Lipstick and Lies (16 page)

‘Right,’ I
said
sourly.
‘
Selina will join us tomorrow.’

‘I think that’s very wise Cassandra dear
,’ said my mother-in-law.
‘
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I know Livvy has some Physics
homework she needs help with.’

I stacked the dishwasher while Jamie played with Eddie.
If only I wasn’t so tired perhaps I wouldn’t be so paranoid about Selina.
Chucking a powder tablet into the machine, I switched it on and then went off to find Morag’s sleep plan.
It wouldn’t hurt to have a read.
And maybe give it a whirl.

Five hours later, the entire house was asleep.
A
part from me and my puce-faced screaming son.
With nerves stretched to breaking point, I consulted my watch.
In one more minute the plan permitted Mummy to return to baby’s cot, make reassuring noises, then smartly exit before marking another five minutes on the clock.
If baby was still awake after one hour of controlled crying, the plan should be abandoned.
Whereupon Mummy must keep baby awake for precisely one
more
hour before starting all over again.
As the second hand on my wristwatch concluded its fifth revolution, I padded back into Eddie’s room.
Of all the babies in the world, I’d known mine would be the infant to turn the sleep plan on its head.

‘Hush Eddie, there’s a good boy,’ I whispered.
Leaning into his cot, I scooped him up.
After one hour of squawking, he was almost hoarse.
The noise tore at my heartstrings as I jiggled him about, patting his little back.
And somehow we had to now stay awake for another hour.
As I blearily wondered how the hell I was going to achieve this, Eddie crashed out on my shoulder.
Well bugger me.
Carefully I returned him to the cot, laying him
gently
on his back.
His long lashes swept across the pillows of his cheeks.
My heart contracted into a tight little knot.
Suddenly I was gulping back the tears.

A shadow fell across the open doorway.
‘What’s up?’ whispered Jamie tip-toeing into the room.
‘Why are you crying?’

‘Oh Jamie,’ I sobbed, ‘I can’t bear the thought of Eddie getting married and leaving home.’

‘Darling for goodness sake, that’s about twenty years from now.
By which point we’ll be dragging women off the street,
and
begging one of them to take Eddie off our hands.’

‘Never,’ I dissolved into fresh floods.
‘No woman will ever be good enough for my little boy.’

‘Of course they won’t, of course,’ Jamie pulled me to him.
He began patting my back.
Not unlike how I’d patted Eddie’s.
It was strangely soothing.
I could see why Eddie liked it so much.
Maybe Jamie could pat my back more often.
Perhaps I should patent the idea.
To Mothercare.
Design a soft fluffy contraption that patted babies to sleep at night.
I sniffed.
In the absence of a tissue, I wiped my wet face on the back of my dressing gown sleeve.
Jamie led me back across the landing and into our bedroom.

‘Come on.
Bed.’
Jamie tucked me in.
‘Go to sleep.’
He stroked my forehead.
Ah
,
lovely.
His hand caressed my weary brow.
Again.
And then again.
Fantastic.
My eyelids drooped.
Scrap the idea of patenting a back patter.
Instead I would design a baby bonnet with inbuilt head massager.
Brilliant idea Cass.
Ten seconds later I was fast asleep.

When my alarm went off the following morning, I realised Eddie had slept through the remainder of the night – after his initial sleep plan rebellion.
I wasn’t convinced we’d cracked things on the first attempt.
But it was a positive start.
The baby alarm emitted a rustling noise
followed by
a reedy cry.

Two minutes later
I crept downstairs, babe on my hip.
It would be another twenty minutes or so before the other children were up and about.
I fed Eddie and then popped him into his playpen.
I was just scrambling a mountain of eggs when Edna came
into the kitchen.

‘Good morning Cassandra.’

‘Hi Edna.
How are you?’

‘I’m very well dear.’

‘You didn’t tell me
how your date went,’ I smiled.

Was it my imagination or was my mother-in-law blushing?
She b
usied herself with the kettle.

‘Pleasant,’ she nodded.
‘
Like me,
Arthur is making a rocking horse.
Although his is on a far more elaborate scale.
But it’s nice to chat with somebody who has
similar
interests.
Very nice actually.’

‘So where did he take you?’

Edna’s eyes lit up.
‘To a
t
ool
f
air.’

‘Wow.’
This Arthur clearl
y hadn’t a clue about romance.

‘It was most informative.
We saw all the latest tools being put through their paces.
And for lunch we had
a very
passable bacon
butty
.
And right at the end of the day we were
both
given a free t-shirt.
Mine says
Power Drills Do It Best
.
’

I boggled into the scrambled eggs.
‘I see.’

‘Now Cassandra dear,’ Edna poured boiling water into a teapot and added four teabags.
‘I know this evening is going t
o be a little taxing for you.’

‘Ah, yes.’
I’d momentarily forgotten about Selina
gracing us with her presence.

‘I insist you let me
take care of dinner tonight.’

I transferred the scrambled egg into an oven dish
to keep it warm
.

‘Okay.
Thank you.
That will be a great help.’

I set about loading an industrial
sized toaster with bread.

‘Is
there anything else I can do?’

‘As it happens Edna, I’d love to take Nell’s dog for a run this morning.
I was going to drive to Nell’s straight after the school run.
Could I leave Eddie
with you for an hour or two?’

‘Of course dear.
He’s no trouble at all.’

‘Thank you so much.’

Whilst I sometimes grumbled about Edna taking over, this was one time when I was tremendously grateful for her doing so.

In due course the children and Jamie came down.
There was a frantic five minutes as hands whipped across the table
grabbing
scrambled egg and
demolishing
a tottering pagoda of toast.

Kissing Jamie good-bye, I waved to Eddie in Edna’s arms, and then loaded the kids into the Muck Truck.
I was just about to reverse out of the driveway when my mobile rang.
It was Morag.

‘I’m bored.’

‘How can you possibly be bored with a four month old baby to look after?
Not forgetting all Matt’s children and step-children that seem to prefer living with the pair of you, rather than their biological parents.
’

‘That’s just it.
They’ve all naffed off.’

‘Where?’

‘Uni.
Or abroad.
One’s gone on
World Challenge with their school.
Another is doing a s
tudent language exchange.
The only daughter at home right now is Joanie.
And she’s bundled Henry up and taken him down to the yard in his buggy.
She absolutely dotes on him.
Joanie told me to go shopping.
So I wondered if you were up for a trip to
Fairview
?
’

‘You know me.
Always up for a bit of retail therapy.
However, this is one morning I can’t.
After I’ve finished the school run, I’m seeing Nell.
Albeit
briefly.
I’m going for a work
out with her mad red setter.’

‘Ooh, I’ll come with you.’

I made a snorting noise.
‘Since when did you
ever
do exercise?’

‘I exercise every n
ight!’ said Morag indignantly.

‘I don’t meant that sort of exercise,’ I hissed into the handset, ‘and watch what you’re saying because I’m about to switch you to loudspeaker.
Four sets of ears will be wiggling away.
As of now.’

Hands free, I reversed the
car through the electric gates.

‘I’m perfectly capable of going for a run,’ Morag sounded indignant.
‘In fact I’ve just bo
ught a new sports bra.
It’s excellent.
My b
oobs don’t even wobble in it.’

The children snorted with suppres
sed laughter as we headed off.

‘It’s Morag,’ whispered Toby to Jonas.
‘She’s got massive boobies.’

‘I know,’ Jonas whispered back, ‘but they’re not as big as Miss January’s.
I’ve got a naughty calendar in my room.
I’ll show you later.’

‘Just a moment Morag,’ I looked in the rear view mirror at my step-son.
‘Where’
s the naughty calendar Jonas?’

‘What naughty calendar?’

‘The naughty calen
dar you just told Toby about.’

‘Oh
that
naughty calendar.
It’s in the dustbin.’

‘But you just t
old Toby it was in your room.’

‘Um.
No.
You misunderstood.’

‘Mum it’s perfectly normal for boys of Jonas’s age to look at smutty photographs,’ said Livvy, ‘we’v
e been debating this in PHSE.’

‘Normal or not, I don’t like it.
Nor do I want that sort of thing in the house.
Okay Jonas?’

‘Please don’t bin it Cass.
It’s not mine.’

‘Well who does it belong to?’

‘Harry’s dad.
Harry
nicked it out of his
dad’s
office.
I’ve got it on loan.
It cost m
e two packets of chewing gum.’

‘Well you can tell Harry from
me I think he’s out of order.’

‘Dirty Harry,’ said Morag coming back into the conversation.
‘Now Cass, never mind pubescent
children and Miss January’s–’

‘Yes
thank
you Morag,’ I splut
tered.

‘So you’ll be at Nel
l’s in, what, twenty minutes?’

‘Yep.’

‘I’ll see you there.’
Morag clicked off.

Five minutes later I parked up by Boxleigh Grammar.
The kids piled out of the car without
so
much as a backward wave, never mind a kiss or a hug.
I’d learnt long ago that it was uncool to be demonstrative in front of their peers.
Indeed the only thing I was permitted to do at this stage of the drop off was to sit silently and look straight ahead.
Even
playing the radio was a no-no.

‘But what’s wrong with
listening to music
?’ I’d once asked in exasperation as
Petra
had leant over my should
er and stabbed the off button.

‘Nothing Cass.
It’s just that you have a habit of jerking your head in time to the music.
It looks a bit spazzy.’

Livvy had agreed.
‘
And
you s
ing the wrong lyrics.’

‘I do not!’ I’d protested.

‘Groove Armada do not sing about shaking their arms
Mum,’ Livvy had looked pained.

As soon as I was on my own, I hit the play button.
Music flooded the car.
I drove off jerking my head in time to its rhythm.
It wasn’t just teenagers who had the monopoly on rebellion.
And the fact that it was one of Eddie’s nursery rhyme CDs was irrelevant.