Keeping Your Head After Losing Your Job (23 page)

I wondered how Brian responded to Ed’s loss of his job.

“I tried to be supportive. I could see he was going through a rough time. He was trying to pick up some freelance work until he could get back on his feet and find a full-time job. He told me he was watching his expenses.”

“Sounds like your experience, to some extent, doesn’t it?” I asked.

Brian began to realize that unemployment happens to his friends and family and that, at different times in life, you could be the one giving support or the one getting support.

Most people will be supportive

Brian’s quest to connect with his friends and contacts had mixed results—but, overall, he said, it was helpful. Over the next few weeks he met with seven old friends and colleagues. When he got around to discussing his current position of being out of work and looking for the next job, several of his friends were very supportive. Two mentioned how they had been out of work in the past, and one of them described the layoffs that had been happening where he was. Some of them suggested possible leads, companies that might need Brian’s experience, each of them encouraging him to keep his hope up and to keep busy looking.

One guy, though, was visibly nervous, seeming to fidget when Brian mentioned he was out of work. “He began looking down at his fork, as if he wanted to end the conversation, as if he wanted to get out of there.” Brian was disappointed in this friend’s response and couldn’t work out what was going on. I said:

“Well, it’s hard to know what is going on in someone else’s mind, Brian. But some people have a hard time dealing with real emotional issues. They feel awkward and uncomfortable. Who knows? Perhaps he was thinking he didn’t know what to say to make you feel better, as if that was his job. Or perhaps your situation reminded him of something he fears; losing his job. Sometimes people just have a hard time with the serious things in life.” As Brian thought about this guy he realized that this was exactly what he had thought about him in the past—he was a rather superficial person who just liked talking about sports, telling jokes, and getting his work done. He was a private person, in fact, someone Brian thought was hard to get to know. And this interaction confirmed his view of him. Yes, sometimes people will let us down.

Widening your network

Knowing that most of Brian’s friends and colleagues were supportive and encouraging, and could even give him ideas for leads, was helpful to him. This spurred him on to contact more people on his list. I asked: “Brian, has it occurred to you that some people might actually like to be in a position to be supportive—even if it might be awkward? It can make you feel useful, important, and good about yourself to support someone who is out of work. It’s not always that way, but it could be that way with some of these people.”

We discussed how someone might feel in business talking with someone who was out of work. If he were on the other side, he might think, “Why should I have to deal with this? It’s not my problem. This guy is out of work, and he can’t help me.” But we then looked at the other side: “This guy is a good person, he’s talented. This could happen to anyone. If I do him a favor, I create a lot of good will. I can feel good about myself if I help someone. I’m no worse off if I am supportive and, who knows, he might return the favor one day.” We discussed how this view of a network empowered people who participated in networks. I said, “If you are a player in a network, you create a lot of obligations and goodwill. People begin thinking of you as the person who helps his friends. Perhaps some of the people you contact might feel that way. I hope that when you are back working and someone approaches you, that you will reach out to them.”

Multiply your leads

Brian’s categories included people who were not close, but could be a source of a network. I suggested that he ask each person he spoke to if there were two people they could recommend that he contact to learn more about what was out there. Some people were able to name a couple of others, some were not. But expanding your network by multiplying your leads is a good way of “penetrating the market” out there. Some jobs are through word-of-mouth, some through public listings, and others through agencies. I know I like getting personal recommendations from people when I’m looking for future staff members because I feel they have already done some of the screening, and people will know what I am looking for and what kind of person I am like to work with. But multiplying your leads by having one lead connect to another lead is an effective way of dramatically expanding your possibilities. People may say “No,” or “I don’t know,” but you only need that one lead to pay off.

Filling in with part-time work

Joe lost his job at the factory and had a small severance package with benefits for a while, but he knew that this would run out after a couple of years. He and his wife, Sarah, had a small amount in savings, but with two kids in school and a mortgage, he worried about making ends meet. Joe had lived for over twenty-five years in the small town where they were now, so he knew a lot of people. But there was no factory opening up, no big hiring going on. His cousin, Martin, had a landscaping business—which doubled in the winter cutting branches from trees and clearing snow. “You know, Joe,” said Martin, “I could use you in my work. It’s only part-time, although sometimes you might work more hours because of the weather or the jobs, but it’s work, and I can pay you enough to make it worth your while.” Joe always liked working outside, so he took the job.

When I talked to him about the period after losing his job he said, “You know, I am always working now. It’s not that I have anything full-time. But I work for Martin, helping with his work, and I also do other odd jobs and help out with the school part-time. It pays the bills.”

I looked at him with a great deal of admiration and said, “You are incredibly resourceful. It’s amazing how versatile and determined you are. I really think you should be proud of yourself for working so hard to make things work out.”

The value of the contacts you have made

Every job that Joe got was through family, friends, and other contacts. He was able to piece together the support he needed to keep his house and support himself and his family.

Reaching out for connection and support doesn’t always work. But it’s far more productive than isolation, passivity, and rumination. You won’t know until you try. Some people will be supportive, some may have leads, others may not know what to say, and still others may not return your calls. You find out about people when things are tough, and you can remember who was there—and who wasn’t.

EXERCISE: CREATE A NETWORK

Start to build up a useful network for finding employment by working through the points below:

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Make a list of people you know—from close friends and family to people you are barely acquainted with.

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Think of this list as your “prospects” for a network and categorize them in terms of how useful they might be in developing social support or looking for a job.

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Identify your negative thoughts about why it might be difficult to contact these people. Challenge these negative thoughts.

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Is it possible that almost everyone on this list has been unemployed, worries about losing their job, or has a close family member or friend who has been unemployed?

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When you contact people, explore additional contacts that they might know. Expand your network.

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Could some people feel good about being supportive?

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If you got just a few sources of support, would it be worth it?

4: Become a volunteer

Karen told me that she spent most days hanging around her apartment with nothing to do, waiting to hear if one of her job applications had been picked up. “It’s like I am killing time, and it’s killing me. I hate feeling so useless, so invisible.” Actually, Karen’s negative thoughts came from a good place—she wanted to feel useful and to connect with others. Her job had provided a lot of that, but she was isolating herself in her apartment, feeling ineffective, cut off from the world. We had to change that.

“Have you ever done any volunteer work?” I asked her.

“Yeah. When I was at the university, I used to teach inner city kids and volunteered at a local care home. When I first moved to the city, I remembered missing my dog from home, so I volunteered at an animal shelter. Actually, I didn’t work with the dogs so much as helping socialize the cats. I used to play with them. I wasn’t really a cat person, but I got so hooked on cats that I adopted one. I still have her. Her name is Samantha.”

“What do you think about doing some volunteer work now?”

“I don’t know where to start,” she said, beginning with the first thought that every depressed person seems to have: “I don’t know how to do it.” I suggested that we do some research together.

Helping others can lead to helping ourselves

In most towns and cities you simply can Google the word “volunteers” with the name of the town/city, and you will get a large number of possibilities. You can also look in your local newspaper. You can volunteer to help with children, elderly people, and people who are ill, housebound, or who have memory problems. You can volunteer to help with animals, charities, or organizations who need assistance with fundraising, such as the local hospital, and any number of other possibilities. Even rural areas have lots of possibilities for volunteering.

You may think that volunteer work is a waste of time. You might think, “How is this going to help me get a job? That’s my problem right now.” Yes, it may be one of your problems—not having a job—but volunteer work can help you address another problem: how you take care of yourself. If you had a choice between volunteering to help someone else and sitting around your house or apartment ruminating and worrying about the future, which direction would you want to go in? If you help someone else, you might be helping yourself.

Another step on the employment ladder

I actually think volunteer work can help you get your next job. If you are volunteering, you are expanding your network, getting yourself out there, creating goodwill, giving people the right impression about you. Every person that you contact and make a good impression on is a potential lead. One could lead to a job interview. You never know. Another reason that volunteer work can help you is that you can talk about your volunteer work on your next job interview. What will it say about you? I think it will say that you are active, involved, responsible, altruistic, and caring. That sounds like the kind of person I would want to hire. People may want to help you if they see that you are helping other people. How could it hurt?

Feeling useful, being appreciated

When looking for volunteer work, you could ask if there is any volunteer work at your local church, charity, or hospital. You would immediately be part of that community—and it will be a community of people who care about other people: good people, people who reach out, people who can reach out to you. You will feel useful and better about yourself, you will get out of your isolation, and you will make a difference. In some cases, volunteer work can help you connect with people who then help you find work that pays. One of my clients, who was out of work, volunteered to work on research. They eventually hired her full time. Another, an out-of-work architect, volunteered at his local church community, and he eventually got commissions to design homes.

Karen decided to help an eleven-year-old girl with her homework, “I found this great volunteer group that has us helping kids in the inner city with their school work. I’m working with a girl who lives with her grandmother and aunt, and she’s really very sweet, but things at home have been pretty rough. She lost her mother, who was a drug addict, and never really knew her father. We’re working on her math and science together, and I can tell you that it’s a real challenge. But sometimes I feel like I’m her friend, not just her tutor.”

“How does that make you feel, Karen?”

“That’s just perfect for me.”

Giving and helping through life

Of course, volunteer work doesn’t have to end when you get your job. I think all of us should give back—preferably on an ongoing basis. Reaching out beyond yourself helps you feel you are doing the right thing. You matter to someone else. They don’t care if you don’t have a job—in fact, it makes their lives easier—you are more available. Someone looks forward to you turning up, someone counts on you. It reminds you, too, that others have problems, others may be worse off than you are right now. I always feel that when I help someone, I am helping myself. I’m reaching out beyond my petty needs and connecting with the real world. There’s always someone out there that needs you. Everyone has something to offer.

EXERCISE: LOOKING DEEPER INTO
VOLUNTEERING

You may never have thought of volunteering before. Use the list below to help you think about it in more detail.

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Have you ever done any volunteer work? What was it like?

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What do you think of people who do volunteer work? Do you have positive thoughts about them? What are these thoughts? Perhaps you could direct these thoughts to yourself when you volunteer?

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What are the possible advantages of volunteering?

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Would you feel useful, good about yourself, that you are making a contribution?

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Could you meet new people—caring and decent people—who are also involved in volunteering?

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Could any of these people be a source of social support or networking for a job?

5: Take a course

If you think you might be out of work for a while, it might make sense to learn something new. There are community centers, colleges, and universities, and even private companies that provide courses—and training—that can enhance your life, build skills you might need, and connect you with other people. Most courses have to be paid for, but some will be subsidized if you are unemployed, and your unemployment benefits office will also know if you qualify to attend a free course to develop new skills. Some organizations will also give you a grant to attend a course providing you meet certain criteria. You can Google “courses for the unemployed” and see what comes up.