Just F*ck Me! (9 page)

For our purposes – that is, in getting the male partner to be more assertive, more alpha male, more in control of what’s going on in that bedroom of yours – the woman should be the one to start the ball rolling. It’s going to be her way of saying what she wants, without making it sound like a complaint or a laundry list!

And guys, it’s your job to listen closely and follow her lead, at least at first. Then, once you have a better idea of what she’s into and not so into, you can really start to pick up that ball and run with it. You can test the boundaries of your alpha male kingdom without perhaps embarrassing yourself, or without being worried about taking it too far or not far enough.

For many couples, dirty talk has changed their sex lives for the better. However, dirty talk isn’t already in some couples’ sexual repertoire. And that’s totally OK! But understand, it could feel super awkward when you’re getting started if you’re not “in the moment” together, or sometimes it can just plain sound silly as hell.

If you’re one of these couples, then I can recommend a few things to help you get started.

First, try not talking at all; try writing. It can be easier to take yourself to naughty land if you don’t have to hear your own voice saying things. We’ll go over sexy scribbles in a moment, but there is one warning here: other people can read your writing as well! So be careful not to embarrass yourself or your partner by being reckless with your words.

• If you are in the habit of talking with instant messenger, start a provocative conversation on chat.
  

• Send text messages to each other’s cell phones with vivid descriptions of what you want to do to each other.
  

• If you communicate by email on personal accounts (as opposed to work-based addresses), write out your fantasies, or team up to write a continuing dirty story by sending it back and forth to each other.
  

• Mad Libs is a word game in which the answers to word prompts you’re given are revealed as part of a story. Go to a sex novelty shop and pick up a dirty Mad Libs, then play it together! They can be fun and silly, and very, very naughty.
  

• Send a greeting card in the mail with salacious salutations, or perhaps an explicit invitation.
  

Once you have established that each of you can hold your own in a dirty conversation, it’s time to move on to talking dirty. However, even this can be accomplished without being face to face, at least when you’re starting out.

Do either one of you go on business trips? Try having long-distance phone sex. This works best when the entire conversation revolves around sex; don’t start out by reminding him to take out the trash, or letting her know that package she was waiting for arrived. You can have that conversation in its own phone call.

Phone sex in this instance is a good way to get the man in control. He can direct his partner to do things, like undressing, touching herself, etc. He can gain the upper hand without the possibility of being intimidated by having her there in front of him.

And for her part, this is the time to really experiment with pushing the limits of his masculine side. Go over the top, really let him know that he is all man and he can have his way with you.

So, while there are times that he will be calling the shots during phone sex, there should also be times when she is the one talking about her fantasies in explicit detail. Let yourselves get excited, and let your partner know that what’s happening is exciting you.

Another fun, sexy phone game is to leave each other voicemail messages. (Again, please be mindful of your partner’s habits; if they prefer to listen to their voice mail on speaker, you should probably avoid this game.) And remember, leave the messages to pick up milk on the way home to a separate call.

You might just want to let your partner know exactly what’s going through your mind. Or, you can leave a detailed treasure hunt of a message, or inform them of what they’ll find when they get home. Here are some examples. (And, you probably don’t have to say who it is; I suspect they’ll figure it out soon enough.)

• Ladies, these voicemails can be invitations, directions or simply your fantasies. Tell him that you’ll be in the bedroom when he gets home, naked and waiting for him to have his way with you. Describe to him a particularly exciting moment from the last time you had sex – in graphic detail – or do the same describing something you want him to do to you. This reinforces the stuff you like while turning him on! Or, you can start a game, perhaps asking him to give you a specific instruction that you’ll have to follow the next time you’re having sex.
  

• Guys, this is your chance to start the game of assertiveness without having the worry of performance anxiety. You can get her so hot that by the time you are both in the bedroom, you are home free! Leave her a detailed message explaining exactly what you’re going to do to her body when you both get home tonight. Or, tell her you have an entire evening planned; have her go home, put on a specific outfit you love, and be ready to go out at a certain time. Perhaps remind her of a certain moment from the night before, and tell her you’re going to do that and more the next time.
  

And, hey, if they pick up the phone instead, don’t chicken out! Simply say, “Hi, I wanted to tell you that ...” deliver your message without stopping, then hang up. Who wouldn’t love a phone call like that?

Now, let’s talk dirty while you’re face to face.

If you’re not used to being chatty in between the sheets but you’ve started talking dirty outside the bedroom, bringing up those “heated” discussions while getting your groove on can make for a good transition.

If you’ve had phone sex, for example, you can start out by having each other reenact some of the things you did to yourselves, or “did” to each other (i.e., what you described doing to each other). Again, this is something the woman can bring up at first, but really the man should be taking the ball and running with it after some prompting.

For example, a good way to direct her actions is to tell her that it turned him on so much when she was describing, say, how she was touching herself during a particular call. Have her reenact it while you watch, then you can join in.

Or, she can say how it made her feel when he was talking about doing this or that to her, and that she’s fantasized about finally being able to have him do it now. Then, he can include the sexy talk while he’s doing it: “Which part did you love, Baby? Was it when I said I was going to do this?” (Do it.) “Or was it when I talked about doing this (do it) until I made you come?”

As I’ve said before, dirty talk can also be a good start when he is a bit shy about actually physically asserting himself with her. He can maybe thrust a bit harder, a bit faster, but talk about more advanced moves: “Is this what you want, Baby? You want a real man? I’ll show you who’s a real man, yeah. I’m giving it to you hard and fast. You like that? You want me to get rough with you, huh? Oh, I’ll do all that and more, is that what you want, Baby?”

Then, of course, the dirtier talk can be used as an assertive technique all on its own. This will require a bit of trial and error, and maybe a conversation or two out of bed, before he finds the right words that make her go over the edge into oblivion.

For example, if she likes to be made to feel like a sexual object, he can accommodate that desire by talking about her body in the most objectified terms as possible. The key to this is to be raunchy and dirty, while praising her – NOT to put her down, offend or insult her!

That is unless she specifically asks for that. She might want you to call her a whore, a slut, a bitch, Daddy’s little bitch, nothing but a vessel for your seed, etc. But that has to be a specific direction from her, or else you might get slapped. Go ahead and ask her what she’s comfortable hearing from you.

Otherwise, talking dirty in this instance is just that – describing what you are doing, or what you love about her, or what you want from her in the most graphic, raunchy language you can think of. Some examples would be:

• “Take that dress off and let me see those luscious tits of yours.”
  

• “Turn over, I’m going to give you my cock from behind, and you’re going to feel every inch of it.”
  

• “You like it when I slap your juicy ass?” (Slap) “You want me to do it again?” (Slap) “You want a spanking, my bad girl?” (Slap, slap, slap)
  

You get the idea. If you need inspiration or want to get the lingo right, watch porn films, read
Penthouse
Letters
or listen to really raunchy rap music.

And as for the ladies, dirty talk is a powerful communication tool to guide your man through your desires, and to let him know if he’s gone too far, as well. Dirty talk allows you to do all this without breaking the mood.

For example, if you want him to be more aggressive, goad him into taking it to the next level. “I know you’ve got more to show me, come on, Baby, give it to me. Show me what a man you are, put me in my place. Is that the best you’ve got? Come on, I want it rough, baby.”

If you want him to talk dirty to you, start it yourself. “Am I your little slut? Yeah? Tell me I’m just your little whore.” “Tell me who’s the man. Are you the man?” “Can you feel how wet I am, Baby? That’s because you turn me on when you take control. Tell me how good it feels.”

And for those times that he might go too far, you can smooth things over easily and move on. “Ooh, Baby, not so rough, OK? Just like that, yeah.” “Ow, that one hurt baby, don’t be so rough with your little lady.” The key to this is to keep the dirty talk up with praise as soon as he’s adjusted his behavior. “Yeah, that’s the way I like it, Sugar, just like that.”

Of all the tricks, tips and techniques we talk about in this book, talking dirty is probably the most useful for couples who are experimenting with male assertiveness. It’s a mode of communication that is unlike any other! A tremendous amount of information can be given with a bare minimum of words, and in a language unique to the two of you.

So, don’t be afraid to talk dirty!

Just a final thought on the matter, though: try your best to respect the dirty talk your partner gives. Don’t laugh at the terms they use, or make fun of them later on about something they might have said in the heat of the moment. As I’m sure you can tell from reading this section, dirty talk can look pretty silly written down, and it can be just as silly taken out of context. Play nice, you two!

ASSERTIVE ORAL PLEASURE