Lacrimosa (19 page)

“Look, I know what I’m doing,” I say, clinging to my role as a Sentinal and all that it means. “I’m not about to die for a love that doesn’t exist anymore. I’ll take care of this. I will. Before Mikayel’s deadline.”

Chapter 25 – Tortured Shame

Nesy

I head for the subway station, desperate to outrun the feelings threatening to overturn everything I’ve struggled to become.

The leader stands next to me, too close. He wears a serpent tattoo on his arm that peeks out from his torn t-shirt. “I said, what are you doing out so late?”

“This,” I reply, swinging my arm back and grabbing the guy behind me. I pull him over my head and drop him to the concrete with a loud thud. His eyes roll to the back of his skull and he groans.

That felt good. Too good.

Tattoo guy steps back, afraid.

Not so fast. Thought you wanted to play.

I swing out my leg, tripping him as he continues to step back. He lands close to his friend and I stick the spiked heel of my boot into the fleshy part of his neck. Someone steps behind me. In a flash, I pull my dagger and aim it at the guy approaching. He stops moments before colliding with my knife.

“Like I said, leave me alone.” I dig my heel into tattoo guy’s neck just enough to break the skin. A small trickle of blood leaks from the cut. “Understand me?”

Tattoo guy nods feebly.

“Good.” I release him, straighten out my clothes and board the newly arrived train. The disgruntled crew remains on the platform as the train lurches forward.

I grab the railings and slip into a seat, drunk on adrenaline.

I shouldn’t have enjoyed that so much. Shouldn’t have enjoyed it at all. Guilt adds to the mix of emotions as the train rocks forward. The motion lulls me into a stupor, blurring my thoughts.

Each moment that passes loosens my defenses, tearing pieces of my warrior’s façade away. Until the mask falls away completely. And my world crashes in on itself.

Pictures stream around me. Through me.

Mikayel’s sword slicing into Aydan…
pain radiates through me.

Aydan’s body exploding into flame…
my skin sears
.

The look in his eyes as he screams my name…
my heart shatters into a million pieces.

My human body trembles. My lungs refuse to work. The train continues uptown, the wheels screeching on the tracks. My nerves grating.

Death and love twine together, binding permanently to my soul. My stomach seizes violently and for a moment I know I must be dying as well.

“Get a grip, Nesayiel. You’re better than this.” I repeat the words over and over, battling against my feelings for Aydan.

Nothing works. My emotions rage out of control. My thoughts loop. And I remain lost in a labyrinth of torment.

The train grinds to a stop and I rise, forever trapped in my own hell. My body moves of its own will, dragging me out of the train and up the stairs. A blast of cold air bites into my skin as I walk.

Something pulls me forward, forcing every step my legs take. I have nothing left to fight against it, no way to resist.

Dark creatures nudge out of the alleys I pass. I feel them pour into step behind me. Some take the form of large insects, snapping the spaces around me. Others are more like snakes, hissing taunts in my ears. And still others resemble birds, their sharp beaks and taloned claws brushing against my skin.

A demon steps in front of me – tall, human-looking save its sallow skin that’s stretched too tight over the bone. A Jinn. It claws my arm and shreds my skin.

I keep walking.

The Jinn clicks its beak and raises another taloned hand. It gashes open a fresh wound as more dark creatures spill into the street. They crowd around me, halting my movement.

My skin sizzles as they lick my wounds and feed off my anguish.

Fight back, Nesy! Fight back.
I yell through the ruins of my mind, desperate to regain myself.

It’s too late.

The creatures continue to press in, absorbing my agony. Drinking each dark emotion, leaving me empty.

Sentinal! Wake up! Remember who you are!
Aydan’s voice floods my senses.

My lungs remember how to breathe as his words continue. My focus begins to sharpen and I wake from my nightmare.

Please, Nesy. For me. Fight back!

The voice seems to come from outside of my head. I turn to face it as razor-sharp pain tears through me and the taloned demon carves into my chest.

Chapter 26 – Dark Passions

Nesy

Aydan’s words continue, filling the empty spaces in my heart, my mind, my soul. Instinct replaces torment as centuries of training take over. I whip out my sword, swinging it in a large arc over my head. The blow lands on the Jinn, severing its clawed hand.

“No more!” I scream as the mob scatters, confused by my sudden strength.

Hacking and slashing the space around me, I clear a large circle. “
Divina virtute in infernum detrude daemones
,” I yell, condemning the dark creatures to oblivion.

With each word, the ground beneath me rattles. A massive hole opens, claiming the demons. Those that escape my sword retreat to the safety of darkness. Until, finally, I am alone.

I focus my thoughts and look around. For the first time since leaving the hospital, I’m aware of my surroundings. A large cathedral stands before me, built from massive stone bricks. Several gothic spires cut into the fog that descends in the early morning hours. The facade of the church is adorned with stone carvings. Images of the angels—Mediators, Anointed, Guardians and Sentinals.

My brethren.

I’ve come home, more or less.

For a second time, I’m compelled to walk, clueless about my destination. I cross the left side of the cathedral until I come to a courtyard sitting between the cross sections of the building. I open the small iron fence protecting the cloister, straining to see in the navy darkness. A large bronze sculpture adorns the center of the garden, an image of Mikayel as he triumphs over the Dark One.

Over Azzaziel.

I stare at the statue, so perfect in its details—the Sword of Truth grasped firmly in Mikayel’s hands, the strong muscles of his shoulders as he battles, and the broad expanse of his wings. Carved images of the planets, scientists and animals wrap themselves around the base of the angel. A perfect union of Celestium and humanity.

And a reminder.

My oath to the Council pounds through my thoughts. My obligation to protect. My role in the forever battle against evil. My duty to resist temptation. Resist the Dark One.

And my job to vanquish Aydan.

A pang of deep longing ripples through me. I’m torn between my promise to send Aydan to the Abyss and my need to keep him safe. The opposing forces fragment what remains of my mind, breaking me down once again.

I close my eyes and center my thoughts.
Let go of him. Let go of that life
. I picture my life as a Sentinal—the training, the commitment to live a life detached, the oath to serve. It’s everything I am. Everything I’ve wanted.

Until now.

Now there’s Aydan.

Black, spiked hair. Smooth, pale skin. His image floods my thoughts, looking exactly the way he did that first night. Same black jeans, same leather jacket.

I draw a ragged breath and let the fantasy unfold. The musky pine scent of his skin. The feel of him next to me. The sound of his voice as it resonates through me.

In the recesses of my thoughts, Aydan wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me close. His other arm drapes across my chest and in my dream, I am forever safe.

His heart beats too fast against my back, mirroring my own. His hot breath caresses my neck, igniting waves of desire I shouldn’t have. I give myself to the dream, melting into him as he presses his lips against my neck.

My body trembles. “Stop it, Nes,” I whisper to myself. “This isn’t real.”

But I want it to be, more than anything.

“You’re a warrior,” I say. “Purge your emotions. All of them. You can’t give in to this. You can’t be weak.” I know I should push the dream aside. Detach from the longing in my heart.

“I don’t find you weak at all.” Aydan, the real Aydan, moves his hands to my hips and turns me to him. “Not in the least. I love your human form.” He presses his body to mine.

I try to form the words. Try to lie. But every cell, human and angelic, reaches out for him. Every thought, only him. I fall back into him, giving in to everything I desire.

Somehow he reaches every dark corner of my soul, healing the betrayal and pain from so long ago. I want for nothing but him. This moment.