Authors: Amy Johnson
Mickey nodded his head and said,
“
Yeah he got suspended but he said it was worth it because he got Mrs. F’s phone number.”
Ali added, “And he was labeled Best Butt in Parker Point.”
“O
K
,” Megan said scrawling his name down, “he goes on the list. But if he’s in jail I’m not doing him. Next.” They continued their search, pausing to make fun of those who were style challenged or not genetically gifted. “How bout him?” Megan asked, pointing to a picture of Jody Collins.
Josie held up her pinky and said, “Been there, or at least I think it was there
.
I
t was too small for me to tell really.” Stacy laughed and agreed with Josie. Guess she’d been there too.
“Find Eric Worley,” Ali said
.
“I dated him my junior year. We didn’t go all the way but if kisses are any indication then he’s a definite ten in the bedroom.”
“He’s married,” Stacy reported and Megan frowned, “his wife goes to my gym. Let’s find Aaron Sharp
.
I know he’s single and he was hot stuff back in the day.”
They found Aaron smiling seductively next to a girl with big hair and a bony kid and a cowboy hat. “See? He was hot back then, still is. Remember he dated Felony Melanie back then- a name she’d been given for her habit of stealing her father’s car-along with most of the cheerleading squad. He was the man back then.” Megan remembered him. He used to hang around with Ted.
She looked at Josie for her input but Josie flipped her hand in the air and said, “He had a skater cut, I wasn’t into skaters back then.” Finally somebody Josie hadn’t slept with
.
Megan added him to the list.
“Oh, Oh,” Mickey said excitedly, “find Drake Colburn
.
”
E
veryone gave him a look that said ‘duh’
.
H
e shook his head rapidly, “No he’s not gay, my sister used to date him. Well not really a date, just one time, but she still talks about that boy and his magical tongue to this day. Just think how much better he’d be now that he’s had some time to perfect his skills.
”
Megan scrawled his name down.
“And don’t forget Chase Kilborne,” Ali said
,
and there was a collective sigh followed by the word “Awww” from everyone in the room. Chase was Mr. Popularity. His nickname was Killer because it was rumored that he’d once killed a girl by giving her a fatal orgasm. He was the one all the girls wanted to play spin the bottle with just so that they could say they’d kissed him.
“Yeah, Chase is a definite yes!” Ali said
.
“I think there’s
,
like
,
a shrine to him somewhere in the school like the Vietnam memorial, only it has the names of the women he left heart broken and extremely satisfied.” She shivered and smiled at the memory. Mickey pounced like flies on a cow patty.
“You little slut! You and Chase?” Ali’s smile widened and she said sweetly, “A lady never tells.”
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Mickey said. “He live up to his reputation?”
“Yep. Twice
,
” Ali said
.
Josie said, “Twice? Damn, you must’ve swung off the chandelier in a whip cream bikini to make it to repeat offender status. He never slept with the same girl twice.” Dr. Ross seemed to be fantasizing about Josie and a big tub of whipped cream.
“O
K
, so Chase goes to the top of the list
,
” Megan said underlining his name three times. She also made a mental note to check Josie’s black book for his rating.
“And don’t forget Clint Waters,” Stacy said. “He was so fine, but he didn’t get around much.” She flipped
through
the W’s until she found him. “He was kind of shy but the girls he did sleep with started a support group when he moved. He’s back now, recently divorced
,
and looking like sex on a stick.” Everyone surveyed Stacy’s face and Megan checked to make sure her tea wasn’t spiked. “Hell
,
if I wasn’t married to Scott I’d have him on a plate with a side of mashed potatoes.” Megan reminded herself to stash Stacy’s keys.
“O
K
, Clint Waters, AKA Sex on a Stick, just took the #2 spot,” Megan said
.
“Now what about Derek James? What did everyone used to call him?”
“Motor mouth,” Josie supplied
.
“
H
e used to do this thing with his lips that would leave you so breathless you’d need CPR to revive you.” She began demonstrating the task while Mickey tried to mirror her actions and Dr
.
Ross paid close attention. “But you don’t want him on the list
.
” Megan had already written his name down and she paused
.
“
H
e’s let himself go
;
beer gut, scraggly hair, trailer park. Guess now his nick name is Motor butt, what with all the beer farts and all.”
Megan scratched his name off as Ali and Stacy let out “Eeyuww” shrieks and Dr. Ross laughed.
“Oh, let’s find Van Castillo. He was major backseat material,” Ali said and Josie and Mickey both shouted “Gay” at the same time.
“Hey, what about Travis McPhillips? Remember him
?
Wranglers, boots, belt buckle
,
and Stetson hat,” Josie said
.
“
H
e used to tilt his cowboy hat, give that devilish grin, and wink at you with a look that said buckle up. We did it on the mechanical bull in his dad’s old warehouse and let me tell you, I definitely got more than an 8 second ride. Shit, I can’t even watch a rodeo on T.V
.
without my nipples getting hard
.
” She shivered. “If you do him, make sure you have plenty of singles
.
” Megan looked at her confused. “One dollar bills. He invented the Stetson Strip Tease; it’s kind of his trademark.” Megan quickly added his name, underling it twice and drew dollar signs next to it. A strip tease and a mechanical bull? Looks like Travis just tied Chase for first place.
By around mid-night the party was winding down. Megan had her list of fantasy sex candidates, Mickey had a full drag makeover, Stacy had an empty bottle of Tequila, Josie had plans to play doctor, and Ali called Bill for phone sex. All in all, it had been an exciting night.
Megan went outside and let the dogs in, cuddling them close before filling their bowls with dog food and went in the living room to check on Spot. His water was still clear, so apparently nobody had emptied their beer in his bowl in an attempt to get him drunk, although there was a beer cap floating like a little fish raft at the top of the bowl. She dumped some food in his bowl, blew him a kiss and went upstairs to brush her teeth. Josie came in the bathroom a moment later.
“Meg, you mind if I split?” Josie was going through Megan’s lipsticks, opening each one, extending it all the way out and then closing them. “I think everybody else is staying.”
“No, go ahead. You had plans tonight anyway. Have fun.”
“He’s pretty great huh?” Uh oh, Josie never looked at guys as being great. She looked at them like they were lunch and once the hunger was gone so were they.
“Yeah, he seems sweet.” So sweet, he didn’t stand a chance next to Josie.
“I really like him.”
“Josie, you just said the L word. You like this guy?”
She smiled and looked up thoughtfully, “I did huh? Wow. I must
really be drunk, but yeah he’s
…different from other guys. He’s more…”
“Conservative? Law abiding? Disease Free?”
Josie seemed to ponder each attribute and said, “He’s just…I don’t know, but he’s something. Anyways, we’re going to go to his place. He has his Doctor’s bag there. We’re going to play Gynecologist
.
” Josie gave Megan a quick peck on the cheek, threw her bag over her shoulder
,
and took off. Megan turned back to the mirror shaking her head. She gave her teeth one last final scrubbing in honor of her mother, spit and rinsed
,
and crawled into her bed.
Saturday was a beautiful morning. The sky was overcast with a slight breeze, the leaves falling off the trees in slow motion. It was something you’d see on a post card, autumn morning, serene and quiet. Megan was snug in her bed, the covers pulled up to her chin, Bitty and Bug possessively on either side of her. If the damn phone would quit ringing she’d be in heaven. She rolled to glance at the clock on the night stand, the big red letters telling her it was 6:30. What kind of person called at 6:30 on a Saturday? Her
m
other. Or Ted. She let the machine pick it up; she could call her mother back and Ted…well never mind Ted. If Ted was so lonely, he could call Tiffany Triple D.
The phone rang again. She put her pillow over her head and hummed the Star Spangled Banner. It stopped as the machine got it and then almost instantly it rang again. She crossed her eyes and sang ‘I’m a Little Tea Pot’. It continued to ring. She was just about to get up and get the damn thing when Mickey filled her doorway carrying the cordless. He fell face down on her bed, his feet hanging off about a foot, and handed her the phone. “It’s for you,” he mumbled and instantly fell back asleep.
“Who is it?” She asked and got a grunt and a snore for an answer. She tapped his shoulder and asked again and he batted her hand away and put the pillow over his head. “Mickey?” she whispered and he
,
keeping the pillow over his head, reached one hand out and pushed her off the bed. She hit the floor with a thud and retrieved the phone from where it had fallen under the bed.
“Hello?”
s
he said and was greeted with Jack’s sexy voice, perky as hell.
“Rise and shine boss.”
“Boss? This mean you’re going to take the job?” she asked standing up and taking the phone with her to the bathroom. Her black eyes were now purple and she had bed head. Well at least she was still beautiful on the inside right?
“I have a few conditions but if you agree, yeah
,
I’ll take it. What was that noise, you fall out of bed?”
“No, I have a drag queen in my bed.”
“You’re an interesting woman
,
Megan Malone.” She could hear him smiling. No one in their right mind smile
d
before eight o’clock in the morning.
“So I’ve heard. What are these conditions?”
“Well first it’s going to cost you.” She’d figured that much.
“Alright. What else?”
“How many guys we looking for?” He tried to keep his tone light even though he was grinding his teeth so hard he had shards of enamel on his tongue.
“About eight or ten
,
give or take.” Unless he found Chase or Sex on A Stick first.
“Well, I work by myself and this is a big job so if you want these guys found before Haley’s Comet comes back I’m going to need some help.”
“Okay,” Megan said carefully. What was she supposed to do, run an ad in the newspaper? ‘Wanted, PI assistant to help find high school sex legends for lonely, bored, inexperienced divorcee.’ Yeah, that would set well with her mother. “So?”
“So, the only way I’m going to do this is if you help me.” She was already protesting when he said, “You probably want to check these guys out first anyway. Kind of window shop ‘em, before you decide to make a purchase. We’ll start today. Be ready at 0700 hours.” Dammit Jack, it was too early for math.
“I can’t
.
I have to
,
uh…” Wash her hair? Scrub the tile grout? Electrocute herself?
“
W
ork. I have to work today. Yep, really busy day at work.”
“You work? Doesn’t matter
.
L
ook
,
I’m putting other cases on hold for you,” he lied. “Call in sick today
.
I’ll be there at 0700 if you want me to do it. If not
,
that’s fine too
.
” He tried to feel guilty about doing this to her, but couldn’t.
“You have to do it. If you don’t, I’ll have you thrown in jail. You burglarized Ted’s studio and I witnessed it…”
He’d thought of that already. “No
,
I burglarized his brother’s studio and you can’t prove it. First of all I didn’t steal anything and secondly I wore gloves. And you were drunk by the way; the police will think you were hallucinating.”
“My mother saw you. They’d believe her,” Megan argued.
“Maybe
.
B
ut do you think your mother is going to want all the neighbors to know that she had to rescue her drunk daughter from humping a burglar? That would be front page news in Parker Point. It would be quite scandalous.”