Keeping Your Head After Losing Your Job (13 page)

3: Don’t jump to conclusions

Losing your job and losing your income can be difficult to deal with. But a lot of what makes it even more difficult is what you are telling yourself about what has happened. I asked Brian what thoughts were going through his head about this:

“If I don’t get a job, I won’t be able to pay the bills. I will draw on my savings,” he said.

“OK, so you see this going on for quite some time?”

“Yes, it could. Look, there are some people out of work for a couple of years.”

“OK, so keep going with these thoughts, “If I don’t get a job and I draw down my savings, then what will happen?”

“I’ll run out of money. I’ll lose my house. My wife will leave me.”

“What’s the worst outcome you can see?”

“I suppose I am homeless.”

This string of negative automatic thoughts can feel devastating. But to carry this sequence of thoughts to its dire conclusions requires that you have to assume a lot of really negative things will happen. After all, Brian could get a job sometime in the future. He and Kathy could economize. They might be able to rely on unemployment benefits for a while. They could keep their house. They could even move to a cheaper place to live. His wife could stay with him.

Seeing things more positively

I like to think about all the reasons why none of these things would happen. Now, again, there is no guarantee, but there are lots of things that you can do to cope with your situation and the things that could happen.

First, almost everyone eventually gets a job—especially if they are willing to put effort into it, give it time, be flexible about the job, the pay and the location, and consider acquiring new skills. You have lost your job, not your life. You are still a living human being with intelligence, the capacity to work, the ability to solve problems. It’s not over. It’s just beginning.

Second, you and your family may find it quite illuminating to consider how you can start saving money. Most of us buy a lot of things that are next to useless. We don’t need most of what we have. Your unemployment may be temporary—but the lessons to learn about economizing are lessons for life. This is a good time to start economizing—at least now you are motivated. I’ve found that a lot of people who have a financial setback are a lot smarter about spending in the future. This is your opportunity, however difficult it may be.

Third, don’t assume that you will lose your house. Banks are not eager to repossess if new arrangements can be made. After all, banks are not in the property business, they are lenders. So before you assume that you will lose your house, realize that there may be ways of negotiating the financing. You might be able to extend the length of your mortgage or get financing at a lower interest rate.

Fourth, it’s also possible that you could end up “downsizing” to a house or apartment that is more affordable. There is nothing absolutely essential about any particular house—after all, you lived a life before you had the house. Reducing expenses through moving into something smaller might be a way to reduce your stress. This might never be an issue for you, but it is a way that some people have coped.

Fifth, your partner might prove to be a source of support for you and the family. Some partners are not—some turn against the person who is out of work. But most husbands and wives pull together and try to solve the problem as a partnership. Rather than assume that you will lose your family, you might very well find out that your family is your major source of support.

Try to catch yourself with these “what ifs?” running through your head and then tell yourself, “Perhaps none of these things will really happen.” Try to challenge these negative thoughts with more balanced, rational and helpful thoughts—indicating there may be adaptive ways of coping every step along the way. Always consider another way to look at it.

When things work out differently

There is no guarantee that everything will work out, but there is also no guarantee that the worst possible outcome will happen either. But what if some of these things did happen? After all, bad things do happen in this difficult life. Tom is a case in point. You may remember from Chapter One that he was ashamed and inclined to isolate himself before he came to see me. His wife, Becky, loved to spend money, and she loved to compete with the neighbors for the most expensive car, house, designer clothes, holidays, and so on. She was into competitive spending. Tom was able to keep up with their lifestyle until the company he worked for went bad and he lost his job, then he no longer had any money coming in. Becky began to nag him, humiliate him, and compare him to the other husbands who were doing so much better. Finally, after a year he moved out, into a small apartment and gave up his expensive car. He saw his daughter, Rachel, several times a week.

As Tom began to examine what had happened, he realized that Becky was actually the wrong partner for him. He said to me, “You know, Bob, I used to like reading books. I used to study religion and philosophy. I used to listen to music. My life with Becky was chasing after money that she would spend on things we didn’t need. She stood for all the wrong values. I became a person I didn’t like—constantly focused on money. Now, I live in a small apartment, but I really am happier. I have a better relationship with Rachel and I feel better about the person that I am.”

Tom went on to describe how one day he stood on a small bridge near to his apartment and thought about his new life. It was better. And the bridge, in my view, symbolized that he had connected with something deep inside himself: his true values, his real self. He had been living a life of status and money, and it really wasn’t him. The bridge took him back to being the person he really wanted to be.

Ironically, Tom may have lost his job, his money, and his wife, but he rediscovered who he really is. And he now knew that life without Becky could be a better life.

Take each step individually

Jumping to conclusions can get you to jump off a bridge. I suggest that you take each event, each fact, as a separate experience. Right now you have lost your job. You are collecting the information on how you spend money. You are beginning to keep a budget. There is no need to jump from what is going on now to what may never happen in the future. You have a lot of things to cope with right now and you don’t need to solve problems in the possible future—problems that may never occur. Deal with each day—one at a time.

EXERCISE: WHAT MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE?

Work through the following list to clarify your thoughts about the conclusions you are reaching:

•
Are you jumping to conclusions?

•
What do you fear will happen?

•
How likely is it that your worst fears will come true?

•
What are some reasons why each of these fears will not come true?

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How could you handle some of these possibilities if they did occur?

4: What is free?

I often think that I have a great advantage over most people when it comes to money and all its emotional issues. I grew up poor—I mean,
really poor
. My parents were divorced when I was not yet two, my mother had to receive welfare payments for a few years because our father provided absolutely no support, we lived in a housing project, and my brother and I never went to a restaurant until we went to college. There were no safety nets. My brother, Jim, and I worked for our savings—I had a paper route and rode my bicycle through the snow in the winter to deliver papers at 6:30 in the morning. We ushered at Yale sporting events to make money, and shoveled snow and cut grass to have a chance to buy a milk shake. We were always busy. We were poor, but we didn’t feel deprived.

The one free thing I had was my library card. I walked almost two miles to the library to be able to sit there and read books that would take me to a different world, to different times, fuelling my fantasy of exciting possibilities. My library card was my freedom. My brother and I seemed to spend almost every day at the park across from where we lived—playing basketball, shoveling off snow from the court in the winter. There were always other kids to play with. We were never alone. Play was free—and fun.

So enough about my hard-luck story; here’s the point: there are a lot of things you can do that are free. I would argue that they are the most important things. Here are some examples:

You can spend time with your kids.
That’s free—and fun. And your kids will benefit more from your attention than from some unnecessary gadget that other kids think they need. Talking to your kids, playing ball with them, playing with them, laughing with them, listening to them, all are free—and important.

You can read
, listen to music, fix things around the house, make your environment a better place, help out with the chores, learn new skills, see your friends, go for walks, exercise, play sports, ride a bike, sing in the shower and relax—all free, and all important.

You can help the people in your life feel loved.
It’s free—but is really priceless. It doesn’t cost you anything to tell your wife, husband, or your children, that you love them. It doesn’t take a large salary to tell them you appreciate what they do, who they are and what they mean to you. You don’t have to be bubbling over with compliments, but a hug, a kiss, a caress, a compliment can go a long way.

I remember the son of a wealthy man who told me that he felt emotionally deprived all through his childhood—his father and mother were too busy. “So tell me, Rob, what is the best memory you have of your father growing up?” I asked him.

“I remember when I was a little kid, I came into their bedroom in the morning and my dad let me get on top of him, and he was holding me and playing with me.”

Strange how a little play and affection is worth a lot more than a bank account. A kid can’t play and laugh with a bank account. Sometimes all a kid needs is a lap to sit in and a father or mother who will listen.

Exercise is free, by the way.
You might say, “I can’t afford to go to an expensive health club.” Funny, when I was a kid, I didn’t even know there were health clubs. But you can exercise at home, go for walks, practice stretching, get yourself in better shape. Is there a park near you? Then go to it.

Meditation and yoga are also free.
OK, you might be thinking, “I’m not a new-age person, I don’t need this Eastern mumbo-jumbo.” Well, that’s exactly what Karen said to me about yoga and meditation. “It’s just not me,” she said with considerable confidence and with a little disdain about the fact that I would even put her name and meditation in the same sentence. But much to her surprise and mine, she was willing to try it out. For months afterwards she would quote from lessons of wisdom that she had learned from her yoga class. And you can practice yoga and meditation on your own. Karen is like a lot of people who find that yoga is excellent exercise—it helps stretch and tone your muscles, and it makes you more flexible. Part of yoga is often meditation, reflection, acceptance and calming yourself in the present moment. We will talk more about meditation in a little while. But keep in mind: yoga, meditation, relaxation—anywhere, anytime, free.

You might not be a religious person,
so this might be something that you skip over. But a lot of people find religion to be a comforting, meaningful, and enriching experience. One of my clients, an Orthodox Jewish man, told me that the most comfortable and meaningful time for him was morning prayers at the synagogue. He felt at peace, he felt connected, he experienced a meaning larger than himself.

According to the Pew Research Group
¹²
, 40% of Americans are active in religious organizations. The research by the Pew Research Group in the US indicates the following: “Compared with those who are not involved with such organizations, religiously active Americans are more trusting of others, are more optimistic about their impact on their community, think more highly of their community, and are more involved in more organizations of all kinds.”

Religious practice and attending a church, synagogue, or mosque can help in many ways. Many people who participate in religious services and institutions are able to connect with others in their community. Meeting weekly with others from a similar faith can help you feel connected, understood, and not alone. According to a Rasmussen Survey
¹³
, 47% of Americans pray every day—or nearly every day.

If religion and prayer are meaningful to you, then you might join the millions of others who observe and practice their faith every day.

There may be people in your religious community that can help you find a job or provide leads for training. Religion often gives people a sense of hope and purpose, a value to their lives that is independent of money and social status. Psychologists may often derogate religion, but I have found that many of my clients, friends, and family members gain considerable support and meaning from their religious observance. And, it’s also free.

EXERCISE: NEW WAYS TO SPEND TIME