Releasing Me (5 page)

He leisurely slid in and out of me until I felt engorged and hypersensitive, desperate for my release. I bit my lip and tried to hold back my instinct to meet his hips with more force, more friction. Then all of a sudden I didn’t feel him in me anymore. I tried to look down but he smashed his mouth to mine as his fingers moved between my legs. He rubbed circles over my swollen clit until I broke our kiss crying out his name.

He cautiously rolled to his back beside me. The moment was awkward, and I hated that the part of us that had always been so perfect had become our silent challenge.

He didn’t orgasm. He couldn’t sustain his erection.

“
Quinn—
”

“
Why don’t you go make something to eat?
”
He cut me off.

He was staring at the ceiling as he pulled the sheet over his waist.

“
It’s okay if you can’t—
”

“
Jesus, Addy! Just go make the damn food!
”
he yelled.

I grabbed my robe and hurried down the stairs. It amazed me how he could whisper words of love to me then essentially kick me out of the bedroom ten minutes later. I fixed myself something to eat and waited for him to come downstairs. It was nearly forty-five minutes later before he made his way to the kitchen. I was working on my computer and made no attempt to look in his direction.

“
I thought you were going to make something to eat?
”
he asked.

“
I did.
”

“
Where’s mine?
”

“
In the refrigerator,
”
I stated in a flat tone.

I heard him open the refrigerator door.
“
I don’t see it.
”

“
That’s because you haven’t made it yet.
”

Quinn slammed the door and went to his office.
“
I don’t have the patience for your stupid mind games.
”

My thoughts exactly.

*

An
hour later Patrick showed up for Quinn’s physical therapy, so I took the opportunity to get out for a while. I went to the local shelter and had some puppy therapy. There were ten new puppies that had arrived since my last visit, and they were exactly what I needed after my emotional roller coaster ride with Quinn. After I got in my car to leave the shelter, I noticed I missed a text from Patrick.

Sorry, Addy. Couldn’t work with Quinn yet again. Call me tomorrow if he’s sober.

I marched through the door and straight to Quinn’s office. He was semiconscious in his chair, holding a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels. I grabbed it from him and poured the rest over his head before slamming the bottle down on his desk.

He jumped out of his stupor.
“
What the fuck?
”

“
Get your shit together!
”
I warned.

I left as quickly as I came. Barely making it through the doorway, I heard glass shattering as the empty bottle connected with the wall. I froze but didn’t look back.

Deep breath
…
I am peaceful, I am strong.

“
I’m not cleaning that up,
”
I calmly said before I continued to the kitchen.

Quinn didn’t come out of his office the rest of the evening. I checked on him before I went to bed. He had moved from his chair to the black leather couch by the window. I opened every cabinet and drawer in his office, looking for his booze stash. I found two bottles in his office, and then I proceeded to the kitchen where I found three more. I finished by stripping the bar of all alcohol. My assumption was we would not be entertaining anytime soon. After every bottle was emptied, I went to bed. The man I loved was broken and so was my heart. I’d made it through one day of drunk Quinn, but I didn’t know how many more I could take. I’d hoped that with all the alcohol thrown out he would sober up and we could talk.

The next morning I was brought out of my sleep by the sound of cabinet doors slamming and Quinn yelling. I rushed downstairs.

“
What are you doing?
”
I asked.

“
What the hell did you do with everything?
”
he growled.

“
Everything?
”
I tapped my lower lip with my finger.

He grabbed me by my arms to the point of pain.
“
You know damn well what I mean.
”

“
Quinn, you’re hurting me. Let go,
”
I pleaded as tears pooled in my eyes.

He released his grip but his dark eyes still pierced mine as he stood tall over me, teeth gritted and chest heaving.

I pushed back my fearful emotions and replaced them with my own anger.

“
If you
ever
touch me like that again we are over. Do I make myself clear?
”

He didn’t respond.

I brushed past him and started to put the kitchen back together when I heard the words that had been looming in the shadows.

“
You did this to me,
”
he whispered.

I took a deep breath and exhaled as I turned to face him again.

“
Keep going. Get it all out now.
”
I challenged him.

“
You should have told me. If you would have I … we …
”
He paused.

“
We what? We wouldn’t have been together? We wouldn’t have been climbing there? You wouldn’t have fallen? You wouldn’t feel so much pain or feel broken? You wouldn’t be drunk? You wouldn’t be abusive toward me?
”

“
Don’t!
”
he yelled.
“
Don’t try and make me feel bad for what I’ve done. You don’t have any idea how much goddamn pain I’ve been through!
”

“
I know it’s monumentally inadequate, but I’m sorry, Quinn. I should have told you before you ever proposed. I will live the rest of my life knowing that I am responsible for your injuries. But I can’t … I
won’t
let you treat me this way. I won’t stay and be your punching bag. I won’t watch you drink yourself to death. If all you see is pain and regret when you look at me, then I shouldn’t be here.
”

Quinn looked down at the floor, contemplating everything I’d just said. Then he grabbed his keys and left. I didn’t try to stop him.

*

Waitin
g for Quinn to return was agonizing so I decided to call Elena. She insisted she come over so I wouldn’t be alone when he came home. I told Elena about Malcolm and the reason for Quinn’s fall. I told her about my trip to Chicago to visit my parents’ graves and everywhere I went while I was there. I talked about Quinn’s drinking, and she shared her emotional stories about Lucas. Elena truly did treat me and love me like a daughter. I wept for my mother when Elena hugged me because I had longed for years to feel that kind of embrace again. The day passed quickly and we both were getting worried about Quinn. He had been gone for over six hours. I tried calling and texting him. Elena called Zach and I called Quinn’s office, but nobody had seen or heard from him.

We waited another two hours. Elena was in Quinn’s office trying to contact other people or places he might be. I was sitting on the couch, a total wreck, when the door finally opened. I jumped up and headed to the door but stopped in my tracks, like a bullet to my heart.

Oh. My. God!

I remembered back to Christmas when I arrived unannounced to his intimate family gathering. It was like everything was in slow motion, including my brain. It took my mind a few moments to fully process what my eyes were seeing. Quinn, with a bottle of booze in one hand and his other arm draped around the shoulders of a tall, thin blonde. They both stumbled in the door. Neither one saw me and I was completely speechless. I was watching my house burn down and my life being destroyed all over again.

The door closed and she leaned back against it pulling him by his shirt. He took a pull of the amber liquid in his bottle then kissed her. She ran her hands up the inside of his shirt and his free hand cupped her breast over her black spaghetti strapped miniskirt dress.

“
Quinn!
”
Elena shrieked.

I didn’t look at her, unable to peel my eyes off the nightmare in front of me.

Quinn kept his body pressed to hers but turned his head.
“
Mother,
”
was all he said.

“
You live with your mom?
”
The clueless girl giggled.

Elena wasted no time shoving Quinn away and kicking the girl to the curb.

“
No. He lives with his
fianc
é
e
. Now get out and don’t come back!
”
Elena hissed.

At that moment Quinn caught sight of me with his glazed eyes and shit-faced smirk. He didn’t bring home another woman for sex; we both knew that. There was only one reason he brought her home––
to hurt me.

Mission accomplished.

Nodding to acknowledge that he had made his point, I grabbed my computer, phone, and purse and walked to the door where they were standing.

“
You’re wrong, Elena.
”
I slipped my ring off and set it on the entry table.
“
Quinn doesn’t live here with his fiancée, because he doesn’t have a fiancée.
”

“
Addy, don’t—
”
Elena started to protest, but I shook my head to stop her from saying anymore.

“
Dammit! Say something, Quinn! Don’t you dare let her leave,
”
she pleaded with her son.

Quinn stared at the ring on the table then his eyes met mine. His smirk was gone and even though he had trouble staying focused on me, I finally saw a twinge of pain in his eyes. I didn’t try to hold back the tears, I let them flow freely.

“
I love you … I’ll always love you,
”
I said with a shaky voice as I wiped away my tears with the back of my fingers.

“
What about your things?
”
Elena asked with a broken voice. She too had tears falling down her face.

I continued to look solely at Quinn.
“
There’s
nothing
here I need anymore.
”

It was a lie. Everything I needed stood before me. My heart was screaming for him to stop me. One word … one syllable was all he would have had to say. Every cell in my body begged for him to say it. Just one, small, word––
stay
.

Nothing. He gave up on me … he gave up on us.

I opened the door and turned my back to both Quinn and Elena.
“
Goodbye.
”

I heard Elena sniffling, but Quinn said nothing. There was no
“
never goodbye
”
because we both knew it was our forever goodbye. As soon as the door shut behind me, I let out a strangled sob. When I got in Karma my phone chimed. It was a text from Mac.

Hey, sweetie. My heavy heart is thinking of you. Eight years ago today we both lost so much. Hope you and Quinn are better and you’re finding comfort in each other’s arms. Call me. Love, Mac.

CHAPTER FIVE

“
So where are we
going, Addy?
”

“
I don’t know, Mac. Anywhere but here. I just need to feel something outside of myself.
”

“
It won’t hurt like this forever.
”

“
I know
…
because I won’t live forever. But right now my heart is bleeding out and if I stay I won’t
––
”

“
You won’t what?
”

“
I won’t survive.
”

*

Numb. That’s what
it
feels like to have your heart ripped from your chest. I trusted Quinn to catch me, and I found myself face-first on the ground. I gave him too much and knew it. But it was worth it.
He
was worth it. Lost, hopeless, and insignificant were the only feelings I recognized through the tingling numbness.

Before I left Quinn’s, I turned off my phone. Then, like a leaf sailing on the waves of the wind, I found the open road and drove. With each passing mile it became harder to breathe. I wasn’t ready to let go of Quinn, but it wasn’t my choice. We had been hanging by a thread, and he broke it. The love I used to see in his eyes was tainted with so much anger, I no longer recognized the man I loved. Forgiveness happens in the beat of a heart, forgetting takes a lifetime.

Headed for destination unknown, I was completely alone. Taking each intersection with the randomness of a coin toss, I drove until I just couldn’t drive anymore—found a hotel and collapsed for about six hours. This was my routine every day for a week until I instinctively made my way back to Milwaukee.

It was late and the streets looked abandoned. I parked Karma in her old spot and grabbed what few belongings I had acquired over my week’s journey. The air was stagnant and muggy, and the cricket chirps were amplified by the stillness. The familiarity of my loft embraced me. Everything was just how I’d left it. I’d thought my return would be to move everything to Chicago … with Quinn. Instead, I found myself doubting if I would ever move back, if I would ever see Quinn again.

The next morning I realized I had two choices: waste more precious time grieving a love that wasn’t meant to be or move on. I was familiar with the former, so I chose the latter. A long run followed by yoga and meditation brought out the strong and peaceful Addy I hadn’t seen in the mirror for quite some time. The dull ache in my heart was still there; it was a constant reminder of how much I’d lost, but also how much I’d loved.

“
Surprise!
”
I yelled out as I walked into the Café.

“
Well, I was when I saw your car out back this morning.
”
Jake smiled as he walked toward me.

“
Missed Karma, didn’t you?
”

He hugged me leaving my feet dangling in the air.
“
Karma? No. You? Definitely.
”

I rubbed his head.
“
Chrome-dome no more? I like it. Copper blond reminds me of my dad.
”

He set me down and ran his fingers through his short stubbly hair.
“
Less menacing.
”

“
Since when do you want to be less menacing?
”

“
Since I started getting more satisfaction from the kitchen and less from the fighting ring.
”

“
Mmm, I’m glad to hear that. I’m starving. Why don’t you show me your latest masterpiece?
”

“
Absolutely. Have a seat and I’ll be right back.
”

Jake returned with a plate of lemon-blueberry pancakes topped with maple cinnamon syrup.

“
These look amazing, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t run far enough this morning to eat all of them.
”

“
You look thin, too thin. Don’t get me wrong, you’re beautiful, but thinner than I remember.
”

I smirked and nodded my head while I shoved in a large bite.
“
Fair enough,
”
I murmured with a full mouth.

I had unintentionally lost weight since Quinn’s accident. All my focus and attention had been on him. When Mac and I left for a year after the fire I lost a lot of weight. Some people eat when they’re stressed or grieving, but not me. I couldn’t think about food until someone forced it down me.

“
I’ve had too much on my mind to think about food.
”
A painful smile etched my face.

Jake leaned back in his chair, lacing his fingers behind his head.
“
A chef who hasn’t had time to think about food, huh? Sounds troubling.
”

“
You could say that.
”

“
I take it you’re not here just to check up on me.
”
He winked and flashed his boyish grin.

Savoring the delicious lemony sweetness in my mouth, I contemplated how to answer.
“
I left Quinn … or he left me. I’m not sure, but we’re no longer together.
”

Just as quick as I gained back my appetite, saying those words aloud robbed me of it again. I knew we were over, but that was the first time I acknowledged it since I’d left New York. I could barely swallow the bite I had in my mouth.

Jake looked at me with wide eyes and a slack mouth. The silence between us confirmed it.

“
Hey, I’m going to go shower. I’ll take the rest of the pancakes with me and bring the plate down later. If that’s ok?
”

“
Addy, I don’t know what to say.
”

“
I just didn’t want them to go to waste, so I thought—
”

“
I’m not talking about that.
”

I stood up and rested my hand on his shoulder.
“
I know you’re not. You don’t have to say anything. There’s really nothing to say. I’ll see you later.
”

Jake nodded but said nothing. I didn’t want his pity, and I sensed he knew it.

*

After I showered I turned
on my cell phone for the first time since I’d left New York. I had more missed calls from Elena and Mac than I could count, but nothing from Quinn. A pang of remorse clenched my heart for a second, but I pushed away the looming feelings of bitter regret. I may have been the one who walked out the door, but he asked me to leave the moment his drunk ass crossed the threshold with that floozy.

I called Mac before the search party showed up at my door.

“
Adler Sage Brecken, where the hell have you been?
”
Her voice was pure anger.

“
Nice to hear your voice too,
”
I chided.

“
Well, you don’t just break off your engagement and go AWOL for a week without pissing people off with worry!
”

“
Pissed off with worry?
”
I laughed.
“
Now that’s a new one.
”

“
Stop it, Addy! You don’t get to humor your way out of this.
”

“
Who told you?
”

“
What?
”
Mac asked confused.

“
Who told you I broke off my engagement?
”

She hesitated for a moment.
“
Quinn, well
… technically Elena.
”

“
I’m not following.
”

“
I called looking for you after three days of leaving messages on your phone.
”

“
You called Quinn or Elena?
”

“
Quinn first, then Elena. You should have called me, Addy. Does our friendship mean that little to you?
”

“
No, Mac. It’s because our friendship means
so
much to me.
You
mean so much to me. I feel like I take away a part of your happiness every time I show up on your doorstep needing to be pieced back together. I knew you’d have insisted I drive straight to your house, but I needed time.
”

There was silence on the line. I figured she was processing.
“
So where are you now?
”
she asked in a calmer voice.

“
Milwaukee.
”

“
Oh, sweetie. You should come home.
”

“
I am home. For now this is home.
”

“
I miss you.
”

Her whiney voice made me smile.
“
I miss you too, and I’ll come visit soon.
”

“
Addy?
”

“
Yeah?
”

“
Are you going to be okay?
”

Of course she couldn’t see me, but I nodded to myself as I closed my eyes and focused on my heart.

“
Eventually.
”

*

Every detail of the follow
ing month stayed etched in my head, but it wasn’t because of my gifted memory, it was because time passed so slowly. I volunteered at The Sage Leaf Café most days and found myself hanging out with Jake in the evenings. He shared his less than tragic break up story. Jessica abruptly packed up and moved to California to follow her dreams of acting. Jake suspected it had more to do with her high school sweetheart who paid a visit to her a few weeks before she decided to leave. He said he never really loved her and that she was more of a distraction. That brought back memories of Quinn and his
“
distractions.
”
It amazed me how men found it so easy to use women like that.

Jake and I did everything: movies, dining, rollerblading, dog walking, volunteering. I even tagged along to one of his fights. It was my first underground fight experience, and after it was over I declared it was my last. Jake emerged virtually unscathed, but his opponent’s bloodied body was hauled away on a stretcher. Jake insisted it looked worse than it really was, but I wasn’t so sure. It was the first fight he’d had in months, and I was hopeful that someday he would completely give it up.

It was close to midnight by the time he dropped me off at my loft. He parked his Harley and removed his helmet as I removed mine.

“
I’ll be fine. You don’t have to walk me to my door.
”
I smiled.

He grabbed my hand and led me up the stairs.
“
Yes, I do.
”

When we got to the top, he turned to face me. Jake was not as tall as Quinn but still had several inches on me.

“
Why?
”
I asked as I grazed my thumb over the small cut above his eye. It was his only mark from the fight.

He put his hand over mine pressing it to his cheek.
“
So I could do this.
”

His lips brushed mine. I started to pull away.

“
Jake,
”
I whispered.

“
Shh.
”
He kissed me again, lingering a bit longer, before stepping back with a sexy smile.

“
Goodnight, Addy.
”

He jogged down the stairs and straddled his bike while fastening his helmet. I was in a complete daze as I touched my fingers to my lips and watched him leave. I stood frozen in place for a few minutes after he drove off. Jake was almost ten years younger than me, and my head was ready to explode with confusion. I finally opened the door to my loft, nearly stumbling inside, then I plopped down on my couch.

I was looking for every reason why kissing Jake was a catastrophically bad idea, but in the grand scheme of my messed up life I couldn’t think of one good reason. As soon as I came to that conclusion, I packed a bag and drove to Chicago.

*

“
Addy!
”
Mac yelled as I gra
bbed my bags from the back seat.

I walked toward her then dropped my bags to hug her.

“
Hey, Mackenzie! I’ve missed you.
”

She pulled back to look at me.
“
Well, you should not be missing me. You should be making my neighbors an offer they can’t refuse on their house so you can move in next to me.
”

“
Chicago … someday, but not yet.
”

We walked into her house.

“
Evan and I are holding
The Sage
hostage, so if you want to enjoy sailing this summer you’d better rethink ‘someday.’
”