Lipstick and Lies (12 page)

‘Well hello!’
She skirted the runway and came towards us, hands outstretched in welcome.
‘
G
ood to meet you again Jamie.’
She kissed him soundly on both cheeks, continental style
, before turning to me with wide
eyes.
‘
And y
ou must be Cass
.’

I glared at her.
If she attempted to kiss me, I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions.
I had an overwhelming urge to shove her back into the space-age kitchen, press a button
and launch her into oblivion.

‘That’s right.
I must say,’ I couldn’t resist winding her up, ‘you look awfully familiar.
Have we met somewhere before?’

Selina feigned consideration.
And then shook her head.
‘No.
I never forget a face.
Or a frock,’ she indicated my red velvet dress.
‘That is
sooooo
fab.
I remember seeing it in the Sales at Harvey Nicks last year
.
I was desperate to buy one. R
egrettably they only had
the extra large
sizes left.’

Bitch!

Jamie caught my expression
,
and
hastily took up the reins of conversation
.

‘Cheers!’ he raised his glass.
‘A very Happy New Year.
And
congratulations on the
engagement – fabulous news!’

Selina took a drink from Ethan.
‘Thank you
,
sweetheart.’
She
held her glass aloft
.
‘Cheers all!’

‘
My wife
is such a romantic.
I’m sure
she’d
love to know
all the details of the proposal,
wouldn’t
you darling?’

I bared my teeth in response.

‘Oh
Cass,
it was
just dreamy
.
Wasn’t it honey?’ Selina beamed at Ethan.
He inclined his head graciously.
‘We wrapped up nice and warm, went
out on
the balcony – with champers naturally
– and
watched the City below.
So many people!
A
nd in
such
high spirits
.
The
atmosphere was electric!
And then, literally seconds away from midnight, Ethan dropped down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.
Well I didn’t hesitate.
Did I
sweetums
?
Just said, “Yes!
Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes!”
And then my voice was drowned out by all the fireworks exploding.
Next thing is we’re ripping
each other’s coats and clothes off
,
and making
mad passionate love!
Right there,’ she waved an arm at the balcony, ‘in front of millions
of people,’ she tinkled with laughter, ‘who naturally couldn’t see us!
But it was terribly thrilling nonetheless.
Not to mention invigorating.
There’s nothing like cold air and hot sex!
Ethan always makes the earth move for me but, by golly, it was positively
shaking
with all those fireworks
exploding
!’
She rolled her eyes theatrically.
‘
I love starting
New Year with a bang
– if you catch my drift, ha ha
!’

Was she for real?
Ethan
appeared
unembarrassed by
this
recital of
his
balcony bonk.
His face was expressionless
, a
s if Selina had
m
erely been talking about
grocery shopping.
He cleared his throat.

‘
Lena
and I would very much like to extend belated Happy Anniversary wishes to you both.
Wasn’t it a year ago yesterday you wed in the
Bahamas
?’

‘Indeed it was,’ Jamie put an arm around me and gently
kissed my punctured forehead.

‘Oh do let
me see your ring Cass,’ Selina pretended to be
interest
ed
.

I held out my hand.

‘Gosh, isn’t your diamond
sweet
,’ she beamed.
‘I wanted one
as small as that
but Ethan gave me no choice in the matter, did you darling?
Just presented me with a box with this socking great rock in it,’ she waggled her hand under my nose.
Socking great rock
was indeed an accurate description.
I was
amazed she could lift her hand
.
‘
Do you like it
?’

I pretended to study the diamond.
‘Jamie wanted to buy me
something similar
but I said, “No darling.
In this case size
isn’t
everything.”
So I opted for classiness.’

Selina’s smile froze.
An unspoken current passed between us.
The gloves were off.

‘I simply can’t help noticing your forehead Cass.
If I were you I’d sue the beautician who did that
Botox
job.’

‘Botox?
Um, no.
My cat scratched me.’

Selina gave another of her tinkl
ing
laughs.
It was starting to grate on me.
‘Oh is that what you say to everybody.
Don’t worry Cass,’ she winked, ‘your secret is
quite
safe with me.’

‘Ano
ther drink Cass?’ asked Ethan.

‘Yes please,’ I snapped.

‘And I just love your black boots Cass.
Wonderfully shiny.
And th
ose
big
buckle
s are
perfect.’

I stared down at my footwear.
Where was this conversation going?
I didn’t have long to wait.

‘Yes,
they co-ordinate beautifully
with the red dress.
Especially at this time of year.
You look like Mrs Christmas!
You’ve even got a jolly tummy like
her hubby
.
Ho, ho, ho!’

Dear God.
Where was
this woman
’s
off button?

‘Gosh you are funny Selina,’ I chortled.
‘
A
ctually
I’ve had more compliments wearing this ensemble than hot dinners.
Only this evening I w
as told I looked like a milf.’

Jamie choked on his lemon slice, Ethan
was doing some rapid blinking behind his specs,
and Selina’s mouth formed a perfect O.
Ah, that had ca
ught her attention hadn’t it!

‘Are you su
re darling?’ Jamie spluttered.

‘Of course I’m sure.
Edna told me so.’

‘My mother called you a milf?’ Jamie’s eyebrows shot off his for
ehead.

‘Don’t look so shocked darling.
Your old mum is perfectly up to date with modern lingo.
A very hip-hop-and-happening lady is my mother-in-la
w,’ I nodded sagely at Selina.

‘Ah ha ha ha,’ Jamie forced a laugh.
‘Well I must say dinner smells absolute
ly delicious!’

‘I can’
t smell anything,’ I muttered.

Selina smoothed down her dress.
‘Yes, let’s eat.
Everything is ready.’

We followed her over to the granite runway and
climbed onto some tall stools.

‘
Lena
is very creative in the kitchen,’ said Ethan
.

‘I’m creative everywhere darling,’ she smirked
.
A
starter of raw mushroom soup was set before us.
‘I think you’re going to enjoy this Jamie.
You look like somebody who cares about
their
figure.’
She paused.
Gave me a moment to digest the message that I didn’t care about mine.
‘Ethan and I recently disc
overed the raw food diet.
It’s
wonderful.
Super healthy.
Low fat.
And leaves you fizzing with energy
.’

I stuck
my
spoon in
the
bowl of pale gunk.
What was wrong with hot soup?

‘It’s all very well working out in the gym, but you need to look after what’s under the bonnet too,’ Selina prattled on.
And on and on.

Nobody else got a word in edgeways as we worked our way through raw Pad Thai Salad, raw ‘Burrito’ lettuce wraps, raw broccoli covered in ‘Alfredo’ sauce and raw Asian-style crunchy salad with sesame vinaigrette.
By the time I’d finished munching and crunching, my jaw ached.
It was a wonder none of
us had turned into Bugs Bunny.

‘And finally,’ she chirruped, ‘Carob nut cookies.
You just won’t
believe how yummy these are.’

‘Thanks but I’ll pass,’ I pushed my plate away.
‘I’d love a coffee though.’

‘Oh no
,
Cass.
No coffee.
Or tea.
Not in this house.
However,’ she disappeared briefly inside the enormous fridge to extract a large jug, ‘I do have some absolute
ly delicious raw cashew milk.’

My stomach chose that precise moment to let out an ominous rumbling noise.
It wasn’t a rumble of hunger.
More an intestinal protest.
Dear Lord.
What ha
d her menu done to my insides?

‘Could you tell me
where the bathroom is please?’

‘Back through the hallway
,’ Ethan smiled kindly.
‘
First door to your left
.
’

My tummy now sounded like a washing machine
in the grip of a final spin
.
Suddenly it was of paramount importance to
be in
that loo.

‘Won’t be a mo,’ I squeaked
.
Leapfrogging the granite runway, I charged off to the bathroom
.
Whisking up my dress, I lowered my throbbing bottom.
I gasped as a spasm of wind twisted my intestines.
An explos
ion
echoed
around
the toilet bowl.
Dear Lord
.
I’d never
made a sound like that
in my entire life.
Beads of perspiration formed on my upper lip as another spasm took hold.
I leant forward, hugging my knees as a series of blasts rocked the porcelain and
threatened to
vandalise the plumbing.

A quarter of an hour later I dared to stand up – backside sporting a toilet seat imprint – and staggered off to the washbasin.
I had surely dropped three dress sizes.
My Father Christmas tummy had totally disappeared.

‘Are you all right?’
Ethan
asked as I staggered back to the
table
.
‘You look
very pale
.’

‘
I’m just
a bit tired
,’ I smiled
apologetically.
‘The joy
s
of having a six month old baby and broken nights.’
Not to mention being disembowelled by your fiancée’s
choice of menu
.

Jamie stood up.
‘I think we’d best be making tracks home.
Thanks
for a fabulous evening guys.’

We said our farewells
before taking the
elevator
back
to the
underground
car
park
.

‘Well done,’ Jamie squeezed my hand as we walked
to the car.
‘You handled it very well.’