Keeping Your Head After Losing Your Job (7 page)

Creative play—it’s part of your day

Try to be creative with fun things to do. Perhaps there are some films you want to see, or museums, exhibitions to visit or music that you want to listen to. You might think, “I can’t afford to do anything.” Certainly, financial concerns and limitations are real, but do you really mean “anything”? The challenge may be to find activities that are free—or at very low cost. For example, riding your bike, going to a free museum, taking a walk, visiting the library—all can be free and valuable. (Also, in Chapter Seven I look at some of the things that you can do that don’t cost you anything.)

Since you have a lot of time right now—and you won’t have this free time when you get back to work—try to have more fun doing what you wanted to do in the past but never had the time. One man who followed this advice began having so much fun keeping himself busy that, when he finally got a job, he said to me, “I wonder if this means I won’t have as much fun anymore.”

Some people—including the partners or spouses of the unemployed—will say that you don’t deserve to have fun if you are out of work. You should be looking for a job. Well, you
should
be looking for a job—but you can’t do that 24 hours a day. As I said earlier, looking for a job
is
your current job, but you also have another job: taking care of yourself. This will involve keeping busy, having daily plans, doing pleasurable and rewarding activities and having fun. Of course, you and your partner may need to discuss how money is spent, but being unemployed does not mean that you should deprive yourself of pleasure and fun activities. I would suggest that taking care of yourself—by doing rewarding activities—is a great investment that can pay off.

Having fun doesn’t mean that you neglect looking for a job. If you balance your job search with self-care, you will probably be more upbeat and in better physical and mental shape when you go for an interview. Having fun will improve your outlook and your ability to do a good interview. But it’s good to have fun no matter what. Just ask your kids.

Use the table below to list some fun things every day, every week. Plan fun things a day and a week in advance. If possible, allow yourself some “silly time,” just as if you are a kid for a few minutes each day. Having fun isn’t going to hurt anyone—there is nothing bad about pursuing happiness.

EXCERCISE: HAVING FUN

Keep track of what you actually do and what you felt and thought while you did these things. Here’s an example.

Fun things to do	When did you do this?	What you thought and felt while doing these things
Going for a bike ride	Tuesday morning	This is beautiful being out in nature, moving along the pavement, feeling the wind. Even if it rains, it’s great to be riding my bike. I used to enjoy this so much when I was a kid

Use this list of points to help you plan for more fun in your life:

•
What are some things that you used to do that were fun?

•
Schedule some fun every day.

•
Give yourself permission to live a good life. If you can laugh every day, you are making progress.

•
Look at people or animals who have fun—who know how to play—and learn from them. Look at the world from the innocence and awe of a child. Then, play.

4

BUILD YOUR SELF-ESTEEM

In a recent article in the
Wall Street Journal
26% of those currently working had some period of unemployment during the past 30 months. Nevertheless, many people who are unemployed feel a sense of shame. “I feel like a loser,” one man said. “People will look down on me.”

The irony of these shameful thoughts is that they don’t seem to reflect the fact that unemployment is highly likely for millions of people in the workforce. Market conditions—changes in financial stability, declining demand, over-supply, and pessimism about business—have lead companies to lay workers off. The central and local government cuts mean that, at times, there is no alternative other than to lay off highly qualified workers. Private companies also suffer in difficult economic times. People have less money to spend, they are more cautious, there is less demand and companies lay off workers because there is less work needed. It’s a vicious cycle. Unemployment is part of a larger system of uncertainty, change and lack of control. It is often beyond the control of those who are laid off.

Let’s look at how you can handle your self-critical thoughts and your sense of shame. What can you do?

1: Normalize the problem

When you watch the news, you recognize that you are not alone. Millions of people are in the same boat. That doesn’t mean the boat is sinking, it only means that market economies like ours go through ups and downs. If you are out of work, join the crowd. As I mentioned in Chapter One, about 36–38% of the adult population is not working at any given time. (This is the “labor participation rate.”) Unemployment is so widespread that there isn’t a family or a friend that doesn’t know someone who is out of work or who has once been out of work.

Think about all the people you know who have been out of work at some point. It could be your father or mother, brother or sister, your friends, your neighbors, or your former colleagues. Whenever I discuss the issue of unemployment, people tell me their personal stories or the stories about people close to them. It’s an unfortunate but widely experienced problem—I can’t imagine anyone not knowing someone who has gone through a period of being unemployed.

Danny lost his job in the construction business during one of the economic downturns. He knew construction work was cyclical, and when the economy was booming, there was plenty of work to go around. But when the economy stalled, lots of people were laid off. For Danny, normalizing the problem was recognizing that a lot of people he knew—and people he did not know—lost their jobs. I asked him if he knew other people over the years who had been out of work. He thought for a moment and began to smile—that smile of recognition that says,
I am not alone.
“Yes, my brother was out of work two years ago. So was my neighbor, and some of my other friends. Come to think of it—so was my cousin.” As he began realizing it was “normal” to be out of work, he began feeling less different from other people.

I asked him what he thought about these people. “I actually seldom think about them. It’s funny, but I am sure that they probably were going through a lot of the experiences and feelings I am having right now. But if I were to think about them I suppose I would think, ‘It must have been a hard time for you.’“ He realized that he would not be critical of them, he would try to be supportive, and he would realize that they are human just like him.

EXERCISE: LOOKING AT OTHERS WHO ARE OUT OF WORK

Spend a few moments thinking about people who have had periods without work.

•
What do you think about the fact that there are always millions of people out of work?

•
Do you know any people who have lost their jobs in the past? Or now?

•
How do you feel about them?

•
Are you more understanding and accepting of them than you are of yourself?

•
If So why?

2: Think of it as a “situation” rather than as “you”

People who are unemployed are not “different people;” they just find themselves in a temporary situation with which they must cope. Perhaps market conditions changed, perhaps there is a “downsizing” in the company, perhaps a new “team” is being brought in, perhaps it has nothing to do with you—except that you are the one who lost his or her job. Is it the situation or is it the person (“you”)?

There are four ways of thinking about something not working out:

1: Simply bad luck.
Sometimes you are the unlucky person who is working for a company that is having a downturn. Danny had the bad luck of working in construction when the economy hit a recession. Or perhaps you have the bad luck that your boss didn’t like you. Bad luck can change.

2: It was just too difficult
. For example, Karen was trying to sell software that could not compete with the new software available. It was simply too difficult. Laura, another of my clients, was working in a literary agency that couldn’t get publishers to buy the books. It was simply too hard. No matter how hard she tried, the market wasn’t there. When things are too hard, it’s important to do a “realistic diagnosis” and recognize that if the rewards aren’t there, it becomes too difficult a task. That doesn’t mean there aren’t lots of other things that you could do. It just means this one was too difficult.

3: A lack of effort.
It could be that you lost your job because you didn’t try hard enough. Perhaps you didn’t get to work on time, perhaps you took time off or didn’t work hard enough, perhaps you didn’t follow tasks through. For example, Wendy was fired from her job because she was wasting time Googling and using the internet rather than doing her job, and not getting things done that her boss required. The good news is that she learned from that experience and moved on to the next job where she was far more focused on getting things done at work rather than wasting time with things that had nothing to do with work. You can always change your effort the next time. You can learn from your mistakes rather than dwelling on them.

4: You didn’t have the ability to do the job
. For example, Paul dropped out of the university where he was studying law—his grades were abysmal. He realized, later, “I just wasn’t cut out to be a lawyer. I found it so hard. I hated every minute.”

Recognizing your strengths and weaknesses is important. Paul went on to find a career helping other people as a counselor. He is a lot happier working with his strengths.

The label makes a difference

If you think of this as a “situation” or “a problem to solve” rather than as a badge of failure, you can be more proactive in dealing with your temporary period of unemployment. If it is the “situation,” you can think of it as something external to you, perhaps a result of bad luck, perhaps something that might be temporary (situations change). If it is the situation, then you need to find a better situation—a better alternative. If it is the situation, then thinking creatively, looking for other situations with better outcomes would make sense for you. Even if the “situation” was that you were going through a difficult time at work and you were laid off because of something you did, that is a situation you can change the next time.

Think about the reasons why you lost your job:

•
Did you lose your job because of luck, the difficulty of the job, a lack of effort or a lack of ability?

•
Do you think of being unemployed as a “situation,” or is it a reflection of who you are as a person?

•
If you thought of this as a time to solve problems rather than criticizing yourself, how would you feel?

•
Are there different situations—different possibilities—that might be out there? If so, what are they and what can you do?

3: Do you have a maladaptive way of looking at this?

In cognitive therapy, we have found that people who are prone to depression, anxiety, or anger have problematic biases in their thinking. You may not have been depressed or anxious before you lost your job, but you may be prone to these feelings now that you are out of work. This may be related to how you are thinking about what has happened—and what it means.

Let’s look at some problematic ways of thinking that you might be using right now.

RECOGNIZING NEGATIVE THINKING

Look at the table below and see if you have a tendency to use these thinking biases. We all do, at times, but you might be more prone to do this now than in the past. Note down the ones you are prone to: is there any pattern to your thinking—and how it is related to your feelings?

Typical biases in thinking	Definition	Examples
Mind reading	You think you know what people are thinking and feeling	People think I am a loser. Everyone knows I don’t have a job
Fortune-telling	You are predicting the future without sufficient evidence	I will never get a job
Negative filter	You only focus on the negatives	I can’t take that holiday that we planned because we have to watch our money
Discounting the positives	You don’t see the positives as valid and you think they don’t really count	Yes, I can do a lot of things even though I don’t have a job, but they don’t count because the only thing that counts is getting a new job
Catastrophizing	You view what is happening or what might happen as awful—as if the world is going to end	I just can’t stand it that I don’t have a job. It’s the worst thing in the world. I will probably end up homeless
Personalizing	You take things personally, as if they are directed at you or as if you are to blame	It must be me. I failed. Even though there are a lot of people out of work, I must be at fault
Labelling	You label yourself in global terms	I am a failure, a loser
All-or-nothing thinking	You think in black-and-white terms and you don’t see the shades of grey in your life	Nothing works out. There is nothing that I can do. I don’t do well at anything

EXERCISE: CHALLENGING NEGATIVE THINKING

It’s a good idea to write your thinking biases down as they occur. Below you can see how to challenge these negative thoughts.

Typical biases in thinking	Challenging your negative thinking
Mind reading	How do you know what other people are thinking or feeling? Could you be wrong? Maybe they aren’t even thinking about you right now. You are not a mind-reader.
Fortune-telling	You can’t predict the future. We don’t know what could happen until it has happened. How many times have you been wrong in the past? What are some things that could happen that might lead to a good outcome? How can you increase the chances of positive outcomes?
Negative filter	Are you only focusing on the negative? What good will that do? Why not look at all the evidence –everything that is going on? Make a list of the positives and negatives. Try to “catch” positive things happening so that you have a more balanced view. This is not the “power of positive thinking”—this is the power of “realistic thinking.”
Discounting the positives	Are you not counting positive things? Why? What is the consequence of this? Do you think you are being realistic? What would be the advantage of also counting the positives? Would it help motivate you, decrease your feeling of being discouraged? Are you thinking, ‘This doesn’t count because I don’t have a job?’ What is the justification for this narrow discounting way of thinking? Try to keep track of all the positives for a week and see if it helps you feel better.
Catastrophizing	Are you viewing life as awful? Does this mean that there is nothing positive, ever? It may be a difficult time for you, but viewing it as a catastrophe only makes it worse. Try a more balanced view and see if there are any pleasurable and effective things that you can do. What can you still do even if you don’t have a job right now? Do those things and then give them credit.
Personalizing	Not everything is your fault. Companies often lay off people because of market conditions over which you have no control. Sometimes bosses are unrealistic and don’t understand that workers are human. If there are millions of people out of work at any one time it must be that there is something about the economy that leads to this. There is never full employment.
Labeling	If you label yourself in such negative ways you are likely to feel worse. You can look at the different positives and negatives that you have and get a more balanced view of yourself. No one is perfect and no one is all bad. Look at the things that you have done in your life that are positive, and give yourself some credit. Try to be more compassionate and kind towards yourself.
All-or-nothing thinking	If you look at yourself in this black-and-white way you are not being realistic or fair. Take a look at degrees of positives and negatives. Look at how your behavior might vary or change across different situations. Perhaps there are some things that you have been better at and some that you are not so good at. You can use self-correction rather than self-criticism to continually think of how you can improve yourself.

Don’t believe everything you say to yourself

You may remember that Ken used to isolate himself because he felt ashamed of being unemployed. Let’s look at how he could use these challenges to his negative thoughts. Ken was mind-reading: “People think I am a loser because I don’t have a job.” But his challenge was, “My family seems 100% on my side and has been encouraging me. I also don’t know what people think. If anything, my former colleagues might be thinking they are next.” His personalizing included his thoughts that he had failed at the job, which is why he was laid off, but the facts were that the company was downsizing and laying off hundreds of people. He also realized that his position was being squeezed out because of changing priorities at the company. His labeling thought was, “I must be a failure,” but his challenge to that was quite powerful: “I graduated from a university, I had done a good job for years, I am a good husband and father, and I am a good person.” The more he challenged these negative thoughts, the better he felt. Just because he had a
thought
didn’t make it a
fact.
We tell ourselves a lot of things that are just plain distorted and not true.