My Once and Future Love (41 page)

Alone again, I cried.

The next morning, I went home for the first
time in years.

Home…just Dad’s house, now. The ranch-style
single-story looked the same, but my mother’s absence was glaringly
obvious. Being in the house and looking at my leg, it occurred to
us a live-in nurse was necessary. I couldn’t get to the toilet or
bathe by myself, yet. My father blushed and stammered over the
subject.

“It’s okay, Dad. I didn’t expect you to help
with that stuff. I’m not a baby anymore, so…”

“Yes, exactly. I’ll just go call the number
they gave us.”

I smiled as he left the room, though it faded
quickly when memories of my dream resurfaced and I stared out at
the backyard through the den window. The grass was still neatly
mowed, but the flowers needed tending.

I thought back to what Dream-Jacob said about
Mom beating cancer and encouraging me to live, to follow my dreams.
Would I have chosen a different path if Mom hadn’t died?

Looking back on it, I could see I let grief
drive away my passion, my will to do anything but survive. I gave
up on my relationship, chose a responsible major, buried myself in
studies, then buried myself in work. Jacob’s offer had been the
ultimate opportunity to be too busy to think--except I was always
thinking. I still had dreams, but I convinced myself they’d never
happen. And friends? Well, there was Maria. A few PAs I
commiserated with.

I hid like a scared little mouse. “Not
anymore,” I muttered.

“You say something, honey?” Dad asked,
entering the room.

“Just thinking out loud. I’ve missed
you.”

His eyes glistened. “I’ve missed you, too,
Elizabeth, more than you’ll ever know. I should have tried to reach
out more often--”

“No, it was me… I wanted to hold on to being
hurt, because…because it was like holding on to her. I was
afraid…that…that if I felt better, it meant I was forgetting, or
loved her less…and that was stupid.”

He knelt beside my wheelchair and clasped my
good hand. “It’s not stupid, sweetheart. Everyone has that fear
when they lose someone. I’m just sorry I didn’t help you through
that. I thought letting you go your own way was the adult thing to
do. You’d hardly needed anyone’s help for years.” He reached up to
tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “You’ve always been so smart
and capable.”

If he only knew what a mess the last three
years had been.

“You’re different now.” I don’t know when I’d
ever heard him speak that many words in a row before.

“I have to be or I’ll lose my kids. I’ve
always been proud of you, Beth. And I know you don’t want to be
babied by your old man, but I’m going to help you recover, alright?
Get you back on your feet in tip-top shape.”

I wrinkled up my nose. “I’ll just be happy
when they let me on crutches. Having my leg sticking out like this
is really inconvenient.”

He stood, smoothing his slacks. “Well,
they’re sending over the nurse today. Apparently, that friend of
yours already put the fear of God in them to send you the best, so
they were expecting my call. You must have made quite an impression
on that kid over the years.”

I rolled my eyes. “Twenty-eight is hardly a
kid, Dad. Jacob just wants me at work. He’s lost without my
help.”

“What do you do?”

“I’m his assistant. Like a secretary, except
I go where he goes. I run his life. It’s grueling, believe me.”

“Does he treat you well?”

“Can we save the third degree for when or if
I actually go
back
to work? I’m not running to Starbucks any
time soon.”

He had the grace to look chagrined. “Sorry,
sweetheart. A father can’t help being protective of his little
girl, even when she’s not so little anymore. Are you hungry? I can
make sandwiches.”

Shouldn’t get cross with him when he’s just
being curious—I did keep him from knowing the past seven years of
my life.

I glanced at the time on the VCR. “It’s
lunchtime already? I guess it would be a good idea. I’m supposed to
take my meds with food.” Besides the pain medication, I had a full
arsenal of vitamin pills to swallow. Just three days in the
hospital made me lose more weight.

He seemed grateful to be useful. He’d never
been able to cook, really, except on the barbeque, so I could
expect a lot of sandwiches, heated soup, and take-out over the next
month. At least produce was plentiful in spring.

I scratched the tape holding the gauze on my
forehead. My skin itched under the cast and bandages and I wanted
to peel everything off and see how bad the marks were.

Geeze, there was so much to do. I needed
stuff from my cottage, to find my replacement for Jacob, fix
whatever he’d managed to screw up in the past couple days, call the
car insurance company, and probably a dozen other things I needed
to look at my planner for.

At least I still had use of my right hand.
You had to be thankful for small miracles.

****

Jacob had canceled everything to stay by
Beth’s side. She was family. Mother already sent a care package
from England. Now, with his schedule clear, he was restless with
nothing to do. He let himself into the guest house to see if he
could be useful.

Maria found him cleaning the kitchen. “Sir,
you don’t have to do that.”

He dropped another container of leftovers in
a trash bag, sparing her a glance. “I know. It was driving me nuts
sittin’ around the house. What are you doing here, Maria?”

“Miss Lawson asked me to gather some of her
things, Mr. Lindsey. Her papa wouldn’t know what to grab. I can
finish this for you.”

“No, pet…go ahead and do what you were
gonna.” He grabbed a bottle of spray cleaner and stuck his head
back in the refrigerator.

“Okay…” She padded toward the bedroom.

“Maria?” he called around the wall.

“Yes, boss?”

“How did she sound?”

“Like always, Mr. Lindsey. Maybe a little
tired. You could call her, if you’re concerned?”

“No, it’s…it’s fine.”

She walked out with the bag a few minutes
later. “Mr. Lindsey, I was going to take this to Miss Beth, but I
just remembered I have to be here this afternoon to let the man in
about the oven.”

“Oh. Can you go after he arrives?”

She hesitated. “Well, he has to do repairs,
and then I’m supposed to make dinner, and there are those calls you
asked me to make…”

He sighed and brushed his hands off on his
jeans. “Alright…I’ll drop it off.”

“I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you,
sir.”

“No, no…I don’t have a bloody thing to do
this week. You have more on your plate at the moment, love.”

“Thank you, sir. She’s at her father’s
house.”

Well, it was the best excuse he had to see
how Beth was doing. He could drop off the bouquets that came to the
house, too. Wouldn’t even mention work.

****

“Elizabeth, Jacob is here to see you,” Dad
called.

Oh, crap! I didn’t want to see him, yet.
Wasn’t ready. Plus, I looked like
crap
, and I didn’t even
have the excuse of being unconscious.

I was stuck wearing a bathrobe because of my
broken limbs, and the nurse had just changed the dressing on my
leg, exposing a nasty line of stitches I was sure would leave a
lasting scar. My self-esteem was in the proverbial toilet, so the
last
person I wanted to see right now was the guy who’d seen
me naked.

“Elizabeth?” Dad called again.

“I’m coming.” I sighed and wheeled myself
into the hallway. It was pretty nifty they’d given me a powered
chair.

Jacob looked gorgeous despite the circles
under his eyes.

“You look tired,” I said. It came out harsher
than I intended.

“I haven’t slept well.”

“Elizabeth, behave. He was at the hospital as
much as I was, hoping you’d wake up. Nobody sleeps well in those
chairs.”

I dropped my eyes and blushed. “Sorry, Dad.
Old habit,” I muttered.

Jacob looked away, uncomfortable.

“What did you bring by, son?” Dad asked,
breaking the awkward atmosphere.

“Oh, uh…Maria packed the stuff you wanted,”
he said. “And there are some flowers in the car. They’ve been
coming to the house.”

“From
who
?”

He shrugged. “Just about everybody, it seems.
And there’s a basket from my mother.”

I felt my cheeks warm again. “Thank her for
me. That’s very kind.”

“She always liked you a lot.”

Mrs. Lindsey and I had once been close enough
I called her Vivian. Currently, she wrote me when Jacob got too
busy to call her again.

“Would you like to stay for dinner?” Dad
asked.

“Dad, I’m sure Jacob is really busy.”

“I wouldn’t want to intrude,” Jacob said.

“Nonsense. You’ve been in my daughter’s life
for years now. I wouldn’t ask if you weren’t welcome.”

“Dad…”

“Well, if Beth’s not too tired.”

“Aw, company will do her good.”

“I’M NOT HUNGRY,” I shouted. I turned the
wheelchair toward my room as the men stood in stunned silence. It
was difficult, but I managed to maneuver to slam the door.

“
Elizabeth Lawson…
” Dad recovered
first and followed me. He came in my room and shut the door. “That
young man cares a lot about you, Elizabeth. We did not raise you to
be rude to your guests. You’re going to roll right back out there
and apologize.”

“I can’t do this right now. Just leave me
alone.”

“Elizabeth--”

“Please, Daddy. It’s been a long day. Tell
Jacob I’ll talk to him later.”

The fight left me once he left my room. I
stared at Jacob’s old bed, and sat there. I couldn’t get out of the
chair without help.

****

The nurse came out of the kitchen, looking
sympathetic. “Perhaps you should try another time, sir. It’s been a
long day.”

“Right. Sure… Could you help me unload the
car, please?” Jacob asked.

“Of course.”

Once the bouquets were brought inside, he
hazarded a chance at telling Beth goodbye and knocked on her
door.

“Dad, could we not?”

“It’s me,” he said.

“Oh.”

He peeked around the door. “Are you
okay?”

“It’s been a long time since you asked me
that.” She looked sad, her shoulders hunched inward.

“I’m sorry.” He stepped in and shut the door.
“Do you need anything? I didn’t know when you would wake up, so I
took the whole week off.”

“That must’ve made a lot of people
unhappy.”

He smiled. “You have no idea. Eh, they can
bitch. My Bethie is more important.”

“You haven’t said that in a long time,
either.”

He sat on the bed. “You kept it.”

“Yeah.”

“I may be a jerk for asking, but what
happened back then?”

“I don’t--”

“Please.”

She sighed and rubbed her forehead. “It’s not
a time I like to think about, Jacob.”

“Beth, just say it. Please.”

“My head wasn’t in a good place. I’d just
found out Mom’s cancer was back. I called your apartment, and it
was late your time, middle of the night. A woman answered your
phone, young and sexy. She said you were in the shower, and sounded
like she’d been having a good time. Do I need to go on?”

“You…” He stood and paced in the small space
between the bed and the door. “You think I
cheated on you
?
That’s why you wouldn’t return my calls? I can’t believe--”

She didn’t even bother to yell, to throw
accusations…of all the stupid misunderstandings. Just one sheet of
paper with one sentence, and an angry phone conversation with her
brother. Eight months of a relationship thrown away because
of--

“You were busier and busier, hardly keeping
in touch, and then there’s a woman at your place at two in the
morning on a Saturday night! What am I supposed to think? You were
moving on.”

A cheater…how could she think he was even
capable? “I
loved
you
, you daft bint.” How many times
had he promised never to hurt her?

Her eyes widened big as saucers. “What?”

“That was Carrie, a friend at uni.
You’re
more her taste than I am. You gave up because of a
fucking assumption. Hope it was worth it.”

“Maybe I was wrong that one time, but you’ve
been anything but an angel since, Jacob.”

“Yeah? Think about who made me that way.”

He didn’t need to hear anymore and ran out of
the house.

Tomorrow would be a new day, but tonight he
was getting really, really drunk.

****

I couldn’t breathe.

A lesbian friend
.

He loved me.

He never said. How could I know if he never
said! And I never said either but no one wants to be the girl that
said too soon and sends the guy running because she said it too
soon.

Oh my god
.

Oh my
God.

I can’t breathe…

“Elizabeth? Elizabeth, say something, you’re
white as a sheet.”

“I screwed up, Dad. I really, really screwed
up.”

His brows furrowed in the middle, his head
shaking slightly in confusion. “Nurse! I think my daughter needs to
lie down.”

She ran into my room, and together they
lifted me out of the chair and on the bed. I was stuck on my back
when all I wanted to do was crawl into a ball and die.

The next day, I made calls to find a temp to
replace me. Doing busy work was the only way I could keep from
shutting down. I also caught up with Jacob’s associates and sent
hand-written reports to his house by courier. He’d brought over my
laptop, so I could still write e-mails, if slower one-handed. My
poor car was totaled, but the insurance company deemed me not at
fault.

The rest of my time was spent staring out
windows. I’d be lucky if he ever talked to me again.

****

After that revealing chat at her father’s
house, Jacob did what he usually did with pain and medicated it
with alcohol. Waking up with another hangover, he fumbled for the
intercom to call Beth to take care of him…and remembered she wasn’t
there. The guest house was empty, the mansion was empty, and he had
no appointments.