Love Survives (44 page)

He turned away. “We should go check on Kat. I’m sure she wants to see both of you.”

Before he finished speaking I was already heading toward the doors I wasn’t able to get through before. My father buzzed the ringer once, and they came open, giving us entrance. I followed him back to the room, finding my whole family standing there. Branch was backing up when he spotted me entering. I watched my mother do the same thing, giving me and my daughter the space we required.

“There she is, bug. Just like you said. Tell Mama hi.”

“Hi, Mama.”

Kat’s response was weak. I could feel the same strain to my own body seeing her in such pain. I wished I could take it all away. “Hi, baby.”

I reached down and took her hand into mine. The tears in my eyes couldn’t be controlled. This was too intense. “Don’t you ever do that to us again. My heart can’t take it.”

Kat cried softly. “I’m so sorry. I just wanted to get him away. I didn’t mean to cause the accident.”

“What do you mean? Bobby was intoxicated; way over the legal limit. He shouldn’t have even been conscious.” I was pissed. I’d been in the ambulance with him. I’d smelled the alcohol and seen how belligerent he was acting. There was no way this was her fault.

“I hit him in the face with the bottle of bourbon. He was hurting me and threatening me, saying he was going to take B away. I just wanted him to let me go. I wanted it to stop.”

“You stopped it alright and almost died doing it. You weren’t even wearing a seatbelt,” Branch added from behind me. It was strange seeing my brother so torn up. I think in so many ways he really did blame himself for all this. Perhaps it was partly his fault. The chain of events happened because he’d been selfish. For now, all I cared about was having Kat in my life.

“I’ve got this, bro. Why don’t you take Mom for a walk and give us a minute?” I needed to be alone with Kat. I wanted her to know how stubborn she’d been for thinking she could handle him on her own. Had she come running out back I would’ve protected her, but I knew she was more worried about disappointing the family with the brutal truth of her being married, to a monster at that.

I pulled up a chair once they were gone, sitting closely to Kat’s hospital bed.

“You know I’m mad, right?”

She attempted to shrug. I could tell she was upset with herself. “I had my reasons, Brooks. I didn’t want him in your parent’s house.”

I hated even thinking about the moment I realized she was gone. “Kat, I got out of that pool and B jumped back in. I had to retrieve her before I could get a towel and come inside to look for you. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I never assumed that Bobby had driven all that way to kidnap you.”

“I’m sorry,” she cried. “I didn’t know what to do. All I could think of was getting him away from you and B. I knew she was safe, no matter what happened to me.”

“Listen to yourself. What about me, Kat? Did you ever consider how you being gone would affect me? Did you even think that being without you again would kill me? We’re a team, remember? No more lies or secrets. You promised.”

She shook her head as if that wasn’t enough. “I did what I had to do whether you believe me or not. I wanted you to save me, but I didn’t have time to think about it. I had to get him away from our family.”

“He could have killed you, Kat. Tell me something. Did those marks on your face and arms come from him, or the accident?”

Kat sobbed more, giving me the answer without saying anything. He’d hit her again, and if he wasn’t in the morgue, I’d be in that room strangling him myself. I hated considering my actions volatile, but nothing was going to prevent me from protecting my girls. “Please don’t hate me,” she whispered.

I squeezed her hand, trying to cope with my own emotions. Tears were falling down my face, but only because I was too wired to convince myself that she was going to be fine. “Have you ever felt so happy that you’re almost wondering when something bad is going to happen?”

She moved her head up and down.

“Then you know what it was like to pull up to that accident and know that I could have prevented it.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” she argued.

I looked down at our daughter and then back up to Kat. “It doesn’t even matter anymore. He won’t be bothering you again.”

“Did he get arrested? Is he going to jail?”

“He didn’t make it, Kat. He passed on during surgery.”

Her monitors started beeping, and from the look on her face I could tell she was freaking out. What I couldn’t bring myself to understand was why? Why would she care if he was gone? Our problems were over. He couldn’t hurt her, threaten her, or stand in our way of being married. His death literally solved all of it. In that very moment I realized she wasn’t on the same page as me.

It crushed me.

The idea of her caring about someone who caused her pain was unimaginably difficult. I couldn’t rationalize with it. “Please don’t this, Kat. Don’t shut me out.”

“I want to be alone.” She pulled her hand out of mine.

I touched her leg, hoping she wouldn’t push that away as well. “I’m not leaving this room. I’m never leaving you again.”

“Brooks, don’t you see how toxic we are? Someone is dead because of us. He didn’t start out as a violent man. Bobby took care of me. He gave me a home, and loved me, even when he knew I could never feel the same way about him. I know you don’t understand this, but I did love him in some ways. For a while he was all I had. That man loved our daughter. He treated her like she was his own flesh and blood. People in town even believed it. He lived every day to make her happy. Go ahead and sit there imagining all the bad. I know you are. You didn’t know him like I did. You’ll never understand how it feels to know I had a hand in his death.”

What could I say to that?

How on earth was I supposed to rationalize with how she was portraying the man? I didn’t know him. She was right. I could only judge the parts I knew about, which were violent and erratic. “I’m sorry you feel this way. I wish I could take away the pain. Your heart is so much bigger than mine.”

I couldn’t stop crying like a pathetic baby. When she looked at me, I felt like she didn’t even want me around. I was trying so hard to understand, to be compassionate, but all I came up with was the same result.

I hated him.

I was glad he was out of the picture.

Now I feared that instead of this helping us build a future, it was going to be a huge setback; one that could separate us once again.

Chapter 52

Several hours later,
when visiting times were over, my family headed back to the house. I sat quietly in the chair next to the medical bed. It was hard to contain the feelings that I was trying to keep bottled up. This hurt me so much, feeling her slipping away, as if the past week hadn’t meant anything at all. "Kat, please say something to me. I don't understand why you're doing this. He put your life in danger. You did what you thought you had to do."


"I ended his life."


"The accident ended his life."


"I caused the accident. I killed him."


"His drinking killed him, Kat."
Why couldn’t she see that? What was so special about him that made her throw away everything else?

"No. He used to tell me that all he ever wanted was for me to be happy. He didn't mean it like this, Brooks. I ruin everything I touch. I always have."


"That's your pain medicine talking."

Her next statement shocked me. I was so taken back by her change in demeanor that it took me a second to comprehend it all. "No. I’m a very selfish person that went after what I wanted, not even considering how drastic the consequences would be. I can't do this right now, Brooks."


The worst part of all this was the fact that I had to head back to South Carolina. My leave was over, and I was expected back to base. "If we don't talk now, it's going to have to be over the phone. I've got to head back to Fort Jackson first thing in the morning to report back for duty. Mom's going to take care of you and B until I can fly back next weekend."

I didn’t know what she was thinking about when I said it. Kat looked away from me, silently sobbing to herself. I half expected her to tell me to walk out the door and never come back.

When she finally responded she was choked up. "So you'll call?"


I reached for her hand, wanting to give her reassurance. "Kat, we'll get through this. I promise. Don’t you dare give up on us. I know what you're thinking. Don’t do it. Please don't push me away."


I was basically saying goodbye to her, praying it would only be temporary. "I'm so sorry, Brooks. Please don't look at me like that."


I stood up and peered into her eyes, praying she’d understand how I wasn’t willing to give up anything with her. "I love you with everything I have in me. I know what it's like feeling like you caused someone's death. I can see it all over your face. They train us to handle those situations, so when you're ready to talk about it, rationally, you pick up that phone and I'll be there.” I kissed her lips before whispering into her ear. "I will never give up on you."


I had to leave the room, not because I wanted to get away from her, but because I wasn’t able to control my need to break down completely. I waited until I reached the stairs before burying my face into my hands.

When I arrived at the house I didn’t climb into my own bed to sleep. Instead I found comfort sleeping next to my little girl. It killed me knowing I had to leave, but I didn’t have the resources to take her with me. While she nestled her warm body against mine I sat up watching her breathe. I played with a ringlet on her head, twisting it around my finger. Tears streamed down my face while I silently strained to acknowledge the fact that I was leaving them behind. Somehow, after being apart for two years, a five day separation seemed like too long to be away from them.

When she began to stir I rested my head down and pulled her close. She opened her eyes briefly and smiled. “Daddy.”

“I’m here, baby. Daddy’s never going to leave you again. I promise.” I didn’t mean that I wasn’t heading back to South Carolina. I mean that once she was home, we’d be together forever. “I love you so much.”

That night I cried myself to sleep, much like the night when I was a teenager and found out Kat had picked Branch over me. Mistake or not, it broke me. I swore I’d never feel that pain again, but it had repeated throughout my life, all surrounding around my love for Kat. Now it wasn’t just my love for her that made all this so hard. My little girl had become my reason to smile. I was going to miss both of them so much.

That next morning I hugged my family goodbye, managing to keep it together until after I kissed my daughter and turned around. When I arrived at the hospital I wasn’t much better.

Kat was eating her breakfast. She sat her fork down when I came into the room. “Hey, you.”

“Hey.” I leaned down to kiss her. “I wanted to come by before I left. I’m going to drive straight through.”

“Will you call me when you arrive? I’ll be worried.”

“Of course. Don’t fret. As soon as I’m on base I’ll make sure to call. You’ll be at Mom and Dad’s by then. I heard him saying he was going to move some things around to fit the wheelchair. Your biggest obstacle will probably be our daughter. She’s going to want a ride constantly.”

Kat smiled. “I know you’re mad at me right now, Brooks. You have every right to be. I wish I could change how I feel about this. I think I just need time. I’ve got to make calls, and arrangements. I’ll be responsible for getting his body shipped home. I’m not looking forward to dealing with his family.”

“Just keep in mind that you didn’t do this to him. I don’t give a shit what you think about it. He chose to come here and put your lives in danger. He chose to hurt you, over and over again. Nothing you say will change that.”

Kat looked away. I knew she was upset with what I was saying, but I was getting sick of watching her blame herself for everything. People are responsible for their own actions. She didn’t beg to be beaten, and she certainly didn’t invite him to kidnap her from my parent’s residence. “Brooks, please don’t do this when you’re getting ready to leave.”

“Why? It’s how I feel.”

“What if something happens? What if this is our last conversation?”

Then I realized she was afraid of me driving. Of course, she’d just been in an accident. It was expected that she’d assume the worst.  “Baby, I’m not going anywhere. When I get there I’m going to call and prove it to you. Nothing is going to keep us from having a future. You keep that in mind while we’re apart.”

She shook her head to agree. I could tell she was choking back her tears.

I kissed her one more time. “I’ve got to get on the road. I love you with all my heart. You better miss me.”

When I left the room, I knew she wasn’t okay. The longer I stayed the more I wished I didn’t have to go at all. While Kat had things to do regarding Bobby, I had other plans that needed attention. Like it or not, I was going to move in with her. Her regret wasn’t going to force me away.