Just F*ck Me! (8 page)

For one, you can rent porn and watch it together, showing/telling him how hot certain scenes make you. In this case, porn can literally act as an instruction book! Sometimes, men need to be hit over the head with directions.

If he sucks at it because he’s just being too timid, but seems to be into it otherwise, you can show/tell him in bed by really going over the top a few times. You can get a little forceful, say, by making him spank you until it’s at the force you want, or by ratcheting up the dirty talk to XXX level.

But, if he really just plain sucks at it, it’s OK to drop it and go back to sexy alone time with your fantasies. Again, now that he’s at least open to experimentation, you can find something that pleases you both, perhaps with something of the same kinds of elements involved, which would bring him to that point from another direction.

The thing I really do want to stress, though, is that you make sure that this is only about sexual experimentation and not about your relationship outside the bedroom. I bring this up again because sometimes it can be so hard to separate the two.

For example, there is the phrase “make-up sex” for a reason. Sometimes, sex after an argument can be a healer, or it seals a new agreement or compromise made by the two of you. There is a powerful psychological connection between you during this kind of sex,  and chances are your man is more assertive than ever during make-up sex.

Therefore, you might try to get a rise out of him, as it were, by picking a fight with him that you know will lead to make-up sex, whether it’s just so you can feel that assertion coming through, or as a way to tell him afterward that that is the kind of sex you’re talking about.

I implore you to fight this urge. Angry sex, or make-up sex, or any sex that comes out of an emotional state of mind from non-sexual events, will only serve to hurt both of you in the end. This is simply not the way to go about doing it, no matter how hot it is as it is happening.

However, the dynamic might swing the other way, too. Maybe you and your partner had great sex in the beginning of your relationship. Often, a man will be more assertive during sex as a way to claim you as his own, or to impress you, or any variety of reasons. Or, it could just have been that the two of you were more adventurous in the beginning, as you pushed the boundaries and got to know each other’s bodies and sexual preferences.

But, as you became an item, committed to each other and relaxed into your lives together, so too did your sex life relax. It’s perfectly normal, and livening up the proceedings with a bit of sexual experimentation can be just the ticket to put the spark back into your relationship.

The problem, though, might not be with your sexual relationship; it might be with your relationship as a whole. And instead of asking yourself the tough questions about your current situation and how it might affect your future, you prefer to channel your unhappiness with him as a life partner into “fixing” him as a sexual partner.

Again, anytime you try to fix the relationship by fixing the sex, it’s going to become glaringly obvious that your efforts are misguided. Work on the relationship and let a better sex life come as a result.

In other words, you might have discovered you’re with a man who really has no alpha male tendencies to speak of in any aspect of his life, and you have to decide whether or not that’s a problem for you.

PART THREE: TIPS AND SUGGESTIONS FOR COUPLES

COMING TOGETHER…TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN

Now we’re ready to talk about the good stuff! But, before we get rolling here, I would like to reiterate some important points we went over in the advice for women and the advice for men sections of this book. It’s really important to understand the basics, and this also will serve as a primer for you bad boys and girls who skipped ahead!

A woman wanting her man to be more assertive or dominant in the bedroom is not a reflection on the relationship at all. While experimenting with alpha male tactics during sex might put a spark into your relationship, all in all this is simply about what goes on between the sheets.

If either of you have read this book and your thoughts keep drifting back to instances in your day-to-day relationship where this advice would come in handy, then stop here and work on your relationship. You can come back to this book once your relationship is back to being a healthy and happy one.

Similarly, this advice is not for new couples or for casual sexual encounters. There needs to be a trusting bond between you, and that comes with time and experience with each other. There is a lot of communication necessary to make this a successful sexual endeavor; anything less and you risk being misunderstood at a crucial time.

Another thing this book
is NOT about is BDSM techniques
. That stands for Bondage/Domination/Sadism/Masochism, and we’re talking about a whole other ball of wax – in some ways, literally. If you’re looking for more hard-core sex advice, this might serve as an excellent albeit extremely introductory guide to the power dynamic behind BDSM. But, this has nothing to do with that world at all. If you are interested in BDSM, then I encourage you to do some lengthy research before even thinking about engaging in it. It’s not just all whips and chains.

A Word To the Women:

Remember, make sure you have a clearly defined idea of what you want from your man when you say you want him to be more assertive in the bedroom. This will help you define boundaries later on.

Also, keep in mind that at no time do you have to continue with this type of sex play. We’ll talk about this more in a bit, but for now, be aware that just because you brought it up doesn’t mean you have to see it through. If you are ever uncomfortable, or if it just plain isn’t doing it for you, then stop.

To get your man to alpha male status, you’re going to have to give him some direction and there might have to be some strange conversations about what you want. Keep in mind that your man loves you and wants you to be happy! And, once he gets the hang of it, it’s going to be fun for him too!

Make sure your man understands that this is not a reflection of his masculinity at all. This is a sexual desire YOU have, that HE can fulfill.

A Word To the Men:

Guys, I understand this might be a new and strange thing for you, so I’d like to remind you of a few things as we move on to the down and dirty techniques of being more sexually dominant.

As we told the ladies above, and as your own lady should be telling you, just because she wants you to be more assertive in the bedroom does not mean she thinks you’re a girly-man; nor does it mean she wants you to beat her.

Your role in this endeavor is to LISTEN to what she is telling you, and to make a concerted effort to be on her same wavelength once you two start getting busy. She’ll let you know what she wants; she’ll let you know when what you’re doing isn’t working; and she probably won’t need to tell you when it IS working, if you get my meaning.

Safe Words:

While I have stressed above that male assertiveness in the bedroom has nothing to do with the BDSM culture, we are going to take a page from their book, just to be extra cautious.

We’re going to talk about safe words.

Safe words are traditionally used in instances when there is a level of pain involved in the sex play, or if the situation requires, as part of the scenario, that one or the other partner says, “No” or “Stop” but is not supposed to mean it.

We’re going to get into some of the more intense games the two of you can play at a point later in the book, but anytime you are dealing with the male/female power dynamic, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Simply put, a safe word is one that, when said by either partner, the action immediately stops. You should agree on what word it is, and it should be the same word for both of you. It also should have absolutely nothing to do with sex or any kind of scenario you’re playing out.

Common safe words are color names, city names or state names. Choose just one word, not a phrase; and make sure it’s easy to remember!

If you’re ever in a situation where the safe word is spoken – again, by either of you – and you’ve stopped immediately, don’t break apart or hop out of bed and get dressed. It takes courage to say a safe word, and most likely it will leave both of you feeling vulnerable.

So, make sure to hug, cuddle, lie together and be very gentle with one another after it’s been spoken. This is not a time for blame, or an argument, or stony silence. Let the moment pass, get to a mental place where you both feel calm and secure, and then you can talk about what happened, and how it can be changed or avoided next time around.

The next time you have sex, it should be in a more “traditional” style, and it should be more about lovemaking than about any kind of experimentation or anything rough and tumble. Then you can work your way back up to whatever you want to do.

LET’S START OUT WITH SOME DIRTY TALK

Before the two of you get down to business, a bit of dirty talk might be just the ticket to get you on the same wavelength. It’s also a good way to set the boundaries of your assertive sex play without having to stop what either of you are doing physically. And talking dirty is fun!

While it might be uncomfortable at first, there are real benefits to talking dirty where sexual experimentation is concerned. For one, as I’ve just said, it helps set boundaries without the physical aspect. By being able to go over the top in words, you won’t have to go there in deed.

For example, let’s say you’re having phone sex. You’re getting each other all hot and bothered, and then he suggests something that’s way over the top, say, slapping her face when she’s said something about being especially naughty.

Now, there is a chance she might love it, but there is a chance she really, really won’t love it. If he were to take that chance physically, it could get ugly. But by taking that chance in words only, he’s giving her the opportunity to say, “Yes, Baby, slap me again” or “Oh no, Baby, be gentle with your little bitch” or whatever you’ve got going on. No harm, no foul. You’ve both learned something, and you can move on without any recriminations.

During sex, dirty talk can also make things more exciting without actually having to “go there.” The two of you could be having totally normal, traditional, “boring” sex, but by talking a blue streak about fantastic circumstances or some different roles that really turn you on, you’re transporting yourselves to places you might not be able to go in reality.