Jennifer's Surrender (27 page)

 
“Then why did you ask me how I was going
to get in?”

 
“I wanted to see how serious you were
about leaving me.” He said as he handed me my key.

I sighed,
taking the key. “I’m not leaving you. I just need time to think.”

 
“Ok, little bird.” He said sadly and
leaned over and kissed my forehead.

I didn’t say
goodbye, I just got out of the car. He waited and watched me walk in and then
drove off. I didn’t turn around to see his car go. When I was finally inside my
apartment, I sunk to the floor and sobbed.

Something my
mother said when I was in high school keeps coming back to me. I was on the
track team and we had meets throughout the year. Running has always been a big
part of my life, always been my way of clearing my head, but also a way of
always pushing myself to do better, run faster, run longer. While I’ve always
liked exercising, I had never been one for team sports. I was always worried
about letting my teammates down. I guess this fear about disappointing those
around me has been a part of me for a while now. Anyway, back to high school
track. It was towards the end of the school year and I asked my mom if she or
my dad was going to come to one of my final meets. I wanted to make them proud,
I wanted them to see me do something well, but they rarely came. She gave me
some excuse why they couldn’t, and I must have complained because she said,
“Jenny, we went to at least one or two of your meets this year. Honey, you’re
getting to be an adult, you’re going to have to realize that sometimes, half a
loaf is better than none.”

 
“Half a loaf is better than none.” I
suppose this is true if you’re starving. And perhaps I am. I just can’t help
but wonder if there’s even half a loaf left. I’m starting to think that all
that’s left are crumbs. Am I supposed to be grateful for crumbs?

I spent most
of Sunday in a state of numbness. I tried watching TV, but I couldn’t focus on
anything, and all the shows seemed so trivial, so stupid. I had no patience for
any of it. I thought about drinking, but just the idea turned my stomach. I
couldn’t eat anything. And as exhausted as I was, I couldn’t sleep. I spent a
long time just lying on my couch wondering what the hell I was doing with my
life.

I watched the
day pass, sitting there, staring out into nothingness. I focused on watching
the shadows move along the wall as the morning turned into afternoon, afternoon
into evening. Finally, around 11, I moved from the couch to my bed. And
thankfully, sleep eventually overtook me. It was a fitful night’s sleep filled
with ugly, violent dreams where I was trapped one minute and then wandering a
desert-like wasteland the next. Obviously, it wasn’t hard to interpret those
when I woke, feeling barely like I had slept at all.

I forced
myself to get my body moving, even making it out for a run thinking that
perhaps if I could get my legs moving and my heart pounding that some
endorphins might find their way into my body to help lift my mood. No such
luck. I never run with music, I’ve always used running as a time to help me
think or just clear my mind. Unfortunately, it just gave me more time with my
own thoughts and feelings that seemed to go round and round and round.

When Jim and I
had split, there was no question in my mind that it was the right thing to do.
There was sadness, sure. We had cared for each other, and ending something like
that is always sad. But I knew that we weren’t right for each other and was
relieved when he had the guts to point it out. I didn’t shed one tear after
that breakup. I didn’t wonder for one moment about going back. I have been on
both sides of a break up, and never before have I ever felt anything like what
I was feeling. I had to assume it was because everything I felt with Sir was
beyond anything I had ever felt before. All the emotions, the range and
intensity were all off the charts. So, I tried to be gentle with myself and tell
myself that time would help heal whatever wounds were there. I just couldn’t
help but wonder, were the wounds self-inflicted?

When I walked
into work, I went directly into my office. I even considered closing the door.
I couldn’t bear the thought of talking with anyone. Especially not Bill. I
still didn’t know what to think about his role in all of this. I felt betrayed
by him, but then reminded myself that I didn’t know the whole story, and
reacting at all might just make matters worse.

I tried not to
think about it and focus on work, which worked until Bill came into my office.
I had been so focused on my computer that he had to clear his throat to let me
know he was there. I looked up and could feel my entire face flush which made
Bill smile.

 
“Well don’t you look like the cat who ate
the canary.” He said. “What are you up to young lady?” he teased. Maybe he
didn’t know what Master was planning. He seemed normal enough, though I wasn’t
sure what to expect.

I tried to
laugh it off, “Oh, you just surprised me, that’s all.” He crossed his arms over
his chest and regarded me skeptically.

 
“Ok, if you say so.” He stood there for a
minute longer and then asked, “Are you ok, Jen?”

What was it
with these uber-perceptive men? I hated lying, and wasn’t any good at it, so I
went for vague. “Yeah, you know, just working through some things in my head,
trying to figure things out, that’s all.”

 
“You know you can always come talk with
me, right?” he said sincerely.

 
“Thanks, Bill. I appreciate that.” I
said, but thinking there was no way in hell I would be talking to him any time
soon. Not after what Master was planning on happening between the two of us.
That is, if I went back to him.

 
“I mean it, Jen. I’ve known Stephen a
long, long time. And I’ve known you now for long enough to think I know you
pretty well. I know I’m your boss, but I can leave that hat here and just be a
friend if you need one, ok?”

I swallowed
and nodded. I mumbled some sort of thanks and then made an excuse about needing
to get to work, “My boss might get pissed if I just sit here yakking all
morning.” I said lightly, trying to convince him that I was fine and that he
was, first and foremost, my boss.

He chuckled
and said, “Ok, sounds good. See you in a bit at the staff meeting.”

A half hour
later, I walked into the meeting and looked around the table all my co-workers
wondering if any of them did the types of things that I had done. They all
looked ‘normal’, but then again, so did I. It was an advertising agency after
all, so there were a lot of tattoos, different hair colors, piercings, and very
non-corporate attire. So, I guess we all already looked a little more geared
towards what I assumed people in the lifestyle looked like. But I knew these
people, I’d been to barbeques at their houses, gone out for drinks with them,
and worked side-by-side with them for years. None of them screamed out ‘I like
whips and chains’. In fact, I was probably one of the more conservative looking
employees in the agency: no tattoos, no weird piercings… so I guess looks can
be very deceiving.

Everyone was
chatting about their weekends when I heard squeals as Tracy, one of the
designers say, “… it was so romantic. My boyfriend took me to that little
Italian place, Amalfi, and he got down on one knee and everything!” Tracy was
busy showing off her engagement ring as my heart started pounding and I felt
like I might actually throw up right there. She had been at the same restaurant
Sir and I were at. She could have seen me, essentially naked, walking through
the restaurant. She could have seen me bending over as I licked his seat clean.
Just as I was about to push my chair back to leave, Bill came in and the
meeting started. There was nothing I could do, so I focused on calming my
breathing.
 
As we went over the
project list, every now and then I glanced over at Tracy. I didn’t once see her
look at me, or in any way give indication that she saw me. But that didn’t help
calm my nerves much.

 
“Jen, hello?” Bill said, and the whole
room chuckled as I actually jumped out of my chair.

 
“Sorry, sorry, Bill. What was that?”

 
“I was filling everyone in on the
progress of the Tutto campaign launch, but since you’re closest to it, I wanted
to know if you had any updates for the room.”

 
“Oh, um, yeah, well, not really.”
Get with it Jen
. “I mean, we’re on track
with everything. Our social media outreach has started and there’s already lots
of engagement. So far, the feedback has been very, very positive. I’d encourage
everyone to check out #surrender and the Facebook page if you haven’t already.
Granted, there are some rather racy comments, so if you’re easily offended, you
might not want to look,” people laughed, and I was feeling more like myself as
I continued to talk. “Digital is starting to roll out in a couple of weeks.
Most of the launch spots have finished and will start running next week, and
print hits next week as well, so we’re in the home stretch!”

 
“That’s great, Jen. Everything’s turned
out so well, you really knocked this one out of the park. Good job.” I smiled.
At least Bill was still happy with me.

 
“Thanks, Bill. The whole team really
kicked ass on it.” I never wanted it to seem like I was taking credit for
something that a lot of the people in the room had a hand in.

 
“Yes, but we all know that the idea of
surrender was yours, so you should be proud. This was your baby. And I know the
client is very pleased as well, and speaking as someone who knows him
personally, he’s a very hard man to please, so well done, Jen. Ok, let’s move
on to the Clossen account…” Bill said and thankfully, the spotlight was off of
me. I tried not to parse every word that Bill said, but I couldn’t help wonder
what the exact meaning of Master being pleased meant.

Even in the
staff meeting, Sir was omnipresent without actually being there.

The rest of
the week was busy with work, for which I was grateful. I stayed later than I
needed to, avoiding going home to be alone with my thoughts. I kept hoping my
running would be my salvation, but the endorphins never really kicked in.
Though I congratulated myself on doing something for me, that only benefited
me, no one else. It was a small step, but an important one in feeling like I
didn’t totally lose myself in him. That didn’t mean that I didn’t miss him or
think about him constantly. There was an actual physical ache. I missed the
sex, but I also really missed the pain. True, they were usually connected, but
if I had wanted to, I could have played with myself, not that it would have
been the same, but I could have found that release. Funny, I didn’t have any
restrictions now on what I could and couldn’t do, but I had no desire to
masturbate. Being sexual at all just reminded me of him. But there was no
substitute for the spankings or floggings that I learned my body truly craved.
It wasn’t just the times that I floated off, it was while I was there, present,
feeling the pain, there was something so liberating, so freeing about it. It
almost felt cleansing. And I missed it. I missed him doing it to me.

I wasn’t any
closer to an answer of whether I could go back to him. I tried not to think
about it as much as possible. A big part of me just figured time would pass and
I would stop feeling the void that I felt. But I had made him such a big part
of my life, filling that void was like trying to fill the Grand Canyon teaspoon
by teaspoon.

Then came
Thursday.

Bill IM’d me,
asking me to come to his office. I hated that he never told me what it was
about so, true to form, I typically imagined the worst.

 
“Hey, Bill, what’s up?” I tried my best
for casual, hanging in the doorway.

 
“Stephen would like us to present a recap
of everything tomorrow. Since everything’s pretty much finished, I told him
that shouldn’t be a problem. We’ll just need to get it into a deck. Our
meeting’s set for 4pm tomorrow.”

Breathe Jen, breathe. Don’t let your boss
think you’re a basket case.
I cleared my throat, “Ok, I’ll get everything
together.” Trying my best to get the shaking out of my voice, but apparently, I
didn’t do a very good job of that.

 
“Jen, you ok?” his expression was genuine
concern.

 
“Mmmmhmmm” I was worried if I opened my
mouth, something unintelligible might come out.

 
“Jennnn? Everything ok with you and
Stephen?”

Shit, well now
what do I say?
I’m worried about him
pimping me out to his friends, including you?
“Ummm, we’re um, I guess you
could say we’re taking a break.”

Bill looked
skeptically at me, “A break? Stephen doesn’t do anything half-way.”

 
“Bill, as much as I really would love to
talk to someone about this, I can’t talk with you.” I could hear the pleading in
my voice.

 
“Why not, Jennifer?” Suddenly, he turned
into Dom mode. His tone, his use of my full name.

 
“Please don’t make me do this, Bill.
You’re my boss.”

 
“All I’m asking you to do is to talk with
me as someone who knows Stephen and knows you. That’s all, Jennifer. Now come
in and close the door.”

 
“Yes, Sir.” I said instinctively reacting
to his dominance. I closed the door and sat down in one of the chairs in front
of his desk. He came around from behind his desk and sat in the chair next to
me.

He took my
hands in his, something he’s never done before, and said, “Jen, I know this is
all new to you. I imagine it’s a bit overwhelming, and you probably have a lot
of questions.” I nodded. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I didn’t
want to cry. Not here. Not with Bill. “I think Stephen truly cares for you, but
I also know he’s pushing you. I know how demanding he can be.” I tried to smile
a little, but I was so afraid if I moved a muscle the dam would burst and the
sobbing would start. “And I’ve seen a beautiful change in you, Jennifer. Don’t
get me wrong, you’ve always been lovely, but since you’ve been with him, it’s
like you’ve embraced being a woman. The way you carry yourself now, you’re more
confident and proud. And there’s a contentment, a glow. It’s a subtle shift
that most people might never notice, but I’ve seen it and it suits you.”