Releasing Me (4 page)

“
I made it out, but Malcolm … did not. I didn’t speak for the next week, until after the funeral, when Mac found me at the airport purchasing a one-way ticket to nowhere in particular. She boarded the plane with me and we returned to Chicago a year later. When I left I wanted to die; when we arrived home the following year, I no longer wanted to die. I still didn’t care if I lived or not, I just no longer
wanted
to die.
”

I reached down and grabbed Quinn’s glass of Scotch. His eyes followed my every move. Holding it up in the air, I said,
“
So here’s to your shitty life and mine.
”
I emptied the rest of it in my mouth, wincing as it burned all the way down my throat, then slammed the glass down on his desk before walking out.

*

Moments later I packed a bag and called Zach.

“
Hey, Addy. How’s our
pain-in-the-ass patient?
”

“
He’s drowning in self-pity and Scotch.
”

“
He’s drinking? Are you serious?
”
Zach asked skeptically.

“
I’m serious. Listen, Zach, I need to leave for a few days. I’ve messed up and I need some time to straighten myself out before I can deal with Quinn. Can you help keep an eye on him? I’m going to let Elena know too, but Quinn on a bad day can break her down too easily so she may need some backup.
”

“
I’m sorry you’re having a rough time, but don’t worry about Quinn. I’ll look after him.
”

“
Thanks. I’ll let you know when I’m on my way back here.
”

“
Addy?
”

“
Yes.
”

“
He loves you.
”

I blinked back a few tears.
“
Bye, Zach.
”

I contemplated writing a note to Quinn, but I decided to text him after I left. Just as I was opening the door to leave I heard his voice.

“
Where are you going?
”

Deep breath
…
I am peaceful, I am strong.

I couldn’t turn around and look at him.
“
I’m leaving for a few days.
”

“
You don’t have to leave.
”
His voice was soft and comforting, which made leaving that much harder.

I stared at my hand on the doorknob.
“
Yes, I do. I can’t ask you to forgive me until I can forgive myself.
”

“
Is there anything I can say to make you stay?
”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head.
“
Goodbye.
”

I opened the door and a split second before it closed behind me, I heard the two words that always led me back to him.

“
Never goodbye,
”
he called out.

CHAPTER FOUR

On the plane
I composed two emails: one to Mac and the other to Elen
a.

Mac,

Take that amazing husband of yours and go home. Continue to fill your hearts with love and your home with beautiful babies and cherished memories. You’ve held my hand through the worst times of my life, but last night I realized you need to let go. I know you left feeling guilty, and I’m sorry I let you feel that way for a single moment. I should have told Quinn weeks ago. I’m leaving town for a few days to straighten myself out so I can hopefully have a chance at happiness with the man that I love. I’ll call you when I get back and we’ll set a date to go sailing and do things that normal friends should do. Have a safe flight home and give Evan my love.

Addy

Elena,

Thank you for so graciously welcoming Mac and Evan into your home. I’m leaving for a few days because I messed up horribly with Quinn. I awoke to find him in his office sipping a glass of Scotch this morning. Zach is going to help keep an eye on him while I’m gone. I love your son beyond words, and when I get back I’m going to do whatever it takes to make things right for him––for us.

Addy

As soon as the plane landed I sent the emails. After renting a car, I mindlessly drove to my destination and parked next to a large maple tree. Before I opened the door, my phone chimed. It was a text from Quinn.

Why do you run? Please come home.

Quinn had to wait, as I turned my phone off and tossed it on the seat before climbing out of the car. Closing my eyes, I stopped at the black iron gate. My ears filled with vibrating whispers from the leaves on the mature trees as the wind moved in rhythmic gusts. Birds chattered and I sensed the occasional rustled scurry of squirrels racing over the ground and up the broad tree trunks. I opened my eyes and proceeded through the gate, surrounded by green grass and rows of carved stone. It had been eight years, but I still remembered—three rows to the north and ten stones west on the south side. Lowering to my knees, I traced the engraved name on the first one and then moved to the next. My stolen life that wasn’t meant to be laid six feet under me. The setting sun bathed my left side in warmth as I closed my eyes and inhaled a slow breath.

“
Hi, Mom. I miss you and I think about you every day. I wonder where you are. I wonder if you found your pearly gates or if your beautiful soul has graced a new body. I think about Daddy too, especially lately. I remember how much he loved and adored you. I remember thinking no two people could ever love each other as much as you and Daddy did. I didn’t have the same love with Malcolm, and I knew it the day I agreed to marry him. It was the right choice at the time. I took your advice and bloomed where I was planted. My proverbial garden was growing all around me in spite of losing the two people who loved me most in this world. But then…
”
I wiped my tears
“
…but then that life was taken from me too. Did you know that? Did you and Daddy know about the fire? I lost every––everything, Mom. I hated God. It felt like He reached down and ripped my heart out of my chest and tore it into a million pieces … but it was still … beating. I prayed to Him, I prayed to you, I prayed to Daddy; I prayed to anyone who I thought could help me. I just wanted to be taken too. I couldn’t stand the sound of my heart beating … alone.
”

Wiping my tears, I closed my eyes until my sobs subsided.
“
Now I’ve met someone and he’s … everything. We have the love you both had. It’s beautiful, passionate, all consuming … epic. But I’ve hurt him so bad and I don’t know how to make it right. I don’t know if he’ll ever know he’s the reason my heart is still beating.
”

I lay on the ground and watered the earth with my tears, imagining my mom’s arms wrapped around me, holding and comforting me. Eventually, darkness descended upon me, and the cooler breeze chilled my skin. I took one last look at my past carved in stone before me then slowly made my way back to the car.

The next morning I checked out of the hotel and drove to a large lakefront estate. It looked beautiful—just like I remembered—massive shade trees and bordering perennial gardens. I wondered if the same family lived there. I sold it to a surgeon and his wife, who were expecting twins at the time. After finding the remains of my parents’ severed bodies, I wanted the whole place leveled. I thought destroying it would erase the terrible memories from my mind. My therapist talked me out of sending a wrecking ball though the front door of the restored 1870s nine million dollar mansion and instead finding a buyer that symbolized a new beginning, one that symbolized life. Imagining eight
–year-old twins running around the perfectly manicured yard or swinging from the oak tree in the back reminded me that life goes on, even in the event of the most unimaginable tragedies. The living still go on living.

*

I spent the following three days visiting every place that held a significant mem
ory in my heart. Buildings had been painted, old trees died and newer ones had matured. Even some things that hadn’t changed looked different to me because I looked at them differently. It was a poignant reminder that my life was different and I needed to start looking at it that way.

After packing my bag, I got an early flight back to New York. I thought if Quinn could love me and forgive me my past, then so could I. Before boarding the plane, I called Zach. He gave me the heads-up that Quinn wasn’t doing so well, but he didn’t elaborate.

Before I opened the door, I reminded myself that no matter what I saw on the other side, the man I fell in love with was in there … even if it took me a while to find him.

“
Hello?
”
I called out.

“
Oh, hi, Addy. I’m so glad you’re back,
”
Elena answered.

She was washing dishes in the kitchen, but she had a tense face with a forced smile.

“
What’s wrong? Where’s Quinn?
”
I dropped my bags and walked toward her.

“
He’s upstairs. He hasn’t come down since you left.
”

I nodded.
“
I’ll go check on him.
”

“
Addy, wait.
”

I turned.

She grabbed her purse and embraced me in a big hug as she whispered in my ear.
“
I love you like a daughter and I want nothing more than to see you and my son together but––
”

I squinted my eyes and cocked my head to the side.
“
But?
”

She released a concerned sigh.
“
But I should not have stayed, and if it gets worse, neither should you.
”

I was still confused when she left, wondering what she meant when said she shouldn’t have stayed. I couldn’t imagine Quinn had been that awful to her in such a short amount of time. But then I reached the threshold of our bedroom and saw a scruffy, passed out Quinn on the bed with numerous empty alcohol bottles scattered around the room. Then I knew.

Lucas. Elena was talking about Lucas.

I picked up all the bottles and opened the blinds. Quinn looked like he hadn’t showered since I left. I liked Zach, but if that was his idea of keeping an eye on Quinn, I questioned his responsibility.

First, I checked for a pulse then sat in the chair by the window and waited. Two hours later, the beast stirred. His painful moans sounded like a combination of a hangover and the numbness starting to wear off around his healing bones.

“
Motherfucker! Who opened the goddamn shades?
”

It was gut wrenching to watch, but I silently waited for him to sit up. He put his hand over his eyebrows and squinted at me.
“
Addy?
”

“
Quinn,
”
I responded in a flat voice.

“
Shit! I need a drink,
”
he groaned as he wrapped his arms around his stomach in agony.

“
I bet your liver begs to differ. I’ll fill up the bathtub.
”
I started toward the bathroom.

“
I don’t need a bath.
”

“
Hmm, now I beg to differ.
”
I kept going and turned on the faucet.

I grabbed Quinn’s shampoo, soap, and razor from the shower. It was ironic how I used to think he looked sexy all scruffy, but at that moment he just looked dirty and hungover.

“
Hobble your hungover ass in here and get your clothes off,
”
I yelled over the running water.

When I peeked out the door, he was still sitting on the edge of the bed hunched over.

I grabbed the hem of his shirt and slowly pulled it over his head. His face tightened as he raised his arms. I wrapped his arm over my shoulder and helped him up. Then I walked him to the bathroom and slipped his shorts and briefs down. He held my shoulders as he stepped out of them. I helped him sit on the edge of the tub. He kept his head down as I grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste. Tilting his chin, he relaxed his jaw enough to allow me to brush his teeth. I used our rinse cups to give him water with one and let him spit in the other. After he eased into the tub, I shut off the water. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

Kneeling down beside the tub, I laid my head on my crossed arms resting on the edge. After a while he still hadn’t made an attempt to move, so I squeezed some shaving gel on my hands and lathered his face. With each stroke of the razor, I waited for his eyes to open, but they didn’t. Grasping the bottom of my shirt, I pulled it over my head and removed my bra. Then I slipped my capris and panties down. Nothing. Quinn remained motionless. My heart ached for him, for us.

Carefully stepping into the tub, I kneeled between his outstretched legs.

Nothing.

I squirted shampoo in his hair and massaged his scalp.

Nothing.

Soaking up water with the washcloth, I rinsed out his hair, but he didn’t so much as flinch as the sudsy water flowed down his face. Emotions threatened but I pushed them away. Quinn couldn’t take care of himself let alone deal with my insecurities.

Using the soapy washcloth, I scrubbed over his neck, arms, chest, and abdomen, stopping to gently run my fingers across his scar.

Nothing.

Setting the washcloth aside, I rubbed his feet and worked my way up his legs massaging his inner thighs with my thumbs. I felt his penis briefly graze my hand as it twitched. He didn’t open his eyes, but there was a slight tensing to his face. He had a semi-erection and I contemplated touching him there, but I didn’t.

Certain that Quinn was miserable, I stood and stepped out of the tub. With my exposed backside to him, I reached for a plush, grey towel and hugged it to my chest.

“
You are so damn beautiful,
”
he muttered in a raspy voice.

After pausing for a moment to let his words sink in, I wrapped the towel around myself. Turning around, I avoided his gaze as I pulled the plug to let the water drain. When our eyes met, I melted. It had been too long since I saw love in his dark brown eyes. It was food to my starving soul.

“
Here,
”
I said as I held out his towel.

He grasped both sides of the tub and cautiously worked his stiff body to a standing position. He rested his hand on the wall as he stepped out taking the towel from me. After putting on my robe, I stripped the bedsheets and put on new ones.

I turned around and about ran into Quinn. He was standing just inches from me with only a towel wrapped around his waist.

“
Jeez, you scared me,
”
I gasped.

“
Sorry.
”

He had me trapped in his heated gaze.

“
Uh, do you want me to fix you something to eat?
”

He shook his head as he untied my robe.

I swallowed my pooling saliva.
“
Quinn, we should talk.
”

He pushed my robe off my shoulders.
“
I don’t want to talk.
”
His voice was a gravelly whisper.

He feathered his fingers down my arms leaving a wake of goose bumps. Then he removed his towel letting it fall to the ground. He was fully erect and just the thought of feeling him inside me had my body on high alert.

“
Do you?
”
he asked.

I sat down on the bed and scooted back resting my head on the pillow. My knees were bent and parted. He crawled up the bed to me, and I noticed only a slight tensing of his brow. His lips hovered over mine as he inched into me. He closed his eyes and released a pleasurable moan.

He opened his eyes and kissed me.
“
I love you.
”

My body craved the sensation of him moving against me, but I resisted the urge to encourage him. I didn’t know where his pain and pleasure threshold was, so I let him control everything. His tongue grazed my teeth, and I opened up to him. As his tongue slid across mine, his hips pushed into me. He paused before he pulled back then slid into me again. His pace was lethargic, but as long as he kept filling me with his firm erection I didn’t care.