Releasing Me (10 page)

“
Quinn?
”

CHAPTER NINE

Quinn

I kept my
back to her as I buttoned my shirt. The sound of her broken voice saying my name fucking killed me. I needed a drink, and I needed to get the hell out of there. She wormed her way under my skin, but I didn’t want her there. My mind was such a fucked up mess, I felt bewitched by everything about her: those ocean blue eyes, her cherry lips, the way her long golden hair flowed down her back and over her fucking perfect breasts. Her smell, her touch, her voice … it was too much. I had only one choice––to let her go. I had to get out from under her spell. She made me feel things I didn’t want to feel. The truth was I didn’t want to feel anything.

“
Quinn?
”

“
Just … stop, Addy!
”
I yelled in frustration as I shoved my feet into my shoes. Every nerve in my body was on edge.
I’ve got to get the hell out of here.

“
Quinn, look at me—
”

“
Goddammit! Just … shut up. You won, okay? You brought me to my fucking knees, stripped me of my resolve, and left me with nothing. We’re done.
”

All I needed was a drink. I slammed the door and dialed up Chase.

“
You apologize?
”
his smug voice answered.

“
Just get your ass over here,
”
I demanded.

“
Did you apologize?
”
His stubbornness grated at my very last nerve.

“
Fucking hell, Chase! Yes, she’s completely satisfied. Now get your ass in the car and come get me!
”

I ended our call before the little shit had a chance to say anything else. My mind was perplexed as to why I was the bad guy. Addy was the one with all the secrets, she was the reason I fell, she was the one who dealt out bits and pieces of her past to me like pins in a voodoo doll. I was the one dealing with the shit storm my father left behind. I was the one taking care of my family’s needs while my sister tended to her own life and my brother kept his own little secrets about our mother. It was all bullshit. I would have loved to have seen Chase handle everything I did without the occasional drink. I didn’t think it made me an alcoholic, and it sure as hell didn’t make me my father.

All I needed was a drink. I had to get her out of my head. She always had to one-up me. She was smarter than me and had more money. At every turn she was making some charitable contribution of both her time and money, while I was the selfish, materialistic bastard. I sent her thirty-two bouquets of flowers for her birthday and she surprised me with a trip to Spain for mine. My parents died but hers were brutally murdered. Then for the finale, I treated her like shit after my mother died and she selflessly surrendered her body to me. She willingly accepted my pain while I took her for my pleasure … on her birthday that I refused to fucking acknowledge.

All I needed was a drink.

CHAPTER TEN

Addy

Journal Day 60

Grateful to be alive.

Some people cut
themselves to get relief from pressure or emotional pain that is too overwhelming. To an emotionally stable person, this act seems insane. Not to me. I completely understood. In my own way, I had become a cutter¸ but Quinn was my blade and my scars were emotional. I wasn’t aware of just how alone and emotionally stripped I felt after losing my family until I met Quinn. He made me feel alive, equal parts pain and pleasure,but alive. I didn’t just love him, I loved my addiction to him. I loved the life that flowed through my veins when I was with him. I loved that he made me laugh and cry. I loved that he made me scream in pleasure and pain. And every time he cut me, no matter how emotionally crippling it felt, relief rained down to remind me that I was in fact alive.

It had been one week since Elena’s funeral, and I was back to looking for purpose in each day. One day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time was how I lived. Mac drove to Milwaukee the day after I returned from Spain for another play-by-play of the fucked-up saga that I called my life. Then there was Jake …
ah Jake
. He was the fleeting rainbow after the storm. It didn’t matter how much debris was scattered from the storm, if you were looking at the rainbow it meant you survived it. And if there was one absolute truth in my life by that point, it was that I was a survivor.

After dodging him for that entire first week after I returned from Spain, he showed up at my door with dinner.

“
Hey, gorgeous! Hungry?
”
His smile lit up the room and all I could see was the rainbow.

“
Starving.
”
I smiled and motioned for him to come in.

He set the sack down on the counter and snaked his arms around me in a warm embrace.
“
God, I missed you.
”

I waited for more but that’s all he said. No
“
where were you?
”
or
“
why didn’t you call?
”
just an honest heartfelt sentiment. He pulled back and searched my eyes for a brief moment before his lips brushed mine. It was as if he was asking permission or testing the water between us. That small gesture of consideration was all it took for me to lean into his mouth. The kiss was soft and patient. He ghosted his hands over my arms and then interlaced our fingers before he ended our kiss.

“
Shall we eat?
”
His smile was infectious.

“
Absolutely. What’s in the bag?
”

He pulled out two covered bowls.
“
Ginger carrot soup.
”

I grabbed spoons and eased the lids off.
“
Mmm, smells amazing.
”

“
I stole the recipe from this hot chef that used to mentor me.
”

Sipping a spoonful, I winked at him.
“
Oh my gosh, this tastes amazing. Your mentor must have been a culinary genius.
”

“
Yeah, and real modest.
”

We enjoyed our dinner with casual conversation, mainly about the Café and some ideas Jake had for the holiday menu. Eventually my leave of absence became the elephant in the room.

“
Jake, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your patience with me. Any other guy … well, given our relationship over the past few months … would have been knocking at my door demanding answers. But you never called or messaged me while I was gone, and when I came home you waited a week when we both know you knew I was home. And even tonight, you have yet to ask—
”

“
It doesn’t matter. I guess I assumed you were with … him. But now you’re back, alone, and—
”

“
His mom died.
”

A grimace spread across his face and his posture wilted.

“
She had cancer and she asked me to take her home, to Spain. I stayed with her until she died.
”
The specific details weren’t important, but he deserved to know why I left. Jake was a friend, and we had been intimate, but beyond that our relationship was undefined. He also deserved to know what happened the night before I left to come home.

“
I’m so sorry. That must have been hard for you.
”

“
It was. Elena was a wonderful woman and she will be missed.
”
As I set our spoons in the sink, I felt two strong arms slide around my waist. I wrapped my arms around his and leaned my head back against his broad chest. Closing my eyes, I searched for the words that needed to be said. There really was no easy way to say it, so I went with the four words that said it all.
“
I slept with Quinn.
”

Jake’s body was still pressed to the back of mine, and I expected some physical reaction, a flinch or his muscles tensing, but he didn’t move. I waited until the silence was unbearable, then I turned to face him. His face was blank and completely void of emotion.
“
Say something,
”
I pleaded as I nervously picked at my fingernails.

“
What do you want me to say?
”

“
I want you to tell me what you’re feeling.
”

He turned and walked toward the windows then put his hands behind his head with his fingers interlaced.
“
I don’t know, Addy. What am I supposed to feel? After all, when our relationship got physical you told me not to expect anything more than sex. So I didn’t, at first.
”
One of his hands dropped down to his side while the other clenched the back of his neck, as if trying to relieve some tension.
“
But then we started spending all of our free time together and … well, I don’t know, I guess in my mind we were moving past the sex only part without actually having an official talk about it.
”

“
Jake, I care for you and it was never my intention to hurt you, but it was also never my intention for us to be anything more than …
”
The words escaped me, or maybe they were never there.

“
Never more than friends with benefits?
”
He finally turned to face me again.

I nodded looking at the floor.

“
Well, it doesn’t matter now anyway since you’re back with Quinn.
”
He shrugged his shoulders.

Of course he would think I was back with Quinn. After all, I just told him I slept with him.
“
We’re not back together,
”
I said in a timid voice.

“
What? I don’t understand.
”

“
We’re not back together, it was … or he was just … God, I don’t know!
”
I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. Anger was taking over, but it had nothing to do with Jake.
“
He’s a fucked-up drunk and I’m emotionally broken. It hurts to be with him and it hurts to be without him. Then there’s you and you’re so wonderful and––
”
Emotions uncontrollably flowed from my mouth, and I could barely keep up with my jumbled thoughts. Jake pulled me into his arms and the tears poured down my face.

“
Shh, it’s ok. This is quite the mess. Quinn’s a drunk, you’re emotionally broken, and I’m wonderful all right. I’m wonderfully in love with a woman who’s given her heart to someone else.
”

No! No! No!

I pulled back to look him in the eyes as I shook my head.
“
No, Jake, you’re not in love with me.
”

He cradled my face in his hands and wiped my tears with his thumbs.
“
I’m sorry, I know it’s not the best timing, but I am.
”

Stepping back, I wiped the rest of my face with the backs of my fingers.
“
You deserve better than me.
”

“
Why do people say that? I mean … that’s such a cliché. It’s like you’re implying that something is wrong with you, when what you mean is something is wrong with me.
”

“
You’re right, it is a cliché. What you think is implied usually is, but that’s not what I mean. Quinn does have my heart and he always will to some extent. And I don’t know what the future holds for us, if there even is an
us.
Right now, I can’t imagine having the same feelings for any other man, but honestly I never imagined having the feelings for him that I do. So when I say that you deserve better, I don’t mean a better person, I mean a better love. You’re young and you have a chance to find love and happiness now. I can’t allow you to wait for me because I don’t know if I can ever love you the way you love me.
”
I reached for his hands and held them in mine.
“
You deserve a love that takes your breath away, ignites an insatiable passion in your heart, and awakens a part of your soul that you never knew existed. A love shared so equal that you don’t recognize where yours ends and hers begins. Everything about it will be undeniable, as if the fate of your love is stronger than any other force on Earth.
”

His face was unreadable, then his next words punched me in the gut so hard I almost couldn’t breathe.
“
Then why are you here?
”

*

Journal Day 70

Grateful for the courage to fight for my future.

Young Jake flipped the switch for me. It was hypocritical of me to tell him to look for his one true love when I walked away from mine. Why was I there? What was I doing? The answer was simple. I was floundering. The Café was no longer mine. My best friend was in Chicago, but I wasn’t. I had a PhD but wasn’t using it. Unimaginable circumstances gave me the means to do absolutely anything I wanted. The words
“
wasted potential
”
came to mind as if my parents were sending me a message. My life needed to be more than hanging out at a café that was no longer mine and having casual sex with a great guy who would never own my heart. But my
“
wasted potential
”
could wait, my heart could not. Quinn and I had unfinished business. Our story was not over. It would never be over.

*

Journal Day 71

Grateful for the strength to let go of my safety net.

Time was of the essence. My monkey brain was too unpredictable. Sitting idle in my loft contemplating my options was counterproductive. Before the Café opened I went to talk to Jake.

“
Hey, Jake.
”

He was in the kitchen washing fruit in preparation for the breakfast juice rush. When he turned to me, my heart squeezed at the hint of sadness on his face.
“
Hey, yourself.
”

In that moment, I wanted Jake to be the one. My life would have been so much easier. He was the perfect mix of focused and carefree; he was kind, funny, giving, and he made me feel beautiful and special. However, just like the bird or whale that instinctually navigates thousands of miles to survive, I would have gone to Hell and back to be with Quinn. Being with him felt like my survival instinct.

“
Listen, I thought about what you said and you were right. I shouldn’t be here.
”

“
Addy, that’s not what I meant. I shouldn’t have said that. I was just—
”

“
Honest. You were brutally honest, and I needed to hear it. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I’m leaving.
”

He nodded and let out a deep breath.
“
For how long?
”

“
Indefinitely.
”

“
Don’t do this. You don’t need to leave.
”

“
I do. It’s time. I belong with him and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make him realize it too. But, for you, my dear Jake, I want you to have my loft.
”

“
What? No, I can’t. What if you decide to come back?
”

Tears stung my eyes as I bit my upper lip and shook my head.
“
I’m not coming back.
”

His brow furrowed as he pulled me into his chest.
“
I scared you off. I said too much.
”

“
No! Don’t ever think that. You woke me up. You reminded me that life should be lived to the fullest, without regret. I want you to do the same. The pain of heartbreak is worth it when you find the person who you were born to love.
”

I pulled back and pushed up on my toes and pressed my lips to the corner of his mouth.
“
You’re the best detour I’ve ever taken.
”

He smiled as I turned to leave.
“
Addy?
”

I stopped but didn’t turn back around.
“
Yeah?
”

“
If he hurts you … I’ll break every bone in his body.
”

The corners of my mouth curled up.
“
I know.
”