony he went through keeping it from Quinn and Alexis. I told him about her last weeks at the villa and our conversations about her children. He wept in my arms like a little boy, and I hoped somehow he could feel his mother’s love in my embrace.

I handed him the envelopes Elena had left for him, his aunt, and his siblings. He held them with a delicate touch, as if he didn’t know what to do with them. I couldn’t blame him. I still hadn’t read the letter she left for me, and I had no idea how long it would take me to find the courage. Before leaving, he suggested I come stay at his aunt’s with him and his siblings until after the funeral, but I gratefully declined, opting to stay at the villa instead. It was going to take everything I had left in me to be near Quinn during the funeral. Staying under the same roof was not an option.

*

Journal Day 53

Grateful for my beautiful mother who brought me into this world 33 years ago today. I miss her every single day. Grateful for Elena, who loved me like a daughter. I will miss her too, every day.

Most days I chose to believe in randomness. Otherwise, I would’ve been forced to believe that fate was cruel and karma vengeful. It was my birthday. I was supposed to be in Chicago with Mac and Evan. We’d planned a day of sailing, dinner at my favorite restaurant, and Mac’s awesome carrot cake. Instead, I was slipping into a black sleeveless sheath dress with a belted waist and cowl-neck. I slid my feet into a pair of black heels and inspected myself in the mirror.

Too much black.

I debated putting my hair up in a tight bun, but decided to leave my long blonde waves down. As I was putting on lip gloss, my phone rang.

“
Hey, Mac.
”

“
Happy Birthday, my dear friend.
”

“
Thanks.
”

“
My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine how you’re managing to cope. Your birthdays will forever be bittersweet. Wish I were there with you.
”

Me too.

“
I’ll be fine. I dressed myself, so that’s a start. Right?
”

Mac practically had to dress me like a young child for my parents’ funeral and then again after the fire.

“
You’ve come a long way. What are you wearing?
”

“
I think my official funeral dress. It’s pretty old, but as you know I can’t remember the details.
”

“
Black sheath, sleeveless, belt?
”

“
Yep. Awfully pathetic, huh?
”

“
I don’t think anyone will recognize it.
”
She laughed, but then her voice fell serious again.
“
Can you do this?
”

I sighed.
“
I can. I don’t want to, but I can. Considering I flew my ex-fiancé’s mother to Spain, watched her slowly die over the past few weeks, all while her kids were completely oblivious to her condition or even her location … I think the funeral, in every sense of the word, is just an afterthought.
”

“
You know that’s not what I’m talking about.
”

“
I know, you mean Quinn.
”

“
He might not be too happy to see you … you know, given the events of the past few weeks.
”

“
The past few weeks? Try the past five months. It doesn’t matter. It’s not like I’m going to be sitting next to him, and when it’s over I’m packing up and catching the first flight home.
”

“
Why is Elena not being buried in New York next to Lucas?
”

“
Chase said Elena’s parents had purchased plots for her and her sister next to theirs. I guess it’s a family thing.
”

“
Well, I love you. Promise me you’ll do something that involves a small bit of indulgence on your birthday, okay?
”

“
I’d say I’m going to drown in a bottle of wine on the plane if I can get a flight out tonight. However, Quinn and his drinking problem have sort of ruined that fun for me.
”

“
Oh, Addy. This too will pass. Safe travels, sweetie. We’ll have a belated party when you get home.
”

“
Thanks, Mac. See you soon.
”

*

The sun made an appearance that day in Valencia. The temperature was fair with a slight breeze. When the cab driver dropped me off in front of the Catholic cathedral, I was in awe. A massive architectural masterpiece with grandeur height, flying buttresses, and pointed archways, it wasn’t the cathedral that had my attention, it was the enormous sea of people making their way inside. I started to think that maybe Elena was famous. The crowd was representative of something one might expect for a celebrity, royalty, or dignitary.

As more people continued to line up behind me, I felt swallowed up by the crowd. Normally my claustrophobia would have consumed me, but feeling lost in the crowd was comforting. I felt hidden and protected. My shoulders relaxed and my fidgety hands stilled as a wave of relief washed over me and eased my anxiety over seeing Quinn. In fact, the chances of making any sort of eye contact with him seemed slim at best.

After I received my program, I was ushered to my seat. Maybe it was fate or divine intervention, but I owed some higher power a debt of gratitude for my seat which was at the back and away from the aisle, surrounded by strangers and nicely hidden from the Cohen family. I double checked to make sure my phone was silenced and then read through the long program. Occasionally glancing up, I scanned the crowd to see if I recognized anyone. The front of the large cathedral felt like the distance of a football field away from where I sat. Checking my watch, I assumed the family would be seated soon, and my heart pounded in anticipation of seeing them, especially Quinn. The music changed and everyone stood as the family made their way to the front of the church followed by the casket. Alexis and Mitch were first with Ethan and Ellen in tow. Next were Chase and Quinn. Chase was on my side of the aisle, partially blocking my view of Quinn. When I got a quick glimpse of his profile, I noticed his bearded face. He kept his head down so I couldn’t make out any expression on it before he passed and then his back was to me until he fell out of view.

After we were seated, I reached into my purse and pulled out Elena’s rosary and wrapped it around my hand.

Do you see this Elena? All of these people are here to say goodbye to you. You will forever be missed.

By the end of the opening rites, I was in my own meditative state. I couldn’t recall what was said or who said it. My mind drifted to a place of comfort, a state of peace. Time vanished in what seemed like an instant. The next thing I recalled was the casket being carried out followed by the family. But all I saw was Quinn. Then, as though he knew precisely where I was in the large crowd of hundreds of people, he looked up as he passed my row and his eyes met mine. It was only for a brief moment, but it was undeniable. He was looking at me and only me.

Desperately, I wished I could skip the burial and get the first available cab to take me back to the villa. I wanted out of Valencia, I wanted out of Spain, I wanted out of the misery of seeing Quinn and his family mourn the loss of Elena.

But I stayed. I promised myself I would see this through out of respect for Elena. As I phoned for a cab, I laughed at myself. How many billionaires traveled by cab to funerals and burials? Probably just one … me. When I was pushed out the front doors by the crowd, I moved to the side and stood in a shaded area of grass, shifting my weight to my toes so my heels didn’t sink into the ground. Suddenly a large hand gripped my arm. I jumped and turned.

“
Chase, jeez you scared me!
”
I hugged him.
“
Hanging in there?
”

He shrugged his shoulders.
“
I’ll be better when this day is over. Anyway, where were you?
”

“
What do you mean?
”

“
During the service, you should have been seated up front with us.
”

“
Uh … no. I’m not family.
”

“
You’re the person my mother chose to be with when she died. If that doesn’t make you family, then I don’t know what does. So let’s go.
”
He grabbed my hand and started to pull me with him.

I tugged on him to stop.
“
Go where?
”

“
The cemetery.
”

“
I already called a cab.
”

“
There is no way you’re going to ride in a cab at the back of the processional to my mother’s burial. Let’s go.
”

I tugged again.
“
But Quinn and Alexis—
”

“
Alexis, Mitch, and the kids are riding together. It’s just me and Quinn.
But
before you say anything, Quinn knows I came to find you, so don’t worry about him. Besides, he’s a bit preoccupied.
”

I reluctantly quit resisting and followed him.
“
What do you mean by preoccupied?
”

“
Let’s just say he has more than one flask hidden in his suit pockets.
”

*

The windows to the Rolls Royce Limousine were heavily tinted, but I knew who was waiting on the inside, and my nerves were on edge. The driver opened the door and Chase motioned for me to get in first.

Deep breath
…
I am peaceful, I am strong.

Quinn was on the far side facing the front, so I sat in the opposite corner facing the back. He peered out his window and didn’t so much as look in my direction to acknowledge me. Chase sat next to him, opposite of me. He glanced over at Quinn then back at me. I smiled nervously then he leaned forward and squeezed my hand.

“
I’m
glad you’re here. Okay?
”
He winked at me.

Unable to speak past the lump in my throat, I simply returned the hand squeeze and nodded.

The drive to the cemetery was agonizingly slow. I couldn’t stop glancing over at Quinn as he kept his head turned away from me. He looked like a different person with a full beard and longer hair. I had flashbacks of shaving his scruffy face in the bathtub after his accident. He wasn’t speaking to me then either, but I felt responsible for him.

Those days were over. He was no longer my responsibility, but nothing could make me stop caring for him. In his right hand he held a stainless steel flask and the lid in his left. When we reached the cemetery, he tipped back the last of it and tossed the empty container on the floor. As the driver opened his door, Quinn spoke.

“
Well, let’s bury the dead so we can get the hell out of here.
”
He looked at Chase.
“
You bringing my leftovers? I hear she puts out.
”

Chase wasted no time pinning Quinn to the back of the seat by his neck.

“
You shut the fuck up! If I hear you disrespect our mother or Addy again, I’ll make sure you leave the country in worse shape than you did last time. So get your drunken ass out of the car and try and act like a semblance of the human being you used to be.
”

Chase released Quinn and both men adjusted their suit coats and ties before exiting the limo. Quinn shot me a quick glance as I stepped out, but I avoided his gaze as Chase put his arm around my waist and led me away.

When the service was over, Chase wanted a few minutes alone, so I went back to the limo. I opened the door and found Quinn sprawled out in his seat with his jacket off, tie loosened, and the top buttons of his shirt undone. He was holding another flask, and after tipping it back for a long pull, he scowled at me.

“
You don’t belong here,
”
he growled out.

I ignored him because drunk Quinn was mean, cruel, and unworthy of my attention.

“
I. Don’t. Want. You. Here.
”
He tried to provoke a response.

I continued to keep to myself. Turning on my phone, I checked for flight information to see if I could get a flight out that evening or if I was going to have to wait until morning.

After draining another flask, he threw it at my window. I jumped and looked at him just as the door opened and Chase got in. Seeing the startled look on my face, he squinted his eyes at Quinn.

“
Is there a problem?
”

Quinn shook his head then leaned back and closed his eyes. Chase looked at me. I shook my head and went back to searching for a flight out.

“
There’s a luncheon. Can you join us?
”
Chased asked, completely ignoring Quinn.

“
Sorry, I can’t, but thanks for the offer. I’m looking for a flight out tonight, and I want to be packed and ready in case something opens up. Could you just take me back to the villa?
”

I expected Chase to try and persuade me to go with him to the luncheon, but to my surprise he simply nodded and instructed the driver.

We sat in silence the whole way. I wasn’t sure if Quinn was sleeping or passed out. When the driver opened the door I looked at him, but he didn’t move. Chase got out and gave me a big hug.

“
Thank you, for everything. I hope this isn’t goodbye.
”
He had an irresistible boyish charm.