Keeping Your Head After Losing Your Job (6 page)

The fear of negative thoughts can stop you

Another reason that you might think that these rewarding activities will not be as pleasurable is that when you do them you are thinking all kinds of negative thoughts. For example, you might go for a long walk to get some exercise but find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts such as, “It’s pathetic that I am reduced to this—walking around. I used to have a good job.” Or you might be thinking, “I am walking but getting nowhere. It’s the story of my life.” It’s natural when you are feeling down to carry a lot of these negative thoughts around with you. But you have a choice of what to do with them. You can dwell on them or you can challenge them.

It’s not pathetic, for example, to exercise to feel better. It’s adaptive. It’s taking care of yourself. It’s being responsible to yourself. Exercise can increase those chemicals that make you feel better—they’re called endorphins. It’s like taking a pep pill. It’s also good for your health. So what’s maladaptive or pathetic about that?

Your thought that you are getting nowhere is also irrational.

You don’t have to be getting somewhere when you are taking care of yourself. You are doing something right now to make your life better. And, by the way, that is
somewhere
. IT’S HERE AND NOW!

Negative thoughts diminish the power of positive actions

Keep in mind that when you take notice of these negative thoughts when you are doing positive things, you are taking away the power of your actions. One way of diffusing these thoughts is to imagine them as a funny little character in a clown outfit that is walking a few feet behind you chattering away. It’s like a radio station with static and the words are hard to make out. Perhaps it’s a bit annoying, perhaps it occasionally interferes with enjoying the moment. But you don’t have to have a conversation with a radio station that’s not playing your kind of music. If you can, imagine reaching over, turning down the volume and saying, “I know the chatter is there, but I don’t have to engage in it, I don’t have to dance to that music. I am taking care of myself.”

Keep track of these negative thoughts every day. Challenge them. In the table below you can see how Ken challenged some of these thoughts when he found himself discounting positive things that he was doing. Keep in mind that it all depends on how you respond to your negative moods. If you just sink into them, dwell on them, remain passive, and isolate yourself, you will feel worse. If you take action, connect with people, carry out your plans and challenge these self-defeating thoughts you will feel better. You do have a choice. Look at Ken’s responses below.

Ken’s Responses to His Negative Thoughts

Negative thoughts	Adaptive thoughts
None of this will help me get a job. I used to be someone with a job.	My job right now is to take care of myself. Doing positive things, including exercise, is a great way for me to take care of myself. I have to live my life, don’t I? And, if I am feeling better and looking better, I might do better on a job interview.
These activities are pathetic.	Taking care of myself is not pathetic; it’s adaptive. What is the alternative? Should I just sit around and dwell on the negative. I am being adaptive and proactive. I am actually doing something. I am still someone even if I don’t have a job right now. I am someone doing adaptive things every day.
I used to enjoy these things more when I felt better.	Well, that’s not a surprise. When you feel down you don’t enjoy things as much. I need to do these things so that I can improve my mood and keep myself active. Feeling better depends on acting better.

EXERCISE: NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT HELPING MYSELF

Following Ken’s example, keep track of your negative thoughts about your self-help activities and then challenge these thoughts. Is there a pattern to these negative thoughts? Are you constantly saying, “It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a job” or “This is pathetic”? Keep in mind that you always have a choice to help yourself or defeat yourself. During this time between one job and the next you need to have yourself on your side.

Here’s another example to help you.

Negative thoughts	Adaptive thoughts
“What good will this do me? Nothing can help me if I don’t have a job”	Taking care of myself is a job I have right now. I can work at getting a job, but having plans every day, doing things that are rewarding, and giving myself credit are all useful and important things to do to help myself.

Now work through the following questions:

•
When you do potentially rewarding things, do you have a lot of negative thoughts?

•
What are these thoughts? Write them down.

•
How would you challenge these negative thoughts?

•
Would you be willing to experiment with doing the opposite of what your negative thoughts say? For example, if you are saying, ”This won’t work,” are you willing to keep up the potentially positive behavior for a while? Act
against
what you think and feel.

4: Your current job is looking for a job

Just because your prior job ended, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have a current job. Your current job is looking for a job. Dedicate some time each day to your job search. This can include looking at ads, contacting people who are potential leads in a network of people in your field, and asking for more leads to contact. You can expect that there will be lots of dead-ends, but—like working in sales—looking for a job takes persistence. You never know when a job will open up and you happen to be the person they are looking for.

As I said at the beginning of the book, this is not a book about how to get a job. It’s a book on how to take care of yourself in between the last job and the next. But one way of taking care of yourself is to keep busy looking for a job. You could devote several hours a day, or less than an hour a day—it depends on what there is to do that would be productive. I have found that people who take a “problem-solving approach” when looking for a job tend to do better. So what would this look like?

The problem-solving approach

First, identify what a solution would look like.
For example, if you think that the only option you would consider is a job exactly like your prior job, then you are limiting yourself. This might be OK, but it has trade-offs. It might be that there is less demand in the economy for that kind of job. On the other hand, you would have an easier time qualifying for that job and doing it. So always keep in mind a range of options that you could consider. Rank them in order from the most to the least desirable.

Second, get your CV in order.
Update your CV so that it reflects all the skills and experiences that you have obtained. Keep in mind that you are selling your labor in the market, so you want to compete as effectively as you can.

Third, make a list of contacts of people you know
—or even people you have heard about who know people you know. Categorize these people in terms of how relevant they might be in helping you to find work. For example, someone who works in a company that does the same kind of work that you used to do could be categorized as “A” for most relevant. On the other hand, your brother-in-law who works in an entirely different line of work might be a “C.” My view is that everyone knows someone else, so when you contact people always look for more leads—especially relevant leads. A lot of people get their jobs through networks of people who know people. If each person you list as a possible contact knows more people, your contact list will expand with every contact.

Fourth, search for jobs on the internet
, through ads and other published sources. The job market is always fluid. People are always leaving jobs, new jobs become available because of expansion and new businesses move into town. Even if the general economy is in a bad shape, there are always some jobs on the market. The key thing is to be willing to search in that market.

Fifth, know the company before you apply.
The best way to get that job is to know what the company does. Get as much information about the company as you can and then craft your message about yourself to the needs of that company. I know that when I interview people to work at our Institute in New York City, the worst interviews are with people who don’t seem to know anything about our group. It’s often easy to find out about a company. You should go to their website, ask colleagues in the business, and research as much as you can. And, then, think about how you can sell them the idea that you can add something to their company that they need. Don’t go into the interview with the message “This job would be good for me.” No one has set up a business so that it is going to be good for you. You are selling; they are buying. So sell them what they need by knowing what they need, and make yourself the best match for them.

Sixth, be ready to handle rejection.
It’s often difficult to go to interviews and get rejected. It may add to your feelings of hopelessness. But interviews and the job search is a matter of numbers. The more you search and the more interviews you have, the closer you get to being accepted. It may be difficult, but it is the best way to move yourself forward. Don’t take rejection personally. Take it as part of the market. People who work in sales will say to themselves, “With each rejection I am getting close to my number. I am getting close to making the sale.” It’s a useful approach to apply to going for interviews—giving up is not a workable strategy.

Seventh, use each interview to make the next interview a better one.
Think about how your last interview went and then go into “self-correction mode.” What this means is that you do a realistic assessment and ask yourself, “What went well and what didn’t go well?” For example, you want to avoid complaining about your previous employer or sounding as if you don’t know how your skills will fit this job. One woman went on “information interviews” to find out what was out there, what people were looking for. These were actually people working in companies that did not have current openings. She simply asked friends to give her leads for people working in an industry that she wanted to get into. These information interviews helped her to learn more about the field and more about how she needed to present herself, and they helped her develop a strategy for a real interview. Make yourself into someone who is constantly getting better at job interviews. The better you get, the more likely you are to get a job.

EXERCISE: BE METHODICAL ABOUT LOOKING FOR A JOB

Use this list to help you create structure in your search for a job.

•
Your current job is looking for a job. Go to work every day.

•
Identify what kinds of jobs would be OK for you. Could you consider being more flexible? Why or why not?

•
List your contacts, potential contacts, and resources for looking for a job.

•
Have a schedule each day, every week, for what you are doing towards looking for a job.

•
Research companies before you consider an interview. Know what they do and what they need.

•
Think of each interview as a step towards the next interview, which is a step towards a job.

5: Schedule some fun for yourself

Although you are unemployed, you don’t have to be morose. Keep yourself busy by scheduling daily activities that are interesting, fun or even challenging. Get out your old hobbies or start a new one. Get more exercise. Have lunch with friends, read a book, or travel. I suggest to people that you think of this time as a kind of sabbatical from your previous job. You may as well make use of the time now, because when you are back to work you will kick yourself for not having had some fun while you had the time.

Having fun is—well, a lot of fun. Some people I have counseled use this time to get more involved in a sport: tennis, golf, biking, hiking, running, or just plain exercise. One man who was out of work thought this would be a good time to get into better shape, so he started taking three-mile walks every day. He had to build up to it, but he was out there most days with his mp3 player in his ear, enjoying being outside. (Incidentally, some people have “seasonal affective disorder,” which means they feel worse in overcast weather, so getting more sunlight early in the day is very helpful. Perhaps you could start each day by taking a walk or jogging. The more sunlight, the better.) Having fun is one of the best protectors against depression.

Spending time with the ones you love

Having fun can also include time with your kids, your partner, or your pet. One of my clients, who was a very serious person and seemed to have been wrapped up in his work when he had a job, had previously not taken time to have much fun with his eight-year-old son. I asked him how his son saw the world. “Well, he loves soccer, and he loves kicking the ball around, and making believe that he is a famous soccer player,” he said. He agreed that his son knew how to have fun. I suggested that he spend some time each day trying to learn from his son how to have fun. Playing was the answer. Make-believe could work. So he began playing with his son, getting into the make-believe world, announcing what they were doing like they were on television. He learned that he could get a lot out of being a kid for an hour. And his son got a lot more out of his dad.

Marie had a dog that she adored. I suggested that having fun might include taking really nice long walks with “Jill” and enjoying Jill’s enjoyment of the city. There were lots of other dogs out there—and, in New York City, you are known as the father or mother of your dog. Getting out with your dog is a way to meet other people—and other dogs. Your dog will love you more. Not only does your dog not care that you don’t have a job but he also might think that taking him out for a walk is the best thing in the world that you could possibly do.