Keeping Your Head After Losing Your Job (24 page)

Steven had been out of work for some time. An aspiring actor, he wasn’t getting any paying jobs. He was talented, but there were thousands of other talented people. He decided to investigate taking a course in using computer software in an office so he might qualify for office work. Steven was a quick learner and he was now getting skills he could use in the marketplace. The great thing about it was that a local college was offering the course for free. He felt he was making progress, building his ability to support himself, and meeting new people. Learning how to do office work wasn’t the “coolest” thing from his point of view, but it did help him overcome his fear that he would be permanently unemployed.

Courses don’t have to be career oriented, however. They can be fun, meaningful, interesting, and growth oriented. Karen remembered that she used to like to draw, so we discussed the possibility of taking a course on drawing in a local art class. It was informal; she could just show up, bring her charcoal and pad, pay the small admission charge, and draw the model. She said, “I feel I can just let myself get lost in the moment when I am drawing. It focuses my eye and my mind on the contours, the light and the darkness. I can express myself without thinking about a job or bills to pay.” Karen was rediscovering something she thought had been lost forever; the ability to be creative and expressive. The class included people of all ages and of all walks of life, all kinds of people. She began to talk with people in the class and made some new friends. But she told me that it was a sense of personal freedom to be able to go to the class and just express herself. “I wish I had more time for this when I was working.”

I said, “It depends on the priorities that are important to you, Karen. Weren’t there people in that class who had full-time jobs?”

Get fit

Of course, the healthiest kind of class to join might be an exercise class. One of the risks of being unemployed is that you have less physical activity and can do more emotional eating, which can lead to weight gain, high blood pressure, and higher cholesterol levels. None of that is good for you and all of it can be prevented. In the next chapter we will go into more detail on self-care during this time between jobs, but right now I want to mention the value of an exercise class—or a yoga class—or both.

I go to a local health club several times a week, and I also workout on my own. That’s my style. But I notice a lot of people coming into the club on a regular basis to exercise. They get a great workout, but they also get to interact with each other. Some facilities have “water exercise classes” which are less stressful on your legs, but provide you with a great opportunity to work out with other people. Again, it’s all about getting out and doing something with other people. And you can get into better shape as you do it.

Yoga classes are terrific for a number of reasons. First, yoga is a great way to stretch, build strength and flexibility, and calm your mind at the same time. Second, yoga is a form of meditation for many people, helping to reduce stress and learn the ability to stay in the present moment—where you are not worried or ruminating. And, third, you might find some interesting, warm, intelligent, and caring people in the community of yoga practice. I see people almost daily who are walking through the city streets carrying their yoga mat. They are eager to get to their class, eager to stretch, eager to meet their friends, and make new ones. One of my clients told me that yoga had changed her life. She described how she not only got into better shape, but how it also helped with her eating, her stress, her sleep, and her outlook on life. At her class, there were inspirational messages that they contemplated on weekly. I often had the sense that I wish I had come up with those ideas, but I was glad to learn from her. She also told me that she was meeting some really kind people—people she could talk to, people who were accepting, and people who were living a healthier lifestyle.

Think about a change of direction

Some people decide that this time between jobs can be extended rather than shortened so they can actually add to their skills and credentials. One way of looking at this time is to do a realistic assessment: would you be better off if you had more credentials behind you? For example, some people decide to go back to college—either part-time or full-time—to add to their CV and skills. You might look at the different courses offered in your area to determine if it makes sense to get new training, and even plan on changing your career goals.

Carl was an example of someone who “faced the facts,” as he told me. He had been a professional musician, very talented, but work was hard to get and he spent a good period of time being unemployed. He decided he was tired of not having money on a regular basis and tired of waiting for the next job to come along, so he went back to college and took courses on computers. He had an excellent mind, and liked tinkering around with his computer and learning new programs. He especially liked the idea that he was increasing his potential marketability. After six months of concentrating on this new interest, he was able to get a job with a company that valued his new skills. The great thing about working with information technology is that it is always changing, you are always learning, and you are almost always in demand. Carl was able to keep up his interests with music, playing occasional gigs after work, and using the new technology to compose creative music. Learning more doesn’t always mean giving up everything else.

Other people think about going back to college full time for a couple of years. During economic downturns, there is an increase of applications to colleges and graduate programs. Some people think, “The job market is telling me something. I may as well take a step backward right now in earning an income—take a course for a degree—and eventually increase my earning potential later—and for the rest of my life.” Advanced training and degrees dramatically increase your earning potential and marketability. It’s a real commitment, a real loss of income, an increased cost, but it may be something to consider.

There are lots of different kinds of classes to take—exercise, yoga, drawing and painting, classes to acquire new skills and classes on any topic. You’re never worse off from learning or connecting with new people. It helps get you out of yourself. It makes your life more interesting. And, who knows, you might find someone who can help you move to the next stage in your life or help to make the current situation a better experience in living.

EXERCISE: MOVING FORWARD WITH
ACTIVITY AND LEARNING

Look at the following points and consider whether you might enjoy joining a class for fun, relaxation, fitness or learning.

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Are there things you wanted to learn about but didn’t have the time? What were they?

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Research courses and training in your area. Identify several possible directions to pursue.

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What would be the advantages and disadvantages of courses and training?

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Are there government agencies, colleges, organizations or businesses that provide training opportunities?

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What new skills or credentials could you obtain that might help you pursue new opportunities for work?

6: Connect with networks and clubs

We were not meant to live life alone. When you are unemployed, you may feel you have lost that daily social contact, that sense of identity, and that daily structure in your life. You wake up in the morning and feel there is nowhere to go. But there is always somewhere to go—somewhere to be. You don’t want to get trapped in your head, ruminating, regretting, and worrying. You need to get outside of yourself.

There are lots of potential networks to join, so that you can get involved. Probably you already belong to at least one of these online networks—perhaps you belong to Facebook or LinkedIn, or some other social network. The great value of these online networks is that they are free and they can continue to expand your contacts. You can start with the friends you already have on your social network (I will use Facebook here, although you may belong to other networks—or you might just be joining). Each of your friends on these networks is a potential source of connection and support. For example, Lydia had been out of work and was feeling down. I suggested she get more active on her Facebook account, and she began posting some information about her son and daughter. Three of her old friends responded. One said, “Haven’t seen you in a while. Let’s get together.” Another one “liked” her posting. I urged her to make plans. She got together with one of her old neighbors from where she used to live before her divorce, and they had lunch. It was a relief for her. Another friend, who she saw two weeks later, encouraged her to get back into looking for a job and, in the meantime, connect up with some volunteer work. (I liked this since it was reinforcing what I was talking to her about.)

Getting to grips with messaging

Some people find it helpful to use the messaging and chat features of social networking sites. This allows you more “real time” interactions and can help you strengthen your connections. You can make comments about people’s postings on music, movies, politics, personal issues, travel, or whatever your interests are. I am convinced that many people on these networks are eager to expand their own support, so it’s mutually beneficial and rewarding.

You might be hesitant to connect on the social networks because you feel embarrassed about being out of work. You have two choices: either mention it, or don’t mention it. I am convinced that almost every single person you contact on these networks has either been out of work, or has a close friend or family member out of work. Do you think people will “unfriend” you if you don’t have a current job?

Discover a network of interests that suit you

People meet other people through their interests. We have already seen how volunteer work can bring you together with other people—and keep you involved in feeling useful and productive. But you might have other interests that you want to follow up on. A lot of sports equipment stores have listings of hiking and biking clubs; meditation and yoga centers have listings of people who want to get together and share interests; there are book clubs or reading groups; and there are groups that your church might have where you can share your values and interests.

If you are a professional or businessperson, there are organizations where you can connect with people in your field. You don’t have to have a current job to belong. In any case, you can check with your professional or business interest groups to see if there are meetings or events. Many of these organizations have speaking events, networks, or even support groups. Look into it and follow up. What do you have to lose?

Most schools, colleges, and universities are interested in keeping their past students and alumni connected with each other and with the school or university. You can check out your classmates from school and college on social networks such as Facebook and LinkedIn, and you can also contact the schools themselves to find out if there are any alumni events. I’ve found it to be immensely valuable to connect with some of my old friends from college. You have much in common with people from your past, and it makes sense to reach out and meet them again. Sometimes your former school may want a volunteer to help out with contacting former classmates or in getting involved in the school’s activities and development.

Some universities provide support for graduates seeking employment. You should contact your university to find out if they are involved in anything that can be helpful to you. Some of my former university peers are heavily involved in contacting others, arranging luncheons and other events, connecting on a listserv (an electronic mailing list) where people keep up with what is going on. I have made new friends from these kinds of discussions—people I never knew at university but who I wanted to get to know because of our exchange on the listserv. It’s a great way to expand your network. And it’s great to get out of your isolation and rumination.

EXERCISE: USING SOCIAL NETWORKING

If you’ve never used social networking sites, you may feel uncertain about them. Use the list below to get started.

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People are always looking for other people to share interests and activities. Could there be someone out there who might like to know you?

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Explore social networks and identify possible friends or new people with similar interests. Connect.

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Look into clubs, interest groups, professional organizations and any other opportunities where people might connect. Go to these events.

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Contact your former school, college or university and find out what activities and mailing groups are available. You might connect up with someone you haven’t seen in years.

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Get involved in professional or business groups where you can network.

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New people are a source of support, shared interests and possible leads for jobs.

7: Become a tourist

This might sound like a far-fetched thing for you to do, but bear with me for a few minutes while I explain what I mean. The key thing is getting out and getting outside of yourself. This can involve networking, clubs, courses, volunteer work, connecting with classmates and old friends, and lots of other proactive strategies. But getting outside yourself may literally mean “getting outside.” I like to think about making yourself into a tourist and taking advantage of your local possibilities.

For example, if you ask anyone who lives in a big city when was the last time they went to a museum or art gallery, or walked around a public garden, or even visited some of the noteworthy architectural or historical sites, they will often look at you and say, “I don’t have time for that, I have a job.” Well, that must mean that if you don’t have a job for now, you have time for those things.

Periodically, I like to think of myself as a tourist wherever I am. Earlier in my career I lived in lots of different places—New Haven, Connecticut; Washington, DC; Cambridge, Massachusetts; Berkeley, California; Boulder, Colorado; Vancouver, Canada; and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I now live in New York City. In each city, I turned myself into a tourist. Wherever you are, there are places that you would take a visitor. It could be interesting museums, buildings, exhibitions, clubs, or sports events in the place where you live. Take yourself. Be your own tour guide. I am constantly rediscovering New York City, and I’ve lived here for decades. Or think about the natural beauty in your area and visit the countryside, coastline, and rivers; look at the hills and historic sites, walk through the old towns, find out what there is to see. You can get a lot of information on the websites of the towns and countryside near you. Everyone is trying to promote the attractions where they live. Get up and go—and carry your imagination and curiosity with you, now that you have the time.