Authors: Amy Johnson
“Now what?” he asked, “
A
nything else we need to do
?
” He looked at his watch as if he had a schedule to keep. He sort of did really. He was going to give Megan one week. He’d pretend to look for her list of guys while he seduced her into wanting him so bad she’
d
sell her soul for just one night. Then
,
at the last moment when the mood was set, the time was right, and she was eating out of his hands, he’d zip up and walk away, not even giving her a taste. Two could play the game of revenge and she had just met her match. And while the game was in motion he planned to make it hell on her, making her do the most ridiculous things he could think of. Nothing mean or dangerous of course, just a few things to make it fun.
“Now I feed you,” Megan said grabbing his hand and hauling him inside the house. He felt his body burn up from her heat and kicked himself in the chin to compensate. So she scored the first point, she’d caught him off guard his head said. His heart said, yeah right, you’re toast.
Megan ordered pizza and the whole gang was crammed in the kitchen chowing down when the backdoor opened and Megan’s mom poked her head in carrying a plastic bag from Rite-Aid. She settled her gaze on Jack and said, “Good
,
you’re here too.” Jack scooted his chair a good foot from Megan’s and plastered an innocent look on his face, keeping his eyes on her purse.
“Don’t worry
,
I’m not going to hit you,” she said, “unless you get her pregnant.” Megan let her head fall face first on the table and asked God for a meteorite to come through the roof and land directly on her head leaving nothing but Megan bits for her mother to sweep up. As usual God was on the other line and didn’t take her call. Meanwhile, her mother was digging through the plastic bag. Jack just sat there going for innocent, but looking more like sex against the wall.
“Ma’am I have no intentions of…” he began but her mother interrupted him.
“Well
,
I didn’t intend to get pregnant either but that didn’t stop me. So I…”
Megan’s head shot up., What, now she
’s
illegitimate? “I thought I was planned,” she said
.
H
er mother said, “You were honey, after you were conceived.”
Everyone gaped at Mrs. J in shock and Mickey came up and wrapped a long hairy arm around her neck and said, “Mother Teresa, you got knocked up. That’s so cool.”
She removed his arm
.
“Shut up
,
Michael,” she told him then turned back to Jack. “Now I’ve taken the liberty of picking up a few things for you. What size are you?” She realized what she’d said then blushed bright red. Jack sat still
,
an incredulous smile on his face
.
“What I meant to say is,” she pulled out several boxes of condoms and squinted to read the sizes on the box. Megan dropped her head with a thud. “Do you take a small, medium, large
,
or Magnum?” Megan banged her head. Had her mother just said Magnum? Holy shit!
“Mom!”
s
he shouted, “You’ve got the wrong idea, me and Jack are just…”
“Megan, I know when someone’s got it and you’ve got it bad. Now be quiet while I talk to your boyfriend.” Megan contemplated suffocating herself with the plastic bag. “Now young man, I know boys like to boast but you have to be honest with me here. If you get one that’s too small it’ll break and Megan’s father will have to shoot you if you don’t marry her.” Jack opened his mouth to protest and she waved him off. “And if you get one that’s say a Magnum and it’s too big, it’ll fall off and you’ll be running from that shot gun again. So be honest and if you want me to I’ll bend down so you can whisper it in my ear.” She winked. “It’ll be just between us.” Dr. Ross had noticed that he and Josie were still holding hands and he jerked his away. He did not want to be next.
Jack didn’t look like he wanted to be first but he said in as a kind a voice he could muster, “I’m not sure what size I am
.
I’ve never measured him, it.”
Megan had decided that if her mother asked him to whip it out and determine what size he wore by trying a few on, she’d have to kill her mother. She wouldn’t like it, but it would have to be done. Thankfully her mother had other ideas. She opened the box labeled medium and held the condom in the air. “What do you think, too big, too small?” Jack shook his head. She opened another box.
“Mom!” Megan yelled this time
,
getting up from the table and taking all four of the boxes. She threw them all on the counter where Mickey picked up the Magnum and stuffed it under his shirt. “We don’t need condoms! We are not having sex!” Yet
,
she added silently looking at Jack sitting there radiating passion and head board thumping sex. Maybe she should hang on to those condoms just in case.
“Well not right now you’re not. I can see that,” her mother said
.
“But later on might be a different story.” Megan gave up.
“Fine, leave the rubbers and I promise to have him try them on if the need arises.”
“It better rise
,
” Josie said
,
and Megan threw a spatula at her. “Well I’m just stating the obvious.” Jack shifted in his chair, feeling the most uncomfortable he ever could. If Megan’s mother was worried about birth control she could relax. After this conversation if the occasion did ever arise he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get it up without envisioning her mother in the room with them. Then whatever came up would definitely go back down in a hurry.
“Okay, but make sure you get a tight fit.”
The room erupted with laughter and Megan slapped herself in the forehead. “Mother!” she said
.
H
er mother looked at her clueless
.
“What?” she asked.
“Nothing Mother,” Megan gathered her mom’s purse and put it on the woman’s shoulder turning her towards the door. “Thanks for stopping by. Sorry you couldn’t stay long. See you later.”
“Wait, I’m not done,” her mother protested.
“Yes you are,” Megan nudged her mother with her hip. “Go away, run along.”
“Let her finish,” Ali said, “If she can top that, I’m calling Fox and getting her her own sitcom. Maybe call Jerry Springer or Howard Stern?”
“Yeah, what else you got, Mrs. J?” Josie asked. “French ticklers? Pecker rings? Battery operated fun guns?” Megan covered her face with her hands. Jack assessed the exits. Megan’s mom blushed and looked like she’d been hit with a Cadillac.
“Where’s the tequila?” Stacy asked.
“You were saying, Mrs. J?” Mickey said grinning from ear to ear.
“Well, Megan I needed to tell you that I made you an appointment with the OBGYN, you’re going to need to get on the pill.”
“I can write her a prescription for that.” Dr. Ross said
,
and her mother marked that off her list.
“I also made you an appointment to get your teeth cleaned
.
” She explained the logic and suggested Jack do the same
.
“And I found this Victoria’s
S
ecret catalog mixed in with your father’s ‘Field and Streams’. I highlighted some classy items.” Megan took the catalog without looking at it and threw it on the counter. “And
I brought this for the dogs
.
” She pulled out a video tape labeled ‘Lassie Reruns’
.
“You used to love this when you were little. You probably watched it a hundred times. Anyhow, I thought it could keep the pups’ busy while you two…uh…you know.” She walked over and pinched Jack on the cheek. “You two have fun now.”
Jack sat there, a perplexed, incredulous look on his face. He would have said something if he’d known what the hell to say.
“Mom, get out,” she tried to put all of her mother’s sexual aids in the bag but the bottom fell out and everything hit the floor. “We’re not having sex, I’m not buying Victoria’s
S
ecret, my teeth are clean, I’m on the pill, and the dogs aren’t allowed to watch T.V.” She took her mother’s key ring and fumbled with it. “And I am taking back my house key. You are not allowed to come over here anymore. You have lost you
r
freaking mind and
—
”
“But the door was wide open
.
I didn’t use my key,” her mother said.
“She’s right Meg
.
T
he door was…”
“Mickey! Shut up! Go play with your Magnums!” She finally got her key removed and flung the keys at her mother.
“Go to church
,
M
om. Bake something or sanitize something. Just go.”
“But I was only trying to be supportive,” her mother said, her eyes soft. “You’re my only child and I just want you to be happy. If he makes you happy then…”
She looked from Jack to Megan admiringly and said with excitement, “Oh
,
you two are going to make such beautiful babies.” Megan opened the door and pushed her mother through it
.
“You kids have fun now. Stay out of trouble. Josie you hang on to that one
.
H
e looks like a good one. Stacy…” Megan slammed the door and bolted both locks. She stood with her back against the door, her arms spread out as if she were holding it up. “Not a word from any of you,” she growled and grabbed Jack’s arm and
dragged
him out the front door. Jack reluctantly went, laughing the whole way.
“Should we put on Lassie?” Ali hollered just before the door shut so hard it knocked stucco off the outside of the house.
“I’m so sorry
,
Jack. She’s nuts, a certifiable loony toon! I wasn’t sure until today but there’s no question now.” Megan laughed out of hysteria
.
“I think she’s smoking pot or abusing Metamucil. I’m going to talk to my father about getting her some help. She…” Jack put his hand on her knee and gave it a light squeeze.
“Meg,” he said trying his best not to laugh because she was serious
,
but the whole damn thing was just hilarious. “Meg, it’s fine. She just loves you. Maybe this is her way of being helpful.” Megan narrowed her eyes and gave him her best What-Are-You-Freaking-Nuts-Monkey-Boy look. “Really, it’s no big deal.” It was a big deal. Her mother was trying to help her get laid. She almost told Jack how ridiculous that sounded until she realized that was what he was doing. Helping her get laid. She buried her hands in her head and started to cry.
Lead with your head, Jack reminded himself. “Don’t cry
,
Meg. It’s not that bad.”
“It’s not that bad? Ha! I’m thirty years old, with two black eyes, a swollen nose, a big, honking, yellow knot on my forehead, and the haircut from hell. As if that isn’t enough, I had a transvestite in my bed this morning, my husband is a lying, cheating, cradle robbing, bastard, who at some point slept with my best friend.” Jack scooted over to the middle of the seat, and stopped listening to his head and wrapped his arms around her. Big mistake! From inside, four faces were pressed to the window. “My last orgasm-with a partner- was…hell I can’t remember when! I frequently knock myself out for entertainment purposes, I have little boobs, big feet, squishy panties, nosy neighbors
,
and
a
demon possessed fish. God hates me!” Jack held her tighter “I have frequent flyer miles at the hospital. I fed my husband marijuana Ex-lax brownies and shoved a marble up his butt.” Jack pulled away to look at her and she was serious. And crying. Big, sad, alligator tears that made his heart swell. “My mother is a holy rolling, Catholic Dr. Ruth, complete with condoms and Rosary beads. I write about relationships and sex, both of which I suck at
,
and I hired a Private Investigator to pimp me out.” Jack burst out laughing and she pushed him away and swatted his shoulder. “And now you’re laughing at me. Could things get any worse?”
At that precise moment Josie rapped on the window and after Jack pushed the button on his side to lower it she threw the box of Magnum sized condoms in the window. “Here, use two and call me in the morning.” She had Dr. Ross’s stethoscope around her neck and she added, “Doctor’s orders.” Megan rolled the window up and thought about throwing herself under the tires of a fast moving semi.
“At least she got the size right,” Jack said.
“She always does
,
Magnum.”
***
Megan glanced at her list as Jack was driving her home. She had ten names on it to begin with and they’d already determined that four of them weren’t still in Parker Point. That left the following: Chase Kilborne with his fatal orgasms and whipped cream bikinis. Clint Waters, AKA Sex on A Stick. Travis McPhillips, and mechanical bulls, Stetson Strip Teases and one dollar bills. Ben Jacobs, rebel without a cause with the best butt in Parker Point. Drake Colburn and his magic tongue. Aaron Sharp, fetish for felonious women.