Keeping Your Head After Losing Your Job (18 page)

Invite your partner to solve problems together:
You can suggest to your partner that you would like to work together to make things better. This is an invitation, not a demand. It’s communicated with the openness that the invitation might get rejected right now, but could be open for future consideration. Mike: “Karen, I can see that this period of being out of work is a difficult one for you and I wonder if we can work together to find out how we can make things better. Would you be willing to talk to me about solving some problems together so that things are better for all of us?”

Indicate your role in the problem:
When you invite your partner to solve problems, you don’t want to communicate the idea that the problem is your partner. You don’t want to say, “You are creating problems for all of us.” A better way of reducing the sense of blame is to suggest that you—yourself—have been something of an impediment in solving problems. Perhaps you have been critical or silent, or you haven’t brought up problem solving before. But by opening with the idea that you are also part of the problem—and part of the solution—you will reduce the likelihood of labeling your partner as the problem. Mike: “I know I could have done more to be supportive of you. Perhaps I could have asked how I could be more helpful. I am willing to work together with you, if you wish, to make things better.”

Focus on one problem at a time:
You can’t solve all the problems at once, and trying to do this will only demoralize all of you. You and your partner should prioritize the problems that you want to work on by creating a problem list and agreeing on the top-ranked problem. You can begin by inviting your partner to make separate lists of some problems that you both can work on. For example, you might have problems dealing with arguments, family chores, childcare, finances, job hunting, exercise, or other problems. Mike: “Karen, I know there are probably a number of things that we could work on to make things better, and I wonder if it might be useful for us to make up a list of a few things we would try to work on. Perhaps you can make a list of some things, and I could also make a list, and then we could decide which problem we want to tackle first.”

By suggesting that each of you has a separate list, you are communicating that each of you has legitimate needs and priorities, and it’s not just you telling your partner what the problem is. If both of you work as a team in identifying mutual goals, you are more likely to work together towards accomplishing those goals. In this particular case, the problem they selected is how Karen can spend her time during the day doing things that are helpful to the family, while balancing her job search.

Brainstorm solutions:
Often, when we think we have a really good idea, we believe it’s the
only
idea. But in mutual problem solving you want to try to be creative. The more possible solutions that you generate as a couple, the more likely you are to find a good-quality solution that you both can settle on. In this stage of problem solving, you can each offer a number of solutions—without evaluating them at this point—just to create a large number of possibilities. Mike: “Let’s see if we can come up with some possible solutions, Karen, so you can both search for a job and help out with some of the family things. Perhaps we can just come up with five ideas each—and then see if we could agree on one or two of them to try out.”

Rank the solutions:
After you have generated the solutions, you might rank them in order from the most to the least desirable. Then you can see if there are some solutions that seem mostly agreeable to the two of you, and you can discuss the pros and cons of each of these top-ranked solutions. Karen: “OK, I think it might be a good idea for me to spend some of the day going over our finances and bills, and doing some of the shopping. I also think it’s a great idea if we could both brainstorm possible ways of my looking for a job, since you [Mike] have a lot of connections, as I do, and I am more likely to find someone I could network with.”

Set up a plan to take action:
The two of you have now moved very close to solving some problems. It’s time to set up a clear plan of action. This involves specifying the behavior that each of you will engage in, when you will do it, and how you will know that it is done. Like any behavior you want to change, you will be much more likely to do it if you keep track of it. I suggest having a list of tasks for each of you—and to post this list in a conspicuous place (the fridge is a good place, since you open that door several times a day). Mike and Karen: “OK, so we agree that Karen will work on the bills and the other chores in the house, and get this done by Friday. Mike will make a list of possible contacts for Karen to pursue. Both of us will do this by Friday and report back.”

Review the outcome:
It’s important that you view your mutual problem solving as an ongoing process that you track and revise and make better together. At the end of the next week, look at what the two of you have done, separately and together. Check what the outcome was: did you make progress, did you feel better or worse, were there some roadblocks, did you not follow through? It is even helpful to recognize when you have not done the tasks, because then the two of you can look at what got in the way so that you can change it and overcome the roadblocks. Mike and Karen discussed the outcome. Mike: “I made a list of some people we might contact, but I didn’t follow through with any emails or calls. I suppose I was busy and didn’t give it the priority it deserves. I let you down.” Karen: “I did some of the bills and got some of the chores done, but I didn’t put in enough time looking for a job. I realized that I find it really depressing and frustrating to look. I could do more.”

Revise your plan:
All plans are up for modification. It would be an unusual plan that worked the very first time. Either one or both of you might not carry out the behaviors that you committed to. You are both human. In a sense, experimenting with a plan by engaging in some behavior is a way of finding out what is the next problem to solve. In the case of Mike and Karen, they realized Mike’s problem was that he got caught up in work and didn’t give the job search for Karen the priority he said he would. So he has to examine whether he is willing to set aside the time to contact people to help Karen. He has to examine his negative thoughts (if he has them), such as “It won’t help. It’s her problem, not mine.” He can then challenge these thoughts: “You don’t know if something will help unless you have tried it. If Karen is having a problem, we are all having a problem. I can be part of the solution.” And Karen can examine her own negative thoughts—which, ironically, are very much the same as Mike’s. Revising a plan helps you make it better and helps you identify the roadblocks to change.

The advantage of mutual problem solving is that you have a team effort to pull together to solve your problems. No one is to blame; everyone has some responsibility. You don’t have to feel alone and you don’t have to feel powerless. Sometimes people say, “Why should I admit I am part of the problem?” The simple answer is, “If you are part of the problem, then you are part of the solution.” That’s real power.

EXERCISE: TEAMWORK

Work through the following list to start solving your problems together:

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Are you more likely to solve problems as a team?

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How would you be more empowered if you shared solving the problem?

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If you think it’s only your partner’s problem, how does this make you helpless?

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Use mutual problem solving skills to move things forward together.

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Invite your partner to solve problems with you.

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Indicate your role in the problem.

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Focus on one problem at a time.

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Brainstorm solutions.

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Rank the solutions.

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Set up a plan to take action.

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Review the outcome.

8: Reward every step forward

As we have seen, when you are between jobs this can cause problems with your partner and family. If you are the one who is unemployed, you might feel frustrated, guilty, ashamed, hopeless, lonely, and helpless in doing anything of any value. You might feel that you are losing your identity. And if you are the partner of someone who is unemployed, you might feel that your partner has let you down, you might resent their passivity, or you might feel they aren’t pulling their weight. All of these thoughts and feelings are common in families of the unemployed and I hope that you are getting some ideas of how to counter these and deal with them.

I’ve suggested that you look at this as a shared experience, where both of you take responsibility, validating each other, solving problems together, pooling your resources and reducing blaming and criticism. This is hard work. I always realize when I suggest that my clients do something that might be helpful it can often lead to their telling me, “You make it sound so easy, but it’s not.” It is often the case: making things better might be harder than you could imagine.

That’s why you need to reward each other more. Given all the stress of this time in your lives, you might think that all you are doing is dealing with problems, complaints and negative moods. What a drag.

I am going to suggest that you and your partner do three things together:

First:
Catch Your Partner Being Good.

Second:
Plan Some Fun.

Third:
Make Your Partner Special.

Let’s take each one in order.

Catch your partner being good

Let’s say that there are some behaviors that you would just love to see your partner doing. For example, if your wife is unemployed, you might want to encourage her to spend some time looking for a job, networking with people, learning new skills, exercising, seeing her friends, helping with the kids. Each of these are positive behaviors. Here is the challenge for you. Every time you see your partner doing anything that is positive over the next week, write it down, put it on a piece of paper on the fridge door, and tell them how happy you are to see them doing these things. For example, you might say, “I was really happy you spent some time exercising today. It must make you feel good to be active. It makes me feel good to know that you are taking care of yourself.”

Now you might think, “This sounds patronizing to give your partner credit for exercising or helping with dinner.” It might sound trivial to write it down for him or her to see. Sounds like a fair criticism, but I have used this simple technique of “catch your partner being good” and “give them feedback” countless times. In almost every case the partner whose behavior is praised is grateful that what they do matters. One woman said, “I didn’t realize you noticed.” It’s a simple technique—positive tracking. Try it and see if it helps.

You probably don’t need any training in catching your partner messing things up. That’s not a problem for you, if you are like a lot of families; however, you might have a negative filter and only see the “negatives,” then you blow them up in your mind and dwell on them and then complain about them. You don’t need more of that. But you could use some extra focus on catching the good and rewarding it.

Plan some fun

Just because you are unemployed it doesn’t mean that you and your partner can’t have fun. You don’t have to sit at home, ruminating, passively isolating yourself and waiting for the next argument to start. One of my clients who was out of work realized that he and his wife weren’t doing much together, so I suggested that he think of something inexpensive to do that might be fun. He realized there were cycle trails near their house and that they used to enjoy riding their bikes. That weekend they got their bikes out, packed a picnic lunch, and went for a bike ride. It was better than Prozac.

There are a lot of fun things that couples—and families—can do together. I always like to ask people what they used to do when they were dating—when they were trying to win each other over. In fact, most people, when they are first dating, don’t have a lot of money, so these activities tend to be fairly cheap to do. One couple remembered they used to like cooking together, trying out new recipes. So they got out some new recipes and made a meal together. It was like old times.

Make your partner special

Most of us want to be special to the people who are special to us. If you are unemployed, you might not feel very special right now. You might be down in the dumps—even feeling like a burden. If your partner is unemployed, what can you do to make them feel special, important, and valued by you? Well, you can always tell them, “I love you,” or “I need you,” or “I missed you.” That seems to work most of the time. But there might be small, even sentimental, things that you can do. Perhaps remembering a special time together, remembering something that is special to your partner, even reminiscing about shared moments. One man who was unemployed remembered that his wife liked parrots. He was walking around the city and came across a store that sold cheap trinkets. He found parrot earrings that cost almost nothing. He wrapped them up, wrote a little note, and gave the gift to his wife. He said, “I was thinking of you and I remembered how much you love parrots.” She reached out and hugged him.

You get a lot further by noticing the positives, labeling them, and being a cheerleader. Rather than nagging and criticizing, notice the positive steps your friend or partner is making and say, “That was terrific you made those calls today,” or “That was wonderful that you sent out your CV.” Also reward activities that are simply healthy behaviors, such as exercise, seeing friends, taking classes. You build confidence on positives.

EXERCISE: FIND WAYS TO BE
POSTITIVE TOGETHER

Actively work on ways to be positive with your partner by acting on the following:

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Are you focusing primarily on the negative?

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What would be the advantage of focusing more on the positives?

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Catch Your Partner Being Good.

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Plan Some Fun.

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Make Your Partner Special.