My Once and Future Love (42 page)

That great echoing building never seemed so
lonely as that day.

Jacob wasn’t going to start the cycle of
denial again, and called Bob. The next day, he walked into the
office of a highly recommended therapist. She was younger than he
expected, but knew her trade. He was bloody embarrassed about that
first visit and the tears he couldn’t contain once she got him
talking. Catharsis, she called it—purging every bit of pain and
anger he’d been running away from for almost a decade.

“You thought the songs were expressing it for
you.”

“Well, yeah. That’s the soddin’ point, to put
your feelings to words and music. Used to work.”

“I think you substituted song writing for
having meaningful connections with the people around you. When was
the last time you shared something personal with a friend or family
member?”

He shrugged. “Can’t give you a date,
Doc.”

“Isn’t it pretty telling that you can’t
remember?”

“I guess. Probably.”

His homework that night was to confide in
someone with something he’d never said out loud. Therapy was scary
shit. He thought of his mother first, but didn’t want to do it over
the phone.

“What’s so important, bro?” Bob asked when he
got to the house.

“Saw my therapist today.”

Bob dropped on the sofa in the game room.
“You aren’t going to cry on me, are you?”

“No, wanker. I’m s’posed to confess somethin’
I haven’t said before.”

“Alright.”

Jacob started to pace. “Beth and I have
history…”

“Duh.”

“We dated for eight months when she was
eighteen. Most of it long distance.”

“Wow. Were you her--”

“Not goin’ there, mate.”

Bob whistled. “Dude…makes so much sense. I
knew there had to be a story there, but…so what ended it?”

Jacob sighed. “What didn’t? Point is, it went
bad and that’s been hangin’ over our heads for over eight years.
After the past three, I doubt she’ll ever trust me again.”

“You want her to?”

“That’s a stupid question.”

“Is it? Going your separate ways might be the
healthiest thing both of you can do. Beth was great at her job, but
come on, man…that was some messed up co-dependent shit.”

“I don’t want to be like that anymore.”

“Then get your house in order before you risk
fuckin’ with the girl’s head again.”

Jacob shook his head. “God, mate, don’t sugar
coat it.”

Bob shrugged. “You called me over for the
truth, didn’t ya?”

Guess he did.

“Jake, you are the world’s biggest
idiot.”

“Now hang on!”

“You hired your ex.”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “So?”

“The girl you wrote an album about. Dude, no
wonder Beth wore ear plugs during every gig.”

“Pffft. The concerts are loud.”

Bob gave him a “how dense could you be” look.
“Jake, you rip her to shreds in those songs. She’s a smart
chick—she figured out who the lyrics were about, I guarantee
you.”

Jacob sat down and Bob started to nod.

“No wonder you two had issues. I don’t know
if she deserves those songs or not, but you made your point about
how you felt.”

“Oh my God…” He never connected the dots
until now. “You’re right. I am an idiot.”

He wasn’t guilty of what she’d assumed, but
he hurt her just the same. No wonder she kept saying she couldn’t
trust him.

“Now that you’ve spilled your guts, what
comes next? We don’t have to hug, do we?”

“Oh, shut up.”

Chapter Ten

I had very little dignity left in front of my
nurse. Agnes cooked for us and put up with my grumbling without
complaint. Dad watched TV with me at night and they both put me to
bed when I got tired. The cast on my arm would be off at least two
weeks before the one on my leg and I was anxious for it. I hated
having to be picked up all the time because I couldn’t support my
own weight.

The doorbell chimed. “Agnes, could you get
that?” I called from the den. I was reading one of Mom’s
photography books.

My eyes widened when Jacob walked in. It had
been three weeks since he walked out of my room. I sent the work I
did and Maria let me know it arrived.

“Hi.”

He was here in the middle of the day. I
couldn’t get over the change in his look and was probably staring.
He’d cut his hair significantly shorter and wore slacks and a
button-down shirt. Downright preppy.

“Hi. This is a surprise. How is the
temp?”

“The new guy’s alright. Bit of an ass kisser,
though. I keep expectin’ to turn around and find he’s crawled up my
crack.”

I giggled at the imagery. “I’m sure he’s just
a little star struck. He’ll mellow out. As long as you make it to
your appointments on time, right?”

“Yeah. It’s not the same without you, though.
But, when you’re ready to work again, it’ll be easier to put up
with me.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and put
his hands in his pockets. He was nervous? Who was this guy and what
had he done with Jacob? He was
never
nervous. Even when
debuting a song for the first time.

It couldn’t be about me.
I
was the one
that needed to apologize. “You want me back?”

“Well, yeah. And you’re good at your
job.”

“It’s going to take me some time to rehab my
leg once the cast is off, and after the last time you came by, I
was thinking of taking my vacation time.” My spine should be left
with a chiropractor, too.

“An extra couple weeks won’t kill me,
love.”

“All my vacation time.”

He blinked. “Oh. How much have you
accrued?”

“Three months. Until the accident, I’ve never
taken a personal day.”

He nodded. “I’m sure you haven’t. Is there
anything else you need?”

I shook my head. “I should be asking you. You
don’t have to be extra nice, Jacob. I’m a bitch.”

He brushed my hair off the cut on my
forehead. “I’m glad you’re healing, Beth.” The contact made my skin
tingle.

“You have a business meeting today?” I asked,
gesturing to the outfit.

“Oh, uh, yeah.” He ran his hand through his
short locks.

“You look nice.” I meant it. He looked
really good
.

“Thanks.” He glanced at his new watch. “Well,
I have an appointment, so…”

“Yeah, no problem. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Don’t push yourself too
hard.”

“Okay.” I owed him almost anything he could
request of me.

He left, nodding to Agnes on his way out.

I only saw him in magazines or on television
for a while, but he kept in touch with business and signed my
checks.

When I could get around on crutches, I made a
trip to the guest house. A “For Sale” sign stood in front of the
gate to the property.

“Marty, why is the house for sale?”

“Don’t know, miss,” he replied. “Maybe the
boss got bored with it. He’s been kinda different lately.”

“Different? How so?”

“Well, he cut his hair and he dresses nicer
for meetings, and the paparazzi haven’t seen him at a club for a
month. Maria thinks he has a new girl.”

“There’s usually a new girl.”

“Not like that—a girlfriend. Men don’t change
their act like that unless there’s a woman involved, in my opinion.
But it’s just gossip. He hasn’t had any lady friends to the house.”
He stopped the limo by my cottage. “You need a hand getting out,
Miss Lawson?”

“I think I can manage.”

I pushed the door open as Marty came around
anyway. Sliding across the seat, I planted my good foot on the
ground. He extended a hand to pull me up, then helped me get the
crutches stuck firmly under my armpits.

“Aren’t you supposed to take it easy on that
arm?”

Rolling my eyes, I motioned for him to move
out of the way. Six weeks post-accident my left arm was cast free.
“It’s healed. The best thing I can do is work the muscles. Just get
the door for me.”

I knew someone would clean the place in my
absence, but it was still a surprise to see the house so tidy when
I stepped inside. All of my usual work clutter was either gone or
piled neatly on the desk.

There weren’t many personal items in the
living room, just some pictures, and the bedroom was plain. It
wouldn’t take long to pack everything.

“Well, look at you, all upright.”

Jumping at the sound of Jacob’s voice, I
nearly lost my balance. He steadied me, his hands on my waist. I
tensed, feeling like they were burning through my skin, and he let
go.

“I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you.”

I looked up into his eyes, then glanced away.
I didn’t deserve his concern. “I’m alright. I saw the ‘for sale’
sign.”

“Oh, that. It felt time for a change. I’m
tired of being on the celebrity bus tour. It’s really too big,
anyway, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s not like you have a big family or
anything,” I joked. It didn’t feel very funny. In another life, we
might have filled the house. “Any offers yet?”

He shrugged. “A couple nibbles. People are
mostly curious to see inside. I suppose you came to pack for
vacation?”

“Something like that.” More like moving out.
“The new guy still handling the job?” I started emptying a drawer
of shirts so I wouldn’t have to look at him.

“More or less. He can’t get my coffee right,
but I haven’t been double booked. I think he’s afraid of my
publicist.”

I laughed. “Lynn’s alright. You just have to
be firm with her and remind her we’re human. It’s your manager
that’s the asshole. Sorry.”

He shook his head. “No, you’re right. It’s
why I fired him.”

The shirt I was folding slipped out of my
fingers. “You what?”

“Fired him. He was rude, insulting, and
bitched that I took a week off when you were hurt. A manager is
supposed to work for my best interests and he was only concerned
with how much money I made him. So I walked.”

“Wow… So, new management, new look?”

“No, that was me. It was time to act my
age.”

****

He sat on the bed and picked a frame up off
the nightstand. It was a photo his mother took one summer when he
and Beth were having an ice cream fight. Their teen selves were
laughing. Things were so different, then, and happier.

“I’ve missed you, Beth.”

It’d been so hard to stay away, but after
what she said...

His therapist thought he needed to learn to
be content alone for a while, so he was trying.

She paused, her back to him where she stood
at the dresser. “Um, I was going to type a formal letter, but since
you’re here…I don’t think it’s appropriate I work for you anymore,
so I’m resigning.”

“Oh?” The news wasn’t surprising, all
considered.

“I can still monitor the fan club site if you
want, but I’ve had a lot of time to think--a
lot
of
time--and there are things I should’ve been doing. I put everything
on hold for Mom and when she died… I need to find out who I can be.
I hope you understand.” She held her breath, chewing her lip and
just barely peeking at him through her lashes.

It saddened him she feared his reaction. He
set the frame down and stood, stepping nearer, and tapped the
underside of her chin so she’d look at him. “I’m sure whatever you
have in mind; you’ll be great at it. Keep in touch, hmm?”

Her eyes were wide, meeting his. “I
will.”

He kissed the pink scar on her forehead.
“I’ll let you get back to packing.”

****

He walked out, leaving me stunned. My skin
tingled where his lips touched me. I’d never expected him to touch
me again.

I turned in a formal letter and met with my
replacement in person before taking my leave. Walking away from
that life was scary and hard and possibly a big mistake. I had
savings from hardly spending much once my loans were paid off, but
the money wouldn’t last forever. Going off on my own without a
safety net was, frankly, terrifying.

Nine weeks after the accident, physical
therapy started. The first week of using my leg again was painful
and frustrating. My muscles complained about supporting my weight,
making me lean on my right leg and making
it
sore. Using a
walker was more embarrassing than the crutches, but I needed that
support until my leg caught up.

I used ointment on the scar, hoping I might
be able to wear shorts again one day.

Dad was happy to have me living at home.
Graduating to a cane at my side, I spent the day developing
photographs, then made dinner for us. Yeah, I’d set up the darkroom
again. One piece of me that had been missing fell into place.

When summer came, we flew out to Virginia to
see Andrew and Darcy and meet my new niece, Sarah. His jaw dropped
when he saw me.

“Who are you and what did you do with my
nerdy kid sis?” he teased.

I whacked his shin with my cane. “Watch it,
Andrew.”

“Oh, come ‘ere, you.” He enveloped me in a
bear hug. “You look gorgeous.”

I blushed against his chest. “I do not…”

“Give it up, son. She’s been denying it for
two weeks since coming back from the beauty parlor.”

“Dad…” I took a hint from my dream-self and
got my hair done and a pair of contacts. The thought of eye surgery
still squicked me out.

“Well, Darcy’s going to be jealous. I think
she looks beautiful, but she’s still complaining about ‘the baby
weight’.”

This was so good. We were a family walking
through a sunny airport and talking about a new baby. Pain and
awkwardness finally in the past.

I saw my brother’s face light up when the two
of us walked arm-in-arm toward Baggage Claim. For years, he made
subtle nudges that Dad and I should make up, so I knew it meant a
lot we were here
together
to see his little girl. It meant a
lot to me, too. I brought my new Canon to document it.