Keeping Your Head After Losing Your Job (14 page)

Look at the following list to find new approaches to spending your time between jobs:

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Now that you have more time, you can do more things with your family.

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How can you be more supportive and more involved with the people you love?

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What can you do each day that is free?

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Could you spend more time exercising?

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Is religion part of your life? How could you get more involved?

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Could you consider meditation, relaxation, learning?

5: It’s not what you have—it’s what you appreciate

My office is just two blocks away from an expensive shopping area on Madison Avenue in New York City. One of the trendiest stores is Barneys, where floors are assigned to designer labels and where expensive jewelry greets you as you enter the store. Everywhere, people are concerned about their appearance, their labels, and the latest fashion. The only reason I ever go there is to meet a colleague who likes to have lunch there every few months. I find New York to be a temple of materialism, shallowness, and unnecessary expenses. And it may be my imagination, but the people there don’t look very happy.

Materialism, fashion, being “with it,” having the latest thing, are all part of our culture of deprivation amid affluence, but I think it’s not so much what you have, it’s what you are able to appreciate. You can have an expensive house and car, a wardrobe full of the latest fashion, and you can have prestige and power, but if you don’t appreciate what you have and who you are, then you are impoverished.

Look around you and ask yourself, “What do I really appreciate in my life?” If you are feeling down and worried about money, you might focus on what you won’t be able to have, buy or get. But what about appreciation? Here’s a simple exercise for you to do.

EXERCISE: VISUALIZE LOSING EVERYTHING

1.
Close your eyes. Imagine everything has been taken away. You have no senses (no vision, no hearing, no sense of touch). You have no memory. You have no family, no friends, no money, no possessions. You have nothing; you are nothing. You have disappeared.

2.
Now, I am going to suggest a simple exercise. You can have one thing back at a time, only one at a time. I won’t tell you how many things you can get back. It all depends on how much you can convince me that you really appreciate each thing. You have to be the Great Appreciator: the one who really understands what it means. The only way to appreciate is to imagine not having it.

3.
What would you like to have back first? Convince me that it really matters to you.

I’ve conducted this exercise many times with many different people. I’ve tried it on myself, on friends, family members, on taxi drivers, strangers, and many of my clients. It always seems to reveal what is already there—what we have taken for granted, but what is really essential in our lives. Here are some of the responses:

“I want my eyesight back.”

“What would you like to be able to see for five minutes—if you knew you only had five more minutes of seeing available?”

“I’d want to see my wife and my daughter.”

“What do you want to see in them? What do you appreciate?”

“I love my wife: her smile, her eyes, her hair, the way she looks. We've been together for fifteen years, she is still beautiful to me.”

“OK. How about your daughter? What do you appreciate about seeing her?” “Her face, her laughter, the way she’s grown up. She’s still my little girl. I love her.”

“OK. You can have your eyesight back.”

Another woman said she appreciated her son. “I know we have had some difficulties, but I’ve also learned from them. I’ve grown. He’s had some hard times, but he’s a good kid. I really appreciate his ability to keep trying, his strength. But also I appreciate the fact that he knows he’s not perfect, he keeps trying. Knowing he is in my life is about the most important thing I can imagine.”

So close your eyes and, while you are blinded to the world, look around you in your imagination. Do you appreciate the fact that you can hear, walk, talk, think, listen to music, laugh, play, give and receive love, touch the people who have touched and moved you? What would life be like if any one of these senses, people, experiences were to disappear forever?

“I never realized how much I have in my life,” Rob said to me. “I just didn’t think about it. I wasn’t aware.”

I like to start each day with some quiet time, some reflection, some appreciation. I am lucky to be alive, lucky to hear, listen, feel and be touched. It’s all here, the most important things and experiences and people. If only you could open your eyes and ears and find it right in front of you.

EXERCISE: DISCOVERING WHAT’S
REALLY IMPORTANT

Spend a few moments going through the following points:

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Imagine it’s all been taken away. What would you want back? Why?

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Start each day thinking about what you appreciate. Focus on that.

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When you think about what you appreciate, is it really related to money?

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If it’s not related to money, what does this tell you?

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What’s really important?

6: What does money mean to you?

All of us have our own way of relating to money. It’s one of the most emotional issues in our lives. For some, it’s more important than love, sex, integrity, family, or health. People kill over money. People kill themselves over losing money. Ironically, a lot of psychologists are reluctant to talk to their clients about money, considering it “too personal.” This is like your nurse saying, “I don’t want to take your blood pressure because I don’t want to invade your privacy.” It’s nonsense.

Ask yourself, which of the following fits you:

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Money is security.

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Money helps me build my self-esteem.

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I often compare myself with others—and what they have.

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I am envious of people who have more money.

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I feel embarrassed about how little money I have.

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I feel embarrassed that I have more than others.

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If I had more money, I could relax.

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I am concerned that I won’t be able to support myself or my family financially.

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I couldn’t live on less.

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I need to spend money to feel happy.

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Money is a sign of success.

If you are like a lot of people, you might find a little truth in some—or all—of these statements. We attach a lot of psychological baggage to money in our lives. When you think of money as “security,” you might also say, “I want to have enough money so that I don’t have to worry about it.” Now, what’s interesting is that I have heard wealthy and poor people say exactly the same thing. Money equals security. What is more likely the case is that your expectations and demands determine what you think you need. Let’s imagine that everyone in the world had to live on 25% less. So we would learn to live on less. (Here is a hint: for the last 99.99999% of human history people lived on less than what they have now.) OK, perhaps you won’t have the more expensive car, the designer clothes, flatscreen TV, iPad, holidays, cool furniture, restaurant meals, and whatever else you really don’t need. Security is not what you have—it’s what you think you need. Do you really need all the “stuff” you have? I doubt it.

Or perhaps you think of money as self-esteem. “I feel good about myself when I make a lot of money.” That doesn’t say very much about you that is good. How about trying this, “I feel good about myself when I am kind, loving, honest, and self-disciplined”? Now, that would be a legitimate reason to have self-esteem. Being a good person doesn’t cost anything.

Or you might be caught up in comparing yourself with people who have more. So you lose your job, start economizing, and worry, “What will the neighbors think?” I have neighbors who are out of work and I still think of them as “my neighbors,” some I think of as “my friends.” I think they are people going through a rough patch. But what if I were the kind of obnoxious, judgmental person who thought less of them? Does that say more about you—when you are out of work—or more about the creepiness of some shallow people? Why should you care about what some shallow, unfeeling, uncaring person might think?

How do you know what people think about you?

You have no idea what people think. Are they telling you? Is it possible that some of your neighbors are out of work, worried about losing their jobs, or have family members going through a hard time? Tough times hit almost all households. It’s not the material possessions that you have become attached to that really matter. It’s whether you can build a meaningful life—a meaningful family—without having more than someone else. Here is another hint: in doing therapy for almost 30 years, I have never had anyone come to me complaining that their problems today—as adults—were due to not having enough material things when they were kids. But I have seen plenty of adults who grew up wealthy who were impoverished in the most important way: lacking love. Security in a family is more about love, understanding and kindness. All, free.

The pleasure of spending is short-lived

Let’s look at your thought that you need to spend money to be happy. This is the “retail therapy” that a lot of us rely on when we are feeling empty, bored, unloved, or unhappy. You go to the store—preferably a shopping center with lots of options—and entertain yourself looking for “bargains.” You look in the shopping bag at all the items you bought—which you have never needed—and feel momentarily happy. It’s like having a drink—it works for a short while until it wears off—and then you are stuck with the bill: either your hangover or your credit card bill.

If spending money is what makes you happy, you need to find another way of making yourself happy. Materialism is an empty journey. Materialism fills an empty void in you with more emptiness.

This is the opportunity to re-evaluate your relationship with money. It’s not the same thing as security, or legitimate self-esteem, and it seldom buys lasting happiness. I think of money—along with time—as “utilities”—that is, “What can I get with money or time?” Let’s take time first. I like to limit the number of clients I see so that I can spend time with my wife, or reading, or relaxing. Time is a utility—it’s useful to get me things and experiences that I really value. If I spent all my time making money, I’d have less time to enjoy my life. I call it “balance.” In fact, now that you are unemployed, you have a lot of time that can be put to good use—following the many suggestions that I am outlining for you in this book. Make use of this time now, because when you get back to your job in the future, you won’t have the richness of time that you have now.

Consider your needs vs. your preferences

Money is a
utility—
it’s an exchange. Think about what you can get with money—and think about whether you need it. For example, you need food, clothing, and shelter. You get the money to purchase these things. But if you are making money a goal in itself—like people who simply want more—or if you use money as a way of “keeping score”—then you will be unhappy.

No matter how much money you have. Money is part of an exchange. But what is it you are buying? How much do you really need? Is it “need” or “preference”? You might prefer the $100 designer jeans, but you might be better off with the knocked-down price of $30. Is money the way to impress people—people who really shouldn’t matter to you? Are you willing to make yourself miserable so that judgmental people who have shallow values will “like” you more? You decide what’s important.

EXERCISE: YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT MONEY

Untangle your feelings about money by answering the following questions:

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What does money mean to you?

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Does money mean security? Self-esteem? Success? Status? The only way to buy happiness? A way to win? To keep score?

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What’s wrong with these ideas about money?

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Are less expensive things that much less rewarding? If not, why not?

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What are some things that you like to do that are free? Why do you enjoy them?

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If you have more time now, how can you “spend your time” to get more meaning, pleasure, growth and purpose?

7: Even if money is a problem, what good will worrying do?

Even if you do everything that I recommend, money issues can still remain a problem. It’s a reality for many people who lose their jobs. You can budget, economize, focus on what you can do for free, show love, experience appreciation, pray, go to church, meditate, do yoga, or exercise. All of these can be free or relatively inexpensive, but money can still remain an issue.

Yes, that is true. But after you have done everything you can that is adaptive in reducing expenses, is there any point to worrying about it? Think of worry as the repetitive focus on a negative thought: “What if I run out of money?”, “What if I can’t pay my mortgage?”, “What if I take another five months to get a job?” I want you to examine if repeating these negative thoughts—over and over—is going to do any good. It’s natural that the thought occurs to you—and probably natural that it is disturbing—but what good will it do to focus on it, repeat it, and get stuck with it?

You are probably thinking, “Are you naive? How can I not worry?” I know it sounds naive to you, but you can choose to compartmentalize your money worries and focus on all the other things that I have been describing. You can do constructive things—now—rather than worrying about the future. The future will come, whether you worry or not. You don’t know the future. You might get a new job sooner than later. The future might take care of itself. Even if it doesn’t work out as well as you might wish it to, there is no real advantage to worrying about future money issues.

I want you to consider two ways of looking at worrying about money: First, it’s the repetitive nature of your worry; second, it’s the ability to compartmentalize your worry. OK, you have had worries about money before—many times: the same thoughts, repeated incessantly. There is nothing new in the new occurrence of the worry. There is no new information. It’s the same. Repeating it won’t lead to any new solutions or insights. You are just nagging yourself. Consider putting the worry into a compartment and setting it aside to a time during the day when you can worry about your money problems.