Jumper Cable (35 page)

“Yew too,” Wenda said, also managing not to boom. She came out to haul him into the throng. He had to get out of his clothes in a hurry to avoid getting them soaked. In another half moment the girls were happily scrubbing his back and other parts of him, heedless of any reaction he might have.

“You seem like such a happy group,” Oceana said. A glance ricocheted around before landing on Jumper. “We have our moments,” he said carefully before getting dunked again. In the midst of this melee, something approached. “OH, NO!”

Maeve cried. “THE STORK!” Then she closed her mouth, embarrassed by more than the booming or her nakedness.

Before anyone else could act, the stork landed before Maeve. “Here is your bundle of joy,” it said. “About time too.” It turned, taxied, spread its wings, and took off.

They gazed at the bundle, not knowing what to do. The stork had struck the moment the way was clear, when none of them were on guard, and Maeve was stuck. She was a mother. She looked around helplessly. Then she visibly nerved herself and reached into the basket. She picked up the baby. “She’s a girl,” she announced. “I will call her Mae. But I don’t know what I’ll ever do with her. I’m not cut out to be a mother.”

Mae looked at her and cooed.

Maeve melted visibly. “She’s so cute!”

The others exchanged some glances as they got out of the water and dried off, bidding farewell to the mermaid. The maenad was coming to terms with her situation.

Another figure appeared. It was a man. In fact it was Warren Warrior. “I have found you at last!” he exclaimed. “My fierce warrior woman!”

Maeve froze in place, naked, vulnerable, holding the baby, sheer horror spreading across her features.

“How did you find us?” Haughty demanded.

“We got wind of the Prophecy, so headed for the Ogre Fen and asked around,” Warren said.

“We?” Olive asked.

“After that big dance, we men knew the score, so we left our day jobs and or ga nized. We all have something on the line.”

Maeve remained petrified.

“Uh,” Jumper said. “There is something you should know, Warren. Her— our circumstance has changed. Maeve is no longer alone.”

“Who took her?” Warren cried, grasping his sword. “I’ll slay him forthwith!”

Wordlessly Maeve held up the baby.

Warren’s mouth fell open. It seemed he had not picked up on that detail before. Then he poked a finger at Mae. She snapped at it, her little pointed teeth drawing blood before he tore it away.

“She bit me!” he exclaimed, staring at the wound. “She’s a bloodthirsty little tyke.”

Maeve winced, a tear trailing down her cheek. She was not about to give up her baby now, but what would it cost her?

“So you may not want to—” Jumper started.

“Fit to be a warrior’s daughter,” Warren said. “Come here, you beautiful little b**ch!” He picked Mae up and squeezed her to him. She gurgled and spit up on his shoulder. “See? She likes me too.” He looked at Maeve. “How fast can we get married?”

Maeve came out of her stasis. “Soon,” she said. “Am I dreaming?”

“Not anymore,” Jumper said. “You’ve got a family.”

“So receiving yew babee is knot so bad after all,” Wenda said.

“Not so bad,” Maeve echoed, looking awed.

“We wish you the best,” Dawn said. “At least you have some joy of the occasion.”

“I do,” Maeve agreed. “I suppose there is no reason for us to stay here.”

“No reason,” Jumper agreed.

A woman appeared. “Will you be needing my ser vice?” she asked Maeve.

Maeve looked at her perplexed. “Who are you?”

“I am Liz. I offer a diaper ser vice. I bring piles of fresh clean diapers from a diaper tree, and return the soiled ones to the tree. Babies are nice, but they do soil diapers at a great rate. The trees love them; they feed on that soil. I know where all the diaper trees are, and can reach the nearest one quickly.”

“We’ll take it,” Warren said, in effec tive ly wiping the spit-up from his shoulder.

Maeve nodded. The deal was made.

“I’ll be right back with them,” Liz said as she hurried away. Maeve dressed, and she and Warren walked away with Mae.

“Well, we still have enough to party,” Haughty said. Most of them were dressed now and having at the goodies. The girls were becoming more sociable as they swigged ale.

Another figure appeared. It was Prince Charming.

“Oh, I dew knot know what to dew,” Wenda cried, suddenly appalled.

“There you are,” Charming said. “Come here, you darling creature.”

“But . . . but I’m only half here!” she wailed. He swept her into his embrace and kissed her. “There’s plenty left.”

“But I’m hollow!”

Charming held her at arm’s length and spoke carefully. “I was just dumped by a woman who was physically whole and luscious, but only half there in spirit. You are the opposite. I prefer your way.”

She gazed at him, amazed. “Yew really dew knot mind?”

“Sure, I would prefer to have your backside too. But you’re a woodwife. It’s you I love, not your back. We’ll just have to get you some stuffing for appearances. Now can I get you alone, or must we marry first?”

Wenda looked halfway helplessly at Jumper. “Go with him,”

Jumper said. “You’ll be a whole princess.”

Charming hauled Wenda away. She went with only token reluctance. Phanta wiped away a tear. “I get so sentimental when true love conquers,” she said. Now another man appeared. It was Dick Philip, the crazy writer.

“Olive!” he exclaimed, advancing to kiss her passionately.

“But my imaginary friends won’t endure beyond my attention span,”

she said.

“That’s long enough. Now focus your attention on me. I’m going to write a fabulous weird story with you as the heroine.”

They departed as he expounded on the story. But it was clear that he had more than a story on his mind.

“Well, we still have five of us for the party,” Phanta said. She glanced at Anne. “I mean six.”

Another man appeared. “Make that four,” Shepherd said. “You’re in my corral now.” He kissed her. “The sheep are waiting.”

“Sorry,” Phanta said to the others as they departed. “Mustn’t keep the sheep waiting.”

But then a dark shadow fell on them, really a black blob, and it clung to Phanta. She couldn’t help becoming a ghost, because the Good Magician’s spell had dissipated.

“It’s a darkness bomb,” Eve said. “Clinging to her so she can’t revert to her living state.”

“Gheorge Ghost must have arranged it,” Haughty said. “To trap her. She’s helpless.”

“We must help her!” Jumper said, bounding toward the blob.

“I don’t think we can,” Eve said.

Indeed, Jumper simply got lost in the darkness, and was unable to interact with the ghosts.

“The sheep will take care of it,” Shepherd said, not seeming worried. “I came prepared.”

“But she can’t revert to her living state until she gets out of the darkness,” Jumper said. “And Gheorge will never let her out.”

“Watch. Listen.”

“I can’t see inside that blob, and I can’t hear ghosts.”

“Maybe I can help,” Anne called. “Read!”

Something changed in the blob. It became translucent, so that figures could be seen within it. One was Phanta in ghost form. Another was a large menacing ghost: Gheorge. He was laying hands on her. Printed words appeared. NOW I’VE GOT YOU, MY LUSCIOUS MORTAL CREATURE!

It was what Gheorge was saying, rendered into readable print. That was some talent Anne had!

The Phanta ghost tried to pull away. NO NO! I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU! PLEASE LET ME GO!

But he held firm. NEVER, YOU SUCCULENT MORSEL. I WILL HAVE MY WILL OF YOU REPEATEDLY. THEN I WILL LOCK YOU UP IN DARKNESS AND SAVE YOU FOR MY NEXT FLING.

HA HA HA HA!!

“He even managed two exclamation points,” Haughty said, disgusted. “The unspeakable t**d.”

“Watch,” Shepherd repeated. “I did some research on ghosts, and made a deal. The sheep are coming.”

Meanwhile Gheorge was hauling Phanta in for a smooch. EEEEK

NO! she screamed. I WILL NEVER— But her protest was cut off by his fierce kiss.

RUMBLE. It was a sound signaled by the print. RUMBLE. It was growing in volume.

“What’s that?” Jumper asked.

“The sheep,” Shepherd said. “Thousands of ghost sheep I slaughtered, but they have forgiven me. I’m leading them to the Great Pasture in the sky where they can graze happily for eternity. But until they get there, we are together.”

“But what can sheep do?” Dawn asked. “They’re peaceful creatures, and Gheorge is a vicious ghost.”

“The ewes are peaceful,” Shepherd agreed. “Not so the rams.”

Now the rumbling became a POUNDING as the herd of ghost sheep charged into view, led by an ornery looking ram.

“Gheorge,” Shepherd said conversationally, “meet Ram Bunctious, the leader of the ghost flock.”

WHAT THE BLEEP DO I CARE ABOUT A D*MN SHEEP?

Gheorge demanded contemptuously.

BAM! George sailed into the air as the ram’s butt caught his butt.

I WILL RAM MY HORN INTO EWE SO FAR IT WILL SPLIT

YOUR GIZZARD! Bunctious bleated as he charged again. I AM NOT A EWE, George protested as he stepped aside barely in time.

EWE WILL BE WHEN I’M THROUGH WITH EWE, Bunctious bleated as he spun about for another charge. His stout left horn oriented on Gheorge’s midsection with disturbing accuracy. Gheorge tried to run, but the ewes had formed a circle around them and wouldn’t let him through.

Jumper began to catch on. “A ghost can’t escape ghost sheep.”

“Right,” Shepherd agreed, satisfied.

Gheorge had had enough. He sailed up into the air, fleeing the flock. Bunctious sailed right up after him. EWE CAN’T GET AWAY THAT

WAY, EWE MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A MAN. I WILL HAVE EWER DONKEY FOR A TROPHY, EWE SILLY BURRO.

The two disappeared into the sky, the ram in hot pursuit of the man. There was the titter of a stifled giggle among the remaining girls.

“I see what ewe mean, uh, what you mean,” Jumper said, impressed.

“Gheorge won’t be bothering Phanta anymore.”

The ghost Phanta emerged from the blob and became live Phanta.

“Oh, Shep, that was beautiful!” she exclaimed, flinging her arms about him. “Your sheep saved me from a fate worse than death.” She was speaking literally.

“You’re part of the flock now,” Shepherd said. “Of course the ghost ewes will expect some heavy petting. We still have a way to go before we reach the Pasture in the Sky.”

“We’ll get there,” she said.

They moved on, surrounded by the ghost flock.

Jumper and the girls settled back into their party. But they were interrupted by another visitor.

“Charon!” Haughty said.

“I am not bound by the outcome of the Demon challenge,” Charon said, assuming male harpy form. “You impressed me at the ball, and I want to see more of you. Will you come with me?”

“What do you offer?”

“A perch on my raft as I pole it across the River Styx with loads of souls going to Hades. A lot of smooching between shifts.”

Haughty considered a fraction of a moment. “You know when night comes, I become Hottie. I can’t help it.”

“Two for the price of one. I am eager to associate with both of you.”

Haughty looked at Jumper. “It seems like a fair offer to me,” Jumper said. “If you like being at the fringe of Hades.”

“Oh, I do,” Haughty agreed. “It’s a harpy’s dream. Damned souls are fascinating.”

“Then go. You too deserve happiness.”

“Thank you.” Then, to Charon. “Lead the way, O foul bird! We’re going to H**l together.”

They spread their wings and flew away.

“And now we are three,” Dawn said. “Since the mission is lost anyway, I have another errand I would like to accomplish.”

“Errand?” Jumper asked.

“To find a mortal prince for Eris.”

“But that was only if we completed the mission.”

“But I think it is not forbidden if we don’t. Eris is deserving; I want to help her if I can.”

“So do I,” Jumper agreed.

She gazed at him, surprised. “Jumper! You’ve got a thing for her!”

He had to confess it. “Foolish, I know. But when she danced with me, spider style, I felt she really understood me. I know I’m destined to be Sharon’s plaything, but if I had any choice in the matter, I’d be Eris’s plaything instead.”

“Then maybe you don’t want me to find her a prince.”

“No, do find her a prince, if you can do it without making your ultimate sacrifice. I couldn’t help her anyway, and I want her to be happy. At least some good might come of this failure.”

“You have a generous nature. So be it.” Dawn nodded to her sister, and walked away.

“Ultimate sacrifice?” Eve asked.

“Dawn’s ready to convert to male and be a prince, if that’s the only way.”

Eve was amazed. “I never suspected! My sister has more gumption than I thought.”

Anne was finishing the last of the pies. “I don’t know anything about it, but you folk seem to have had an interesting history,” she said. “Thank you for the food. I think it is helping get me back into shape.”

She was right: her upper and lower sections were now connected by a thin but feasible section of torso. It would take a lot more eating to restore her completely, but it was progress.

“We have indeed had an interesting mission,” Eve agreed, “which is

now winding down. Our party was not to celebrate so much as to have one last fling before we faced the fact of defeat.”

“I’m sorry,” Anne said. “I had better be moving on.” She walked away.

“Now it’s just the two of us,” Eve said to Jumper. “Somehow neither the party nor the good fortune of the others managed to cheer me much.”

“That’s understandable,” Jumper said. “You face an awful future.”

“And you face failure to return to your natural sphere.”

“Actually, this sphere has been more interesting than mine was. My time with the girls, and with Sharon, and with Eris . . .” He shrugged. “I would have been sorry to miss that.”

“Something is bothering me,” she said. “But I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

A dim light flashed over his head. “If the mission has failed, why hasn’t Demon Pluto claimed you?”