Jennifer's Surrender (31 page)

Before he came
back to sit down he said, “I’m just going to go into the other room to make a
quick phone call. I’ll be right back.” Everything he said was said with the
most gentle, caring voice, like he was talking to a wounded child, which I very
much felt like. I heard a enough of his conversation, “…out for a few days…
working from home…” and I didn’t know if he was talking about me or him.

He came back
into the bedroom and pulled up a wooden chair that was more like a piece of art
than actually anything meant to be sat on. He wiggled a bit trying to find a
comfortable position. He smiled at me, “I was worried about you.” he held out
his hand, waiting for mine. I just stared at it. “I still am worried,
sweetheart.” He bit his lip and looked down, then back at me. “Well, the good
news is, we can take our time. I let the office know I’ll be out for a few
days, so we’ll just hang here until you’re ready.” Hearing that touched a nerve
in me. I was surprised, because I was sure that all my feelings had left my
body. I thought I would be forever numb. But I guess I was more resilient than
I thought.

Bill never
took time off. Ever. It was his agency and he never felt like he could leave.
Him not coming into the office, for me, got through to my emotions, no matter
how shut down they were. I shifted a bit and pulled my arm out slowly and put
my hand in his. Some part of me needed to know that I could trust him. Feeling
the warmth of it scared me at first. I didn’t want to feel anyone’s skin on
mine ever again. But somehow I knew that his touch was safe. It wouldn’t be
like the touch of those other men.

He watched my
hand go into his and he smiled at me as he visibly exhaled. “Jen, we can go
slow, but I just need a baseline, ok?” I nodded. “You don’t have to tell me
what’s wrong, but can you just say something. Say my name. Say ‘piano’. Say a
word, any word, just so I know you can talk.”

I thought for
a second and then opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I hadn’t used my voice
in days. Literally. I cleared my throat and tried again, “Piano.” It was a
whisper that didn’t even sound like me, so I tried another word, “Bill,” and
then I said, “Thank you.”

Bill’s eyes
welled up with tears. I had never seen this man cry. Ever. He swallowed and
smiled and a couple tears escaped, rolling down his cheeks. “I haven’t done
anything yet.” He said just above a whisper. We sat there for a moment just
looking at each other.

 
“You’re here.” I whispered.

He nodded, “Of
course I am, and I’ll stay here as long as it takes.” He said, unconsciously
rubbing his thumb back and forth, back and forth against the top of my hand.

 
“I don’t know how long that’s going to
be.” I whispered. The thought of going back to work or functioning like a
normal person was far outside my realm of possibility at the moment.

 
“It’ll be as long as it takes. But” and
my face fell, I knew it was too good to be true. He continued “if I’m going to
be sitting here for a while, I might need to get a more comfortable chair.”

I laughed. I
actually laughed. “Yeah, you don’t have much padding on your tush.” I realized
my filter was completely gone.

 
“You’ve looked at my tush?”

I nodded and
he smiled. A flock of noisy birds flew by and I turned towards the window. “The
fresh air feels good.”

He chuckled,
“It’s, um, a bit ripe in here.” And I could feel my cheeks burn. And then it
dawned on me.

 
“I blushed!” I whispered excitedly, well
still subdued, but it had more energy in it than I thought I had in me.

 
“You always blush, Jen.” He said, looking
confused.

I shook my
head and then, tried to collect my thoughts. My voice was still soft but it had
more energy than I thought I had. “I know! If I blushed, then, that means I’m
still me. I, I’m still in here.” I pointed to my chest. “I didn’t completely
lose myself. I’m still me. Me. Jen. I’m still me.” I knew I was babbling and
probably sounding like a crazy person, but after wondering if I had completely
lost myself, this tiny involuntary reaction told me that there was hope.

Bill’s
expression made it clear that he was worried that I wasn’t just physically ill,
but after my babbling, perhaps mentally unstable too.

 
“Jen, what happened? Did something happen
at Stephen’s?”

I shook my
head no and backed up in the bed, pulling the covers tighter over me, up to my
neck. I just kept shaking my head no. I could feel my heart pounding. I didn’t
want to think about that evening ever, ever again.

 
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Too soon. I just,
it just seemed like you were feeling better. I’m sorry. I won’t ask again, ok?
You tell me when you’re ready. And if that’s never, that’s fine, ok?”

I nodded and
swallowed. God, my throat was dry. And I realized, I hadn’t brushed my teeth in
days. I was the girl who usually brushed three times a day. I was suddenly
aware of my hygiene with him there.

 
“Do you need something?” he asked. Damn,
he was good.

 
“Would you mind getting me a glass of
water?” I asked softly.

 
“Sure sweetie. Be right back.” He got up
and I watched him walk into the kitchen. He brought it back and as I swallowed
it, we could both hear the rumbling in my stomach.

 
“I smell and I’m making bodily noises.
You don’t have to stay Bill.” I felt bad having him here in my stinky
apartment.

 
“Jen, I’m staying until I think you can take
care of yourself. And right now, I don’t.”

 
“Ok.” I said lamely. Truthfully, I didn’t
want him to go. What I really wanted all of a sudden was a bath and a pizza.

 
“God, I wish I had a bath tub. I love
this place, but that’s the one thing that’s missing.” I paused and then, as
surreptitiously as possible, smelled my armpits and was horrified. “Oh my God,
I am so embarrassed.” Bill just shrugged. “I’m going to go take a shower. I’ll
be right back.” Bill moved out of the way to let me get out of bed, but
thankfully he didn’t go too far because the minute I tried to stand up my legs
went out from under me. He caught me and I trembled, feeling his hands on me.
Then I relaxed and he set me back down on the bed.

 
“You’re not taking a shower by yourself.”
He said and I shot him a look. “I don’t mean it like that, Jen. I mean I don’t
want you to fall and crack your head on the tile.”

 
“Oh, yeah, that.” I said and wondered how
I was going to get this stench off myself if I couldn’t even stand.

 
“I’m going to float an idea, and just
hear me out before you reject it.” Bill said and I waited, “I’m not comfortable
leaving you alone just yet, Jen. And I could sleep on your couch here for the
next couple of days, and that would be fine. Or, you could stay with me at my
house, in your own room, and take a bath in the big Jacuzzi tub, and I could
make sure you’re cared for, but would be able to give you some space too.”

My kneejerk
reaction was no. But after that, I thought, it actually sounded nice. Neutral
ground for me. No memories of anything. And I wouldn’t be putting Bill out as
much if he were staying in his own place.

 
“Are you sure?”

 
“There’s no question in my mind. About
any of it. I’m not leaving you alone until I’m sure you’re ok. So the only real
question is where we are.”

 
“I think you’d be more comfortable in
your own place. And I’m already putting you out…”

He didn’t let
me finish, “You’re not putting me out. I offered.”

I smiled and
looked down. “Thank you, Bill. I’m not sure I can put into words how much I
appreciate this.” I swallowed, collecting my thoughts, “I’m also not sure how
long I would have stayed in this bed if you hadn’t come by.”

 
“Luckily, we don’t have to worry about
that. Because I did. Now, you’ll have to direct me to pack a little bag for
you.” He stood, ready to get going at the task at hand. Bill was a problem
solver.

This was a
whirlwind compared to the last 96 hours or so of nothingness. It took me a
minute to process and then I said, “Um, suitcase is in the hall closet.” He
walked out and I heard him rummaging as I sat there feeling helpless, but there
was no way I was up to doing any of this and the truth was, it felt good to be
taken care of. He came back, ready for the next order. “Ok, I’m just going to
have you pack me some sweats and tshirts cause I don’t think I’m up for much
more than sitting around the house, um, your house.”

 
“No evening gowns required.” He said and
winked. “Ok, where might those sweats and tshirts be?” I pointed and he grabbed
an assortment, showing them to me and I nodded.

 
“Um, and undies and bras and socks, top
drawer.” I said quickly. Like if I said it fast, it wouldn’t be weird that my
boss was digging into my underwear drawer. Then again, given everything else,
this was the least of it.

 
“I’ll just pick out what’s on top and not
really look, sound good?” he said, and I appreciated his tact. Then he asked,
“I’m not sure how long you’ll be staying, but do you want to bring any running
clothes? I know how important running is to you.” This just about broke my
heart it was so thoughtful.

 
“Second drawer is running shorts and
running bras. Thanks, Bill.” He flashed me a quick smile, grabbed a couple of
everything and then turned to me and said,

 
“It’s not like we can’t come back to pick
up other things if we need. Now, anything else?”

 
“Um, in the bathroom: toothbrush,
toothpaste, hairbrush, eye cream, face cream, deodorant. All in the medicine
cabinet.” He dutifully walked to the bathroom and I heard him grab all of the
above.

 
“Ok, you wait here, I’m going to go drop
this in the car and then I’ll be back for you. Hang tight, sunshine.”

In the ten or
fifteen minutes that Bill had been there, he made me feel like a different
person than I had in the last four days. He would have been a great dad, I
thought, as I watched him gather all of my things. He came back and smiled,
asking, “Ready for a vacation at Chez Kitt?” I couldn’t help but smile and nod.
I started to make my way out of the bed and he held out his hand to steady me.
I think it was a combination of lying in bed for days and eating nothing that
had made me so weak, but I was grateful for his support, all of his support.

When we walked
out of the bedroom and towards the front door, I saw that blanket for the first
time since I had dropped it. I covered my mouth and thankfully we were right
next to the kitchen. I made it to the sink and puked. Foul, sour liquid, over
and over until I was just dry heaving. I could feel the sweat all over my body.
Even my scalp was soaked. Bill was behind me, holding my hair back and making
sure I wasn’t going to fall. When I finally stopped retching, I stayed hovering
over the sink panting. Finally, I turned the tap on and rinsed my mouth.
Without turning around, I said, “Bill, before we go, can I ask you one more
favor?”

 
“Anything, Jen.” His voice was back to
soft and full of fear.

 
“That blanket that’s by the door? Can you
please throw it out in the dumpster? I’ll stay right here until you get back.
Promise, I won’t move.”

I knew he was
confused, but he reacted like a soldier. “On it. Be right back.” Bill, like so
many men, just wanted to fix things. If throwing the blanket out would do that,
then he didn’t need to be told twice. He let go of me and I heard him rush
quickly to take out the trash. I sunk down to my elbows and regained my breath.
I had grabbed a paper towel and wiped my face off, and I knew I must look like
a homeless person by now. But I didn’t care. I was going to go with Bill, to
where it was safe, and he was going to take care of me.

We drove in
relative silence to Bill’s house. In all the time I had worked for him, I had
never been there. There wasn’t really any reason I would have. He had what I
guess would be called country craftsman style house in Brentwood. Nice place.
Really nice place. And even from the curb, it oozed comfort. Solid, but
comfortable. A place to live in, not a museum. He walked me in and I was right.
Lots of light and big windows so it felt like all of the outdoors were right
there. Sturdy comfortable furniture, yet the way it was decorated, it could
have been in Architectural Digest. It was a ranch style house, single story
that wrapped around a big backyard, complete with a pool and Jacuzzi. We walked
down the hallway to the guest bedroom.

 
“This will be your room. I’m just going
to drop your bag here. But the nice tub is down in my bathroom.” I just nodded,
taking it all in. Not just my new surroundings, but the sur-reality that I was
here, with Bill in his house and he was playing nursemaid.

We walked into
his bedroom and the big, four poster bed was the main attraction. It looked
like it was out of a fairy tale. It faced a wall of French doors that looked
out onto the back yard.

Further in was
the bathroom. He pointed to the toilet and said, “Sit.” I lowered the lid and
did just that as he bent over and turned on the tub water. Even given
everything, I couldn’t help but admire his ass. I shook my head and rolled my
eyes at myself. The tub started filling and steam was coming off the water. He
turned back and asked, “Suds or no suds?”

 
“That is the question.” And I giggled at
myself. He smiled. “No suds, thanks.” He looked surprised. I wanted the water
clean. I wanted to be able to see what marks were on my body. I didn’t want to
feel like I was at a day spa. I wanted this bath for purification.