Love Resisted (Entwined Hearts #2) (7 page)

What the fuck am I going on about?

Dane chuckles. “Fuck, Tink, you do make me laugh. Even when I feel like shit.”

Phew…good save, Soph!

He composes himself and shakes his head, his face changing as his eyes narrow and his lips thin. “She just wasn’t vibrant and bubbly anymore and hardly spoke to anyone apart from me. I spent as much time with her as possible. I told Shelly to keep Kurtis away from her, to ease up on the work and to stop hitting the kids in his care. Making sure that she understood if he didn’t stop, next time I would kill him. She didn’t seem too bothered about that. Informing her that I would also make sure everyone knew about her night time habits shut the bitch up pretty quick. Things got easier after that. We still had chores and Kurtis still sat around like a lazy fuck, but there were no more beatings and Elizabeth was left alone. We became closer to the point where I considered her my girlfriend and she spent most nights in my bed. We weren’t doing anything sexual, but I think she felt safer in my arms. I loved her and I would’ve given her the world if I could have.

“We used to spend almost every minute together. I always remember calling her Nova. I thought it was pretty, but also I always thought of her as a supernova. I remember learning about them at school the day before she arrived.”

He stops and smiles. “They said supernova are an explosion that briefly outshines the entire galaxy. It radiates as much as the sun would over its entire lifespan. That’s how bright it is. Then it can just disappear, take its light away for weeks or months until it triggers again. I don’t think I realised how apt that nickname was until just now. She was amazing,” he stops speaking.

I can feel my heart beating in my chest for him as well as the pain pouring off him. Like the sudden change in emotion has come from somewhere else and taken him over.

“When I started nearing my seventeenth birthday, I was at college and spotted by a scout for a modelling agency. They asked me to go to their studios in central London and have some photos taken. From that point on it was a whirlwind. I got signed and work started flooding in. I wanted to leave that house but didn’t have enough money to support me
and
Elizabeth. I needed to wait until she was sixteen, so she could leave. Kurtis didn’t care that I was still there, he just demanded money from me directly now. I hated that fucker but paid him so I could be with her.” He stops talking and flexes his fingers balling his hands into fists, then releasing them just to ball them up again.

“What?” I ask. “What is it?”

“I…” he stops again.

“Go on, it’s okay. Tell me. Just let it go,” I whisper.

“A month before she turned sixteen, I got offered a contract. It was for a shoot in America. This was a huge deal because it was almost unheard of back then, and it was enough money to set us up somewhere. I accepted immediately. I didn’t even talk to her first.”

He looks up at the ceiling and closes his eyes briefly. “That’s when I saw that look, the day I told her I was leaving for three weeks. She knew I was leaving her at the mercy of that fucker, Kurtis. I told Ryan to watch her. He had moved out already, but I knew he would come round every day to make sure she was okay. There was a new boy there, he was fifteen. Good kid. I told him to call Ryan if he thought Elizabeth was in trouble and he promised he would. Still…I left her to the wolves. I know she thought that too because no matter what happens in my life, I’ll never get the look on her face out of my head. Never.”

He takes a few breaths and bites his lip then carries on.

“I went on my shoot. When I came back, she was gone. Nobody knew where she’d gone or why she left. I searched for her but never found her. She stole my heart, then she ran away with it. After all these years, it still resides with her. I never got the chance to claim her, as I would have done after I grew some pubic hairs and realised what it was to claim a woman you love. But she sure as shit claimed me, without even trying.”

I can feel the hurt just by listening to his voice. It surrounds us and he lives with that every day. I throw myself at him and just hold on, trying to absorb his pain.

“It could never be anyone else…could it?” I whisper the question, but it’s not really a question as I already know the answer.

He shakes his head. “No, if I'm honest with myself, I don’t think so. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to play you Tink. I hope you know that’s not me?” he asks softly while pulling me back so he can look into my eyes.

“No, of course not. I think we’re both trying to look for something that doesn’t exist without them being a part of it,” I say sadly.

He cups my face and strokes my cheek. “Saul will come around, he has to. If he doesn’t, then he’s letting the best thing that will ever happen to him slip through his fingers. He will never be full, complete. He will always be missing something. You.”

“Thanks, Dane, you really are a good friend.”

We sit in silence for long moments, both in our own world of thought, huddled together, holding onto one another like the other is our saviour. Slowly we pull apart and relax back into the sofa.

Dane is the first to speak. “So Soph, I was thinking. Now we have this cleared up…as painful as that crap was…” He grins, but it’s shadowed by sadness. “You have been complaining about your living situation. If you want, I have room?”

I widen my eyes and stare at him. “Are you asking me to move in Mr. Matthews?” I say fluttering my eyelashes in an over exaggerated way. He chuckles and this time it’s not forced or fake and I’m glad we’ve moved the conversation on.

“If you want to? There are five bedrooms in this house. I have one, you can pick from any of the other four.”

I gaze around the conservatory and into the beautiful garden. Even though it’s only the beginning of April, the space outside is starting to come alive.

“I won’t do gardening,” I blurt out and Dane’s lips twitch.

“Didn’t think you would, Tink, besides I have a gardener who does that shit.”

“Wow!” I breathe out. “You really are like a big shot, huh! I should have snapped you up. I could’ve lived in the lap of luxury.” I say sticking my tongue out at him.

“That’s why I was actually interested in seeing where things went with you because you’re not that person. Don’t you ever get bored being surrounded by that shit?” he asks and I think back to my last photo shoot and feeling that exact same way.

“Yeah…maybe it’s time for a change. When can I move in?” I ask with a wink.

I feel the burn chasing its course through my arm as I stretch it, then the jolt as it connects with the punching bag. I love my gym, love Murphy’s gym more, but setting up my gym at home was good because I like the quiet lately. I have three bedrooms, so I adapted one into a gym. It’s been hard…training, but not being up to scratch. Everyone thinks I’m fine now. Well, everyone except Pea, who still fusses over me.

The truth?
The truth is I’m far from fucking fine. My body aches almost daily and I have to force myself to use the gym, knowing I need to so my body can loosen up. I probably shouldn’t be pushing this hard when I’m here, but I need to focus on something, anything that keeps my mind clear instead of overthinking all the time.

It doesn’t matter what I do though because all my fucking brain does, is overthink. Mainly about Soph…actually it’s mainly about Soph and Dane if I’m really honest. I’ve pushed her away for years, knowing she deserves better than me. I sure as shit don’t want to end up like every other parental unit I’ve seen growing up. I don’t want that for Soph. At least, if we remain friends, I can always have her back. And kick the shit out of the fuckers that hurt her. I’ve had a few run-in’s over the years. Only Con knows that though.

Lately, I’ve realised that one day she’s going to move on and settle down.

My latest thought?
What if it’s with my new-fucking-brother?

Shaking my head and arms out while rolling my shoulders, I aim for the bag again punching with all my frustration. But it’s not enough. My body won’t give me enough right now. I’m getting a little better every day. But while my body is moving toward the light, my heart is being encompassed by the dark.

The question I can’t seem to answer though is,
‘What the fuck am I supposed to do now?’

I rock back and forth on the balls of my feet, standing in a queue has never been as boring as it is today. It’s because I’m ready to get home, I’m
desperate
to get home. I want to talk to Pea and then start packing my stuff. It’s not that I want to get away from her. It’s more that I’m beginning to feel suffocated there. Pea and Con have their whole
‘family’
thing going on and I want them to enjoy it, not be sitting there like a third wheel. And truthfully, when it gets to the point that you feel the need to hide yourself in your room at night, and you’re transported back to a time when you were expected to keep out of the way, then yeah, it’s time to move on.

They’re not aware that’s how I feel. They probably just think I'm unsociable. Ever since the attack they think that I’m scared of going out. Maybe they’re right. I have been scared, but not for the reasons they think. It’s because it was
him.
It’s because I froze, because he’s going to come back…and there’s nothing I can do about it.

"I'm moving in with Dane!" I hear from the other room and my body stills. It won't seem to unlock and I can feel my muscles pulsing.

"Hey bro," Con say softly from behind me, and he places his hand on my shoulder. "You okay?" he continues.

I say nothing, just nod my head once sharply.

"They're not bumping uglies, you know," he states, but that just makes my fists clench.

"Gotta go," I grind out, spinning around on my heel and getting the fuck out of there. I walk to the other side of town, glad that I didn't drive today needing the fresh air. I stop when realising I'm outside Murphy's gym. I've been trying to build my physical abilities back up so I can come back here. It's like this place is a big fucking target that I'm aiming for. But I'm not there yet. My strength is nearly back, but it's going to be a few more weeks until I can keep up in this place. Shaking my head, I turn around to walk home when I spot the pub opposite – The White Feather. I haven’t been in there for years. Today I feel like stepping back in time and getting shitfaced all at once.

I think I’ve been in this place for about an hour. It’s all a bit hazy. I’ve had about four beers and a couple of whiskeys, still needing more to stop thinking shit over. She’s my person. But for the fucking life of me I can’t get past the fact that I need to be her friend. I can’t risk her not being in my life at all because I do something to fuck it up…which I will.

Pondering my thoughts, something sparks my memory on the small shitty television in the corner just above my head. The music channel is on and I see the start of a music video. The words are slightly blurred and I’m not sure if it’s from the television or my eyes. I can just make out the words En Vogue – ‘Giving Him Something He Can Feel.’ Snorting at the title, I turn my head. I’ve never known the song title before now, but I do know the song, and the video remembering it from school. It’s etched in my mind.

I hated these stupid talent competitions. The only reason I came was to watch Soph, and because I had Con’s back while he pined like a dick over Pea. One day he was going to have to do something about that. It was getting to the stage where it was embarrassing and I was going to have to confiscate his man card…if he’d ever earned it. I chuckled to myself and Con looked at me like I was crazy. Probably fucking am. Just then, everything went quiet. I’d zoned out through most of the talent competition as usual, but this was the last act and that meant the girls were coming up. Mr. Portman announced them.

I watched her walk on stage. Soph. She was fucking beautiful.

They were all wearing these long arsed red dresses that stuck to every bit of their bodies. My eyes were focused on Soph though. Shit, I thought her tits were going to pop out of the top of the dress. I’ve never loved and hated an item of clothing before, but hell that girl could make me feel things I never thought possible. The song started playing and I glanced around the hall, everyone as usual was fixed on the girls. They always drew people in.

Some of the skanks got catty as fuck, and some of the lads needed a good beating the way they stared at them. Today was different though. As soon as they started singing I knew why. They’d been practicing a song for weeks, but this time they had copied the dance and the outfits from the music video. Usually, they just made up their own shit. But this one they’d been talking about for ages.

I’d had to endure Rosie and Una hanging around us as they made up the four-piece that apparently the girls just couldn’t manage without. Fuck, but those girls were annoying. All flirty and falling over themselves to be near Con and me. They reminded me of Stacey and Ellie, and the only reason I put up with those two bitches was to keep Soph away. ‘Cause, fuck me if I let that girl in I ain’t ever getting her out. Having paid not too much attention to the song they’d picked, I never did, all I knew was it was slow. I thought this was a good thing as there was less chance of Soph getting all sexy with her damn dancing. I seriously needed to stop thinking about Soph like that.

I thought this song wasn’t one I had to worry about, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. The fucking moves the girls were making were sexy as fuck. I looked over at Con, but he was completely mesmerised by Pea. It was a look I’d seen on his face all the time when it came to her. He was a fucking pussy. His jaw was twitching too and I knew how he felt. Stealing another glance at Soph, my eyes were burning into her with the need to run on stage and carry her off so no other fucker could look at her. It was almost overwhelming, and then she looked at me and smiled. My heart felt like it constricted in my chest. I was turning into a pussy too. I switched my attention back to Con and noticed he was looking at Liam, who just happened, right at that moment, to be commenting on Pea’s arse. The cock that he was talking to, Jason, replied by saying that he’d like to have Soph’s tits in his hand. I’m not sure who got out of the chair first, but my brain had just enough time to take in the little pricks eyes widening as Con and I lunged for them. We both got a week’s detention for that. Totally worth it.

The song finishes and I catch myself before I start getting too deep into my thoughts and feelings. Time to cut myself off. Shit. Wiping my hand down my face and feeling the need to get out of here, I stand up with a slight wobble and make my way outside. The cold air hits me like a slap in the face.

Fuck, I must’ve been in there a while as it’s dark out here.

I spot a taxi and flag it down. Thankfully it stops and I stumble inside.

“You’re not going to be sick in here are you mate?” he asks.

“Nah, just a long fucking day,” I reply and he nods. Telling him where to go he pulls away.

This shit is getting worse. I was fine before the accident. Then again everyone was. We were all just coping in our own little bubbles. Pretending like everything wasn’t going to shit around us.

Then the accident happened.

It’s fucking stupid. I was considering talking to Soph before the accident. Maybe considering taking a chance on us. That’s why I went to Katy’s house that morning. To tell her, we were over. It wasn’t like I owed her anything. We’d only been together for a couple of months. If you could call it
together
. More like fucking.

Then she had hit me with the bombshell that she thought she was pregnant. I’d instantly turned cold all over. That right there was packed away somewhere in the back of my brain ready to use when I needed to get rid of a boner in future.

Shit.
Probably be a boner for Soph.

Fuck my life.

The whole thing with Katy, even though it was a false alarm, thank fuck, had only reinforced what I’d thought before.
Soph deserves better than me.
Not because I don’t love her. Not because I’m an arsehole, although I know I am. It’s because she needs good friends. She needs to replace the family she hasn’t got.
Hell, maybe I do too.
We are her family, and if I behave selfishly and take what I want, then we split…that’s one less family member. One less person looking out for her.

And nobody will have her back like me. No-one.

No.

I have to push my feelings aside. I’ve found it’s gotten harder lately though. A fuck of a lot harder. The more time I spend with her, the more I don’t want to be away from her.

The taxi coming to a stop pulls me out of my thoughts. I get out of the car and head inside my apartment. When I open the door, Dane is seated on my sofa.

“The fuck!” I shout walking in. Dane gets up and stands still. Legs slightly apart and his arms crossed over his chest. His stance looks like he’s ready for a fight.

Fuck! I’m pretty sure I can take him. I’ve been training at kickboxing for years, but I’m slightly on the inebriated side and something tells me there’s more to my
brother
than he lets on to the world.

“Listen, I wanted to talk to you. Con came over here with me and used his spare key. He stayed with me for a couple of hours, but you didn’t come back and Pea was calling him every five minutes,” he stops and rubs his chin looking at the floor. “She has become a crazy person since she got pregnant.”

I snort at that. Fuck, he couldn’t be more right. She was always the chilled one and now she’s like a viper ready to attack. Brrrr. My body shivers.

What happens to normal women when they get pregnant?

Of course, that thought leads me to think about Soph with a beautiful rounded stomach carrying my child.