“Grant and I tried for years to get pregnant on our own. After our first year of marriage I went off birth control. Once our second anniversary came around I came and saw your father. He advised me to see Dr. Wilson, so we met with him and started IUI treatments. I was artificially inseminated six times and nothing happened. I never even got a positive on a pregnancy test.”
I can feel the burn in my eyes; I tilt my head back hoping that they won’t come out.
“It’s okay, Elizabeth. You don’t need to tell me if it will upset you. I understand.”
“No, I’m not crying about Grant if that is what you are thinking. I’m crying because for another year I prayed for a positive pregnancy test even if I ended up miscarrying. At least then I would know that I could have gotten pregnant. Grant knew how desperately I wanted to get pregnant, so for a first attempt at IVF we dipped into our 401K fund and did the whole cycle. We did two embryos. I didn’t get pregnant. Second time around Grant sold his car for another round of IVF. Another two embryos later and no luck. I kept pushing for it, I wanted to do it one more time. Grant wanted to wait till we were further into the new year, but I pushed him for one more try, and then we would start the New Year infertility treatment free. I begged him and he agreed one more time. I was called into Dr. Wilson’s office on a Friday because my embryos weren’t looking viable, so Ella took me and in a split second decision I asked to have all four put in. I couldn’t flush two down the drain and I couldn’t choose. I had my IVF treatment done on that Friday morning, by Saturday night I was watching my husband die from his motorcycle accident.
Jacob grips my hand, and is kissing it. I lean over to his side, hold his hand in both of mine and kiss his palm.
“So, if you remarry down the road, you don’t think you will have another baby?” He quietly asks me.
“I don’t know, my life plan hasn’t really been going the way I thought it would. I would love more babies. I don’t think I can get pregnant on my own. I really can’t go through the emotional roller coaster of hell again with those treatments. I feel it killed Grant and I don’t want to go through it again. If my new husband can accept my boys as his own, then that is all that matters … I think? I don’t know why, but I can only hope that God has a better life plan for me then the one I had planned for myself,” I softly mummer to him as my lips are still on his palm.
“Baby, I’m not a religious man, even though I know I should be. You know how my mother died from breast cancer when I was thirteen.”
I nod and look at him to keep going. “Baby, I have to believe that there is a reason for everything. Even though we have no clue why it’s happening now, we will get our answers one day. I have to believe that my mother guided Grant into heaven, because I feel that this,” he points to him and me, “is the reason we are together and those two are your guiding angels for your babies. I believe Grant accepts us as a couple. I have to believe in some twisted way of life that it was planned for my mother to leave me when I was thirteen, so that I could honor her and become the best doctor I can be. It was planned for you to get pregnant as a widow and for us to meet. I HAVE TO BELIEVE THIS! I believe in God and that he does give miracles and I believe my miracle is you!”
I just stare at him, with tears running down my face. “That is the sweetest and most logical thing anyone has said to me in seven months.” I sniffle out the words, and then I lift my hand and rub it along his stubble on his jaw line. He kisses my hands again, and I lean my head against the head rest. “OOWWW!”
“What, what’s wrong?”
“Just my boys wrestling, here feel them.” I grab his hand to where they are kicking me. He rubs his hand over my belly feeling every kung fu kick and punch. He just smiles while looking ahead and driving.
“Pretty amazing, huh?”
“Yes, it is, baby!”
We get to the beach parking lot. He helps me out of the truck. Once I’m out, he cages me with the door and his arms. “Beth, I know that the last seven months have been difficult for you, and I hope that I have been more help than bad. I know we both have loved with all our hearts before and we have lost our hearts as well. I’m a different chapter in your life now and I am not here to out shine or compete with what Grant gave you in your marriage and your life together. I just want to give you what you want and need now. Am I what you need now?”
I put my arms around his neck, while standing on my tip toes. I pull him down for a kiss. I kiss him hard with every fiber of strength in me. He sucked lightly on my bottom lip and I gladly opened my mouth eager to taste him again. Our tongues twist with each other. His kisses are beautiful, sending ripples of desire racing through my core. “Babe, you are exactly what I need. Please don’t ever think different. You are the reason I am standing here, smiling and happy. There’ll never be enough ‘
thank you’s ‘
for what you have done for me.”
“God, Elizabeth, you are an amazing woman. I can’t tell you how bad I want to make love to you!”
I smile up at him, and kiss his chest. “Come on, let’s get to the beach.”
He pulls out his surfboard, and a chair with an umbrella attached to it. “Here can you get these,” he hands me two water bottles.
“I sure can.” I say back with a wink. Before we hit the boardwalk, I tell him I have to use the restroom. He waits patiently while I use the restroom. Once we finally make it to the beach, Jacob shows a different side of him, he looks like a child who is about to go on a roller coaster for the first time. He sets up my chair, with the umbrella and puts the water in the cup holders. He helps me sit down, then hands me his towel. He takes off his shirt, and I feel my eyeballs bulge out. Thank goodness for my sunglasses. He has the body of an Adonis. I don’t think I have ever seen abs so ripped. I mean Grant was lean and firm but never abs this ripped. I want to touch them and feel their hardness. Holy mackerel he has that v shape groin. As he lifts his arms, the waist of his swim shorts drop just a little. He has golden hair that trails from his belly button down his happy trail. I have to lick my lips, to make sure I’m not drooling. He skin is so golden and smooth. I want his skin against mine so badly. When he turns slightly I notice he has a tattoo. He has a shark tattoo on his right shoulder. “I didn’t know you had a tattoo?”
“You mean tattoos. I have two. Yeah, the shark I had done on spring break during college. We went to Hawaii and it’s done in a tribal art form.” I know who “we” is when he mentions it. He’s talking about Rebecca, so I can see why he doesn’t bring up a certain tattoo that has meaning, which you really don’t want to remember.
“Then this one,” he says while turning and facing away, “I did once I turned eighteen in honor of my mother.” Oh my, it’s so beautiful that I have to stand up and touch his back. It’s a Celtic cross that starts at the base of his neck and stops right below his shoulder blades. Behind the cross are angel wings that spread across his shoulder blades. The cross has pink roses intertwined in it. Then at the bottom are three meaningful letters, which spell MOM. “Jacob, this is beautiful” I say as I am still tracing over the tattoo. I can feel he has goose bumps from my touch. “Did you draw this up?”
As he turns around, grabs me around the waist and pulls me close. I raise my sunglasses to my head so I can look into his eyes. “Baby, I had an idea of what I wanted. My mother was Irish and loved Celtic music. I remember her always listening to it when she cooked. The angel wings represent what she means to me. I know she is watching over me. Pink roses were her favorite and her birth flower. I told the artist what I wanted and this is what he came up with.”
“It’s beautiful. Your mother would love it.” I say as I kiss his chest.
“Baby can you hold my sunglasses for me?”
“Of course.”
“Do you need anything before I head out?”
“Nope, I am good … you know you better give me a good show out there. I don’t sit and watch surfing for anyone, you know.”
“I’ll do my best, baby.” He leans down and gives me another one of his amazing kisses.
I pull out the iPod and turn it on. He has downloaded so many songs. Songs and artist I have never heard of. I look at the playlist and read through the list of songs in alphabetical order:
3 Doors Down –
Here Without You
Brad Paisley –
She’s Everything
Chris Daughtry –
Life After You
Chris Daughtry –
Lullaby
Christ Daughtry –
Start of Something Good
Edwin McCain –
I’ll Be
Hinder
– The Best Is Yet To Come
James Blunt –
You’re Beautiful
Joe Diffie –
Pick Up Man
John Mayer –
Your Body Is a Wonderland
Josh Groban –
You Are Loved
Lady Antebellum –
Need You Now
Nickelback –
Far Away
Nickelback –
Never Gonna Be Alone
Tim McGraw Feat. Faith Hill –
I Need You
As I start to listen I look out into the ocean and watch Jacob paddle through the waves. Words can’t describe of how in awe of him I am. I see him straddle his board, looking into the horizon for his perfect wave. A wave is coming up on him close, he lies down, his arms paddling and within seconds he jumps up and dances with the waves on his surfboard. It is pretty spectacular to watch. He has such a talent. He has so many incredible talents. This man keeps calling me amazing, but I think he has it backwards, he is amazing. The way he moves his body up and down the waves, twisting and turning with such grace is spectacular. I’m oblivious to the music that is going through my ears. I just stare at this man, knowing that I am falling hard for him, and fast.
Way too fast, Elizabeth!
I listen to the music, I listen attentively to the wording. Jacob says that a few of these songs are songs of how he feels about me. I laugh when I hear Joe Diffie’s song “
Pick Up Man.”
It makes me think to the first time I saw him in his hot truck. The one that speaks to my heart is Josh Groban’s song “
You Are Loved.
” How ironic is it that my brother gave me a Josh Groban song and now my favorite on this iPod is another Josh Groban song? Jacob has gotten me through the toughest time in my life. I honestly don’t know where I would be without him. Maybe he is right, maybe this was my life plan all along. There is that saying my mother uses all the time, “The road of life can only reveal itself as it is traveled; each turn in the road reveals a surprise. Your future is hidden.” Maybe, I was meant to experience grief and pain with Grant and now on this journey of life with Jacob I can experience joy and peace once again. Is it too much to say that I’m terrified, terrified to experience that kind of love, and then to have it ripped out of my soul? I can’t imagine going through that again.
I stand up, stretch, and stare out in the ocean, watching him float over the water. I have to pee, again. So I wave to him, signaling that I am walking back to the restrooms. I slowly walk back, not realizing I am going uphill. Damn this is so hard, especially when you can’t see your feet! I’m half way there, when I hear Jacob yelling my name. I turn around and see him sprinting for me.
“You didn’t have to come after me. I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to the restroom.”
“I don’t want you going alone.” He says out of breath.
“Alright, then you can help me. I feel like I am walking in quicksand.”
I put my arm around his waist as we walk up to the restrooms. He’s standing there looking out over the ocean when I walk out. I go behind him and wrap my arms around him. I place my nose against the curve of his back and take in his smell. He smells of ocean and coconut sunscreen. “You are really talented! I liked watching you. Maybe one day, you can show me how to surf?”
“I would love to teach you and the
boys when they get older. I was five when my dad taught me.”
“I think that sounds like a great plan.” I say, as I kiss along his spine.
He turns around, and kisses my hair. “Did you listen to your music?”
“Yes, and I am shocked to see you like so much country. I love them all, thank you.”
“Baby, I’m born and raised Floridian. Of course I like country. I just love rock, more.”
He winks at me, as we walk back down the boardwalk. “Wait here, I don’t want you walking back down in the sand. Let me run and go grab our things and we will head for lunch.”
I smile and watch him run back to get our things. Hot damn does he have a fine ass! We are back in the truck heading to lunch. We pick a seafood restaurant that is on the canal where the cruise ships port. We are sitting outside under the umbrella, talking about everything under the sun and moon. I tell him how I finally put the house up for sale. I don’t think it will sell fast, because I want top dollar. I need every penny I can get, since I’m not working and I can only live off of Grant’s life insurance for so long. Plus I have college times three to start planning for.
“Baby, I have a thought about this and I know it is really fast, but what if we move into a place together?”
“You mean, we buy a house together?”
“Yes! Let’s buy a house together. I’ll sell my condo and we can buy a house big enough for our dogs, the boys, guests, and us.”
I stutter out of shock, “But, why? Why Jacob? We have only been seeing each other for a couple months and you want to buy a house. Babe, we haven’t even had sex yet.”
“I know I am in this relationship for the long haul. I know we are meant to be together, so why not? You want to start fresh in a new house. I would love to be in a house with my dog again. We can do it together, and build our own dreams.”
“Wow, Jacob you just really know how to throw a curve ball at someone! I don’t know, it just seems so fast. You haven’t even stayed overnight with me. Hell, you might see me in the morning and run for the hills. Please, let’s take baby steps here.”
He grabs my hand from the table and holds it. “You see this finger?” He’s pointing to my finger that still holds my wedding band to Grant.